A Jewish wedding checklist

By Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer myjewishlearning.com

If you or someone close to you is planning a Jewish wedding, you are in the midst of an exciting — and at times stressinducing — experience. Besides the many wedding details that all couples need to plan, Jewish brides and grooms have several other important factors connected to their ceremony to consider. Whether you are Jewishly knowledgeable or relatively new to Judaism, this checklist will help you plan a meaningful Jewish wedding.

1. Choosing a date

Jewish weddings are traditionally prohibited on Shabbat and most holidays — including Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Shavuot, and Sukkot — and the fast days Tisha B’Av, the 10th of Tevet, the 17th of Tammuz, the Fast of Gedaliah, and the Fast of Esther. Traditionally, Jewish weddings are not held during the counting of the Omer between Passover and Shavuot, although customs differ as to whether that entire seven-week stretch or just part of it is a problem.

Marrying during the three weeks between the 17th of Tammuz and Tisha B’Av is also prohibited in traditional Jewish practice. Because many of these dates fall during prime wedding season (spring-summer), it’s important to check a Jewish calendar before you select a date. lege Hillel or Chabad that they are close to. But for engaged couples who are not affiliated with a Jewish community in a formal way, finding a rabbi to lead their wedding ceremony can seem a daunting task.

Although Shabbat weddings are out, many couples choose to wed on Saturday after sundown, so that they can begin their ceremony with Havdalah, marking both the end of Shabbat and the end of the time that came before their public commitment to one another.

Some couples choose to wed on Tuesdays, believing it to be an especially blessed day, since in the Torah narrative of creation, the phrase “God saw that it was good” appears twice on the third day.

Parents may suggest using a rabbi from their congregation, whether or not the couple knows them.

It’s important to know that a rabbi is not the only person who can lead a Jewish wedding. A cantor can officiate too.

You may want to begin the search for your officiant by visiting local congregations and observing how different rabbis and cantors lead services.

Rabbis' and cantors' schedules fill up quickly, so if you have a particular clergy member in mind, clear the date with him or her as soon as possible.

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2. Selecting an officiant

For some couples, this is an easy one. They may be active members of a congregation or have a rabbi from their col-

Interfaith couples who encounter difficulties finding a rabbi can contact 18doors.org, which works with interfaith couples and can help them to find a rabbi.

When you meet with officiants you are considering, be sure to ask them their philosophy about leading weddings, if they are open to adapting rituals, and what kind of ketubah (marriage contract) text they prefer that couples use. Make sure that you are on the same page about major issues from the start.

3. Planning the ceremony

Even couples who grew up in a Jewish home with years of Jewish education may find themselves surprised when it comes to examining traditional Jewish wedding rituals.

For example, in a traditional ceremony, only the groom gives the bride a ring, an act which is thought to symbolize kinyan (acquisition).

Egalitarian couples find this ritual not in keeping with their values and choose to do a double-ring ceremony. Some Orthodox rabbis will allow a modified form of this. While working with a rabbi or cantor can help you learn about the wedding rituals, you will probably get more out of the experience by doing a bit of research, so you can bring ideas to your meetings with the rabbi.

4. Choosing a ketubah

Just as county governments issue marriage licenses, Jewish law has historically used a ketubah to sanction a marriage. Ketubah means writing or written and refers to the document that is signed by witnesses before and often read during a Jewish wedding. Traditionally, a ketubah served as a kind of premarital contract, outlining a bride’s ongoing rights: food, clothing, and even sex should be provided during the course of the marriage. The ketubah also specified her rights in the case of her husband’s death or their divorce.

Couples that veer away from the traditional ketubah text and its implications choose a text that expresses their hopes and commitments for their marriage. Some couples write their own text, while others search for a text that speaks to their vision.

The ketubah is not only a legal document, but also an artistic one. Ketubot (plural of ketubah) have long been — and continue to be— an expression of Jewish creativity. So couples not only can have decisions to make about the text, but also the kind of art they want for their ketubah. Some couples shop together for a lithograph; others hire an artist to create an original design.

Couples should also think about who they want to invite to sign their ketubah. Traditionally, a witness must be a religiously observant Jewish male, unre- lated to the bride or groom. Reform and Reconstructionist and some Conservative rabbis accept women as witnesses, though most still prefer that the witness be Jewish.

5. Selecting a chupah

The chupah is the canopy that covers the bride and groom during the wedding ceremony, creating a sacred space that is both open for all to see and private and intimate for the couple beneath it. It symbolizes their new home together, and is said to be open on all sides, as was the tent of Abraham and Sarah, who were always ready to receive visitors.

In planning your wedding, think about what kind of chupah would be special for you. Some are covered in flowers, others are made of fabric squares that friends and family decorate for the couple. The chupah is attached to four poles, which can be freestanding or held by four people. It is considered a great honor to hold a chupah pole, so this should be given to people very close to the bride or groom.

6. Including ritual objects

Jewish weddings call for some objects that, with a little thought, can be enhanced to create special meaning for your wedding. For example, at most Jewish weddings, kipot (skullcaps) are provided for guests. Many couples have them imprinted with their name and wedding date; others knit original kipot or paint or decorate satin or felt ones to match wedding decor.

Couples also need a Kiddush cup for under the chupah. Some couples create a new tradition, using one heirloom cup from each family. And no Jewish wedding is complete without the glass for breaking at the end of the ceremony. Today’s couples sometimes save the pieces of their broken glass to be transformed into a new piece of Judaica, such as a mezuzah or candlesticks.

7. Pre-wedding choices

One of the greatest things about Jewish weddings is that the celebration is spread out over time, giving you maximum opportunities to honor the bride and groom.

The celebration may begin with an aufruf, when bride and groom (in traditional circles, only groom) are called for an aliyah to the Torah. They receive a misheberach blessing, which invokes God’s blessing for the bride and groom, and then they are showered with candy, a symbol of the sweetness to come in their life together.

Many couples host a kiddush lunch following services. This can be an ideal time to include the entire community in your wedding joy.

You and your partner should also discuss whether you want to include various traditional pre-wedding rituals such as going to the mikvah (ritual bath), separating from one another during the week before your wedding, and fasting on your wedding day. These rituals can help the couple prepare spiritually for the seriousness of the day to come.

While a Jewish wedding is full of joy, it is also like a personal Yom Kippur for the bride and groom, who want to enter their marriage with a pure heart. Some couples choose to follow an altered version of some of these traditions, such as eating something light before the ceremony to protect against fainting.

Give yourselves ample time to talk through these steps and to use the wedding-planning process as an opportunity to learn more about Jewish traditions and the way each of you envisions your life together once you step out from under the chupah, hand in hand.