A WAY OUT TREATMENT CENTER NEWSLETTER 01/13
AUGUST 2013
The Effects of Addiction on the Family This newsletter will focus on “The Effects of Addiction on the Family.” It provides a brief explanation as to how the family is affected, provides the 20 questions in a checklist form, looks at the establishment of boundaries and provides a couple of guides for the family to actively participate in their own recovery. There are also one or two pages of fun stuff and a poem on addiction. Pleasant reading.
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Greetings in sobriety Welcome to our new look newsletter. We have decided to re-introduce our newsletter, in an e-readable format. At this stage we are initially going to do a quarterly newsletter.
Each newsletter will have a specific theme, which will be dictated by the professional team at the treatment center. The theme will therefore maintain its relevance in terms of
recovery, and will be a theme that is applicable, as dictated by their experiences in the treatment and/or recovery environment.
As this is a relatively new project, we would appreciate input from you, the readers, with suggestions and/or constructive criticism, in order to help us to make these newsletters relevant and interesting to you.
We sincerely hope that you enjoy the first newsletter which focusses on the family, and
more specifically on the effects of addiction on the family. It is often that we forget the pain and anguish that we as addicts caused our loved ones. It is often, for us extremely
stressful, to try and repair these sometimes toxic and damaged relationships. As addicts
we also expect to be “forgiven� for our actions, and expect that the trust factor and love must immediately be restored to what it was before we started using. We however forget the damage that we have done.
Hopefully the articles and extracts in this newsletter will be of use to both the addict and the family, and will assist in both parties gaining some sort of clarity as to the feelings and concerns of the other party.
We look forward to receiving your suggestions for future articles, and would appreciate your constructive criticisms. Yours in sobriety
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ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE Addiction is a family disease. Each and every person that comes into contact with the addict is in some way affected. ItAlcoholism is estimatedand thatdrug everyaddiction addict’s behavior directly impacts affects the whole familyon–the lives of between 8 and 16 people. Everyone that comes into contact with the addict is in one
Way
In his book “Addictive Thinking – Understanding Self-Deception”, Twerski postulates that all families of addicts suffer from obsessive- compulsive behavioral dysfunction(OCBD). This term means that the addict is obsessed with using, and the family is obsessed with the addict. A family generally goes through 10 different stages in the development of their response to the disease.
These different stages can be summarized as follows: 1. Denial This is when the family denies that their loved one has a problem. They are in other words enabling the addict and the continued use of the substance of choice. 2. Development of Denial System In this stage the family denies the problem and furthermore put defense mechanisms in place so that the family doesn’t have to deal with the issues on hand. 3. Compensating Compensating takes place when the family starts “taking over” the addicts responsibilities and functions because the addict is no longer able to perform these obligations as a result of their using. 4. Contemplation This is when the family for the first time, actually recognize that a problem may exist. 5. Anger The family generally starts to feel anger towards themselves for not having recognized the problem earlier, or for not having acted differently. 6. Avoidance During this phase, the family attempts to avoid confronting and resolving the issue. This is typically evident when everyone in the family is maneuvering around the addict, but no one is saying anything about the problem on hand. 7. Confrontation & Intervention As the disease progresses the effect on the family becomes worse and worse. As the addicts tolerance and frequency levels increase, the toll on the family become worse and worse. The following phase will be that of confrontation. 8. Acceptance Once the family unit has accepted that their loved one is an addict and that they have also been affected, they can begin the process of recovery. 9. Gratitude The addiction, and its challenges, bring new opportunities for spiritual and emotional growth. These circumstances can be positively used to a quality and value that they never possessed before. 10. Adaptation Bear in mind that adapting to the needs of the addict needs to be done with extreme caution. We must always bear in mind that the addict will take a long time to heal from their addictive thinking thought processes.
