27 minute read
7 surprising home remedies for bug bites
Recently, my friend was outside when a bug swooped from above and descended down her above and descended down her V-neck shirt. Faster than you can V-neck shirt. Faster than you can say “bugger,” she was stung or bit say “bugger,” she was stung or bit on not one but both of her breasts. on not one but both of her breasts. It then dropped out the bottom of It then dropped out the bottom of her shirt and flew away.
What followed was a lawn dance the likes of which her neighbors had never seen. She’s lucky no one had a video camera handy—footage like that would have taken the internet by storm!
When she told me the story, I asked her, “Did you apply meat tenderizer? Ammonia?”
She said no, but was grateful that she had taken some Benadryl that morning to help with insomnia. She suspects (and I agree) that the inflammation and pain could have been much worse. We joked about her story and dubbed it “One Bee, Two Boobs.”
What do you do if you are stung or bitten by a nasty little critter? You can find a host of remedies for insect attacks and other summer boo-boos at your local pharmacy or in your kitchen. Here are some of my favorites: � Put quick-cooking or rolled oatmeal into a food processor to make a fine powder. Mix it with a small amount of water to make a paste and apply it to your sting.
You can also take a bath with oatmeal for all-over itch relief.
� Apply a cold black tea bag on the bite site for five minutes. The naturally occurring tannins in tea make it bitter, but also draw out poison and ease discomfort.
English Breakfast Tea in particular is high in tannins. � Mix white or apple cider vine� Mix white or apple cider vinegar 50/50 with water and use a cotton ball to dab the mixture to your sore for instant itch relief. � Meat tenderizer contains papain, which breaks up poisons from insect venom. Sprinkle about half a teaspoon into a little cup and add some water, perhaps a teaspoon or two, to make a paste and dab directly onto the bite. The sooner you do this after you get stung, the better! � Insect venom is usually acidic and ammonia is alkaline so it neutralizes the poison when applied as soon as possible to a bee or wasp sting. Some people recommend dabbing it on straight. Others suggest diluting it 50/50 with water. � Ice cubes are super effective at reducing inflammation and numbing the area. Wrap a cube in a paper towel and apply for 5-10 minutes. Ice feels nice on bites!
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The next time a bug swoops down the front of your shirt, don’t panic. Just head to the pantry! ■
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TOO MANY 911 CALLS
Submitted by Ben Kuckel A man hears some noise outside in his garage. Peering through the garage window, he sees three burglars bagging items to steal.
He calls 911 to report the crime. 911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”
Man: “There are three burglars robbing me right now!” 911: “Are they in your house?”
Man: “No, they’re out in my garage stealing all sorts of things!” 911: “Sorry, sir, but we currently have no patrol cars that can respond to that type of emergency.”
The call is disconnected but the man calls again. 911: “What’s your emergency?”
Man: “I just shot three burglars!”
No sooner than he provided his need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam,” the man said. “You are not wearing any panties, and your privates are exposed!”
The woman looked down, then back up at the man. “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday.”
address did three patrol cars, two ambulances and a fi re truck show up and fi nd three burglars in the garage. No one had been shot.
A police offi cer said, “I heard you reported that three men had been shot!”
Man: “I heard there were no patrol cars available.”
HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT
Submitted by Eric Escobar An elderly lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat tightly so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be so forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing upward in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I SHORT JOKES
Submitted by Jem & Mickey Neal I read recipes the way I read science fi ction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday, so I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. The noblest of dogs is the hot dog—it feeds the hand that bites it.
POKER
Submitted by Bob Breazeale A man walks into a casino and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He watches for a while and then says, “That dog must be really smart to be able to play poker.”
One of the players says, “Not really. He wags his tail when he has a good hand.”
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Submitted by Melissa Young The pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000 when he counted the off ering one Sunday. Every week after, that same pink envelope appeared in the off ering.
The following Sunday, he watched as the off ering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am,” the pastor said. “I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.”
“Why yes,” she replied. “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
“That’s wonderful,” the pastor replied, “but $1,000 is a lot. Are
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you sure you can aff ord this? How much does he send you?”
