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BARS SOCIETY M A G A Z I N E
We are San Diego’s Magazine that is all about You and the Good Times. It features Beautiful People just like You, filled with Their Humor, Events, Amazing Stories and Endless Entertainment Beyond Your Imagination. BONUS FEATURES: Celebrity Model Centerfolds in every edition along with their Top Five Favorite Bars that they enjoy to hang out in. “Cheers to You and Nights You’ll Never Forget!” ~Magazine Founder, Allan Davis An attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed intoxicated but the dealers smiled when she bet twenty thousand on a single roll of the dice.
Our Phone Services are Horrible for Giving out Our Number to Telemarketers BUT Today was fun. I Got a Call Today From ADT and This is How I Answered it... Me: “Thank You for Calling ‘Helping Hand Sperm Bank.’ Will you be donating today?” Caller: (female voice) “Excuse Me?” Me: “Don’t Jerk Me Around, Lady. How are You Going to Donate Today?” Caller: “Well this is ADT.” Me: “I’m Sorry But We Can’t Accept Donors with ADD.” Caller: “No, ADT.” Me: “I Heard You the First Time, Ma’am. I’m Sorry But We Can’t Take Donors With ADD. It’s Bad for Genetic Offspring.”
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one dealer Caller: :::click::: asked the other “What did she roll?” Will the Women on the MTV The other answered “I don’t know. I Show "16 AND PREGNANT" thought you were watching.” be the Same Women on the Future MTV Show, "32 AND She said, “I hope you don’t mind, MORAL OF THE STORY... GRANDMOTHER?” but I feel much luckier when I’m Not all Irish are drunks! completely naked.” Not all blonds are dumb! I Joined a Support Group Last Year BUT all men are men! for Procrastinating, Narcissistic, With approval, she stripped from Antisocial Pessimists. the neck down, rolled the dice and MY BODY IS CLEAN We Still Haven’t Met. It Probably yelled “Come on, baby, I need a BUT MY MIND IS Sucks Anyway... BUT They’d be new car!” privileged to Have Me!
FILTHY!
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and screamed Some Women Can be So Ungrateful. “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” I Made Breakfast This Morning.... Instead of Thanking Me, She She hugged the dealers, picked up Screamed “WHO ARE YOU?!!! her winnings, grabbed her clothes HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET and ran out the door. INTO MY HOUSE?!!!” www.barssociety.com
I STOPPED FIGHTING MY INNER DEMONS! WE’RE ON THE SAME SIDE NOW! 1
minute later, the bartender brings over this shot topped with whipped cream. He asked the bartender We decided to take my buddy out for “what is this?” She told him “this is drinks on his birthday so we went to a blow job shooter. This is also on this Irish Pub downtown. It was a that guy over there.” pretty small crowd but they raised their drinks to wish him a happy Maybe not such a good idea! Five birthday. This one guy looked like shots of Jägermeister later, here an older Justin Beeber and this gave come the beer muscles!!! me an idea. I pulled the bartender aside and asked her to participate in He approaches Justin yelling “knock it off, you queer!” We all began to this prank and slipped her $10. restrain him and got him the Hell The bartender brings him a shot of out of there but Justin didn’t take Jägermeister and says “this is on too kindly to that. I stopped Justin that guy over there” as she points to from going out there and explained the Justin Beeber guy. He got a little the situation. He shoved me and uneasy but we convinced him just to called me out. accept the birthday gift and enjoy it. It’s a free shot! It was definitely time to pay the tab and leave. As I walked outside After the fifth shot of Jägermeister, a small crowd had gathered with he started to get agitated. So we told both of them restrained with Justin him we’ll go somewhere else after screaming “Tell Your Buddy What we finish these drinks. Not even a You Told Me NOW!” (Trying to hold back laughter) I hollered back at him “After The Fifth Rejection, You Should Have Taken a Hint and Not Bought Him That Blow Job Shooter, Fruit Cake!” MY BAD INTENTIONS
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reading a few text messages, we saw that he had a nice Booty Call named Desiree! So we decided to text that Booty Call asking her if she would like to meet for a drink. She replied “Absolutely, I’ll Be Right There!” She shows up looking like she was on the make! Birthday Boy hands me Justin’s phone, approaches her and says “Desiree?” She looks confused, so he quickly responded “Justin had to step out for a minute. He asked that we keep you company for now.” I show up with three beers for us and a Long Island Iced Tea for the Booty Call. “Justin is an asshole” proclaimed Birthday Boy. Trying REALLY hard not to bust out laughing, We ALL told her that he’s not a very nice guy and that we’ve had enough of his crap. She didn’t say anything in his defense.