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HOW DOES ADDICTION AFFECT THE FAMILY? Families of addicts are often as addicted to the addicts behavior as the addict is addicted to their substance of choice. As the addicts tolerance and frequency of useage increase, so does the family start to worry more and more about the addict. Eventually they are almost constantly thinking about the addict. The family will start to plan their lives around the addict and the addicts using patterns. The family will reach the point where they are not able to sleep at night because they concerned for the well-being the As you can well imagine, this will literally drive the family mad. It isare often at this stage that the familyofwill start to seek help from one another. This is howeveraddict. not a real solution to the problem, as the problem in essence is “swept under the mat”. Through doing this the family still holds onto the secret and the addict has many tricks to manipulate their family members in order to get away with their abuse of substances. Co – dependency traits may begin to show or may even already exist. Listed below are the most recognizable co-dependency traits, and they are that co-dependent persons : •
Believe that only other people can make them happy or sad
•
Feel like they are victims of circumstance
•
Adapt to what other people want them to do, even if it is wrong
An essential part of overcoming the addict’s effect on the family is the application of the three C’s. These three C’s mean that the family must realize that: •
They did not cause the disease
•
They can’t control the disease
•
They can’t cure the addict/ disease
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HOW TO RECOGNISE IF YOUR FAMILY IS AFFECTED Feel free to answer these questions. 1. Did you ever lose time from work due to your relationship with an addicted person? 2. Have your relationships ever made your life unhappy? 3. Have your relationships affected your reputation? 4. Have you ever felt remorse after manipulating a situation? 5. Did you ever control situations to get money to pay debts household bills or otherwise solve financial difficulties that belong to someone else? 6. Has your involvement in a relationship caused a decrease in your ambition or efficiency? 7. After a fight or disagreement, did you feel you must get even? 8. After winning an argument, did you have a strong urge to restate your point? 9. Did you often stay in a relationship until your last hope was gone? 10. Did you ever borrow money to finance another person's addiction or associated crisis? 11. Have you ever sold anything to finance another person's addiction or associated crisis? 12. Were you reluctant to purchase necessary items because it may cause a disagreement? 13. Did your relationships make you care less of the welfare of yourself and your family? 14. Did you ever stay in a degrading or dangerous situation longer than you planned? 15. Have you ever dragged old hurts into discussions about current items? 16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, and illegal act to finance someone's addiction? 17. Did your relationships cause you to have difficulty in sleeping? 18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to change someone else? 19. Did you ever have an idea that if loved ones would only see things your way, life would be much better? 20. Have you ever considered self-destruction because of your reactions or relationships?
Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes
No
Yes
No
Yes
No
Yes
No
Yes
No
Yes
No
Answering yes to five or more of these questions is an indication that codependency has become a problem in your life.
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BOUNDARIES: THE KEY TO RE-ESTABLIHING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS Prior to commencing, let’s look at what a boundary is. In essence a boundary is a clear definition of what defines me as a person, and what does not define me as a person. In short – what am I comfortable with in terms of accepting responsibility for that. Similarly we also need to clearly define what we are not prepared to accept responsibility for. Boundaries, in essence serve a couple of our basic needs as human beings. Firstly boundaries serve to keep the good experiences that we have – and discard the what we view as “bad experiences. Secondly, boundaries serve as an alarm to which experiences we are not prepared to accept responsibility for. Thirdly, boundaries help us to identify with situations or events with which we are not comfortable. The recognition of these “unacceptable boundaries” affords us the opportunity to withdraw from these negative situations/events, in order to protect ourselves. Lastly, having identified these unacceptable boundaries, and withdrawing from them, we have protected our sense of freedom. HOW DO WE DEVELOP OUR BOUNDARIES In defining our boundaries, we need to hear the word no. This is key in recognizing not only our boundaries but also the boundaries of friends and loved ones. This in essence may sound easy – but trust me it is not. It is suggested that we “learn” how to say no with people who are close to us, prior to “venturing out” in the practice of saying NO. To sum this up we need to respect, not necessarily agree with, the boundaries of others. We also need to protect our own boundaries that we have set for ourselves, by saying NO.
As much as saying NO is crucial to the development of establishing sound boundaries, so is the word YES. This may sound like a contradiction in terms, but we need to be able to honestly communicate that which is acceptable to us, as we should be able to do with that which is not acceptable. The key words in establishing boundaries are honesty and communication. It is essential that we clearly define our boundaries. We also need to internalize our limits. In other words we need to clearly define what we are prepared to accept in terms of accountability, and what we are not prepared to accept. After we have clearly defined this, it is useless unless communicated honestly to others, so that they are aware of what our boundaries are. An essential part of adhering to the boundaries that we have set ourselves is that we have to have to exercise self-discipline and accountability. BARRIERS TO CREATING BOUNDARIES As with all aspects there are barriers to creating boundaries. These barriers should be viewed as challenges and not as insurmountable obstacles.
