Bland by Mike Taylor

BLA ND

MAY 2016

PEOPLE

HUMOUR

STYLE

Opinion

bland (blĂŚnd) (adj.) Lacking strong features or characteristics and therefore uninteresting.

Wait what?

BLAND.

MIKE TAYLOR

GIULIA BOTTARO

DORA BACSA

MAX MAERKL

Editor

Production

Design

Photography

“It’s about taking things that other people dismiss as boring and finding something interesting from a new perspective.”

ZANDA LITVINA Features

“Bland is a great chance to read about subjects that are not covered in the mainstream media. It’s funny, but smart at the same time.”

“Bland is about taking the piss while providing insightful content. Pulling the sass and giving out data. Entertaining and informing. Can you ask for more?”

“It’s intellectual recycling. Your trash is our treasure.”

KIERAN TOWLER Sub-editor

“I still feel funky from smelling all this paint.”

“Being bland means being bold, going against the mainstream, exploring ideas that would not make it into the glossy magazines.”

CONTENTS Bland Magazine MAY 2016

Bland’s Choice

65. Plastic Rap

19.

Untapped

70. Bland Fashion

22. Pointless and Expensive

for Everything! 84. Thanks Julie Newmar

26. Flaky Findings

99. Ebony & Ivory

32. 34. 38. 40.

Did You Know? I.

The People’s Palace

Weathered Talk

New Scots

48. Crafts 62

Did You Know? II.

102 106 112

Storm in a Tea Cup

EDITORIAL Bland Magazine MAY 2016

Unplugged How many times have you heard somebody dismiss something using a variant of bland?

Did You Know? III.

114. A Night With... 117. Horrorscope

“Oh that’s so dull,” “It’s boring,” how could anybody enjoy something mundane?” In short, Bland exists to make things people would normally dismiss as banal interesting. If you look hard enough, everything and everyone has a story worth listening to. I’ve been thinking about producing Bland for over a year, and I’m extremely proud of the what the team have produced. It’s remarkable the extent at which we have developed over the creation of a magazine - beyond caking the lads in makeup, drinking loads of tea, and investigating the art of taxidermy.

What you hold in your hands is not something that has been thrown together haphazardly. It is the result of many late-night coffee sub-editing, sweated out decisions, hair tearing, second-guesses, and debates. But, with this, Bland has begun. We took our cover from one of our more prominent features - *FEATURETITLE* - where I and my sub-editor joined a model to get dolled up. At first glance, he looks just like any man might, albeit shirtless. It’s not until you pause and actually look that you realise he’s got makeup on. And that’s how Bland is. It’s not until you take a second glance you can realise just how much depth something might have.

We’ll always be Bland, but we’ll never be boring.

匀䄀吀唀刀䐀䄀夀㈀㌀刀䐀䄀倀刀䤀䰀 ⸀ ㄀倀䴀 ⴀ ㌀䄀䴀 ⸀ ꌀ㔀䔀一吀刀夀

SAVE THE DATE

BLAND’S CHOICE

BY: Mike Taylor

May1.

Look Again Festival – Robert Gordon University campus The Visual Arts and Design Festival is free to attend, where a range of activities will be taking place across the RGU campus, including a new exhibition from Scottish artist Andrew Cranston. Runs from 9am to 5pm.

May1.

Inspired by the author’s visits to Aberdeen, exhibits his life as both a writer and a performer. Also showcases rare first editions of Dickens’ novels from ‘The Pickwick Papers’ to ‘The Mystery of Edwin Drood’. Runs from 10am to 5pm.

匀吀一䔀匀䔀倀刀

吀伀䴀伀䘀䈀刀伀伀䬀䰀夀一

May4.

Constellations – The Lemon Tree, Aberdeen, AB24 5AT, 7pm The Vinyl theatre presents the award-winning romcom from Nick Payne. Constellations explores the infinite possibilities that might occur following a couple’s first encounter.

May7.

匀唀倀倀伀刀吀䘀刀伀䴀刀䔀匀䤀䐀䔀一吀䐀䨀䜀䤀䰀䔀匀圀䄀䰀䬀䔀刀

An Audience with Charles Dickens – The Gallery, Sir Duncan Rice Library, University of Aberdeen

Colin Hay – The Lemon Tree, Aberdeen, 7pm Famous for being the frontman of pop group Men At Work, the Australian-Scottish singer-songwriter comes to Aberdeen.

May10.

May14.

May18.

Annie – His Majesty’s Theatre, AB25 1GL, 7:30pm David Ian Productions presents Annie, the world’s favourite family musical set in 1930s New York. 8 performances available.

Tom Wrigglesworth Plus Guests – Blue Lamp, Aberdeen, AB25 1BU, 8pm-11pm Winner of Channel 4’s So You Think You’re Funny, Tom Wrigglesworth brings his style of comedy to Aberdeen. Tom describes himself as having the body of Peter Crouch and the face of Postman Pat. Tickets £10.

