max ebb

Sometimes it seems as if I actually spend more time in chandleries dur¬ ing the winter months than during the sum¬ mer. What else is there to do on a rainy Sat¬ urday afternoon in December? Not that there’s going to be enough wind to lift the half-ounce when the weather does finally clear . . . But after all, remember that one of the reasons for buying a boat in the first place was to have a good excuse to spend large quantities of money in a yacht chandlery. 1 was enjoying just such a rainy Saturday afternoon in my local chandlery recently, when I overhead a conversation that re¬ minded me that there are other excuses to spend money in a chandlery, especially this time of year. 1 was examining the end of a spool of kevlar rope, pondering whether to buy eighth-inch or three-sixteenths for my new light air spinnaker sheets, when a woman’s voice coming from the other side of a bank of display shelves distracted me.

“No, no, no! Don’t buy that!” admonished

Safety equipment is always a good gift.

the stern female voice.

I looked back, and was relieved to see that the voice was not directed at me, but at an other unseen shopper.

“But it seems like such a cute idea,” an¬ swered a younger sounding woman. “I think he’d just love these little swiveling beer can holders. Or maybe these salt and pepper shakers shaped like little red and black chan¬ nel buoys.”

“Look, honey,” advised the older woman in a slightly condescending tone, “he really doesn’t want anything ‘cute’ for his boat. Trust me — we’ve been receiving gifts for our various boats for over 25 years ...”

“What about this serving tray and plate set with matching tumblers? Look — each one has instruction for tying a different kind of knot, and the plates have sockets to hold the V I I er young friend was just the opposite.

Judging by the make-up, fingernails, and — would you believe — high-heeled shoes, she was more than a little out of her element. I sifted through a bin full of wing nuts . . .

“Here’s something every sailboat owner appreciates,” said the older woman as she

A good sailing gift has to be high qu

glasses upright!”

It must have been her very first time in the store.

“We have a closet full of junk like that,” sighed the older woman. “Remember that space on a boat is very limited. Anything you buy will have to compete with a lot of other expensive, carefully selected items for a place onboard. So a good sailing gift has to be practical, high quality, and no more than just a little bit superfluous. In other words, something'he really wants and will use, but something that he considered just a little too low a priority, or possibly just a little too overpriced, to have bought it for himself.”

“You’re right,” admitted the younger voice. “These little things aren’t really expen¬ sive enough to be anything but stocking stuffers.”

I thought of my own garage full of well in¬ tended junk. If only my stockings had been stuffed with things like rolls of duct tape or cans of WD-40 over the years.

“This is our first Christmas since we’ve been married,” she continued, “and I really want to get him something for the boat that he’ll appreciate. You have to help.”

“Let’s go over to hardware,” suggested her friend.

This was going to be too good to miss. I dropped the kevlar sheets and set a course for the nuts and bolts department, across the aisle from hardware. On the way we crossed tacks, and I got a glimpse of the pair. The older woman was a sweet-looking older lady, but I had heard enough to conjecture that she was a rather forceful personality, and probably an active and experienced sailor. held up a winch handle. “Especially if you lost one overboard last season!”

“Uh — that was on the only race I sailed on. How did you find out about it?”

“Just a good guess, dear.”

I moved over to the hiking sticks for a bet¬ ter vantage point.

“Now look at this one — it has ball bear¬ ings in the grip! Or how about one of these big doubles? And here’s a real luxury item — it ratchets in either direction, depending on how this little lever is set . . .”

I could hear them ratcheting the handle in the winche^ while I studied an ingenious little fitting — a plastic socket that gets installed on the inboard face of the cockpit coaming, ap¬ parently designed to hold the end of a hiking stick for instant tiller locking.

“My God! I never realized these handles were so expensive!” said the young shopper.

“You see what I mean? He probably wouldn’t buy one ofthose ratcheting handles for himself. But I guarantee he’d love to have one!”

“I’d be afraid to use a handle that expen¬ sive, though. Imagine if I lost this one over¬ board! Do you have any more ideas?”

“How about a winch-chair!” suggested the older woman. “Everybody loves them, but few people buy them for themselves. It’s one of those low priority, superfluous items.”

“Hmmm . . . That has some possibilities.”

“You should see my grandson on the one we have. We practically have to pry him out of it. And look — this year they have two economy models!”

T1 he younger woman sat down in a winch-chair that was mounted in a display winch, which in turn was securely bolted to a heavy, low table.

