Fourth of July’s Secrets Cont. from

Volume 51 - No. 26 July 01, 2021

By Friedrich Gomez

If your editor calls you into his office and tells you to write up a new angle, new information, and something totally different with “shocking, never-before historical insights on our 4th of July” --well, you’d be pretty much screwed, blued, and tattooed!

I mean, c’mon, journalists, historians, newspapers, scholars, and TV newscasters everywhere have picked over the bones of every known colorful detail from our Independence Day -- to the extent that anything pertaining to July 4 would be the “Kiss of Death” for any (crusading) reporter today.

In King’s English, 4th of July narratives will be lost in the din of today’s garden-variety ‘write-ups’ –which are now tedious, repetitive, and ALREADY KNOWN visitations!

And, as Ernest Hemingway cautioned, it’s off-limits waxing over sentimental real-life patriotic narratives – not because they aren’t important, they are – but as the Great One admonished, such common drivel will already be in overabundance, everywhere, and joining their ranks: “Would just be too easy without NEW FACTS. Like cheating. Like playing tennis with the net down. ”

4TH OF JULY’S LOST SECRETS. In this most exclusive report, readers of The Paper will depart company from just about every other major print and visual media in the U. S.

You will have a special front row roller coaster ride in learning new exciting and colorful facts about our country that will be eye-opening, startling, and simply unbelievable!

In short, a Long Lost Legacy awaits you.

And, a most unexpected and colorful journey is yours, which you will never forget! WHICH U. S. PRESIDENT & FOUNDING FATHER ACTUALLY REFUSED TO CELEBRATE 4TH OF JULY?

This question, alone, seems unrealistic, even impossible, to even soberly consider – yet, it’s true! A. George Washington. B. Thomas Jefferson. C. John Adams. Unbelievably, the correct answer is “C” for John Adams, one of our most patriotic Founding Fathers and a staunch vocal supporter for our Declaration of Independence!

John Adams, our second U. S. President after George Washington, was never happy about the selected date of July 4th and therefore refused to celebrate the 4th of July throughout his lifetime!

Adams long believed that July 2nd was the correct historical day for observance, not July 4.

In a personal letter to his wife, Abigail, dated July 3, 1776, he wrote: “The Second Day of July 1776 will be the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America.”

However, when July 4 was selected, Adams fumed in volatile anger and forever disagreed. His unbridled anger was so intense that he not only refused to celebrate the 4th of July, but, he vowed to never even appear or attend at any 4th of July events or celebrations throughout his lifetime, as a matter of principle and disagreement!

Ironically, Adams died on the 4th of July in 1826.

The very day he despised in his adult life.

(For the record, Presidents Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe, also died on the 4th of July.)

WAS A WOMAN EVER RECORDED AS ONE OF THE SIGNERS OF THE “DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE”?

A. Yes. Believe it or not! B. No. Of course not!

If this is true in any way, then all the names on the Declaration of Independence were NOT all men, as is officially recorded in our historical records, and taught in all our seats of learning.

And yet, unbelievably, the correct answer is “A” for true!

Technically speaking, a woman’s signature appears on some 1777 copies of the Declaration of Independence, in printed copies officially recognized by Congress in early America!

Although she was not an official signer, Mary Katherine Goddard (1738-1816) – who was formally commissioned and appointed by Congress to print official copies of the historic document – she, nevertheless, added her name below the original signers, which went uncorrected by Congress!

It happened in January of 1777, when Congress officially recognized and appointed her to print authorized copies of our Declaration of Independence.

Goddard was an early American publisher of the Baltimore Post Office from 1775-1789 and was the (second printer) to print copies of the Declaration of Independence.

Although she was the second printer to print the document, her Declaration of Independence copy was the (very first) to list the names of the signatories.

With her publication, the public learned for the first time who signed the Declaration.

Although it is not clear why she

4th of July’s

Lost SECRETS

Fourth of July’s Secrets Cont. from Page 1

included her name, Goddard was a well-known patriot at the time and the only woman whose name –“Mary Katherine Goddard” – actually appears on those surviving official printed versions.

Although she was never authorized to do so, it nevertheless has become historical fact: Yes, her name does appear on officially recognized copies commissioned by Congress.

But no, she was never a true signer of America’s Declaration of Independence, nor was she authorized to place her name on it!

Nevertheless, her name sits on the Declaration of Independence, alongside those of Founding Fathers like Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, making these surviving documents (as commissioned by the U. S. Congress) most rare and extremely valuable to historical scholars and collectors of U. S. documents.