Whisky and Chocolate Tasting – The Albyn, Aberdeen, AB10 1YE, 7pm – 9pm Enjoy tasting four malt whiskies and matching chocolate from the Highland Chocolatier. Tasting notes and complimentary chocolate to take away. Tickets £15 per person.

May26.

Scottish Opera Mikado – His Majesty’s Theatre, 7:30pm Martin Lloyd-Evans directs the 19h century comedy classic with conductors Derek Clark and David Steadman. Sung in English with subtitles.

Rock my socks

BLAND’S CHOICE

BY: ZANDA LITVINA

We are not going bland. We are going bold. This month is dedicated to the fine detail only specialists notice: the combination of socks and shoes. It can save the day when your outfit is an eyesore. The crew from Bland has opened their closet to show you personal favourites.

1. This match looks nice because it’s a professional photoshoot – in the reality it’s just a pair of worn out woollen socks and very dirty low quality shoes. But you got the point, right? Yellow, dots and badass grey trainers. Get the hipster teenage look. (Socks: €15 in an Italian market; shoes: Primark, £8). 2. This would be ridiculously dull without the red laces – the socks are nice but it’s too navy. Because a real man is not afraid of bold colours. (Socks: £6, Primark, Shoes: €98,Bugatti)

5. Finally something nice. I’m sure you had lost your hope by now. The reindeer socks with the burgundy detail keep the serious Oxford look with a fun tone. Please show them, especially if it’s Christmas time. (Socks: Pull&Bear, €6; shoes: Asos, £20).

6. The short socks bring down the tone a bit and make the look less formal. The light green makes an 3. interesting match with the burgundy which would look like an old sofa pattern if you were using it for the whole outfit. (Socks: in a €5 H&M multipack; shoes: Zara, £37).

3. Another match for man. I don’t know what to say, it’s actually really bland. I’m sorry that our editor has no taste whatsoever. You guys can send your pictures to our Facebook page so we can publish something decent next time. (add prices)

4. My apologies again. The yellow over black kind of reminds me of the Batman logo. Do you have a job that requires black shoes and involves mud? There you go. (add prices)

7. There’s nothing more beautiful than a pair of new, shiny shoes. The green eases the brightness of the shoes. Beautiful. (Socks: my dad’s; shoes: I have to check, €80).

BLANDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S CHOICE

BEIGE BY: ZANDA LITVINA The Universe may seem like a massive area of darkness but the average colour is actually beige, according to NASA scientists Ivan Baldy and Karl Glazebrook. Beige is like the plain, obedient city council worker. He keeps the town running, but no one seems to notice. But boring old beige doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be monotonous. To celebrate this cosmic latte, Bland looks at fashionable, beige items. Yes, these terms can be combined.

14 Chiffon Dress, ASOS, £40

Lace Dress, Debenhams, £55

BLAND’S CHOICE BLAND’S CHOICE

BLAND’S CHOICE

Knitted Cardigan, Seppälä, £20

UNTAPPED Tap Water of Life Long gone are the times when a pronounced gut meant you were wealthy and had enough to eat, if you are growing up today and you are poor you are also more likely to be fat. Well-off millenials take fewer risks when it comes to their health than previous generations according to a study by the UN World Health Organisation (WHO). The researchers found that 11 to 15-year-olds are less likely to smoke or drink alcohol. It was also discovered that adolescents are severely affected by social inequality when it comes to leading a healthy lifestyle. Dr Zsuzsanna Jakab, the WHO Regional Director for Europe, said: “Girls and children from lower-income families consistently report poorer physical and mental health and lower rates of physical activity than boys and children from more affluent families, for example.“ According to Jo Inch, the Coordinator of the study, children from a wealthy background have a healthier lifestyle. However, the upper class’ unhealthy habit of choice are soft-drinks. Previous WHO studies showed that the consumption of fizzy drinks is related to income, especially in Scotland. Despite its working class image, it’s the rich kids who have the Bru. Inadvertently, it seems, George Osborne has for once taxed the rich. It will be the wealthy youngsters who are hit by his sugar tax. For hundreds of years water has been the thirst-quencher of the lower classes. While royalty had weak wine, the poor were working the wells, baths were taken no more than once a week and the washing was done in the nearest river which also served as a sewage system. Clean drinking water was far too precious to waste for the plebum [sic]. Bland wants to find out if the rich Scots can save themselves the Chancellor’s sugar tax by drinking water. Cue the Highland Spring? Fiji? Black Volcano Water? Yeah, that’s not quite our style, you’ll have to go to Buzzfeed for that.

DAY1.

TASTE WATER

DAY

Tastes like tap water. Smells like chalk but it’s not unpleasant. On the tongue it’s crisp and refreshing. Mineral notes (think chalk or stone) in the background give the water an earthy quality, there are faint citrus notes and a slight sweetness. There’s no chlorine in it today. It’s soft and pleasant.

8/10 points

TAP 7

THE

DAY3.

