Welcome to California - The Land of Fruits and Nuts by Charles Roman

Welcome to California: The Land of Fruits And Nuts! (And Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not talking about food!)

By: Charles Roman

Message from the Author: The purpose of these short stories of humor is solely for entertainment and the author is not responsible for any remarks that resemble any person real or otherwise. Please email me at CRoman_57@hotmail.com with your feedback. I hope you enjoy them!

To my father Julio Roman and my brother Dennis Roman; both of whom loved to laugh and look at the funny side of life.

A hearty thank you to my wife Barbara, without whom I would never have known that God had a sense of humor!

Introduction Ah California, the very word brings fond memories: like San Diego and its famous Zoo; sports teams like the popular Los Angeles Dodgers and Lakers; tourist attractions such as Hollywood and Rodeo Drive. And who could skip the beautiful and envious pacific shoreline or not want to visit Hearst‟s Castle, or the ever peaceful Big Sur. Anyone who skis has to go Mammoth Sky Resort or to Big Bear. Or if you like the great outdoors, you have to visit Sequoia National Park and the awesome General Sherman; and its neighbor Yosemite National Park. Yosemite Falls and Half Dome have to be on your bucket list. And if you‟ve never been to San Francisco and seen the colorful Golden Gate Bridge or driven down Lombard St or taken the cable cars, then you‟re really missing out. Now the people of California…that‟s something different altogether! We are labeled mostly

“laidback” “easy going” “surfers” “organic nuts” or “vegetarians” “gang bangers” “low riders” or “the land of ethnicity.” But we have fun too! We have lots of car chases down the 5 freeway, we surf jockeying for wave positions or house surf down the edge of a cliff; our valley girls carry on „Oh my god‟ intellectual conversations; we have illegal‟s scurrying across the border and running for political offices; we have road rages with drivers pointing out that you are #1; we have huge camp fires every summer but not in national parks and I mean all across the state; we have earthquakes practically everyday because everyone eats beans; we get stuck in traffic on the freeways going to and from home day after day; we have taco shops on every corner of every city; Mexicans cook better Chinese food than Chinese people; the Arabs own all the 7/11‟s; the Native Americans own all the casinos; the white people are the minority; and Dick Clark still looks like he did 50 years ago; This book pokes fun of California‟s attitude but hardly scratches the surface of what the California lifestyle is really all about. I just hope you laugh

because, if you can laugh at a Californian, you can laugh at anybody! If you‟ve never been to California, you‟re about to get a glimpse of what it‟s like as you read these short stories. Some have nothing to do with California, but who cares! Just bust a gut, and we got big guts in California! Enjoy!

â&#x20AC;&#x153;There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California.â&#x20AC;? -Edward Abbey

1 Breaking News: Another Car Chase Some people have their favorite soap opera or reality show or even sport to watch. Not me. I drop everything when the breaking news comes on and the car chase is under way. To me, this is California‟s finest sport. All the channels have to tune in and watch. We all know the outcome! They‟re going to get caught no matter who it is. It just amazes me how stupid these people are for trying. Now isn‟t it ironic that they‟re mostly trying to get away from LA? They know that if they get caught, they‟re going to get the beating of their lives! So they are almost always driving through LA to get to the Mexican border. They don‟t want to stop in San Diego either because the cops are just as bad. Why go to TJ? Because the cops there don‟t beat anybody! As a matter of

fact, the federales are the ones that are on the run. I like to get my popcorn and root for the driver, hoping he makes it to the border. “Go go, go!” I yell at the tube. It‟s funny to watch all these cop cars trailing this one car all the way down the 5 freeway. Then some action takes place. A cop will try to do the spin maneuver, pin the car up against a cement barrier, but the driver is usually very skillful and escapes the trap. I know the cops are really pissed when this happens. I know what they‟re thinking; “I‟m going to beat the ever-loving @#$%$% out of this guy when I get my hands on him.” The chase may go on for hours with the driver waving to the helicopter above capturing the event. Then the pitiful part happens; the idiot runs over a spike strip. So he continues to go down the freeway hoping his tire holds up until it desinigrates into a million pieces and you see his future becomes very bleak and the beating looms ever closer. Now the wheel rim is metal to pavement and it‟s starting to turn an amber glow from too much friction but I‟m rooting for him to get to the border anyways. “Come on! Go go go!” Now comes the fun part. The driver usually

knows he doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t have a chance so he pulls over near a place where he can jump out of the car and make a dash for it. This is where he makes his fatal mistake because he is gonna get the whipping of a life time. Even if he surrenders and lays flat on the ground, the cops still trounce on him. This all could have been avoided if the idiot had an ounce of common sense and stopped at the beginning. But hey, this is California!