After an hour of drinking, I decided to text her a message from Justin’s phone reading “I can’t make it. My girlfriend is pissed. Hope my friends are taking care of you.” She goes crazy but we convinced her to hang out and have a good time as I shouted to the bartender As we walked away our laughter for another Long Island Iced Tea and filled the air leaving one extremely three beers. angered Justin behind! At the end of the night... Birthday Boy At the next Bar, Birthday Boy finds left with Booty Call Girl! two phones in his jacket. During MY BAD INTENTIONS... the scuffle he picked a phone up THEY’RE GOOD FOR YOU!!! off the ground thinking it was his. One was his and the other’s was, you guessed it... JUSTIN’S!!! Which we found to be true after looking through text messages and pictures taken on the phone.
TELL YOUR BOOBS TO STOP STARRING AT MY EYES!
Brunette: “I Love Emenem!” Blond: “I Prefer Skittles.” Brunette: “I Meant to the Rapper.” After looking through pictures, we Blond: “What’s So Great About saw him with a cute girl and after the Wrapper?” WE HAVE JUSTIN’S PHONE!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!!!
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BITTER PILL!!!!!!
Arrogant Idiot: “I’m Dating Your Ex Now!”
I just recently got out of a two month Me: “Well That’s Cool. I’m Chewing Gum. You’re Welcome to Pick relationship. I didn’t think it ended bad That Up Off The Ground BUT apparently, she felt differently! When I’m Done With It!” About a week later, she sent me a text reading “we really need to talk.” I Wouldn’t Have to So I called her and she told me “I just got a check up and tested positive for Manage My Anger if Chlamydia. You really should go into People Would Learn the clinic and get yourself checked as well.” I asked her “are you sure about to Manage Their this?” She sent me a picture of the Stupidity! form. Sure enough, her name was on it and it showed positive results. So I set an appointment and went into the clinic. I started shaking when I heard how they test a guy for Chlamydia (a cotton swab inserted into the urethra). Needless to say... it was not pleasant. Though on the plus side, the results were negative. I text her just to let her know that I went through with it and that all is OK.
This drunk guy got kicked out of a bar in Gaslamp Quarter. He’s yelling at the bouncers demanding to speak to the manager. Police told him that he has to leave, he starts yelling at them and demanding that they bring out the manager.
Police Officer: “That’s It! You’re Under Arrest!” I get a return text saying “SUCKER! Drunk Guy: “For What?!” LMAO!!!” So I called her and asked Police Officer: “Being Retarded!” what that was all about. She laughed and explained that the form belonged to a friend of hers. She blotched out her friend’s name and wrote in her name! MY SAVING TIPS I got revenge and pretty damn good! She likes to ride her bike to the beach and often rides home in her bathing suit. So one Saturday morning, I went to her house in a friend’s car (so she would not see me). When she got on her bike, we followed her to the beach. She parked her bike and walked to the beach. I covered the bike seat with “Icy Hot” gel! We followed her home and were laughing hysterically when we saw her standing up as she was peddling home on her bike. She was not enjoying the bike ride home! About 15 minutes later, I sent her text asking “how was the bike ride home?” No Response Back! LMAO!!!
