Funny You Should Ask: The Devil is in the What?

by Jay Webster

The devil is in the details.

That may be true, but I think he may well be easier to find in technology that doesn’t work, political social media posts from friends, and coffee lids that slide open into makeshift sippy cups you’re never quite sure are opened or closed.

I certainly get the intent of that phrase “The devil is in the details” … that big ideas are easy, it’s executing them (the “how”) where things get tricky. But if I were in charge of phrases - and trust me I’ve been asked, but the hours are too infrequent - I would rewrite the phrase as The devil is in the miscommunication or rather, the lack of communication. See, it sorta just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? I come from a long line of under-communicators; people who often struggle to say, “I love you” or tell you how they feel or But if I were in charge of phrases — and trust me, I’ve been asked, but the hours are too infrequent — I would rewrite the phrase as The devil is in the miscommunication or rather the lack of communication. See, it sorta just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? what they are thinking. Undercommunicating isn’t so much a lack of words, it’s more a matter of not saying the things that are relevant to expressing our feel-

ings or giving context to the feelings of others. It leaves the “others” in our lives to fill in the gaps we’ve left; and that, my friends — those shadows and voids — is where the devil lives. Because by human nature when someone doesn’t fill in the gap for us … and we’re left to fill it in with our own imagination … not so surprisingly, we usually go to the worst-case scenario.

It works like this: You see a friend. “Let’s get together for coffee,” you say gleefully. They love that idea. Then 24 hours later they text you about meeting up for coffee on a certain time, date, and place. But you’re not sure how your schedule is going to work (meetings, doctors appointments, mole checks — all important stuff). You don’t know if you can get coffee yet so you simply say: nothing. Now your friend is left to hang by a digital string. They start to fill in the gaps you left: Maybe you didn’t really mean it when you said, “Let’s get together for coffee.” Maybe you were just being nice, so you could move on. Maybe nobody really likes you or wants to share a caffeinated beverage with you because they know what you’re like when you’ve been “drinking” and you turn into a wild, caffeinated chatter-box with bad coffee breath. Maybe you should just go home and be alone and eat worms.

I’m the world’s worst at this with my wife. On any given day, I may notice how beautiful she looks or how she went out of her way for me or how she shared a kindness with someone else. I may even think to myself, “Wow, you’re a lucky man to have someone like that by your side.” …these little encouragements we can offer are food to And acknowledging gratitude the soul. Sometimes telling someone the good or talent within is an important thing, but or virtue you see in them can redirect a person’s very what good does it do her? Have path. In that light shouldn’t we refrain from withholding any of those unspoken thoughts the good someone desperately needs when we have it fed her soul? Not so much. within ourselves to give? A lot of times, I think we avoid words because they make us vulnerable, or worse — they might embroil us into more words … like maybe even a conversation. I get it. I can reach my word limit for the day by 10:30 a.m. on most days. If you weren’t there to hear them, well, that’s on you. But maybe it works like a muscle. Maybe if I try like Frankenstein to expand my vocal reach, after a while I’ll get stronger. I’m trying that in my own life by asking questions and not leaving so many things unspoken. As I said, I come from a long line of under-communicators. I find to combat that, I have to ask “So what do you mean by that?” Or “Well, what did the doctor actually say.” Or “Okay, how many actual years will you have to serve?”

Now obviously, that last paragraph could have been avoided with … say it with me … communication. “Hey friend, I’d love to get coffee. I’ve got to check on some scheduling. I’ll get back with you. P.S. Just as an encouragement: I heard what Peggy said about you, but I don’t find you annoying on caffeine at all.” See how easy that was and how it gave no room for the “devil”?

My wife, Ann-Janette, and I have been talking about how often we all see the good in people, even to the point of saying something about it to our friends or spouses … and yet we never actually say it to the person themselves. I don’t know if it’s because we believe somehow they already know, or maybe we fear seeming stalker-ish, or if it would just require too much from us to interact with them. The challenge is, these little encouragements we can offer are food to the soul. Sometimes telling someone the good or talent or virtue you see in them can redirect a person’s very path. In that light, shouldn’t we refrain from withholding the good someone desperately needs when we have it within ourselves to give?

Next time you’re with a kid, tell them what good you see in them and watch them light up. It changes the way they see themselves. “I love the way you always include the other kids … Wow, you have such a good eye … You’re very observant … I love how you pour generously when you get daddy his scotch.” They don’t have to be big things, and it doesn’t just work for kids.

Think what it would be like this holiday season if we made it our mission to see the good in people and then actually tell them. “I’ve always appreciated what a great Dad you are to your kids.” “I love how loyal you are.” “You’re such a great spouse the way you take care of my sister.” “I so appreciate the way you’re unfazed by current fashions and social norms … and matching colors.”

When you engage others, it will be awkward — a lot. But you won’t die. And the more we open up to others, the more we connect, the deeper we get, and believe it or not — scientifically, medically, spiritually (and all the other ‘allys) the more content and happier we become. So as they say, if you can’t do it for others, do it for yourself.

I can’t count the number of arguments I’ve faced in my life that at their root came down to under-communication (or lazy communication). My wife and I almost lost a full Sunday afternoon because we decided to go on a fall foliage drive and (without saying anything to the other) both of us had completely different expectations about that event. All it took was cooling down long enough to see where our paths separated — and then with a little humility and a couple apologies, the afternoon was rescued.

So, if I haven’t told you lately — I really appreciate you. Thanks for taking time to read all this month-in and monthout. Your adoration of me makes me feel closer to you. Thanks.

Happiest of Holiday wishes. Take the time to fill others up with the good you see in them. As my fatherin-law preaches: See it and say it.

Cheers, my friends.