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Whatever starts in California

unfortunately has an inclination to spreadâ&#x20AC;? -Jimmy Carter

2 Homeless People Homeless people in California can be very rude at times. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x;d think they would be embarrassed by their disposition, but no. They ask you for money but then after awhile they know who you are and then they want more than money, they want a vanilla shake and fries. And why do homeless people have dogs? They canâ&#x20AC;&#x;t afford to feed themselves but they all seem to have a dog. The sad thing is that the dogs are too loyal to leave. And they also love shopping carts too. All their possessions are in this little shopping cart or they dumpster dive for bottles and cans and you end up seeing them pull this poor cart stacked to heaven with recycled bottles, cans and glass or whatever they can find. And why do they all look like old sailors with no teeth? Their faces look

like they have an ache problem gone out of control. The thing I don‟t understand about homeless people is that they seem to wear jackets in the middle of summer. It could be 110 degrees and they‟re wearing a jacket as if they are trying not to look conspicuous. I try to help them out as best as I can. One time a homeless lady wanted money for a burger so I bought her a combo. She said „I didn‟t really want fries.‟ Boy was I pissed. How ungrateful! I think she wanted money for a drink or something. I was pulling into a KFC one time and a homeless guy asked me „Can you buy me a dinner? I‟m hungry.‟ Now that kind of honesty deserved attention. I drove out of the driveway and handed him a meal. He wasn‟t expecting me to actually buy him anything. And why do homeless people stand on the corner with a sign saying “I‟m Homeless?” Do they think we don‟t get it? As if we can‟t figure out why they seem to wear the same clothing every day of the year, can‟t seem to find a shower and razor and keep asking for money? They just don‟t get the fact that we are simply ignoring them. I don‟t want to sound mean or cruel but when even our Mayor or

government officials act as if the poor don‟t exist, or that they will just go away if we ignore them, wouldn‟t you think they would better themselves so they could stop being homeless? I guess it‟s easier said than done.

“They say California’s the big

burrito; Texas is a big taco right now. We want to follow that through. Florida is a big tamale.” - Dan Rather

3 The Mexican Food Addiction California is the Mexican food capital of the world! Some people are addicted to drugs...Some to alcohol…Some to watching Little House on the Prairie. Not me. I‟m addicted to Mexican food. You know how I know? I tried to go on a diet several times and when I did, I kept craving Mexican food. Breakfast burritos, tacos, tostadas…OMG! When you say to yourself „I have to have it,‟ then you know you‟re addicted. But it‟s not only that. It‟s when you think about it all the time. Now, I love all kinds of food and I love to have a variety, but I found out that I gravitated to Mexican food whenever I started to get hungry. At first it was…‟Ok, I‟m going to eat a salad.‟ Then it automatically changed to a Taco Salad. Then the excuse was that tacos were

good sources of fiber. So to get my roughage, I ate tacos. Then to avoid eating meat, I had a Bean and Cheese Burrito. Then, instead of having regular soup, I had tortilla soup. To continue my meatless days, I had a bowl of chili! Then I continued my creative ways and had a cheese enchilada combo. What drove me to this mad ingenuity was when I went the other way with my diet. I had salads for lunch or dinner; an apple, banana and orange for breakfast; and a peanut butter sandwich to stave off the hunger. But all along, I kept thinking about Mexican food. „Hey, a bean tostada and a diet coke, that‟s what I need to lose weight. At least I‟m still on this side of the line!‟ But when you start talking about rolled tacos with guacamole, cheese and tomatoes, then I fall on my knees and cry out “Holy Mother Mary of God help me in my hour of need! Bless this food I am about to eat AMEN!!” These are foods that try men‟s guts! Giving up hamburgers and French fries was easy. I hardly missed them. I had the usual chips or so but finding food that was appealing to my taste buds was the hardest challenge. I use to think chicken was

God‟s greatest creation until I discovered the Breakfast Burrito. And is there anything better than hot sauce to get your metabolism going? I still think Adam and Eve didn‟t pick the apple that made them sin; it had to have been the avocado. The apple didn‟t change but look at how big the avocado pit is! Someone knew it was going to lead to guacamole! Another one of God‟s blessed creations needed on rolled tacos! I‟ll go on a diet tomorrow!