AUGUST 2013
The most common factors that affect our boundaries are: • Past Injuries – These can be physical and / or emotional injuries that would influence our boundaries. • Distorted thinking – often the thinking of the addicted family has become distorted as a result of dealing with our addict for years or even decades. • Our view of ourselves – as addicted families we often have a very low self-esteem, blame ourselves for what has happened, feel that we are being selfish, feel that our needs are not important etc,etc • Our vie of others – we often tend to feel that others will hate us if we say no, we feel that others don’t love us when they say no, that they may leave us when we say no etc,etc • Our view of society – often we think that society is against us when we don’t get what we want, society owes us a chance at a good life
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after all the masters of our own destiny. By blaming others we keep ourselves in the victim mode, and are stagnant if not moving backwards. We need to critically look at our lives, and decide what we want to retain and what we want to discard. We need to keep our side of the pavement clean. After identifying what we wish to keep, and what we want to discard, we need to deal with all of these issues in a responsible manner. In setting our boundaries we need to develop a plan of action based predominantly on being pro instead of reactive. If our boundaries are also of a solid and healthy origin, we will find it a hell of a lot easier to challenge distorted thinking and this will also afford us the opportunity to practice being honest. The affected family typically suffers from a sense of shame, and a defense mechanism commonly used is not to talk about the addict and/or addiction.
HOW DO WE SET BOUNDARIES?
If the family wishes to commence on the wonderful In order to set effective boundaries for ourselves we and rewarding path of recovery, they will have to at need to become aware of our surroundings. We also the very least, be honest and stop hiding stuff from need to identify whether we are boundary victims or the outside world. boundary violators – or maybe even both. It is also essential for the family to remember the We need to clearly and honestly define who we are, three C’s that we talked about earlier, namely: 1. They can’t control the addict or the disease and who we are not. In order to achieve this we 2. They did not cause the person to become an need to be willing to step out of denial and ready to addict embrace reality. We need to be able to put into 3. They can never cure the disease. words what we like and don’t like, what we are prepared to accept and what we are not prepared to accept, what we will stand for and what we are not Bearing the above in mind, I am sure that the family prepared to be involved in. will now be in position to develop and implement boundaries, which are clearly understood and We also need to practice exercising our “NO adhered to by all participants of the family unit, muscle”. including the addicted family member. The easiest way to do this is to practice “small no’s with safe people”. As time goes by, and you have practiced significantly, you can move on to the bigger no’s with less safe people. As with any muscle, the more practice one puts in, the more it develops and becomes stronger. Stop playing the “blame game. We need to stop blaming others for our circumstances. Are we not
Remember that the addict cannot completely recover until the family commences their recovery journey, and vice versa. “The journey of recovery has no destination – the destination is the journey”
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RECOVERY FOR THE FAMILY AND THE ADDICT The recovery process for the addict and the family centers largely around Stages 8 to 10 as mentioned in the first section of this newsletter. To re-cap these stages are: • Accepting the problem • Feeling gratitude for the problem • Adapting to the problem Now let us look at each of these in more detail: Accepting the problem This quite simply involves the family accepting that their loved one has the disease of addiction, and that the family unit is affected. Once they have come to terms with this the process of healing can begin. In terms of the addicts recovery, the basics are really Feeling gratitude for the problem quite simple. This may well sound like a ludicrous concept, however for It is suggested that the newly recovered addict: families who have solid recovery, the addiction and it’s • Abstain from using mood or mind challenges bring the opportunity for spiritual and altering substances emotional growth. • Attend 90 meetings in 90 days • Read the relevant literature They get to meet other families that are experiencing • Find a sponsor similar challenges, and after a period of time will get “to • Work the steps give back” to new families that are just commencing their journey of recovery. These experiences will add a value By attending meetings, the addict will identify with and quality to their lives that they have never experienced “like-minded people” who have already travelled the before. new path that the addict is embarking upon. Adapting to the problem This may sound easy to the family, but bear in As families adapt their lifestyle to meet their need to mind that the addict also has to deal with the reremain in recovery, they add quality and discipline to their programming of the addictive thought processes, lives. which will take time. Bear in mind however that adapting to the needs of the addict needs to be done with EXTREME caution. Any addict who puts in anywhere near the same An addict takes a long time recover from their addictive amount of time that they spent using/obsessing thought processes. This doesn’t happen at the flick of a about their drug of choice, is promised in the switch. literature that they will be “happy joyous and free.” Families can adapt by making sure that the house is alcohol/drug free, by having regular family meals together, by doing traditional family activities together.