In 1949, nine (9) of these most rare and prized documents (with her name on the Declaration of Independence as an original signatory) were known to still exist.

The reported locations of these invaluable versions are housed at our nation’s capitol in the Library of Congress at Washington, D. C., and also the Maryland Historical

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

lyle e davis observes . . .

Young girls get old men in trouble.

A man never knows how much his wife suffers, unless, of course, he listens.

You can't take it with you, so have it digitally - transferred.

An apple falls to the ground faster if it has a worm in it.

It's always fun to charley horse the long arm of coincidence. The Davis sobriety test: The aluminum linoleum has a minimum of lanolin with a modicum of molybdenum. "How to speed read by strobelight" (Lyle Davis Book).

Figures don't lie, but girdles condense the truth. lyle reveals how to broaden your sphere, but not your circumference.

The honeymoon is over the first time she says: "you'll do nothing of the kind". Society, and the New York Library, and seven other institutions for historical preservation.

(Note: Mary Katherine Goddard was one of the first women publishers and postmasters in early America. And her story is virtually unknown and unreported, as one of the most colorful slices in all U. S. history!

WHICH U. S. PRESIDENT HAD TO LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH? A. Thomas Jefferson B. Andrew Jackson C. Martin Van Buren

Are you serious?! The very fact that even one American president had to learn English as a second language comes as a total shock for many people today! But, it’s true! If you chose “C,” Martin Van Buren, well, you are a most amazing scholar, or the world’s greatest guesser! Our 8th U. S. President of the United States, Martin Van Buren, did not speak English as his first language! Van Buren grew up in the Dutch community of Kinderhook, New York and only spoke Dutch as a child. He eventually learned to speak English as a second language while attending the local schoolhouse.

Once more, this is almost an entirely unknown fact; yet it remains one of the most fascinating and intrigu-

Fourth of July’s Secrets Cont. on Page 5

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

There was a young man from Japan, whose poetry would never scan; when he was asked why, this man would reply, "Well, I try to squeeze every significant syllable into that tricky last line that I possibly can". Is that a snail-trail on your cheek or a tiny burst of random ectoplasm?

Always listen to in-laws with nothing less than feigned interest.

With some chubby women, their stretch pants have no choice!

When I had chicken pox in Omaha, we were so poor; I could only afford one pock.

You ask, philosophically, why are we here? Because it was too crowded where we were supposed to be.

I used to love power; now I'm more interested in mileage. "How to make lottery tickets vital to your financial planning" (Lyle Davis Book).

Never die with food in your mouth, lest it muffle your final words.

The hardest thing for people to say in 25 words or less is: Goodbye.

The best way to approach life is with suspicious joviality.

Life is a hard, unceasing battle between man and his enemies and woman and her friends. •••• Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, as they sat there drinking pints of Guinness, they looked out the window, watching the front door of the brothel across the road. DEAR SEAN:

My dad just left my mom and me… He’s a real *&@#$ and I’m so pissed off, I don’t even know why I’m writing you…

I am so mad and I wish we could make him pay for this in some way if that could be possible…

I just can’t figure out why.

Thanks for reading this, JACOB, (13 years old)

DEAR JACOB,

Before I answer you letter, I want to say one thing, and it’s a little off the subject, so bear with me.

Have you ever watched any old Westerns? I’m talking silver-screen heroes in ten-gallon hats with quickdraws, who call everyone “Pilgrim.”

Dear Sean Cont. on Page 3

A local Methodist Pastor walked up to the brothel, knocked on the front door and then went inside.

"Would you look at that." says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those Methodists were?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the front door, knocks, and goes inside the brothel.

The second Irishman says, "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their pints o' Guinness roundly condemning the Vicar and the Rabbi for being hypocrits of their faith's.

Just then their own Catholic Priest knocks on the front door of the brothel and goes inside.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died."

•••• 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers No, you probably don’t watch movies like that. Only geeks watch those sorts of movies. Geeks like me.

Still, it makes me sad that we don’t have Westerns like that today. There was a time when mankind was fortunate enough to have Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, Glenn Ford, Randolph Scott, and the immortal John Wayne.

Anyway, we don’t know each other, so you probably don’t want any advice from a middle-aged fuddy-duddy like me.

But.

If you WERE to ask me for some advice, which you didn’t, it is my basic belief that all 13-year-old

who put together kitchen cabinets 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians!! 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official 21. INNUENDO: Italian Suppository 22. BIGAMIST: An Italian Fog ••••

Catholic Shampoo

Two nuns were shopping at a 7Eleven. As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"