“California is a garden of Eden, a place to live in or see. But believe it or not, you won’t find it so hot if you ain’t got the do re mi.” -Woody Guthrie

4 If East LA Were the Original Place of the Garden of Eden

Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s go back in time when our first parents, Adam and Eve, were created; but this time, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s see what would have happened if they were created in East LA instead of Iraq or Iran or where ever the Garden of Eden was. After God had made the sun, the moon and the stars and so forth, he was ready to create the first hombre. So he took of the earth and the earth was special because it had grease in it from all the animals that were playing in the garden, so God took of the greasy earth and formed

the man’s body. After God drank from a bottle of tequila, he breathed into man the breath of life and this is how he created the first hombre named Jose. Now God put the man in the middle of the garden to work it and keep it pruned and since God had foreknowledge that man would be lazy, he created a helper for him named Maria. Now God put Jose and Maria into the garden to work but they spent most of the time leaning up against some cactus. Then one day, the tempter came, a chupacabra. He said, ‘Did God say not to pick the avocado? He knows that if you do, then later in the future there will be taco shops on every street in LA.’ (This is proof today they picked the avocado). So Maria looked at the avocado and had visions of guacamole over her rolled tacos, so she picked it and gave some to her esposo Jose and he ate also. Then their eyes were opened and they realized they were greasers. Then they heard the voice of God coming in the garden as he sang ‘One Ton Tomato.’ The chupacabra took off like a lighting bolt and

has not been able to been found ever since. God asked Jose and Maria why they disobeyed him by picking the avocado. Jose said, ‘What chu you mean El Senor? We no done nothin wrong? We haven’t even worked?’ But God said ‘Then why has the avocado pit grown? I know you wouldn’t pick the apple. It’s too healthy.” But God was forgiving and made Zoot Suits for them. Soon they had their first nino and they named him Jesus. God sent a band of mariachi angels down to celebrate this first child, lead by the archangel Gabriel. Later, Jesus would have a child named Rico. And Rico would have a son named Efrain. And every time someone was born, this would be how names were formed today. Efrain’s name would be Efrain Rico Gabriel Jesus Jose. Now as Jose and Maria worked the garden, they grew all kinds of herbs like oregano, chili peppers, cilantro, and onions. They made God a sweet, savory offering of Menudo with organic corn tortillas. Then God came down and consumed the offering

with a diet coke. God gave them the bread of angels called manana, for which they quickly made burritos out of. Later, Jose and Maria had more ninos. They had a son named Roberto. Then they had another nino named Alberto. Then another named Humberto, Then Umberto. Then another called Burto. The last child was named Gordito. None of whom were illegal. When they picked the avocado, as God told them not to, God drove them out of the garden and they had to settle in the east side of the garden, now called East LA. Now you know the rest of the story!

I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix. -Dan Quayle

5 The Servant of All And now a storyâ&#x20AC;ŚIn Brawley California, in a dusty and dirty field of a local park, the best religious leaders of the community gathered to be interviewed by the town news team. Reporters wanted to know which religious institution was doing the successful job in serving and meeting the needs of the poor and homeless. When word got around to all the religious leaders, they decided to send the best looking representatives they could. So the Seventh Day Adventists sent a linebacker from BYU. The Christian leaders sent a quarterback from ORU. The Jewish leaders rushed in from Jerusalem, a tall burley kid from Mt Zion University. Other religions sent similar impressive figures so that the field looked like a gathering for a football game. The Roman Catholic Church,