The 20 ounce bottle of Minute Maid soda read “4 FREE OUNCES.” (It’s usually in a 16 ounce bottle.) So I Opened It, Drank Four Ounces And Put It Back On The Shelf. The store clerk threw a fit and yelled “You Have To Pay For That.” I told him it says “4 Free Ounces! No Where Does It Say Anything About Purchase Being Necessary!” Make sure to bring a measuring cup with you. That way the clerk can’t accuse you of over pouring! www.barssociety.com
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SORRY IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY HONESTY BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS, I DON’T LIKE YOUR LIES!
WE DIDN’T HAVE GOOGLE! If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
WE DIDN’T HAVE DIGITAL TV LISTINGS! We had to use a little book called “TV Guide” to find out what was WE DIDN’T HAVE EMAIL! We had to actually write somebody on! No Channel Surfing For Us! We a letter with a pen, then walk all the had to get off our ass and walk over way across the street to put it in the to the TV to change the channel Her: “If You Were My Husband, mailbox. It would take like a week WE DIDN’T HAVE CARTOON I’d Poison Your Coffee.” to get there! NETWORK! We only got cartoons on Saturday Him: “If You Were My Wife, WE DIDN’T HAVE NAPSTER! Morning. Do you hear what I’m I’d Drink It!” If we wanted to steal music, we had saying?! We Had To Wait All Week to hitchhike to the damn record store For Cartoons! THE SPOILED 30- CROWD! and shoplift it! That or wait around all day to tape it off the radio. The WE DIDN’T HAVE MICROWAVE DJ usually talked over the beginning OVENS! (If you are 30 or older you will think and f#*%ed it all up! If we wanted to heat something up we this is hilarious!!!!) =) had to use the stove... Imagine That! WE DIDN’T HAVE FANCY CRAP Compared to my childhood, you LIKE CALL WAITING! That’s exactly what I’m talking live in a damn Utopia! I hate to say If you were on the phone and about! You kids today have got it it but “You Kids Today Don’t Know somebody else called, they got a too easy. You’re spoiled! You guys How Good You’ve Got It!” busy signal. That’s It! wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in the 80s! WE DIDN’T HAVE CALLER ID Regards, EITHER! When the phone rang, you had no The over 30 Crowd idea who it was! It could be your school, mom, boss, a collection Going to McDonald’s for a agent, telemarketer, or just some Salad is Like Paying a annoying jerk... you just didn’t Prostitute for a Hug. know!!! You Had To Pick Up The Phone And Take Your Chances! Two married women went out for a girl’s night out. Walking home WE DIDN’T HAVE XBOX, PLAY from the bar, both had to pee. So STATION, Wii VIDEO GAMES they entered a cemetery but had WITH HIGH RESOLUTION 3-D nothing to wipe with. One used her GRAPHICS! H A P P Y H O U R panties and tossed them. The other We had the Atari 2600 with games grabbed a wreath off a grave. like “Space Invaders,” “Asteroids,” Be sure to visit “Pac-Man,” etc. Your guy was a Next morning one husband called www.BARSSOCIETY.com just little square! You actually had the other and said “no more girl’s to see where the best to use your imagination! There night’s out! My wife came home were no multiple levels or screens, with no panties.” The other one said Happy Hours in it was just one screen Forever! “Think that’s bad? Mine came home San Diego are happening. with a card in her crack reading Site is updated daily! YOU COULD NEVER WIN! The ‘From All of Us at the Fire Station... game just kept getting harder and We’ll Never Forget You!’”
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harder, faster and faster until you died! Just Like Life!!
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THEY SAY THAT ALCOHOL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR A LOT DEATHS BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT IT IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR A LOT OF BIRTHS! I went to a game store today and asked the lady at customer service for “Grand Theft Auto Five.” She had no clue what I was talking about. So I told her that “it’s a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes and attacks people with his golf club.” She came back a few minutes later with “Tiger Woods PGA 2014.”
