9 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
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Dear Navidaters, Hi, my daughter is 21 years old. She’s been in shidduchim for over a year now. Over the past year, we’ve contacted over fifty shadchanim (I’m literally not exaggerating), and none on those shadchanim responded or even tried to make an effort to set her up. All they did was ask for her resume and picture and afterwards there was no response whatsoever. My daughter is a very gifted and refined young lady; she’s beautiful, she’s highly educated, and her middos are simply remarkable. I don’t understand why those shadchanim are not setting her up or responding to any of her calls or texts. Am I just contacting the wrong shadchanim?
I’m really frustrated and not sure what to do at this point. I would greatly appreciate your input on this matter.
Thank you!
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Dear Concerned Mother,
The lack of responsiveness on the part of the shadchanim you have contacted says nothing about your daughter’s qualities. Shadchanim are overwhelmed by the number of people who reach out to them. Once one makes a shidduch, one is deluged, as I know from my personal experience. How much more so, the number of names and resumes that flow to veteran shadchanim. That’s also why they usually don’t even ask to meet the girl.
At the same time, if an idea comes to mind when the resume is reviewed (if it is indeed reviewed), it is acted on right away and the suggestion is put forth. Most regular shadchanim don’t go back to perusing their piles (or digital files) of resumes, I am told. That’s why the properly constructed data bases used by some community dating groups makes sense. Those groups do cross-check, update their information, and review. I know because some of them have contacted me after seeing my name as a reference on a resume.
General shadchanim are dealing with boxes for the most part; they don’t have the time to deal with people beyond general niches. And that’s hard for someone who doesn’t fit into their boxes or isn’t well connected socially. In other words, lack of familiar names, communities, and references on a resume will not motivate a shadchan to make some suggestions if s/he is overwhelmed.
So what’s a mother to do for her daughter?
Reach out to people who have met your daughter or who are willing to meet your daughter, whether they are shadchanim or not. Update your fellow congregants, broader family members, and people in your social and professional circles as to what type of boy she is looking for. Follow up immediately by sending the resume. Then send friendly Rosh Chodesh greetings and use them to remind the receiver that you welcome suggestions for dates. Make sure your community’s shidduch circles and shidduch organizations have met her and have her resume. People in your community will be familiar with people listed on the resume-neighbors, rabbis, principals, friends, fellow congregants, etc.
You can also aim to develop an agent in some communities/cities outside your geographic area who can meet your daughter by Zoom or in person when they come back east.
There are more creative ideas around these days, but you have to be sure your daughter is comfortable. Network, network, network with responsible adults and don’t feel discouraged. Daven, do your hishtadlus, and feel confident that the right one will present himself at the right time. Harbeh shluchim lamakom; Hashem has many messengers to do His work.
The Single
Tzipora Grodko
It’s extremely confusing when we feel like we can’t control an outcome and
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Your daughter sounds like a stellar young lady. I am so sorry you are dealing with this predicament. I cannot answer to these particular unresponsive shadchanim; however, I can help advise you on ways your daughter can attain a more meaningful level of attention.
From a single’s perspective, a shadchan should be looked at as a volunteer job recruiter. Anyone can find another person a job, not just official recruiters. Don’t wait around for only official shadchanim. Akin to a person searching for a job, your daughter must place herself in communities and internships she will get noticed. To transfer this idea to shidduchim, think: Is your daughter passionate about chessed? Have her volunteer for organizations. Have her get close with families in communities which she aligns. Send her on trips to different states to stay with friends so she can network.
Try not to reach out for help from your shadchanim during extremely busy “seasons” – such as Pesach, beginning of a summer, etc. Although these are times most eligible guys are home with their families, so are shadchanim. Rather than reminding shadchanim to keep you in mind at those times, send a flower bouquet, chocolate platter, or gift card with a thank you note for keeping her in mind. This accomplishes two things. It expresses appreciation for the shadchan you have already met, as well as serves a reminder to the shadchan to keep said single in mind.