however, wanting to show what true humility was, sent Sister Thelma, a splitting image of Mother Theresa. The media said they were going to ask each the same question to see who gave the best answer. The first question had to do with “What is love?” After each divulged their answers in religious rhetoric and pious emotions, Sister Thelma only said “I am not worthy to answer such a holy question.”The other leaders sneered and snickered at her response. Then one of the reporters asked the question “What is humility?” Again the leaders spun the same religious verbiage and dilapidated answers. And again Sister Thelma gave the same humble answer “I am not worthy to answer such a holy question.” Mocking again resounded among the holierthan-thou onlookers. Finally, one of the news crew said there was only one way to solve this mystery. He pulled out a fifty dollar bill and threw it in the middle of all of the religious leaders. The dirt kicked up here and there and there were sounds of punches here and there but no one could tell what was going on because

a dust devil covered the event. There were noises of kicking and hollering, shouting and screaming during this big free-for-all. An hour passed when finally the raucous ended. When all the men got beat up and worn out and the cloud settled so one could see the bodies of men strewn all over the field, beat from exhaustion, bleeding, and mayhem, there stood Sister Thelma in the midst of them all, holding the fifty dollar bill up to the sun to check itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s authenticity!

“It’s a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.” -Truman Capote

6 The Incredible Shrinking Planet Things in California seem to be getting smaller or are things around us getting bigger? Remember when McDonalds‟ super size was the biggest size? Now it‟s the smallest! The Big Gulp is not a gulp at all. It‟s a gallon! Cars have gotten huge too. I drove into a parking space at Wal-Mart and couldn‟t park my Honda Odyssey between a F350 Ford Truck and a Hummer. Some of these trucks look like they come with Jacuzzis! People in general are rotund now too. Kids are humongous. We even eat larger portioned plates too. If you go to a fast food joint now it‟s cheaper to order the combo cause if you only order a hamburger, it amounts to almost the same price as the combo. So they trick you into buying more and eating more. And the

calories…OMG! Over a 1000 plus calories per meal! I was looking at a double cheeseburger from the order line and gained 10 pounds. Just looking at it! I saw a couple of ladies the other day that looked like a couple of football players. They were huge! I was hoping I could spend the day with them because they made me look skinny. One gave me a dirty look for staring at her. I said “Pardon me ma‟am” sounding like Michael Jackson. Southwest airlines will charge you more if you‟re excessively healthy or they may not let you on their planes. I tell them I‟m not fat, I‟m just bloated. You know if you go to a 24 hour fitness now-a-days, you‟ll find more people in there that are overweight than those that are in shape. I see it all the time. It‟s the truth. Some people at the gym ask me “How much weight have you lost?” I say “10 pounds!” They say “Really?” Then I say, “Yeah, I just took a dump.” You know where I hate to go? To the Jury lounge for Jury Duty. You feel like a sardine waiting not to be called and wasting your whole day in inactivity getting even fatter. Or, to a crowded movie theatre. You have to keep

your legs straight and there‟s no room to eat your triple cheeseburger, curly fries balanced with a diet coke. The worst seat of all is in an airplane. Everyone is so happy when the flight is over cause all they want to do is get off the plane so they can stretch and get the kinks out of their entire bodies because they sat like pretzels for hours. Maybe this is why we are having so many earthquakes. Too many heavy people moving around! Perhaps this is why aliens from another planet don‟t appear to humans because they‟re afraid we may eat them!

â&#x20AC;&#x153;The California crunch really is the result of not enough powergenerating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.â&#x20AC;? -George W Bush

7 The Rat in Cat’s Clothing I received a call from the Department of Animal Cruelty the other day. I didn‟t even know a department like that existed! Apparently, my cat had been complaining about me. He said I hadn‟t been giving him enough whet or “moist” food lately, and nothing but dry food wasn‟t healthy for his digestive track. Well…maybe if he got off his furry lazy tail and went hunting for a mouse or a bird, he could get some of those digestive juices going huh! Instead of sleeping 20 hours out of the day, then deciding he wants to eat while I‟m asleep, waking me up in the middle of the night. Then when he‟s done pooping, bangs on the door to make me open it so his highness can come back in and sleep another 20 hours. Inconsiderate fleabag! Then he complained I was buying the cheap stuff. That it was too dry. That it didn‟t have any flavor. You

