Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Attaining Balance

by Sara rayvych, MSed

there are some things you just can’t make up.

Upon the suggestion of a family member, I started an article on balancing the various needs of Pesach, such as expenses and sanity. I was only a few paragraphs in when I read an article in a different newspaper (not TJH) describing in-depth the luxury of their Pesach getaway options. From barbeques to tearooms, they’ve got you covered. Do you need activities to entertain you? They have a jam-packed schedule. Underneath this article of opulence was a notice asking for donations to the food pantry. For a small donation, you can help provide a seder for a family in need.

The article further pointed out that going away relieves you of “the burden” of Pesach. Yes, the word “burden” was used. Rather than suffer the “burden” of preparing for yom tov, you can get away from it all.

I’m not here to speak out against Pesach programs nor going away for yom tov. Everything has a time and place, and there are many reasons why families may choose to go away, including to a hotel, for Pesach. Please do not take this article as a rant on Pesach programs or any particular method of relaxation. That is certainly not my intent.

I couldn’t get past the disconnect between the two halves of the same page. The top of the page described the many types of meat you could enjoy, the convenience of having your food brought to you while you lounged about (no need to get up), and a Pesach seder costing thousands of dollars. The bottom of the same page asked for a small donation to provide the basics to help a family have a seder. For these families, just the basics of wine or grape juice and matzah can be out of their reach.

I will admit I was upset with the choice of words. I can understand calling Pesach preparations “challenging,” “involved” or even (though not my favorite) “stressful.” What message are we giving over to our children when we refer to this gift from Hashem as a “burden”? It’s inconceivable that a mitzvah should be considered something we want to avoid and get away from.

I’m not denying that a lot goes into making Pesach. I’ve done it myself many times, baruch Hashem. In fact, I’m writing this article in between my various Pesach responsibilities. Sadly, my house doesn’t prepare itself. It’s not easy, but it’s a very special time, made even more meaningful when we can more appropriately balance the many pressures of this season. Additionally, the better we balance the many aspects of the holiday, the less stress we should encounter.

Each individual/family will find a different balance that works for them. Furthermore, the appropriate balance is completely unique to each individual and changes over time. What works for me won’t work for you; what works for me today may not work tomorrow.

As we come up to the big Pesach stretch, we are suddenly thrown off-kilter and need to find a whole new rhythm.

Finances

Pesach can get expensive. Life can get expensive. Your car’s gas tank is currently a money guzzler. There are some expenses we can’t, nor should, avoid, but there are some that we can. It’s hard to discuss money, because everyone has a different income, along with requisite expenses. By necessity, this section will be up to each family to determine the appropriate level of expenditures for themselves. To be honest, I wouldn’t even feel appropriate telling others how to spend their money.

Our community has families that range from affluent to financially needy, many families barely make it from one paycheck to the next. This puts pressure on families to feel like they need to keep up and spend money they don’t have. I know of families that have lived off maxed-out credit cards or bank loans. Parents have confided in me of the stress they undergo each vacation period trying to provide their child with outings that will not shame them in front of their peers.

The demands of keeping up with others has only gotten harder and more painful. It’s a vicious cycle; the fancier we go, the more pressure others feel.

Pesach Expenses

There are many expenses for this yom tov. I’ll briefly go through some of them.

We need to purchase an entire, fresh kitchen’s worth of food (and sometimes small appliances or utensils). The food can, at times, cost more than the rest of the year. I bake challah – a 5 lb. bag of flour costs way less than a pound of matza.

Pesach started when the Jews left Mitzrayim, and many continue that tradition today by leaving their homes in a mass exodus. Some go to the deserts of Pesach hotels, others to villas. Some families travel the distance to visit family and friends, while others enjoy day trips. There is a vast price difference between an all-inclusive trip to a luxury hotel and a day trip to the zoo, but both get the family out and about.

Each member of the family enjoys feeling fresh in new clothes and shoes in honor of the big event. Suits, dresses, and crisp white shirts all add up in the budget.

These many expenses can cause serious strain on the average salary. We want to look our best, enjoying this special time, but we need to think carefully before putting ourselves into debt to do so.

Each family needs to evaluate for themselves what amount they can appropriately allocate towards each area. The very fancy, expensive Pesach cakes look nice but may not taste much different than the cheaper, less attractive ones. They rarely taste as good as homemade. Trips don’t need to be expensive to create priceless memories. A local park where everyone can interact with each other, and the kids can run, is often more meaningful than somewhere farther that costs much more. Clothing can feel and look great, even without a designer label on their tag.

Proper balance is very personal. For

example, some families may need the cost saving of homemade cakes, while others need the reduced stress of less baking.

Stress

As mentioned earlier, Pesach is considered a burden by many. Truthfully, it’s sad but understandable. Taking an honest look, it seems incomprehensible that our holiday of freedom should necessitate beginning with a period of “misery” each year. Perhaps it’s worth asking ourselves if what we’re doing is what Hashem truly intended.

We need to prepare and scrupulously ensure no chometz remains, yet this can, and should, be done with simcha shel mitzvah. Perhaps it would be beneficial to ask if what we’re doing is what the mitzvah requires or if it’s optional. For example, it’s nice to clean out our children’s drawers from their outgrown clothing but perhaps too-small clothing aren’t chometz. It feels cleansing to remove every stain from the floor and carpet but, those too, may not be chometz.

A yom tov meal is special family time but doesn’t need to have new, gourmet dishes for each course. If you find yourself stressing out over food preparations, paring down your menu or making easier dishes can be a basic way to relieve some of the cooking tension. This year, both sets of two days of yom tov coincide with Shabbos, which makes it the perfect year to simplify your life.

Trying to find ways to make it more

fun can ease the seemingly inevitable tension. Taking a break to go to the park, a pizza dinner for your cute helpers, or singing loudly to your favorite tunes can go a long way towards making a tedious task into a fun adventure.

There are many resources out there, all geared towards making Pesach preparations as stress-free as possible. Take full advantage of all that’s out there to help. For our sanity and children’s chinuch, it’s worth simplifying all we can and making the pre-Pesach period as pleasant as possible.

Remember, sometimes, less is more. If you’re doing more but feeling tense or

yelling, it isn’t enhancing yom tov for anyone. If we make our preparations a bit easier, the house may not feel the same shine, but your children’s smiles will more than make up for it. Find out the halacha, do what is needed but not more than that if it increases stress.

For those who aren’t feeling the financial pinch this season, please remember the many families in our community that are. A little donation can go a long way in the right hands. Your local rav or any of our incredible organizations can put your assistance to good use. It can be the difference that gives a family enough to eat or their children new attire to wear.

Teaching our youth that we can be b’simcha within our budget is a lesson that will last them a lifetime. Being happy with what we have is one of the keys to a life of satisfaction and contentment. Let’s join as a community, preparing joyously for our redemption as we make memories for the next generation.

May we join together to welcome the ultimate geula, b’mheira b’yameinu.

A local park where everyone can interact with each other, and the kids can run, is often more meaningful than somewhere farther that costs much more.

Please daven for a refuah sh’leimah for Yechiel Meir ben Sarah.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.