Remember Hashem is the ultimate Shadchan, don’t wait by the phone. Be proactive and live your life with simcha and do your hishtadlus networking. This way, you create many funnels your shidduch may eventually come from.
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are forced to face the daunting unknown.
I don’t know why these shadchanim did not respond and feel extremely sad for you if you only received radio silence back. That is insulting, disheartening, and rude. For any shadchanim reading this column, it takes less than 10 seconds to type out an encouraging text stating, “I hope to be the shaliach for your beautiful daughter” (especially if you don’t “have time” to offer helpful feedback or referrals).
It’s important to know that regardless of what you invest, G-d has a plan as to the how and when your daughter will get married. Yes, there’s a concept of hishtadlus that’s specific to each person and many people may offer multiple “methods” of how you can simply (even though it isn’t) “get your daughter married.” However, there are no algorithms or instructions that lead to a predictable outcome. We are told, “Betach b’Hashem, chesed yisovivenu,” that when we trust in G-d, we will be surrounded by goodness. In my experience, I have found that the more my friends (and their moms) exercise emunah and bitachon, the happier they are and the more peace of mind they feel.
The facts may not make sense but that can never interfere with G-d’s plan.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Please don’t be insulted, but…
Albert Einstein is reputed to have remarked, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
Nothing screams, “BROKEN SYSTEM” like the frustration that you’re experiencing right now. Why so many folks are so dependent upon this insane, antiquated, and infuriating shadchan system is beyond my understanding.
There’s so much more we could be doing for our singles. For example, in individuals’ homes we should be inviting groups of singles for Shabbos meals; in our shuls, we should be hosting events, like the recent singles weekend at the Young Israel of Woodmere.
In any event, you are an exasperated mother in need of immediate, practical advice, so here goes:
First, try online databases such as YUConnects, Adopt a Shadchan, and SawYouAtSinai. These are great sites for Orthodox singles to network. Each of those systems cater to a slightly different religious clientele, so choose which one is the best fit.
Second, your daughter should be an active, visible presence in shul, school, professional, work-related, or gemilat chessed meetings and events. And, ask friends, relatives, teachers, Rebbetzins, gym-partners, and co-workers if they could recommend suitable dating prospects.
Third, if you do wish to utilize the existing shadchan system, you might be going about this the wrong way. Sending multiple resumes and photos is not the way to have someone get to know your daughter; at best, it’s like throwing darts while blindfolded and wondering why you’re not hitting the bullseye.
Here is a better plan: *Find out from friends which shadchanim have the reputation of being kind, successful, and accessible and who have access to the type of boys in in your daughter’s hashkafic range. *Have your daughter call or text those shadchanim and ask them if it would be possible to meet them in person. If the shadchan does not have time or lives too far away for a personal meeting, ask if a Zoom meeting or a phone call is an option. *Prepare your daughter as if she were going for a job interview. She needs to know how to articulately express what her strengths are, what is special about her, and what is important to her in the young men she would like to meet. *Have your daughter dress nicely for the meeting. She doesn’t have to be “made-up,” but she needs to look presentable, like she would for a job interview. *It is a good strategy to express hakaras hatov to the shadchan after the meeting. Follow up with a heartfelt thank you card or nicely written email, and, perhaps, a small gift certificate or Shabbos flowers/chocolates.
It is important to acknowledge that the shadchan has taken the time to get to know, and help, your daughter. These seemingly small gestures might go a long way.
Good luck!Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Thank you for your email. I can’t imagine your frustration upon facing these dead ends. It’s hard to comprehend that not one of fifty shadchanim has responded. Perhaps it is time to contact other shadchanim or explore other avenues for your daughter to meet guys. Maybe her resume can use a little pizazz. I recommend sending the resume to a dating coach for review. Have you tried contacting the shadchanim yourself?
If your daughter is open to suggestion, she can join Saw You at Sinai or YU Connects and attend singles events. I hope this situation turns around and that she finds her bashert soon!
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
