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Mental Health Corner
Mental Health Corner The Art of Listening
By Rabbi Azriel Hauptman
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Conversations can be very challenging and intimidating. How do I start the conversation? What should I talk about? What if I am boring the other person? Incredibly, you are often better off talking less and listening more. When we listen, we are providing our conversation partner a chance to be heard.
Chazal already have taught us the value of being quiet, which includes the art of listening. “If a word is worth one sela (a silver coin), silence is worth two” (Megillah 18a). “What should be a person’s occupation in this world? He should render himself silent as a mute” (Chullin 89a). “A safeguarding fence around wisdom is silence” (Avos 3:16).
The incredible power of listening was demonstrated by a computer program called ELIZA. In 1966, a computer scientist in MIT named Joseph Weizenbaum, developed a computer program called ELIZA that was designed to have a conversation with a human being. At that time, personal computers were still a decade away, and computers as we know them were not even science fiction. As such, the program was very limited and was only able to reflect back on what it was told and create an illusion of understanding.
Weizenbaum created the ELIZA program to demonstrate the superficiality of communication with a machine, but he was shocked to discover that many people developed human-like feelings to the computer. His own secretary once famously asked him to leave the room so that she can have a private conversation with ELIZA.
Here is an example of a conversation between ELIZA and a person.
ELIZA: Please tell me what’s been bothering you.
PERSON: I am sad.
ELIZA: I’m sure it’s not pleasant to be sad.
PERSON: It is not.
ELIZA: That is interesting. Please continue.
PERSON: I get really sad in the winter. ELIZA: Can you elaborate on that?
PERSON: The days are short and it gets dark very early. This makes me feel sad.
ELIZA: Possibly, they are short and it gets dark very early.
PERSON: Right.
ELIZA: Does talking about this bother you?
PERSON: It makes me feel better.
ELIZA: That is interesting. Please continue.
As you can see, ELIZA is merely reflecting back what was said and asking you to say more. Even without any intelligence whatsoever, people still feel satisfied by being able to talk about what is on their mind.
We can glean a similar lesson from famous studies performed by Harvard researchers to measure how people feel when talking about themselves. In one study, they hooked up people to brain scans and asked them a variety of questions. They discovered that when people talked about themselves, the parts of the brain that are associated with reward lit up. In another study, the participants were offered various amounts of money based on whether they wanted to answer questions about themselves, others, or a neutral topic. The results consistently showed that people were willing to receive a lower monetary compensation in return for having the opportunity to talk about themselves.
People are not simply haughty narcissists, rather we all have a need to feel heard and understood. Whether it is a spouse, a friend, or just someone you met in the doctor’s waiting room, when you listen you are helping.
This is a service of Relief Resources. Relief is an organization that provides mental health referrals, education, and support to the frum community. Rabbi Yisrael Slansky is director of the Baltimore branch of Relief. He can be contacted at 410-448-8356 or at yslansky@ reliefhelp.org