MY FAILING DIET Here it is ten months into the year and I’ve done absolutely nothing to keep my New Year’s resolution. I told myself I’d drink less and eat more healthy. I think I’ve done just the opposite. All this celebrating for no real reason! Well some friends called and talked me into throwing a barbecue at my place for the weekend. So I went out to buy the supplies at a local grocery store. I’m walking out of the store with a couple steaks and a case of beer. This homeless guy approaches me and says “I haven’t eaten anything in three days.” I looked at him, nodded my head and said “I Wish I Had Your Will Power, Buddy!”
ANGELA’S CHOICE These are five bars she has visited, enjoyed and would recommend for women to attend alone or with girlfriends. Mostly due to comfort level, drinks, atmosphere, etc. THE AERO CLUB BAR 3365 India Street
A whiskey menu with over 300 brands to choose from... I didn’t think such a thing existed! Needless to say, “their beer and liquor selection is huge!” It’s a fun atmosphere and very casual. Kind of divey but clean and respectful. That gives it character!
McGREGOR’S GRILL & ALE HOUSE 10475 San Diego Mission Road
Friendly vibe and very spacious. Perfect place to gather some friends to enjoy drinks, appetizers, pool, shuffleboard, darts or catch the home game. Lots of energy and great drink selection.
710 BEACH CLUB 710 Garnet Avenue
Less than a block from the beach, great drink selection, cool crowd, fun environment... Need I Say Anymore?!
THE SUNSHINE SALOON 5028 Newport Avenue
Laid back atmosphere and great drink selection. I especially enjoy hanging out on the top deck on a good beach weather night.
THE LOCAL EATERY & DRINKING HOLE 1065 4th Avenue
Amazing local craft beer and very comfortable atmosphere. Awesome bar staff! They make you feel right at home.
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A GOOD FRIEND KNOWS YOU PREFER COKE OVER PEPSI BUT A GREAT FRIEND ADDS JACK DANIELS TO YOUR DRINK!!!
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So I drive to the area were we planned to meet and I see this guy dressed in bed sheets. I was shocked to see that this guy is Mike. WOW... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!
So I pick him up and asked “what happened to you?” He said “if you stop at a store and buy me a water, What do you think when you I’ll tell you the full story.” So here is get a call at 3:00 AM from a pay Mike to tell us the story.... phone by the Tijuana border? That’s what my phone read. My Me and a few friends decided to go decision to answer it was mostly to Tijuana to party. At one bar this out of curiosity. I didn’t realize really pretty women was flirting with these things are even still around. me. After a few hours of beer, tequila and lots of flirting, she asked if I’d So I answer my phone and I hear like to get a room. Of course I said “hey, this is Mike. I’m in a really “YES!” bad situation. Please come pick me up.” I asked “Are You In Jail?” So I’m in the room laying on the “No” he said, “but I’m in a real bad bed while she’s in the bathroom. situation. I will explain on the way Two guys kicked the door open and home. JUST GET HERE FAST! robbed me at gun point. They took everything including my boxers. PLEASE!!!”
SO I HAVE NO PHONE, NO ID, NO MONEY AND NO CLOTHES! If you think things couldn’t get worse... check out time is in 30 minutes!
on the American side because I was in no position to climb a fence.
First off... I need clothes! The bed sheet will have to do! Next I have to get through the lobby without any employees seeing me.
AWAKENING MOMENT: In Jail, You Are Allowed To Make One Phone Call. In These Cellular Days, Do You Have Any Reliable Phone Numbers Memorized?
Eventually I made my way to a parking lot with a pay phone and I was thankfully able to bum Needless to say, this whole event some change to make the call. just sobered me up. Which is good, First to called 411 and then you. because I Have To Come Up With A THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHEET! Plan Very Fast And Stay Alert.
So I just ran through the hotel lobby with no shoes and wrapped in a bed sheet. I had to hold the knotted areas so they wouldn’t come undone as I ran. Once I got out into the streets, I looked for the closest alley to figure out my next move.
