The Perfect Tree

By Jan Weeks

Blame it on Hallmark or Martha Stewart, but for years I had the urge to chop down the perfect pine tree—the supreme spruce—and bring the great outdoors inside, at least for a few weeks on the cusp of winter. So last year I bought a tree cutting permit and ventured into the hills in search of that perfect tree, the one I wouldn’t have to stand in a corner to hide the sparse side.

If you’ve ever gone in search of the perfect tree, you know that it’s always at the crest of the steepest hill around. So, clad in my Snow Pacs and parka, I set out with Darby, my Labrador retriever, to find Martha’s version of the holiday. I didn’t really need the dog, but leaving him behind would be like telling a teen that he can’t have the car on Friday night.

Oh, the eyes! I drove for miles, winding through the mountains along the back roads, scanning the slopes for the quintessential tree, the one that would make this Christmas just like the ones I never had but always wanted. If I found this incomparable tree, the livin’ would be easy, I’d be 10 pounds thinner and Publisher’s Clearinghouse would call.

At least that would happen in my Christmas fairy tale world.

At last I spotted it. Way up there on the ridge. The snow-covered branches spread evenly and thickly. It would fit in my living room. It was beautiful. I pulled into a plowed area, slung a bow saw over my shoulder, and began the climb. If you’ve ever waded through knee-deep snow in the mountains, you know that there is no down. It’s all up.

And up I went, breaking trail for Darby, pulling myself up in places, crawling in others, fighting the slope. After what seemed like seven hours of struggle, I finally reached the tree. Darby sniffed and proceeded to mark it as his.

“Bad dog!” I scolded.

His huge brown eyes looked like I had just beaten him with a rolled up Sunday New York Times. He stalked away, pretending that he was above such holiday nonsense.

I unslung the saw and began cutting above his mark. The Currier and Ives snow that had adorned the branches cascaded over me, soaking my hair and melting down my neck. Sawing madly, I ignored the chill that swept through me and finally stepped back to watch the 7-footer topple. I whistled to Darby and began the descent. “Down” reappeared with a vengeance as my feet slipped out from under me. I began to slide feet first, the tree on top of me, blocking my vision, and cursed Martha and her ilk. If it hadn’t been—ouch!—for her—damn rock!—I wouldn’t be in this—oh, crap!—predicament. Believe me, the human backside was never designed to be a toboggan. About halfway down the hill, Darby decided to hitch a ride, jumping onto my legs and howling as we raced toward destruction. By the time we landed in the ditch beside the road, I was considering converting to Judaism. Finding a menorah seemed much safer than finding the perfect tree.

By the time I got the tree home, I noticed that several branches had been ripped off during our precipitous descent and I had to put that side to the corner. Even after I put the tinsel and ornaments and lights on it, the tree still looked battered and beaten. Kinda like me.

After Christmas I hauled the bedraggled remnants to the curb and hit the post-holiday sales. And there I found my perfect tree. Its limbs were flawless, not a bad side in sight. Its needles would never shed. Fairy lights twinkled. I handed my credit card to the clerk and said, “Box it up.” T

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