“I like the idea of giving him something for cruising instead of racing,” she said as she rotated slowly, clicking the winch pawls.

“Oh, speaking of cruising . . . Two essen¬ tials that are worth their weight in gold: a windscoop and a sunshower.”

“What are they?”

I moved down to the block section, and spun the sheave in a large ball-bearing block hanging on the display board in front of me.

The grandmother patiently explained the functioning of the two devices in question. There are no windscoops in sight, but a sun shower was on display over in the next aisle. 1 followed them as far as the books and mag¬ azine section, and pretended to show inter¬ est in next year’s almanac.

“ . . . and all you do is hoist it up with a halyard, and when the sun heats it up you have a hot shower on deck!”

“On deck . . . That sounds like fun!”

“And a littld sexy, too.”

“Good. That settles one item. I wonder • what else I could get that has something to do with showers ...”

Then a third voice, this one male, entered the conversation: “The best present I ever got was a shower curtain,” he said. I looked up from my book and the two women turned towards him.

UR, ksally?” asked the older woman.

“Well,” he explained, “this was no ordin¬ ary shower curtain. This one was a tri-radial

SOME HOLIDAY GIFT SUGGESTIONS THAT WON’T MAKE IT

Gimballed drink holders. Salt and pepper shakers that look like buoys. Ash trays that look like buoys. Plaques with ‘funny’ announcements on them, like “Marriages performed by the captain of this vessel are good for the duration of this voyage only." Cocktail flags. Folding deck chairs. Any article of clothing containing down.

': V - 0:

Logbooks and/or guest registers. Anything with a picture of a sailboat on it*’. Anything not relating to sailing.

1 Unless you know precisely what they want *‘ Class insignias and accurate profile drawings of the boat are okay

“Almost as much as a new sail,” he grinned.

“Well, what do you think?” she said to her younger friend. “The sailmakers aren’t very busy this time of year, so you could probably have one ready in time.”

“No, 1 don’t think so. That’s just going a little too far. Besides, we just finished redec¬ orating the bathroom. Thanks for the idea, though.”

“What do you expect to receive this year?” the older woman asked. “That shower cur¬ tain will be hard to top!”

“I’ve been trying to make it easy for her,

and no more than just a little bit superfluous.

3/4 oz. shower curtain, made by my sailmaker. It had the same color scheme as my spinnaker, and . . .”

“Let me guess,” she interrupted. “Your sail numbers across the middle? And a blue tape up one side and a red tape up the other?”

The man nodded with pride. “It even has an umbilical patch!”

“That’s a fantastic idea.”

“Yes, I thought so too. My girlfriend just called the sailmaker, who had the color scheme on file, and gave him carte blanche.”

“Must have cost an arm and a leg, with all that detail work.” by leaving magazines open to certain pages, sometimes with an ad circled. She hasn’t said anything about them, so I think the hints have been taken.”

“What items are you after?”

“Well, first there’s a very expensive count¬ down timer that has a voice synthesizer. Then in the medium price range, there’s a plastic seat that fits on a sailboard to convert it into what amounts to a kayak. We usually bring a sailboard cruising, and this would make it perfect for quick trips in to the beach, or over to other anchored boats. It should also be fun to just paddle it around the harbof on those completely windless days.”

“My nephew might be interested in one of those,” noted the older woman.

“And in the low price range,” he con¬ tinued, “is a computer program that simu¬ lates a yacht race. I have no idea how good it is, but I’m sure I’d have fun finding out.”

“Where did you see these ads?”

“They’re in most of the sailing magazines.”

“Let’s go find them!”

T,he grandmother and her friend practi, cally ran over to the magazine rack from where I was eavesdropping. In a clumsy ef¬ fort to be discreet I put down the almanac and swung around over to the electronics and instrument display.

“Let’s see . . . this one should have what we’re looking for.” I heard pages rustling.

“There it is. By the way, does your hus'band get this magazine?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“Then you could order a subscription for him. Buy this issue and wrap it up to put under the tree.”

They flipped through the magazine for an¬ other minute or so.

“I like some of these pictures,” said the younger woman.

“That reminds me, dear. Pictures of the boat — if they’re good — make excellent gifts. If a photographer has ever sent you proofs in the mail, now’s the time to dig them up and order some big enlargements.”

H IH 1 ll 1 pHHK IH

“Those custom enlargements can get pret¬ ty expensive.”