would think he would get the hint huh? Look, we all know cats go to someone else‟s yard to relieve themselves. So why can‟t they just stay there? Is that too much to ask? Maybe if I didn‟t throw a little hot sauce on his food it would make him happier but I‟m only trying to help…get rid of him! Besides, if he‟s going to look at me every time with that blank superior stare, then I might as well give him a reason for doing it. Then he complained that I locked him out of the house during winter. Boy, this cat just doesn‟t get it! He‟s a California cat too! To make peace, I‟m thinking of taking him on vacation with me next winter…to Siberia! Before I do I think I‟ll fleece him like a sheep and kick him out in the snow. I hope I don‟t get caught. Then I‟ll never hear the end of it. Besides, he started all this mess. I came home one day after a long hard night of work and the good-for-nothing locked the bedroom door on me. I knew he did it on purpose because I could hear him snoring and wheezing because he has an asthma problem and he left the TV on loud because I could hear reruns of Felix the Cat. Now the biggest complaint I got was that I didn‟t love

him any more. Man, is he a furry bull shitter or what! I don‟t hold him like I use to or scratch him under his chin. I‟d like to hold him all right! And use him as a piñata! What nerve! Here he sleeps for free, eats for free, sits on the sofa leaving fur everywhere, then changes the channel when I‟m watching a baseball game. Wait a minute…the mailman is here. I think my online order for a pit bull just showed up. I hope he‟s highly dysfunctional like I ordered. “Here kitty kitty! I have a present for you!” I better grab his cell phone before he calls PETA!

“You haven’t lived until you’ve died in California.” -Mort Sahl

8 A License to Kill Wouldn‟t it nice if you had a license to kill? I don‟t want to sound mean but when someone cuts you off on the 5 freeway and then flips you off, then they deserve to die! You speed up to catch them then shoot out their tires and they screech off the road and hit a pole and sit in their seat bleeding from the side of their face and helpless, and you come up and pull out your LTK card and flash it in their face and their eyes grow wide open knowing you have a license to kill! Yes, kill. And they start to scream Noooo! But you don‟t care case you have thee card! So you take out your 38 Special with the “mom” etched on the handle and boom, boom-boom-boom……..boom-boom. Then you wonder if you have any more bullets so you boom…boom. Would you

feel guilty or remorse for killing someone? Hell no! They started it! This is California. I pay taxes for the road like anyone else! Besides, I have the CARD! This is better than American Express. You couldn‟t use the card for selfish gain, robbery, taking advantage of someone or things like that but, heck…who would find out? I‟d kill them if they told. If I ran out of cash, I‟d act like a poor person and walk up to an old foggie in La Jolla and say “Excuse me sir. Do you have any spare cash, like a couple million dollars?” And he‟d say, “Boy, you‟re dreaming.” And I‟d pull out my LTK card and say, “That‟s what you‟ll be doing if you don‟t give me some mola.” Wouldn‟t that be great? Of course, I‟d kill him anyways so he wouldn‟t say anything. Why? Because I can! Am I mean for thinking this way? Why should I? I have a license, permission! freedom! Ok, I‟m only wishful thinking. There‟s only one problem I can see having a card like that. I‟d be driving down the freeway and some clown would be tailgating me and I‟d give him a dirty look and then I would hear these bullets flying by my ears

and then I would notice his license plate read LTK.

“I wouldn’t live in California. All that sun makes you sterile.” -Alan Alda

9 The Smoker One of the most amazing things to me, even more amazing than sliced bread or the invention of the wheel is this: the Smoker. I‟m not kidding. I have a basic theory as to why people smoke and it goes like this: Someone sees someone smoking and they think, that‟s cool! They don‟t think, that‟s nasty or how can they do that? No, they think that it looks cool. What blows me away is that they block out of their minds what they are actually doing to their bodies. For example, if I were to go up to a smoker and say, „I‟m going to cut your finger off.‟ What would they say? „Are you nuts? Do you know what you‟re saying?‟ So why don‟t smokers say the same thing? They‟re killing themselves? They‟re more interested in saying „Look at me. I‟m real cool. I‟m