Pro... I won’t get robbed again. She spots a police car and throws Con.. Going to jail in a bed sheet?! the bottle as hard as she can putting a huge dent in the side on the car. NOW I’M SHAKING!!! The police get out of the car, get her The border is about two miles on the ground and cuff her. away. I have to walk there and somehow keep out of the public as Drunk Chick: “What did I do?!!! much as possible. What did I do?!!!” Scariest two mile walk I’ve ever done in my life but I made it! Now how do I cross the border? There’s only ONE way! At the entrance to the border... run through it as fast as you can! I’ll be facing oncoming traffic but I have to do this! So I knotted up the sheet the best I could so I’ll at least stay covered at the bottom area and ran into oncoming traffic as fast as I could! When the check point came up, I didn’t even look to the side to see if anybody saw me. That was the fastest I ever ran in my life! Then comes a long run on the freeway towards oncoming traffic
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At Mardi Gras in Gaslamp Quarter this chick was drunk out of her mind. She’s got a bottle in her hand and yelling at everybody in her path.
Police Officer: “You threw a bottle and put that dent in our car!!!” Drunk Chick: “I Didn’t Do That! You Think I’m Stupid?!!!” Police Officer: “No Ma’am. We KNOW You’re Stupid! Why Do People Point To Their Wrist When Asking You for the Time? I Never Pointed To My Crotch While Asking Someone Where The Bathroom Is. www.barssociety.com
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After a long night of bar hopping, I was in no shape for driving but I had a designated driver. A friend of ours was having a party so we stopped by there for a few hours.
If We Meet and You Don’t Look Like Your Pictures, You’re Buying Drinks Until You Do!
That’s The Rules!!! We got back to my place around 4:00 AM and my buddy/designated My neighbor is a medical marijuana driver crashed at my place. card holder so he is legally entitled I woke up around 10:00 AM and to own three plants. He keeps them couldn’t find my phone. So I walked in a green house in his backyard. out to my car to see if it was in there. MY PHONE WAS IN THERE Some kids broke into the green house and stole the three plants and AND A WHOLE LOT MORE!!! a marijuana pipe. He had cameras, so he called the police to come look In the back seat there was... at the video and see what they can A Set of Ginsu Knives, do. The police recognized the kids. A Small Bag of Foreign Coins, A Religious Stain Glass Decoration, In a Few Hours, The Police Showed A Brass Elephant and A Pack of Romain Noodles tore Up at His Door and Returned His Plants and Pipe to Him! open and scatted all over the seat. I’m looking back on all of last Who Ever Thought a Day Would night’s events trying to figure out Come Where You Call the Police to how these things got in my car. Get Your Stolen Weed Back?!!! Then I’m thinking “Am I a dick? Did I take these things out of my Some Women Act Like friend’s house?!” These are not exactly the types of things I would want for myself but I called my friend and asked if they belong to him. He had no idea what I was talking about. His guests were still there and they didn’t know either. I brought these things into my place and asked my buddy if he recalls seeing these in the back seat on our way home last night. He Never Saw Them And Knew NOTHING About Them!
Only Men Cheat.
Yet They Have a Phone Full of Friend Zone Guys Hoping to be the Number One Draft Pick! A local bar had a feature drink for the evening called “Slow Gin Fizz.” I decided to give it a try and it was pretty good. They were also very reasonably priced, so me and my crowd continued drinking them through out the evening.
To this day I STILL have NO clue who these things belong to or how they got in my car! I still have these When the bar closed, we all decided things with me if any Bars Society to keep the party gong at a friend’s reader can claim them! =) place. So on the way there we 10
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stopped at a liquor store to get some Sprite and Slow Gin. I woke up on the living room sofa around 5:00 am. I really had to piss badly. The bathroom was occupied but there was a half empty two liter bottle of Sprite on the floor. I pissed in the bottle, put the cap back on and planned to throw it out after a few more hours of sleep.