“Yes, but for really professional work it’s well worth it. The economy r-oute, which is what 1 do every year, is to go through your own sailing slides. 1 pull out the decent shots of our friend’s boats, have prints made (usu¬ ally 5x7’s), put them in nice frames and they make wonderful little gifts.”

“Didn’t you take a few of our boat that weekend we rafted up?”

“Shhh! . . You’re not supposed to re¬ member that!”

“I see. Let’s look at some safety related things.”

“Okay. Safety equipment’s always good. But first take a few of these.”

“What are they?”

“Chart catalogues, issued by the govern¬ ment. They’re free.”

“But what do I need so many for?”

“Nautical gift wrapping paper! Look, honey, they’re just the right size. Old charts are good, too, if you have any lying around. And if you really want to make it fancy, you can decorate it with tell-tales instead of rib¬ bons!”

I was mindlessly spinning the paddlewheel on the knotmeter display, watching the needle move in response, when they walked by on the way to the safety equipment sec¬ tion.

“I gave my nephew a good personal strobe light last year,” said the grandmother, “although for a teenager, safety gear isn’t al¬ ways what gets them excited. You know, it’s like giving a child something to weahinstead of a toy.”

“M 1v 1 y husband could use a good safety harness.”

“That’s something I’d let him pick out him¬ self, if I were you. But here are some good little things: chemical light sticks, whistles, extra parachute flares (nobody ever carries enough). And these little flashlights with the sliding red filter are great! Except they’re not completely waterproof, though, so they only ‘last a year or two. That’s why you know that a new one will always be appreciated!”

“What about a log book? That’s something we should probably have.”

“No, we find the log tables never have the right lay-out for us.”

She must have picked up one of the logs and opened it to a sample page.

“See? It says ‘Engine Hours’ at the top of one of these columns. That’s also something he has to select himself.”

“Let’s take a look at clothes, then.”

“Okay. Anything with polypropelene, or

It’s best to let him pick out his own safety harness.

polyester pile, or bunting will go over well. Stay away from down!”

“Some of these jackets are nice,” said the younger woman.

“1 recommend the polypro long johns,” said the older shopper.

“But you know,” remarked the younger one, "I have trouble buying him clothes sometimes. For his birthday I gave him a beautiful sweather with a sailboat on the front, and he’s hardly worn it at all.”

“That’s not really surprising. A good rule of thumb for buying gifts for a sailor — and this is true for all kinds of items — is to avoid anything with a picture of a sailboat on it.”

“Come to think of it,” said the younger woman, “he never wears that tie I gave him with the embroidered sailboat design on it, either.”

13 y this time I was getting bored with the electronics, so I cruised over to the anchor department opposite the clothes racks to see what was new.

“But it’s strange,” she continued. “The crew gave him this real tacky windbreaker last year. It was red on one side, and green on the other, and had ‘Port’ and ‘Starboard’ written in big letters on the sleeves. He wore it everywhere!”

“It must have had some special signifi¬ cance,” suggested the older sailor. “Was the boat in any serious collisions that year?”

“Why, yes . . . How did you know about that?”

“Just another good guess, honey.”

“Well, this year I’m going to make certain that none of my presents fall flat. Let’s check out the other corner of the store to make cer¬ tain we haven’t missed any good ideas.”

I imagined they would head back towards hardware, so I put the little model anchor back in the sandbox and rounded the corner by the seaboots to follow them. Instead, they turned invmy direction, headed towards inflatables and outboards. I collided head-on with the grandmother.

“Excuse me!” I said. “I expected ... I mean I didn’t . . .”

“Quite alright,” she said after she had re¬ gained her balance. “We’re all in such a hurry this time of year, aren’t we?”

“No, I just wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“You look like a typical boatowner,” said the younger woman. “Would you mind tell¬ ing me what you’d like for Christmas?”

I was caught unprepared. My eyes scanned the store. I saw the high-tech an¬ chor I always wanted, but couldn’t justify be¬ cause I already had an anchor of about the same weight. I saw the oversize fenders that would be great to have for the annual raftup, but unnecessary and redundant for the rest of the year. I saw the waterproof, rubber armored binocuiars with the built-in compass and rangefinder. Would anybody give me these things for Christmas? Not likely. I’ll just get more junk to clutter up the garage.

“A gift certificate,” I answered. — max ebb

f > _

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