“$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession,” the pastor said, “but I had no idea they made that much money. Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses. One in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”
THE OTHER STALL
Submitted by Colleen Reed Traveling down the interstate, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
“Hi, how are you?” a voice said.
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fi ne.”
And the other person says, “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I was thinking this is too bizarre, so I said, “Uh, I’m like you. Just traveling.”
At this point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I fi gured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell them, “No, I’m a little busy right now.”
Then I hear the other person say nervously, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”
FORGETTER BE FORGOTTEN?
Submitted by Wilma Parsons My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny, But to me, that is no joke. For when I’m “here” I’m wondering If I really should be “there,” And when I try to think it through, I haven’t got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say “What am I here for?” I rack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but gee, The person it is safest from Is generally me! When shopping, I may see someone, say “Hi” and have a chat, Then when the person walks away I ask myself, “Who the hell was that?” Yes, my forgetter’s getting better, While my rememberer is broke, And it’s driving me plumb crazy, And that isn’t any joke.
BALL OF YARN
Submitted by Mark Lambuth Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn? He ended up having mittens. ■
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Garden pests bugging you?
5 steps to successfully manage insects in your garden
The destructive squash bug lays eggs on the bottom of leaves.
Insects are valuable to our landscapes and ecosystem. Without pollinating bees and butterflies, we get no veggies or fruit. Earwigs and pill bugs are amazing decomposers that eat plant debris and turn organic matter into plant nutrients. Worms and beetles burrow into compacted soils to provide aeration and pathways for irrigation. Springtails and centipedes feed on other small insects and microbes to keep their populations in check, and when they die, their bodies are a powerhouse of trace minerals for plants.
However, bugs can be difficult to manage. Your first instinct might be to destroy them, but that will wreak havoc on your garden and cause more problems in the long run. For effective ways to manage pesty insects, follow these steps:
STEP 1
IDENTIFY EVERY INSECT
You don’t want to harm beneficial insects, so it’s important to identify the bugs in your garden before taking action.
For accurate identification, use a hand lens. You may even have to scout in the middle of the night when caterpillars or cut worms are active. Insect books are handy, but I really like www.insectimages.org for identifying insects in each phase of their life cycle.
Keep in mind that insects appear differently at various stages of their lives. For example, juvenile ladybugs look nothing like adults, with their slender black profiles and orange stripes.
Once you know what squash bug eggs look like, flicking them off of leaves is much easier than managing voracious adults.
Calling the CSU Extension Master Gardeners and describing the damage an insect is causing can aid in identifying the culprit. Is it a small-mouth insect that’s making shot holes within the leaf or a large-mouth insect that’s eating the edges? Are there ruffled leaves from a sucking insect or any discoloration around the puncture wound on the leaf?
STEP 2
PREVENTION TACTICS
To keep problematic insects under control, prevention is a time-worthy approach.
Squash bugs and aphids can lay eggs in the soil. Rotating crops causes these pests to have to find their food source after they hatch and perhaps become another creature’s food source in the process.
Adding birdhouses specifically to attract blackbirds will help keep grasshopper populations down before they get out of hand. Bat boxes are also great, as bats eat moths, gnats and mosquitoes while we sleep.
STEP 3
DETERMINE YOUR LIMITS
The next step to managing pests is to determine how much damage you can tolerate. As a home grower, I don’t mind eating spinach with chew holes from flea beetles. Professionally, I can’t tolerate any damage since my customers buy with their eyes.
When plants are young in the spring, I have a very low tolerance for damage and will intervene immediately. I’m more lenient at the end of harvest because frost is coming and investing time and money into my plants is less important.
STEP 4
TRAPS, LURES AND BIOLOGICAL CONTROLS
Bug zappers are effective for cabbage moths, and I use a lot of yellow sticky cards fastened to chopsticks when leaf miners or fungus gnats show up. Little bowls of stale beer attract slugs and don’t leave a chemical residue in the garden.
Biological controls are the most
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Whiteflies on cabbage leaf.
fun option; however, I once released ladybugs in my back yard and they migrated to my neighbor’s rose bushes, which had more aphids than my garden.
You can purchase an army of beneficial insects at www.sound horticulture.com.