somebody. I don‟t even speak a zee French but when I smoke, WA la. I is zee French American.‟ And that‟s how it starts. It‟s all about show and me. After awhile, the glammer starts to fade and then it becomes another type of attention called addiction. Now it‟s „Man, I need a smoke.‟ What they‟re really saying is „Look at me, I‟ve arrived. I‟m a real smoker man. I‟m cool.‟ All the while, as I said earlier, they block out of their minds what they are really doing to their bodies so that they can hold their finger up with a carcinogen stick the way someone holds their pinkie up when they‟re drinking a cup of tea. They might as well kiss the end of a car tail pipe cause that‟s essentially what they‟re doing. Wouldn‟t that be a rush! How many smokers really think about what they‟re doing? They puff smoke out of their mouths and noses but do they really understand that the smoke goes into their lungs? I think they know but they just don‟t care. I think they are more interested in how they look and then later, how they feel. Now I‟m not trying to put smokers down, oh no. We all have our vices. It just amazes me that smokers don‟t get it.

But if smokers, alcoholics, overweight people, thieves and so on don‟t get it, then I guess when it‟s our time to go, it doesn‟t really matter what vice we have. We‟re gonna go when it‟s time to go.

“The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same as the one for living in California: when you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.” -Jay Trachman

10 The Diabetic Squirrel I was talking to a squirrel the other day. Yes…a squirrel! What‟s so funny about that? You talk to your cats and dogs don‟t you? I mean… they‟re just animals aren‟t they? So what‟s the problem? But this is different. You see, ever since we‟ve begun to feed them at parks and everything, they‟ve become diabetic. Yes, diabetic. You see, he was complaining to me because we don‟t feed them chestnuts or peanuts or things they use to eat. Now they eat cheese nips, nachos potato chips, salted pretzels, almond joys or whatever junk food we throw at them. Now he has to check his blood sugar every day and take his insulin or his tail fluffs out and he looks like a squirrel on crack. His whole family has become dependent upon junk food. His dad is a cave potato… you know someone like a couch potato but he never leaves his hole now.

He‟s gotten so fat that he doesn‟t even think his dad can get thru the hole any more. These guys live near the coast underground hidden under bushes and are not like tree squirrels because there are no trees along the La Jolla shoreline. Good thing cause you should see how fat this guy is and I don‟t think he could make it up a tree. His wife has to use one of those inhalers to breath. Believe me, that‟s one fat squirrelly family. I tried to say it wasn‟t our fault but he asked if I noticed how fat Americans had gotten lately. He said the other day that he was asleep with the misses in bed when two fat people walked by their hole one night. The whole ground shook like there was an earthquake. He said not even his bed shook that hard on his honeymoon. I asked him, why don‟t you move to a place along the coast away from humans, so you can eat more natural food? He said he‟s addicted to Twinkies. His whole family is addicted to junk food the way we‟re addicted to prescription drugs. Besides, his wife couldn‟t walk too far and he wouldn‟t be able to get his dad out of his hole. One day he had to walk about a quarter mile to Glider

Port and dive into the trash cans looking for good left over‟s. He had to fight with the rats, rabbits and crows for what was in the trash because they were addicted to junk food too. He had to do it because it was winter and no humans came around much. Well, I haven‟t seen my squirrelly friends lately although I heard that there was a group of squirrels down at La Jolla Cove that does tricks for food. They say these squirrels are well fed and healthy. The more I think about it…it does remind me of my fat furry friends. I hear one is so fat he‟s in a wheel chair. What‟s the world come to nowadays? Soon they‟ll be telling us we gave dogs rabies!

