Best of the Worst Romance Movies

Romance THE BEST OF THE WORST MOVIES

by Dakota Parks

Maybe you’re alone on Valentine’s Day this year or maybe you want to get together with the guys, gals and nonbinary pals to pretend it’s still possible to find love bumping into an attractive, albeit, facemask covered human at a coffee shop—not swiping aimlessly left and right on stranger’s selfies and photos of their dogs. If romance movies were truly accurate, 50 First Dates would be about self-induced amnesia to forget terrible

Tinder dates and Must Love Dogs would be its own dating app entirely devoid of people still convinced that you can actually domesticate cats. Nonetheless, it’s the month of clearance chocolates at Publix and romance movies, so buckle up or cuddle up to your significant other and enjoy some cult classics and contemporary romance movies with questionable plotlines.

Never Been Kissed

(1999) HULU Sure, the main plot here might be Drew Barrymore trying to get her first kiss as a grown adult working as an undercover reporter, but let’s talk about going undercover as a teenager and catching feelings for the male English teacher at school. Yikes. That Ferris wheel scene gives off some uncomfy To Catch A Predator vibes.

The Notebook

Pretty Woman

(1990) AMAZON PRIME If you don’t think a rich businessman falling in love with a prostitute and showering her with money, etiquette lessons and high-end shopping sprees is romantic, then you’re not the only one confused by this SugarBabies.com plotline. After 2020, I think we could all use a Richard Gere in our lives—maybe just his credit card and not the jealousy, possessiveness and toxic tropes that embody his character. Julia Roberts as Vivian shopping and singing Prince in the bubble bath is a mood though. (2004) HULU It might be the origin of your favorite meme asking your girlfriend what she wants to eat, but The Notebook remains one of the most popular Nicholas Sparks’ romances. When another wealthy heiress (seriously though, where do these rich women keep coming from), Allie falls in love with a poor lumber mill worker, Noah, the two fill an entire notebook with their drama and seem to make a habit into making out in the rain, or something like that.

Titanic

(1997) HULU Ahh, a classic love story where a poor artist saves a rich heiress and reinforces that class relations should go down with the ship. Sorry, no plot spoilers here, but Jack sets a high precedent for chivalry—painting you like one of his French girls and offering to do more than just hold a door for Rose. Cue every mathematician that tried to determine that door was big enough for two people.

The Vow

(2012) HULU What’s

with romance movies and amnesia? You would think the last thing on someone’s mind after waking up from a coma is how to get the groove back on in the romance department. Apparently a voicemail is compelling enough for Paige to go home with a stranger from the hospital after completely losing her memory in a car accident. But her husband is dedicated to helping her get her memory back, one awkward surprise party at a time.

Friends with Benefits (2011) AMAZON PRIME Admittedly any movie starring Justin Timberlake or Mila Kunis is dreamboat, but this rom-com is a classic that gets funnier each time you watch it. While most people just hope their friends with benefits share their Netflix password, lead characters Jamie and Dylan are convinced that they can remain platonic friends while having casual sex, meeting each other’s family and even climbing the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles on a dare. I’m sure you can do the rom-com climax/resolution plot map and guess the ending, but, hey, what did you expect?

Warm Bodies

(2013) AMAZON PRIME Finally, a

zombie movie for the hopeless romantics. This romance/horror/comedy mash up starts out with a plague in an abandoned airport, (I know a little close to home currently), and reminds us that even the walking dead deserves to find love. Maybe it’s a little cliché—girl meets zombie and warms his heart, but, hey the soundtrack slaps and they made Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet dystopian.

Blue Is the Warmest Color

(2013) AMAZON PRIME

Notoriously trendy on Pornhub, this classic French film gets an A+ for making everyone that watches it crave pasta—yes, nearly every meal in this film features giant pots of spaghetti. When Adèle passes blue-haired art student Emma on the street, it sets her off on a journey of discovery, courtship and heartbreak. At nearly three hours long, this LGBT+ romance is filled with drama and a heap of emotional overeating that anyone post-breakup can relate to.

The Lobster (2015) HULU It’s weird, absurdist and a classic A24 produced film. We’ve all imagined what animals we’d like to turn into as kids, but in this film, all single people have 45 days to find romantic partners or they’re turned into animals of their choice. For main character, David, that choice is a lobster and he’s accompanied by a dog, who happens to be his brother. People can extend their deadline only by hunting down other single people in the forest like The Most Dangerous Game or your aunt that constantly wants to set you up on a blind date.

Love, Simon

(2018) HULU Have you ever fallen in love with an anonymous person in an online chat room? Oh, the good old days of Omegle and Chatroulette, which totally didn’t emotionally scar anyone. The plot sounds vaguely close to that movie Her where the man falls in love with his computer, but it’s a little more wholesome. Simon, a 17-year-old closeted gay high schooler falls in love with an anonymous classmate online and sets out to discover who he is. Simon might spend half the movie in a relationship with his phone, but isn’t that just modern dating?