SERVICE DIRECTORY The Paper • Page 13 • August 26, 2021 The Paper Page 13 • • July 01, 2021
Letters to The Editor Cont. from Page 4
mobiles are better by far than public transit. They empower individuals to make their own choices about their own schedules and destinations. If this money is spent on public transit, we will still see empty busses and trains rolling all over town wasting fuel. /s/ Giles Blair Carlsbad
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Old Records Cont. from Page 3
per fanatic. Each morning before school, I would run to the end of our driveway to get the paper. I’d shake it open and I would read baseball box scores. I hated the Yanks, liked the Mets, the Braves were the worst team in baseball—so naturally I loved them. I kept tabs on the Gashouse Gang, the Baby Bears, the Sox, and the Royals. I wouldn’t root for the Dodgers at their own funeral.
After the sports section, I would read the funny papers. You had “Marmaduke,” “Dick Tracy, “The Family Circus,” “Dennis the Menace,” “Garfield,” and “The Far Side.” God bless Charles Schulz.
And those were just appetizers. Your main course was the columnists. I loved humor columnists. I never missed a Lewis Grizzard, an Erma Bombeck, or a Dear Abby.
I still remember the Dear Abby column about the kid who wanted a pet monkey. I have this column stuck to my refrigerator. It goes like this:
“DEAR ABBY: All my life, I have wanted a monkey. I have saved $14. I asked Daddy if I could buy a pet monkey and he said no, because I wouldn’t know how to take care of it. My mom is the fussy type. You know, everything has to be just so. Do you know anyone who has a pet monkey, and can give me some advice?” This is classic Dear Abby. And just when you think America’s levelheaded advice-giver is going to respond with something about how monkeys are impractical pets that frequently throw their own droppings at zookeepers, Abby answers like this: “DEAR KID: I have had two pet monkeys (David and Bathsheba)…”
Wait just a minute. Are we to understand that America’s most trusted counselor; whose photograph looks like a friendly Century 21 real estate broker; who delivers straightforward advice like the lady next door; who once went on record to oppose the mop-top haircut; has in fact owned not one, but TWO pet monkeys?
And are we to also understand that after purchasing these monkeys from responsible breeders, she named them after characters from the ONLY Biblical story my Sunday school teacher refused to read aloud in class because it involved a steamy bathtub scene on a balcony?
Yes, you had to love Abby. What a down-to-earth gal. I’ll bet she threw great barbecues.
So right now I am listening to music. Good music. The sound of guitars, a piano, an upright bass, and the voice of Ray Charles. I am remembering how music sounded before comput-
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ers came along and messed it all up.
Ray is singing, “You Don’t Know Me.” And this tune does something to me. I have listened to this song nearly fifty times, and each time it makes me cry. Not just because it’s a pretty song, but because they don’t make music like this anymore. And because this groin muscle is killing me.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant: See if that works better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace: I can see where it might have that effect!
Sean Dietrich is a columnist, novelist, and radio show host, known for his commentary on life in the American South.
Chuckles Cont. from Page 12
LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - AS THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says: Really? Ya' think? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers: Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over: What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death: No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-andso's!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile: Ya' think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures: Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide: They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges: You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning, Faces Battery Charge: He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group: Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft: That's what he gets for eating those beans! Kids Make Nutritious Snacks: Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half: Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall!
Chuckles Continued on Page 14
