7 minute read
Parenting Pearls
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
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Iwill start off by saying I don’t feel adequate to cover this topic, and I was very hesitant to take it on. Despite these misgivings, I am adding my humble and basic thoughts because I feel the topic is too important to ignore. Truthfully, few of us are capable of doing justice to such a lofty concept but it still needs to be discussed. As we are finishing these final days of Sefiras Ha’omer and we prepare for Matan Torah, it seems like an appropriate time to focus on our relationship with the Giver of the Torah.
We often mention Hashem in our daily interactions with our children. They learn to daven, make bracho,s and learn Hashem’s Torah. We teach them about mitzvos and appropriate middos. These are all beautiful and important things for our children to learn.
In my humble opinion, having a personal connection and relationship with Hashem goes further than that and also needs to be directly taught. When a child gets an ice cream cone, do they realize that Hashem provided them with it? If they need something, will they ask Hashem for help? These are lofty goals and concepts that are hard enough for an adult to understand. Despite these developmental limitations, children can, on some basic level, begin to associate aspects of their daily life with a Higher Source.
Children, in their own way, can begin to recognize that Hashem has an effect on their daily life and is The One they can turn to whenever they need. Their understanding may be immature but we can begin to plant those seeds in their mind. In some paradoxical way, children, with their purity and simplicity, can accept and understand some of these concepts that adults find challenging. As adults, we naturally feel a greater level of control over our lives than children do and perhaps this illusion limits our ability to recognize, in a way that children can, that Hashem is in charge of even the more minor aspects of our lives.
Thank Hashem
We say brachos but do children who are not fluent in Hebrew internalize that the bracha is acknowledging that Hashem provided them with the item they’re about to eat? Children may benefit from lovingly being told, “Wow, what a treat Hashem gave you!” In the same way, children can be told when they receive a new toy or something special that it’s also from Hashem. As they thank you for the new toy, they can also verbally thank Hashem for it as well. You’d be surprised how fast kids can pick up on this.
By making a connection between what they are already receiving and the ultimate Source of it, they can begin to appreciate that Hashem has a real and active role in their life. The hope is that by recognizing, in some minor way, the continuous involvement of Hashem, they will slowly begin to feel a connection and appreciation for Hashem in a personal way.
Another benefit is that they can begin to have gratitude towards Hashem for all they receive each day. When you realize that Hashem is giving you everything you enjoy, then it’s natural to feel appreciative. Appreciation is a worthy goal on its own but it can also lead to feeling more connected to the One Who has given them everything.
Tell your children Hashem loves them. It’s true, so why not tell them this? This can also lead to children feeling love towards Hashem. Children will eventually learn that everything that feels both good and bad comes from the same Source. Why not allow them to first understand that Hashem loves them? It’s hard to understand that the same One Who heals is the one that creates sickness. It’s even harder when you don’t first realize that Hashem loves you and that everything comes from that love. Children have enough trouble accepting that a parent can deny them something, but at least they recognize that the denial comes from someone who loves them. It would be much harder to parent if children couldn’t recognize that we inherently love them. Allow them to also first feel that Hashem loves them before introducing and stressing the concept of Hashem giving challenges.
Ask and Talk to Hashem
Children are taught to daven but it’s hard enough for adults to have the proper understanding of the words and concentration when saying them. We should, of course, teach children the meaning behind the tefillos and encourage them to recognize they’re standing in front of the King of all Kings when they daven. I’m humbly suggesting that in addition to the set tefillos, children should be encouraged to talk to Hashem and ask for what they need, all in their own words. If something is bothering them and they’re stressed, then they should know
ד"סב
Are your children on your mind?
יִע ְרַז ע ַרֶזְו יִע ְרַז אֵהְיֶש
ערז רשכּ
יִע ְרַז ע ַרֶזְבוּ יִע ְרַזְבוּ יִב אֵצָמִי לַאְו ץֶמֶשָו לוּסְפ םוּשׁ םָלוֹע דַע
( ה“לשה תלפת ךותמ)
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WWW.TEHILLIMKOLLEL.ORG Hashem will hear them and feel their sadness. If they need something, they should feel comfortable asking from the One Who can truly give it. Hashem may say “no” to certain things, like that new pony, but Hashem is listening. Understanding that Hashem can listen and say “no,” just like a parent does, is also a lesson. Still, they should feel free to ask. Perhaps Hashem will “arrange” for them to ride a pony at a fair or answer their tefillos in some other way.
Children can also be taught to evaluate what is and isn’t something we daven for. When tefillos are real and being directed towards someone that listens and answers them, then they have a greater need to think through what they’re asking for first.
You can model all these behaviors for your children. You can thank Hashem verbally when you are truly appreciative of something. If you’re stressed (and you know parenting can get tense), you can ask Hashem for help. Telling
children to feel something or do something isn’t as effective as showing them how you do it. It may feel awkward at first but it is much more powerful when your children see you demonstrate it rather than simply tell them. Not only will they get a better understanding of what you mean by seeing your example but they’ll take you more seriously. Do as I say and not as I do has never been good parenting.
Don’t Stress Punishment
I don’t deny that there is a fundamental concept that Hashem gives reward and punishment based on our behavior. It’s an important point that children do need to be taught at some point. Knowing that our actions matter and have consequences is crucial and a basic lesson for life. That being said, we need to be careful how we approach this topic with children. Telling children that “Hashem will punish you for doing that” may not be the most effective way to encourage a relationship with Hashem. Imagine what goes through a child’s mind when they hear about Hashem punishing them before they even understand that Hashem loves them. Also, children don’t always connect the idea of receiving a punishment as being a result or a direct consequence to their actions. They may, chas v’shalom, think of Hashem as vengeful or angry, as acting without cause. It can be hard to undo those feelings. If you truly feel that it’s necessary to show their actions are wrong, then perhaps saying, “It makes Hashem sad” is a better way to convey that Hashem doesn’t approve without creating negative feelings.
An older child will have a greater understanding of right and wrong, but even teenagers are often very blackand-white thinkers. It can be very easy for them to lose focus and feel like Hashem is out to get them or that they need to be afraid of Hashem. Threaten-
ing a child or teen with Divine punishment may not be the best way to convey the seriousness of the matter.
These are simply some basic ideas to help encourage our children to see Hashem as an active and meaningful part of their lives and not something unconnected to them. Building a relationship with Hashem is a lifelong process but one that can start from the youngest of ages. This simple addition to their regular chinuch will hopefully enhance the Torah they learn, the mitzvos they do, and the tefillos they recite.
May we all merit to build a relationship with our Creator. Have a wonderful and meaningful Shavuos!