“California is where you can’t run any farther without getting wet.” -Neil Morgan

11 The Gym The thing to do in California is go to the gym. Have you been to the gym lately? It‟s a whole new place nowadays. There are older people who go now and the funny thing about old people is that they don‟t have a clue on how to dress up when working out. One old guy showed up early in the morning with regular clothes and dress shoes. So he got on the treadmill and started to slide all over the place because he had black dress shoes on. Then I saw a lady who looked like she came straight from Iraq and walked right into the gym. She had her hair covering and dress clothes but she at least looked like she knew what she was doing, although she looked out of place. Then there are guys who show up with tons of cologne on, at the gym…to work out? I don‟t get it! Another

thing I don‟t understand is that there is music blaring through the PA system but everyone has their own IPod or music device and they‟re working with a partner and both have music devices. I have to admit, the music is annoying. It‟s blaring and loud as if you‟re on a druggie disco floor. Then there‟s Joe Gym, the pick-up artist. He‟s only there to talk to all the ladies. But there‟s also Joe blow the Socialist. He talks to everyone. He stops his routine and says hello, chats awhile, then continues. Of course, there are the couples who work out together. They‟re socialists also but they only talk to themselves. And one of the funniest in my opinion are those who think they have muscles and they are skinny as sticks. It‟s amusing to watch them look at themselves over and over in the mirror. I admire the big people who show up and make the gallant effort to win the war on fat. And I mean BIG people. They shouldn‟t get on stationary bikes though. The treadmills are behind where I work out and when they get on the bikes, all you see is booty. But hey, they‟re trying! You see, the gym is pure entertainment at best. Now

that I think of it, I wonder what theyâ&#x20AC;&#x;re thinking when they look at me?

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Los Angeles makes the rest of California seem authentic.â&#x20AC;? -Jonathan Culler

12 Jehovah’s Witnesses You know, I admire Jehovah‟s Witnesses. As long as they don‟t come to my house! They‟re out there hitting the pavement every Sunday, dressed up in their Saturday or Sunday best, clinging to their Bibles, knocking on your door early in the morning. They‟re everywhere in California. Hey, the last thing I want to do is talk to someone before I‟ve had my first cup of coffee. Me and God don‟t even talk to each other until we‟ve had our first cup of java. I don‟t even think the Lord goes with them. I think he‟s still asleep. Then you‟re polite to them and say „not interested‟ so they go away. Then they‟re back the next Sunday as if they didn‟t hear a word you‟ve said. „Hey! I said I‟m not interested.‟ Then they show up the next week. They just don‟t get it.

Then you‟re forced to keep your shades closed because you know they‟re gonna show up next week and bam…there‟s that knock on the door. Now you have to pretend you‟re not home and sit on your couch, are quiet and lower your television. You feel like you‟re in a bomb shelter waiting for the bombs to stop. Then you‟re in your living room one day forgetting all about them and then suddenly there‟s that knock on the door. They only want to give you a brochure or something but there‟s a greater plan looming. They‟re being polite now but the next time they‟re going to tag team you until you give up. So the next time they appear you tell them you already have a church and you are not interested. They say they only want to give you this track and then they show up on your doorsteps in two weeks. They tricked you now. You thought you got rid of them but they‟re determined to win your soul. You could do what my neighbor did; answer the door naked! That didn‟t work either. They still went over to his house. We just put up a chain linked fence in our front yard and placed a pit bull on guard.

Now letâ&#x20AC;&#x;s see how much determination they have!

“California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.” -Fred Allen

13 A Dog with Issues My wife and I were interested in buying a dog. We have two cats we call our boys but you know how cats can be sometimesâ&#x20AC;Śvery impersonal and superior at times. We just wanted a small lovable dog, not one who is going to lay big humongous turds all over the lawn so that weâ&#x20AC;&#x;d have to use a super-duper pooper-scooper everyday to clean the mess or start our own manure factory. So we decided we wanted a small dog like Eddie on the Frasier show. A Jack Russell Terrier is what we both thought would be the right size dog. So one day we went down to the local pet store and saw a white Jack Russell Terrier available, one that we both thought fit the kind of dog we were looking for. So we were told to fill out an application and a lady would interview us about the dog. Well, right away, as soon as she said fill out the application, I started to

have bad vibes. After all, never in my life did I ever have to fill out an application for a dog. This is ridiculous! During the interview, the lady asked all kinds of questions as if we witnessed a murder or something. Do we have a big yard? Do you have any other pets? How is your neighborhood? How are your neighbors? She might as well ask us if we ate dogs the way she was drilling us! Then came the truth; poor Skippy was a lovable dog but he had “issues.” Boy, I wanted to blow up laughing. Since when did a dog ever have issues? I‟ve heard of being sensitive to hurting people but a dog with issues? Now I heard everything! Seems Ol Skippy may have been abused as a puppy and has some psychological scars that are going to take some time to heal and what he needed was a family that was going to help him through this ordeal. I felt sorry for the mutt but after I heard that, I wasn‟t interested in the lovable guy. I have many issues I deal with in my life and I didn‟t want to hear that a dog had some of his own. Just knowing that took the joy out of adopting the mutt. I just couldn‟t see taking that dog home always

