11 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
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Dear Navidaters,
I’m dating a guy who I really like and have seen things progress easily, which is not something that comes around often. Something recently came up that’s starting to worry me, but I’m not sure if it’s just cold feet or something to actually worry about. On our last date, I opened the glove compartment to try and find a pen and noticed a huge pile of unpaid parking/red light tickets. This shocked me because Levi* is generally a responsible guy or at least comes across as one. Since I found the tickets, I have noticed he speeds through yellow lights and does go quite fast while driving on our dates, although I can’t remember him doing this early on in our relationship. I brought it up on our last date, and he laughed. He said that these government agencies look for ways to take your money and he is not buying into a corrupt system by paying for it.
Something about this does not sit right with me, and I found his response disturbing. Is my intuition correct on this one?
Chani*
The Rebbetzin
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
You are right on the money! There is a double red flag here. One is his irresponsible attitude toward safety. That is very important for a partner with whom one expects to raise a family, travel, and live in a home. This shows a lack of maturity.
What deepens the problem is his conspiracy approach to government and an us-versus-them mentality. While this has become popular during the last few years and resulted in a substantial number of people in the U.S. disbelieving everything, common sense should rule when it comes to the reasons behind driving safety rules. If he has bought into this mentality (and it’s very popular among certain populations), you are in deep trouble.
If everything is perceived as fake and caused by the systems in place, there is no place for good judgment. Lack of judgment and use of reason will impair one’s life in every decision, from work decisions to health decisions to personal life decisions.
It’s very good that you caught this and brought it up. When one sees something concerning during dating, one should address it directly but tactfully. This wise decision to discuss the matter has shown you the young man’s attitude in his own words. This attitude is doubly dangerous. Stay away.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
This guy doesn’t just exhibit red flags; he owns the whole flag store!
Issue #1) Hiding the tickets
Issue #2) Not paying the tickets
Issue #3) Speeding and disregarding safety
Issue #4) Not listening to author-
ity
Issue #5) Laughing as a response to your concern
Issue #6) Belittling your concern
Issue #7) Paranoia about government agencies
The best way to make sure your intuition is correct is using this simple test. Ask this guy you are dating if he has a rav or mentor whom he listens to and gets guidance from. Based on your letter, I am 99% positive he does not follow authority or go to others for direction and advice. This alone is a reason to say goodbye to this fellow. One of the most important things you need to look for in a husband is someone you can trust. Someone who, when the going gets tough, will agree to look outwards for guidance. It does not seem like Levi has that capacity.
I recommend going with your intuition. Say goodbye and drive through this yellow light of a relationship, before it turns red.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Ihave heard of singles who, while using the restroom in their date’s apartment, secretly check the medicine cabinet to inspect prescription bottles. You might be starting a new trend: checking glove compartments.
Actually, it is very wise for you to acquire as much information as possible about a prospective mate. The question here is whether your date is merely rebellious or is actually reckless.
1. Rebelliousness
You might wish to consider that young men often like to brag and show off. Perhaps his driving and ticket-ignoring are simply his way of trying to impress you with his macho, fearless charisma. And, young men know that some young women seem to be attracted to “bad boys.”
After all, he didn’t throw out the accumulated parking tickets. If he’s stockpiling them in his glove compartment, it seems like he’s planning on eventually paying the collection in one fell swoop.
Also, perhaps there’s something positive and likeable about folks who refuse to robotically follow every arbitrary, illogical, rule, and regulation imposed upon us. Whether in studying Talmud, medicine, or science, a healthy mind will question every assertion and insist that every declaration be evidence-based.
Ask yourself what you would do in the following scenario: You are walking down the street, alone, on a beautiful, clear day. You come to a red light at a small intersection. You can clearly see that there are no approaching cars, from any direction, for at least two miles. Do you carefully cross at the red light, or do you wait, alone, on the corner, for the two minutes it will take for the light to turn green?
2. Recklessness
HOWEVER, the very, very real danger is that his behavior transcends harmless rebelliousness and is actually reckless. A reckless husband is a danger, not only physically but also financially.
Clearly, someone who drives recklessly is indicative of a person who poses a grave danger to his wife and children. Callously exposing oneself and loved ones to physical harm is not cool.
Further, such a person poses a financial danger to his family. Will he fail to pay utility, tax, credit card, and mortgage bills in a timely fashion? Will he be irresponsible with the family finances?
Such a person is, very predictably, an extremely poor candidate for a happy, healthy marriage.
Intuition is a gift.
