6 minute read
Teen Talk
By Rebbetzin Sori Teitelbaum
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Dear Teen Talk,
Teen Talk, a new column in TJH, is geared I have been friends with a group of friends since fourth grade. We are in eighth grade now. We really understand each other and enjoy spending time together. Recently, I have noticed that two of my friends have been talking in a certain way about themselves that makes me feel a bit weird. They are always making comments like, “Oh, I’m so fat” or “I can’t towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for. believe I said that. I’m so stupid” or “My family is such losers.”
I know that you are going to say that it’s because they don’t have self-esteem, and maybe that’s true, but I’m finding these comments annoying because they’re always putting themselves down.
So I have two questions for you:
First of all, what should I say when they make these comments? When I tell them, “Oh, you’re really smart/ fit/cool, etc.” it seems to go over their heads. And plus, I’m not their therapist.
Is this something they will grow out of? Should I not be friends with them anymore?
Please help.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sending in your question. You seem very mature – your questions were articulate and it is clear you have been thinking a lot about your quandary and how to proceed. I will do my best to guide you here.
It is quite common for friendships to be tested as children mature. It seems you are going through that difficult challenge right now. I know the proper way is to answer the questions you presented in the order they were presented. Allow me please to answer your second question, though, before your first. DO NOT end the friendship! What does friendship mean? A friend is someone who you can talk to, have fun with, laugh with, cry with, and who stands by you even during difficult times. I remember when my youngest son broke his leg at the age of 6. It was the end of May, when the weather was beautiful, and all his friends were outside playing and riding bikes after school. Yet his best friend gave up playing outside and came to visit my son every single day after school. It was so special to see a 6-year-old understand what it means to stand by your friend even in challenging times. Your friends are struggling, and now is not the time to teenage years are a scary time, and everyone deals with the challenges and intense peer pressure in their own way.
The power of negativity is a very strong force. It is interesting to note that young children are
walk away. And NO, it’s not something they will necessarily “grow out of” but rather something you can help them “grow into.”
For whatever reasons, your friends seem to be calling for attention. You are right; it certainly could be their low self-esteem and lack of sufficient self-confidence that is causing them to act this way and say these negative remarks about themselves. I will let you in on a secret: even the most self-confident people need validation and compliments! The inherently very positive. But the power of negativity begins to develop during the teen years and continues through adulthood. Not only that, but a child’s self-confidence also begins to dwindle as he ages. There was a Harvard study that tracked a group of children from kindergarten all the way thru college. Eighty-five percent of the children had a high sense of self at the age of 5. By the time this same group of children graduated college, only 15% still had a high sense of self. What happened? Maybe it’s peer pressure, maybe
Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.
it’s teachers, maybe it’s parents. It is probably a combination of all three that leads to a less self-assured individual.
We are reading the story of Yishmael and Yitzchak now in Parshas Vayeira. Sarah Imeinu tells Avraham to send Yishmael away because he is “metzachek.” There are many interpretations for this word but one of them is “negative deflation.” Sarah was fearful of Yishmael’s negativity piercing through and bursting Yitzchak’s positivity, like a tiny prick deflating a whole balloon! So don’t drop your friends! I am sure you heard of the glass half-full concept. We usually say there are two options: it is either half full (positive) or half empty (negative). But here is another option – that the glass is filled to midpoint. So now what? One needs to analyze it!
So when your friends make a comment like “my family is such losers,” instead of saying, “No they are not,” process the comment! Say, “That must be so hard for you! Let’s talk about it and figure out why you feel that way.” Validate their comment in the fact that you are hearing them but help them reframe their thoughts in a more productive way. More often than not, when we process things out loud with a friend who lends a listening ear, we see things for what they REALLY are and not what we “emotionally” see them as. You will be able to help your friends in a way they cannot succeed alone. By being a good friend, you will actually allow them to look inside of themselves, see the positive in them and all around them, thereby growing into positive people!
Don’t think of yourself as their therapist – you are just being a good friend!
Rebbetzin Sori Teitelbaum is the rebbetzin emeritus of Young Israel of Lawrence-Cedarhurst. She recently retired from teaching at HAFTR middle school and high school in the Five Towns. She is a well-known speaker and is involved in all aspects of the community. Rabbi and Rebbetzin Teitelbaum recently made aliyah and live most of the year in Ramat Beit Shemesh.
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