knowing I had to try and help him grow up emotionally. I wouldn‟t know if I was offending him when I was playing with him or I was hurting his feeling by doing something he previously was abused in. I might even call him something he didn‟t like and then I‟d really be in trouble with PETA. How‟s he going to tell me what he likes or dislikes? How was I supposed to know what to do to make him feel comfortable? He couldn‟t tell me. I could say “Here Fido, here Fido” and he‟d run off yelping and how would I know a dog-named Fido attacked him! Just my luck! You know Jack Russell Terriers are very smart dogs. To get revenge, he could go psychotic and lock the front door on me on a rainy day as I came home from work, hoping to give me pneumonia. See, now I‟m getting psychotic! I better drop the issue before I have to go see a shrink!

Tidbits of Humor By

Charles Roman

Chocolate for Pain One day, an elderly couple was out Sunday driving when the woman suggested the gentleman stop off and get some chocolate to ease the tension headache the man was experiencing. When the man returned, he decided he would pull a joke on his wife. When he came out of the store with two candy bars, he told his wife “The man in the store said I should eat two candy bars. That will get rid of the headache for sure.” The woman laughed and said, “He failed to mention one thing though; the pain from the concussion you’ll receive if you don’t give me one of them candy bars.”

Positive or Negative Energy After an elderly couple bought coffee and donuts, they headed to the local seaport to watch the ships sail in the harbor. The woman stopped to offer a small prayer for their small goodies; “Lord, please forgive us for the sin we are about to partake in. Amen.” The elderly gentleman continued the simple prayer; “Lord, please forgive my wife for her lack of faith and may these morsels skyrocket us into your divine presence! Amen.”

Rule #1 A couple was having troubles with their marriage, so they went to their pastor to solve them. The pastor told the wife that the bible tells the woman to submit to her husband “as it says in the book of 1st Peter,” the pastor admonished. Then he looked at the husband and said “2ndly, it says for husbands to love their wives” the pastor said emphasizing the word love. So he looked at them both and then turned to the husband and asked, “Now what are you going to do the next time you have a dispute?” The husband said, “That’s easy! Evoke Rule #1. Tell my wife to submit, like it says in the good book pastor”

Them were the Good Ol Days! An elderly couple sat on a swing porch in front of their home watching the neighborhood when a young girl walked by talking on a cell phone carrying on a loud conversation. “Boy, kids are so inconsiderate now a days,” said the old lady. Next, a tall young boy walked by smoking a cigarette. The old man commented, “Kids now-a-days. Don’t even know what their doing to their bodies.” Afterwards, a small fat lad strolled by eating a double cheese burger. Both elderly looked at each

other and said how fat young people are today. After awhile the elderly man said, “I remember them days.” The elderly woman replied, “Them were the good ol days!”

The Evolution of Change A lady was looking at an ad when she came across a sale. “Look,” she said to her husband. A sale on the style of genes I like.” “What’s the brand?” her husband asked. “Ah…looks like Evolution,” she answered. “Well, sounds like heathen genes to me.” he responded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she said dejectedly. “How much they cost?” he asked. “Six dollars a pair,” the woman said. “Well, let’s go get you a pair!” he said quickly.

“I thought you said they were heathen genes?” the woman said surprised. “I did,” her husband said. “But, for that price, I didn’t say they weren’t redeemable.

Mule Deer A senior couple was driving in a National Park taking in nature and the beauty around them when they were stopped by a Ranger. The Ranger warned them not to feed the mule deer because they can get aggressive. The elderly woman told the Ranger, “Don’t worry about us sir. We know all about mule deer.” “Oh?” responded the Ranger puzzled how an elderly couple could know so much about mule deer. “Yes” the lady said. “He’s the mule and I’m the dear.”