Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters,

Iam dating a guy who absolutely loves to BBQ. I know on the outside this might not sound like a problem, but I really think it might be.

I come from a family of doctors, all of whom are educated regarding health and wellness. When he eats at our house for Shabbos meals, he doesn’t eat anything. He is very polite and compliments the food, etc. but I know he really doesn’t like it. Eating deli, hot dogs, hamburgers, meats, and other unhealthy foods is really how he grew up, so I can’t blame him. I just can’t see myself being that kind of “Sunday BBQ Wife.” Not only am I very passionate about healthy eating but I also can’t stand the taste of barbecued foods. I know how silly this sounds, but do you think this is a make-it-or-break-it for us?

--Shira*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Shira, talk this out with the young man you are dating. It seems like the differences between you may be more than a healthy lifestyle. Gender roles may play a role as well. You seem to imply that there are other socio-economic differences between the two of you.

Get to know him better to determine whether you care enough about him to adapt. Every marriage requires adaptation for the sake of the spouse for whom you care. It’s not just about BBQ and food choices. Look at the relationship and look into the mirror to determine whether you can respect and adjust to someone who seems to have tastes and interests that don’t match your educated ones. grocery store who is clipping 13 coupons for a box of cereal and call him crazy. Little do you know that he grew up with parents who were Holocaust survivors and learned to scrimp and save every penny.

Anyone you marry will come from a different family, with different experiences to shape who he is. Part of your maturity for marriage will be embracing differences and creating a home where both of your cultures are appreciated and respected. To you, this might look like BBQing hubby a nice steak, while making yourself a salad. Or even better, perhaps your hubby will do some of the cooking in your house.

This does not have to be a “break it” situation at all, but you have to learn to respect people with different backgrounds and experiences than you. Only then will you be in a healthy enough place to marry someone different than you.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Ihear your dilemma. It is hard to get used to new things and understand new people. I would love to know where the guy you are dating grew up, because many people from certain places (particularly South Africa) are culturally connected to the way of cooking and eating which you describe. It’s a culture and a way of life. If he grew up with BBQ as the main cooking method in his family home and as a way his family connected, can you really blame him for enjoying it? I mean, he embraces you despite being served tofu and veggie burgers with a side of kale (just kidding). But really, keep that in mind, too. In order to understand someone, you must not just look at their decisions here and now, but take into consideration the full picture of their lives. For example, you might look at someone at the

The Single

Rivka Weinberg

People often confuse the words “compatible” and “same” in regards to shidduchim, which leads to questions like this one. Shira, you should not align exactly with the person you are going to marry, rather you should share similar values. It sounds to me like you will make some BBQed food, and some not.

Crisis averted.

Much hatzlacha.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Before “steaking” my reputation on my answer, let’s divide your problem into three separate issues.

First, can a relationship succeed between a health-food advocate and a barbecue enthusiast? How about an Ashkenazi and a Sephardi? A Chassid and a Litvak? A Republican and a Democrat? A vegan and a meat-eater?

(Please do not simply answer that “opposites attract.” For dating purposes, being male and female are sufficiently opposite.)

I looked up an online site frequented by vegans and vegetarians and discovered a forum that discussed a vegan having a successful relationship with a meat-eater.

Every marriage requires adaptation for the sake of the spouse for whom you care.

There, the consensus of advice seems equally applicable to your situation: *Don’t try to convert them. * Don’t be judgmental. * Choose your battles carefully

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and navigate your differences gently.

Second, are barbecues actually unhealthy and harmful?

The answer is probably “yes.” The smoke that is produced when fat from the cooked meat drips onto the hot coals contains carcinogens called polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAH). And, other carcinogens called heterocyclic amines (HCA) form on the charred surfaces of the meat.

Further, red meat and processed meat can raise the risk of type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke, and certain cancers.

Third, and most importantly, is there anything that you can do to minimize the health risks associated with your boyfriend’s eating habits?

Once again, the answer is “yes.” Please explore the following options: *Lean cuts of meat are healthier, and when barbecued, produced less of the PAH-producing smoke. *Marinating the meat before grilling reduces the formation of the carcinogenic HCAs by over 90%, according to the American Institute for Cancer Research. *Rather than grilling red meats, it’s healthier to grill and eat chicken, fish, fruits, and vegetables. *Pre-cooking the meat, or using smaller portions, is healthier because that reduces the heat required, and the amount of time required, to cook on the grill. *Buy meats that do not contain nitrates. *Do a good job cleaning and removing residual bits of charred food from the barbecue grate and grill, because that helps reduce secondary smoke and FCAs. *Finally, I learned something new: While barbecuing, it’s healthier

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Shira,

There is no such thing as a silly question. I believe this may speak to a broader issue about your health and concerns that you and the guy you are dating may be incompatible when it comes to nutrition and health. If you are feeling repulsion and/or do not respect him as a human being because of his inattention to his health and/or his hankering for BBQ, then this may be your intuition simply guiding you away and in the right direction. If, however, you really like this person and feel some sort of chemistry and intuition that he is “the one” and the only thing holding you back is his love of BBQ and lack of exposure to different kinds of food, then I don’t believe you will be able to easily walk away.

Something I often ask my clients when they are in similar situations to yours is the following: If you woke up tomorrow and were told you will never see him again ... would you miss him? If the answer to that simple question is no, then there really isn’t much to talk about. I am asking you the same question. If you miss this man in between dates, and look forward to seeing him, and enjoy him and respect him, then I think a good conversation about your concerns and differ-

Great relationships take great compromise.

to use a spatula rather than a fork. A fork pierces the meat and releases juices that drip and smoke, contributing to FCA production.

Good luck with this hot relationship, and thanks for sending such a meaty question.

By the way: Do you know why the man at the cookout was so happy? It’s because he met the grill of his dreams.

ences is in order. Sometimes people forget that the whole point of dating is to get to know each other through conversation and self-expression. It is not to ignore our feelings and/or work them out ourselves and by ourselves. Try bringing this concern up gently using ”I messages.” Instead of “You eat barbecue and I like healthier food, and your way of eating and food preparation concerns me,” try something along the lines of “I really enjoy eating healthy. It’s important to me to have a healthy home. (Or, insert whatever is important to you here.) I see that you love BBQ. I’d love to talk about how we see our future home operating in terms of food and health.”

There is no such thing as a perfect person. There is no such thing as someone who will fulfill our every need. Great relationships take great compromise. But they seem to only work well when there is a deep respect and admiration and acceptance for and of the other. Respect, admiration, and acceptance need to be part of the foundation in order to have two parties who are happy to compromise and do not grow to resent each other.

And yes, if you do move forward because your intuition tells you you need to be with this man, then please happily throw regular BBQs... and he in turn will hopefully happily support you in your nutritious choices.

All the best! Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.