BAD AUTOCORRECT After a great meeting with a potential client, I decided to follow up with a text message. I read through it several times and everything seemed to be great! Spelling, grammar, wording... all of it was great! So I sent it.
Around 9:00 AM overnight guests started waking up as I’m still laid Then I got a reply that wasn’t good. Stupid autocorrect... I can’t believe out on the sofa. I missed this!
One guy picks up the bottle and I closed out the text message with takes the cap off. I said “I Pissed “Best Regards.” Instead it read In That.” I guess he didn’t hear me. “Best Retards.” My eyes budged out of my skull as he took a big swig! He looks at the bottle and says “This Tastes Weird.” I HEAR VOICES AND
THEY HAVE SOME
I busted out laughing. He looks at GREAT IDEAS! me and asks “What?!!!” I put my had over my mouth and ran to the bathroom. I was in there laughing I am a party girl that likes to cut hysterically for about 10 minutes. loose and have fun but I’m also very I’m sure he though I’m some kind professional and conservative when of lunatic but I figured he’d rather it comes to my job and career. not know what just happed! After havening a stressful week, me and my girlfriends decided to go to this beach bar to dance and I Heard Something About drink. We all were in that “Anything Cleaning Your House Goes” mind set. With Vodka. So I Gave it a Try And It Works! The More Vodka I Drank, The Cleaner The House Looked! Q: What Does Frozen Beer, Burnt Pizza and Pregnant Women All Have in Common? A: All Revolve Around a Guy Who Pulled Out Too Late!
We’re doing Jägermeister shots and having an absolute blast. The bartender asked us to dance on the bar. Hell Yeah!!! We’re all dancing away on the bar and having a blast.
Next that bartender called for body shots. I’m up for that! I laid down on the bar and he poured Jägermeister on my navel while my girlfriend licked it off. This was all fun and great until I turned my head and saw my boss at the bar with his wife! AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! www.barssociety.com
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MY ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES PISS ME OFF!!!
The bartender is in shock but thought to himself “he can’t be that stupid to try this again.” So he gave the drunk benefit of a doubt and got burned again!
While you two were arguing about the glass of vodka being half empty or half full, I drank it!
The bartender picks the guy up, Sincerely, beats the snot out of him, then Opportunist throws him out onto the sidewalk.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “serve everyone in The next day that same drunk walks the house a shot, including yourself into the bar and says to the Bartender, and put it on my tab.” “serve everyone in the house a shot and give me the tab.” So, the bartender does just that and hands the drunk the bill for $80. The In disgust, the bartender asks, drunk says “I Don’t Have It!” “What, No Shot For Me Tonight?!”
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Dear Pessimist and Optimist,
Sure I Have Rock Hard Abs!! I Just Keep Them Hidden Under a Layer of Fluff So People Won’t Love Me Just For My Body!
The bartender punches him and throws him out on the sidewalk.
The drunk replies “No. You Get Too Nobody Cleans a House Faster Than a Guy Expecting to Get Laid! Violent When You Drink!!!”
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and asks the bartender to serve everyone in the house a shot, pour himself one, and put it on his tab.
There is No Better Private Detective Than a Woman In Love!
Common Sense is Like Deodorant... Those Who Don’t Use It Need It Most!
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In The End... Everybody’s Clever!
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BARS SOCIETY MAGAZINE & SOCIAL MEDIA Thank you for your support and getting this started! It’s going to be fun and that’s for sure! We look forward to starting a great 2015 with you and making many memorable nights! If you have any funny or interesting bar stories that you’d like to share with our readers, email them to BARSSOCIETY@YAHOO.COM. Let us know if you’d like your name mentioned or to remain anonymous. Like Us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/BarsSocietySD Follow Us on Twitter: @BarsSociety Visit us at www.barssociety.com 113 West G Street, San Diego, California 92101 - Studio 742
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