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A BRIEF OVERVIEW OF WHERE THE FAMILY CAN ACCESS SUPPORT GROUPS As previously mentioned, it is essential that the family of recovering addicts also attend to the restoration of healthy boundaries, especially when dealing directly with the addict. To this end there are two “sister fellowships” which have been created specifically to assist the family in dealing with the complex, overwhelming and very often mis-understood topic of addiction. These two “sister fellowships are detailed below, and you will find their web addresses attached. All it will take is a phone call asking for their assistance, and rest assured that they will go out of their way to assist you and welcome you into their fellowship. CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS CoDA meetings provide a safe and anonymous space to work through any issues arising from co-dependence. You can find a list of meetings on the website below and are welcome to just arrive. It is recommended to go to 6 meetings before deciding if the program will work for you. Along with regular meetings it is a good idea to find a sponsor to guide you through your recovery and to help you work the 12 Step Program.
AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS Al-Anon Family Groups have been in existence for over 50 years as a community resource providing support to those affected by someone else's drinking. When family and friends of problem drinkers meet, we give hope and comfort to one another, to learn how to live comfortably in spite of the effects of the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon’s website can be viewed at the following address: http://www.alanon.org.za/ Remember
CoDA South Africa has a number of meetings that run in Cape Town, Johannesburg and Port Elisabeth. http://www.codasouthafrica.co.za/
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I was looking for something appropriate to include along the lines of a poem, or something similar, to round off this newsletter. Initially I included a poem on Tik that was sent me to me by a dear friend in recovery. However when I was walking home after a meeting tonight, I noticed I had received a mail from a site that I subscribe to. Attached was my weekly mail from the said site – and guess what – the poem was entitled “Addiction Poems about Family, What Happened”. I was only talking to Hein earlier today about the seemingly weird co-incidences that seem to happen when we embrace our recovery. Therefore, without further a due, and with gratitude to my Higher Power, I have included the poem. Strange as well how it fits in with the theme chosen for this newsletter. The girl who wrote this poem has a sister who was also her best friend. Now her sister is addicted to her drug of choice, and all she can do is pray that her sister will win the battle against this substance.
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WHAT HAPPENED? What happened is what I ask myself every day. What was she thinking when she put her life to waste? This is my sister and I love her with all my heart, But her doing drugs has only kept us far apart I never thought she would end up this way, It hurts me knowing I can’t help her, So all I do is pray. I pray for her to open her eyes before it’s too late. Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby, I guess she doesn’t care if her kids end up without a mommy. Why can’t she be the way she was before? Now that was my sister, The one that always loved me more. She was my best friend, We were always together Nothing ever kept us apart Because we promised that we’d be sisters forever I guess that forever finally came to an end. She doesn’t love me anymore, Since her drug of choice became her new best friend. I cry every time something reminds me of my sister, I feel anger and pain knowing that I can’t help her. But I won’t lose faith, Every night I will pray, Cause I know that someday God will show her the way. So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best, I pray it’s never my sister who’ll someday be put to rest. ***************************
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SOME FUN & FOOD FOR THOUGHT
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CONCLUSION UNTIL NEXT TIME In final closing I have included one of what, in my opinion, is most possibly the best way of summing everything about our recovery up: “We realize that we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.
It is possible, with a little bit of effort and work, for the family to return to a” healthy state” and continue a relatively normal family life.
CONCLUSION In closing, we sincerely hope that this edition has given you some valuable pointers on recovering integrity and serenity within the context of the family. The suggestions and guides above are in no ways intended to replace the outcomes of therapy and support groups, both of which are some of the core principles of the healing process. The family is an integral part of every addict’s recovery and will normally be the first to notice the subtle and sometimes not so subtle changes, which the addict undergoes during their recovery process. With that being said it is vital for the family to heal their damages as well, so that the family and the addict move forwards in their respective recoveries. Wishing you and your families a happy, healthy and serene recovery.
Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if you own house is in order .But obviously you cannot transmit something you have not got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and for countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God, as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge* the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you – until then.” *= Walked with purpose Extracted from The Big Book – Page 164
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