3 minute read
Making a Difference: Good Parenting
Children Need to Know They are Loved, Accepted & Supported
by Angela Henderson
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The absolute best and HARDEST thing I’ve ever done is to be a parent. When my friends at bmonthly asked me to write an article about parenting, I thought, “Am I qualified to give advice on this topic?” I suppose any advice I might give has been hard-won through a series of cringe-worthy parenting moments.
I am absolutely certain that good parenting occurs when our children know, without a doubt, that they are loved, accepted, and supported. My mother had a plaque hanging on her wall that read, “People need love the most when they are being unlovable.” Children act out not because they are trying to irritate us, but because there is something they need. In fact, all human behavior — even our own — can be tied back to essential human needs. You can’t discipline a child or teach them anything until they know they’re unequivocally loved. I’ve heard it said that the word “love” is spelled T-I-M-E to a child, and I think this is true. One of the best things you can do is spend time with your kids. Grant your children’s wishes. Take an hour or two each week to do exactly what your child desires to do without interruptions or distractions — even if he wants to read the same book for the 100th time. Snuggle up with your child and read the book as if it’s the first time you’ve ever read it. Let your child know that there’s no place you’d rather be than right here, in this moment.
Start and end each day with “I love you.” I don’t believe children hear this essential phrase nearly enough. Children need to know that they are accepted just the way they are, that they are loved just because.
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made as a parent is rushing to punish my children for mistakes they’ve made. I reacted thoughtlessly to their behavior when I wasn’t at my best — after a tough day at work, after experiencing frustrations and setbacks, or when I was just tired and out of sorts. My harsh words and actions only made the situation worse. I would have been better off to have waited until later when I was able to respond appropriately. Those are moments where parental guilt and shame get the best of me. I’ve also learned that these are ready-made teachable moments, when I can approach my child and let them know that I made a mistake and seek their forgiveness. When I do this, my children learn that even mom can goof up and that it’s okay to admit you’re wrong. Every child has a cup that needs to be filled — and refilled — with love, attention, affection, and respect. Once a week, ignore one of your child’s small transgressions — bad table manners, forgetting to clean up right away, leaving their shoes right by the door where they kicked them off. Remind yourself that you’re not perfect, either. Living in relationships with other human beings can get messy … but it’s the only way to really live!
As I work with parents who’ve gotten things wrong and need help to put their families back together again, I am humbled when I remember that I’ve also messed up and often need help. Parenting isn’t easy, but it’s still one of the best jobs on the planet!
If you’d like to know more about CASA of Northeast Oklahoma, call (918) 923-7276 or email emily@casaneok.org. We have a training class beginning Saturday, March 28, 2020 at East Cross United Methodist Church and we’d love for you to join us! Angela Remke Henderson is a 1987 graduate of Bartlesville High School. She has been the Executive Director of CASA of Northeast Oklahoma for 15 years. CASA of Northeast Oklahoma is headquartered in Claremore, Oklahoma and will be opening an office in Bartlesville soon. Volunteer with CASA
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