9 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Advertisement
Dear Navidaters,
I’m writing to your panel because I am at my wits’ end.
My daughter is a young, beautiful woman with a ton going for her. Because she is not yet married, people (friends and even family) give the most outlandish advice to try and push us into uncomfortable situations. One example, which was the straw that broke the camel’s back, is the following.
Someone very close to us called multiple times. When my daughter finally answered, this person explained how she heard that a woman in the community lost her husband, r”l. Since this woman lost a relative, she told my daughter to go to the shiva house because the woman dabbles in shidduchim.
These kind of bizarre “requests” from family and friends happen regularly. My question is: how do we respond to such comments? How can we show the person that their efforts to help are only hurting?
Thank you Mrs. T.*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Mrs. T., I feel for you. Well-meaning friends and family give you unsuitable advice and urge unseemly activities, hoping to help your daughter find her mate. This is stressing you and you want to stop them from inappropriate initiatives and intervention.
You can try to change behaviors; you cannot change people. If they are so socially inappropriate and insensitive with outlandish recommendations and pressure, don’t even try to fix them and make them see what they are doing. Just thank them for their concern and caring for your daughter. Say it again. And say it again. And say it again when they pressure you.
The broken record approach works. You just have to have the stamina to keep at it.
It’s easier said than done. It’s hard to let this bounce off you.
Reassure yourself that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. You’re making your reasonable efforts as hishtadlus and, of course, you are davening. Your daughter is wonderful, and the right young man will come along when Hashem wants him to appear and no longer.
Don’t let the others get to you. The repetitive, polite thanks and appreciation will become easier, and some of them will probably modify their inappropriate suggestions.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Hearing stories like this validates the saying: common sense is unfortunately not very common. I thank you for writing in, Mrs. T. Because even if I don’t have the right advice for you to turn the situation around, you have created awareness amongst our readers.
The first thing I would like to stress is don’t make other people’s problems your problem. The people suggesting strange and awkward solutions likely have a strong need for control over others’ lives. There are people like this. The first step is for you and your daughter to acknowledge that this person has a problem.
The second step is dealing with this person. You will never be able to change this person, no matter how hard you may try. You will also never be able to reason with this person, so suggesting that her idea was inappropriate will not help. What can you do? Here is where your acting skills will come in handy. Smile and thank this person in as few words as possible. Tell her you will consider her thoughts and advice and wish her a good day. Any questions or comments that come after this should be answered with an exact repeat of your first comment verbatim. Keep repeating yourself; you do not owe her any direct answers. She will eventually stop.
Remember: You will never change this person, and it is not your job to. Just thank G-d that you have more seichel and emotional intelligence than this person, it should be a kapparah.
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Thank you for writing in! I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s really not fun.
I love how people play G-d and know exactly what will push the yeshua over the edge to have your daughter find her bashert. It’s so hard to filter through the comments – to internalize the ones that give you chizuk, while dumping the ones that have the opposite effect.
One thing to remember is that everyone means well. Everyone has good intentions when they’re suggesting those segulas, when they wish you “iyH by you,” and when they suggest off the beaten track ideas that are “just PERFECT!”
I wonder if you can just say “thank you” to those who are making outlandish suggestions or hurtful comments. No need for follow up or added commentary. Just extend your appreciation to them for taking the time out to think of an idea for your daughter.
It’s so nice when you know some-
one is thinking of your family. Just think for a moment of the flip side – of those who don’t get a single call. Of those who are waiting by the phone for someone to suggest an idea, a new shadchan, something for them to hold hope on to.
Please know that I’m not negating your pain for even a second. People don’t always know what to say in these situations and are just trying their hardest to help out in the way that they know best. No one is malicious, and no one wants to hurt you. If you’re close to a specific person who’s reaching out with an outlandish suggestion, respectfully tell them that you are not willing to pursue this suggestion as of now and will follow up if you feel that it’s something that you need to do. No need to feel pressured into something that you’re not comfortable with and no need to feel pressured into answering them with an answer that they want to hear. Remember, Hashem runs this world, and He runs it amazingly well. He has an incredible plan – one that we may not understand right now, but iyH will understand in the future. Hold strong and continue to daven.
Hashem should help each and every single person find their shidduch b’karov, at the right time with astounding clarity.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Isn’t it remarkable how “helpful
friends” can be so insensitive and clueless, when they make offensive comments, like:
“Why are you still single?”
“I never liked ‘So and So’ anyway.”
“Don’t you want to have children?”
“Maybe you’re too picky.”
When well-meaning folks make impertinent remarks like that to you or to your daughter, isn’t it tempting to look them in the eye and respond, ever-so-sweetly, “Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some folks appear bright until they speak.”
But no, unfortunately, you can’t do that.
Instead, you need to have a prepared, consistent, polite response.
Try, “Thank you for the advice. I can tell you really care, and we appreciate that.”
Good luck.
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Mrs. T.,
Thank you for writing into the panel. I am sorry that you and your daughter are experiencing outlandish advice and are being pushed into uncomfortable situations. I’m sure many readers will be able to relate to your dilemma and to the way you are feeling. People say all sorts of insensitive things. Most people do not realize they are doing so and are genuinely trying to be helpful. Some, believe it or not, are intentionally inappropriate and most likely get some sort of rise out of mixing in and getting a reaction. But those are few and far between.
Although we may want to give others a piece of our mind when hearing these comments and suggestions – understandably so – the safest bet is to have a line or two prepared to respond with when these instances occur. Here are a few to choose from:
Thank you so much for thinking of me. I am not interested.
I won’t be attending the shiva house.
I do appreciate your efforts.
Thank you for letting me know. Although everyone reading this paper, and I, would like to never be confronted by an inappropriate person saying inappropriate, intrusive, or downright hurtful remarks, we simply cannot control what other people say. Please know that the remarks are not a reflection of you or your daughter, but a reflection of insensitivity within the other person. Maybe your email and this week’s panel can serve as a helpful reminder to those well-intentioned people (the ill-intentioned people won’t stop, so I am not addressing them) who are genuinely trying to help.
Before we make a suggestion or comment, let us imagine how this may land on a single person and/ or his/her family. Let us not make suggestions in front of others. Let us not draw too much attention to someone’s marital status i.e. You’re gorgeous! How are you still single? Please let us never ask that question. It is hurtful because it highlights a person’s frustrations. That person wonders this every day. This is not a newsworthy chiddish and it is embarrassing. Let us always think of and speak with single people and their families with emotional sensitivity making sure not to embarrass anyone. Let us not send singles and their families on wild goose chases to shiva houses to meet a shadchan. It can make someone feel unworthy and small.
May your daughter find her bashert very soon! Until then, the easiest way to handle to insensitive people is to smile and nod and say, “Thank you.” Wishing you all the best.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