Bacillus thuringiensis (Bt) is a beneficial bacteria that acts as a biopesticide on beetles, black flies and moths. It’s toxic to problematic nematodes in the soil, but it’s non-toxic to humans.
STEP 5
USE SPRAYS
This option is the most expensive and takes the most time to manage.
I make my own pesticide by soaking chopped chili peppers, garlic and onion in a quart of water overnight. Strain it and add 1/4 teaspoon of liquid dish soap for clinging power and spray it on crops.
I’ve also sprinkled crushed chili pepper powder on plants right after spraying them. The powder sticks to the leaves, which deters rabbits. Remember not to spray basil or lettuces the day before harvesting so you don’t get the taste.
If I do purchase a pesticide from the garden center, I only choose products with an OMRI label. This means the Organic Materials Review Institute in Oregon has verified that it’s non-toxic to humans.
Sprays are really my last option because pesticides are not target specific. They kill all bugs regardless of how beneficial they are. Insects also build a resistance to sprays, so a pesticide that works great this week can be ineffective after a month of continued use.
If you resort to using sprays, make sure to rotate. That keeps the problematic insects on their heels—or heading over to the neighbor’s yard! ■
For help with identifying pests, call CSU Extension Master Gardeners at 719-520-7684.
GROW WILD
BY BRYAN REED Send your gardening questions to Bryan in care of Life After 50, or email him directly at BCReed@ColoradoMesa.edu
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Surviving Independence Day as a kid
By Michael Murphy
Ican tell it’s July without glancing at the calendar because it’s so hot that my dog turns the fan onto herself every time I leave the room to refill my ice cream cone.
Around the Fourth of July is when folks of my generation reminisce about how much hotter it was when we were kids. But the truth is it just seemed hotter because air conditioning had not yet been invented. All we had back then to cool the house were those fans with three black steel blades protected by a cage which we kids constantly tried to stick our fingers through to “see what would happen.”
July 4 always brings back fond childhood memories of near disasters involving sparkler sword fights and firecrackers blowing tin cans sky high just as I bent over them to check the fuse.
Where I grew up in the Midwest, fireworks stands were set up in a clandestine location a short drive outside city limits. Customers wore those phony nose and glasses to avoid being identified since the legality of fireworks was highly questionable.
Back then, firecracker shoppers had basically six choices: Lady Fingers, Black Cats, Cherry Bombs, M-80s and Silver Salutes. Oh, and sparklers and snakes for the less adventurous—the kids who now as seniors have much better hearing than the rest of us.
Today kids have an endless selection of fireworks to pick from with much more descriptive names
such as Airotica, Heartstoppers, Molten Fury and my favorite, Baby Boomers.
In addition to fireworks, there was the obligatory picnic that families attended—the one where Uncle Marv thought it was a barrel of laughs to throw lit firecrackers at the children and dogs. Thankfully, Grandma would put a sudden end to the insanity by bopping Marv over the head with her umbrella.
I never understood why people looked forward to bellying up to a picnic table where you spent half of your time trying to hang onto napkins, paper plates and potato chips to keep them from flying away on the sweltering hot breeze. The rest of the time, you are combating flies, bees and an army of ants which magically emerged once someone sliced open the watermelon.
As a kid, I was always leery of watermelon seeds and wondered if an ugly creature would pop out of my stomach if I accidentally swallowed one.
Then there was the giant mutant fly that attempted to sail into your mouth with each bite of corn, which is the only vegetable that remains completely lodged between your teeth after you’ve finished eating it, so that with every smile, you look like you just stepped off the set of “Hee Haw.”
While we waited on the food to be ready, we kids would play with a Frisbee which no one could throw correctly and no one could catch. We just ran around aimlessly for 10 minutes until the toy mercifully got stuck high up in a tree. That led to killing more time throwing rocks, sticks and empty bottles at the lodged Frisbee until Uncle Marv threw a large firecracker in a futile attempt to blow the Frisbee out of the tree.
Ah, yes, celebrating the Fourth of July today just isn’t the same as it was during my childhood. I think I’ll go light a sparkler to celebrate that fact. ■
4th of July Events
See the Calendar on page 28-29 for fireworks and Independence Day events
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