3. What to do?
You need to have some very frank conversations with the young man. You need to ask him: *It’s easy to understand why you resent paying those tickets, but aren’t you worried that you risk accumulating added penalties and interest, you risk damaging your credit score, and you risk having your car towed away? *Have you ever considered how speeding and ignoring traffic lights can cause accidents and harm innocent people? *Do you see anything wrong with cheating on taxes, or is the IRS simply another corrupt government agency looking to take your money?
It will be interesting to see how he responds. Your frankness might jolt him with a dose of reality and help him realize that his behavior has been immature. Or, he might disparage your concerns and reveal himself to be very bad marriage material.
Either way, please take your time with this relationship until you definitively discover the young man’s true character.
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Chani, I really hear your concerns around Levi’s response and appreciate that you are not simply allowing his actions to slide under the rug. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to have learned this information about him after finally finding a guy whom you
like and feel things are progressing easily with. I applaud your ability to pay attention to your intuition in a healthy and appropriate manner.
You mention that Levi is generally a responsible guy, or at least comes across as one. His ability to appear this way seems to be slowly drifting away as you spend more time with him and notice his mannerisms in a more detailed light. Remember, the only thing you can’t fake is authenticity. So, although it looked like Levi was responsible, his true colors are beginning to shine, allowing you to see a different side of him.
Before touching upon Levi’s verbal response, it’s important to point out some other factors playing a role here. It’s not uncommon for young men to drive in a slightly more reckless manner from time to time. However, if Levi believed you were truly precious cargo, he would be more cautious and aware of his speed in your presence. I would be interested to hear what it was like for you when Levi laughed in response to your concern. Does your relationship usually consist of open and honest conversation or was this a normal reaction on his part?
I have heard some interesting people say some crazy things, however, Levi’s idea about government agencies looking for ways to take your money is a new one. Even better is him not buying into it by paying for it. The arrogance and ignorance shining through those statements is strong. Chani, are you interested in dating someone who sounds to be beyond haughty, foolish, and absurd? Aside from the technical consequences, such as getting arrested or having a boot put on the car, it sounds like there are serious mental and emotional issues Levi needs to work through.
Although I am a strong advocate of thought-provoking questions leading someone to come to his or her own conclusions, I can’t even begin to unpack what Levi was trying to communicate because of how irrational and illogical his explanation of the tickets are. I encourage you to follow your intuition and look at the circumstance at face value. Do you really want to be dating Levi? Do you trust him to support you mentally, emotionally, and finan-
cially? Do you entrust him to be the father of your children?
It appears to me that through Levi’s actions and response Hakadosh Baruch Hu is giving you the greatest gift we all strive to receive: clarity.
Pulling It All Together
it? Whatever The Navidaters it is you felt is your truth. So Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists often, women (and in my experience, more so than men) try to un-feel the way
Da man is making ear Chani, are won- her feel. We do this
I’m so glad you wrote to our dering if the danger is for varying reasons: fear panel! Isn’t intuition amazing? perceived or real, to which of losing the person, fear of not Personally, the older I get and the very often I must ethically getting married, fear of expecting more twists and turns my own life respond... I do not know. But too much, or fear of being thought has taken, the more I am learning to you do, or you will, with time and of as “difficult” or “picky.” trust my own intuition. conversation. I can only suggest that if this
Full disclosure: since I have been I can tell you with confidence that is weighing on you, you bring it up on my own intuition journey, begin- if you felt unheard or if your con- again with Levi and assess his rening to trust it and see the fruits of cern went unnoticed or was laughed sponse. If he is more caring and can that labor pay off, the more I can at, you must ask yourself how that acknowledge your concerns, then encourage others to do the same. felt. Did you like it? Did you dislike there is a path forward. If he canIntuition is a gift. It is wired into it? Did you find Levi funny? Some not do that, where does one go from your DNA to safeguard you from women might. Did you find Levi to there? I’m not sure. In a healthy perceived or real danger. I often be dismissive? Some women might. relationship, your concerns should respond to people in this very col- Did you feel a sense of safety or a be top priority to your partner. You umn or in my very office when they lack of safety when you spoke about should be listened to and cared for. Respected.
There are some men who have a need for speed. Yes, they like the thrill of it. And sometimes, they will have a woman in the car who is white-knuckling the door handle begging him to slow down. And he will say, “Come on! Stop overreacting! I’m just having fun.” Or, “You’re too nervous! Relax!” That kind of behavior is unacceptable and often typical of other personality issues – stubbornness, self-entitlement, overall difficult personality, and twisting reality to make you feel like the difficult one. I’m curious if Levi would put you in such a situation, based on his history with speeding tickets.
I think it’s time to talk with him about this...again. And as always, to you and all our readers: go with your gut! Trust and believe.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