DAY2. Ta s t e s like tap water. I get a nose of chlorine when I turn on the tap. Sniffing the filled glass confirms the first impression. It tastes very crisp and feels cool on the tongue; almost like menthol sweets. The hints of toothpaste and citrus remind me of the disinfectant wipes I keep in the car. The earthy qualities of the water are overpowered by the aggressive citrus notes. The water still tastes pleasant enough to drink and while there is chlorine in, it doesn’t taste like gulping down swimming pool water.

Ta s t e s like the elixir of life. Yesterday’s Chianti induced headaches and grumpiness the following morning. The first sip from the water glass washes away some of the grumpiness, the first gulp Ta s t e s clears some of the headache. It smells like like tap water. The morning breath (the water isn’t at fault) water was kept in a botbut it couldn’t taste sweeter. It evokes tle for a while and developed a slight chlorine note. The first sip is images of mountain springs and burns pleasant but the chlorine picks up on gushing down rock faces. Full points for SSE’s finest. the back of the tongue. The final note is flat and lifeless and more chlorine can be picked up. The water still has a pleasant softness but is dull and unexciting. The taste can be improved by boiling and adding coffee powder.

DAY5.

10/10 points

BY: MAX MAerkl For our comprehensive tap water taste test we have chosen water from the city of Aberdeen. According to a Scottish Government report published by the Scotsman it overtook Edinburgh as the richest city as of last year. This is the water the upper class has to put up with.

5/10 points

DAY6.

Ta s t e s like tap water. It’s soft, even softer than yesterday. It doesn’t carry much taste at all. The sweet earthy notes the water had on some of the other days are nearly gone. It’s almost boring but that’s how I like my water.

9/10 points

6/10 points

DAY4. Ta s t e s like tap water. First there’s a hint of toothpaste again, then there are mineral and chalk notes. It feels dull on the tongue and overall it tastes a little bit like licking a rock. In short: it’s unspectacular, drinkable and considering the cost of less than 0.0009 per liter, quite unbeatable.

7/10 points

DAY7. Ta s t e s like tap water. It smells like wet earth. The taste reminds me of calcium tablets I used to take. It feels dull on the tongue and has a sweet after taste. The citrus notes are more pronounced today, there are hints of orange peel. I would drink it again.

7/10 points

YET CRAZY ÂŁXPENSIVE BY: DORA BACSA

UTTERLY POINTLE$$

Have you ever wondered how it would be to have a million pounds? When you thought about it before, you probably pictured only the expensive cars and mansions you could buy and paid no attention to the little details like what kind of toilet paper you would use or which luxury soup you could have for dinner. Now this is about to change. Bland presents you a list of completely useless but crazy expensive everyday items you can purchase once you win the lottery. Whoever said that money canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t buy happiness has clearly never owned a crocodile skin umbrella.

Luxury Noodle Soup

£30

£9.752

Posh instant noodle for dinner? For only £30 you can buy one of the 100 exclusive Pot Noodle cups, Harrods has launched. Each vegetarian - friendly posh noodle comes in a handflocked gold leaf pot and because you want to be civilized while you eat your instant noodles, it also comes with a fork and table linen.

Tea Bag Yup, that exists. Because, I mean, you’ve never had a tea if you haven’t used a diamond encrusted tea bag before. For PG Tips 75th birthday, Boodles Jewelers made the tea bags with approximately 280 diamond surrounding their outsides. It allegedly took the company three months to produce one, so when you next wake up in the morning craving a good tea, you only have to wait three months to finally enjoy it.

Gold Toilet Paper Roll

£836.000 One must never forget how rich they are, even when answering to nature’s call. An Australian company made a toilet paper roll from 24-karat gold flakes and sold it for $1,2 million dollars, which is approximately £836,000. Way to flush your money down the toilet!

£11.000

Gold Backpack

£1.150

We’ve all had the struggle of finding an at least semi-cool backpack for traveling and grocery shopping so that carrying our belongings wouldn’t make us want to kill ourselves every five minutes. Well now, the struggle is over. With only 4 available, for £1,150, The gold rucksack by the Billionaire Boys Club features their trademark diamond dollar pattern, making an excessively expensive item even more over the top. Cause what is the point of being incredibly rich unless you’re also incredibly tacky?

Crocodile Skin Umbrella

£34.826 24

If you’re unbelievably rich and also live in the UK, you will definitely need this. I can assure you that your £34,826 umbrella will be the most enjoyable item you’ve ever owned for that 5 minutes before the wind blows it out of your hand.

£230

Diamond Contact Lenses So now that gold tooth is so old fashioned it’s almost awkward to have one, the new thing to go for are definitely the diamond lenses. These lenses cost £11,000 and will definitely add a little sparkle to your eyes. Not to mention the exclusive posh-vampire look they provide. There might be a little health and safety issue when you think about them scratching your cornea, but it definitely worth the risk.

Swarovski Magnifying Glass Because you want to be so rich that even the magnifying glass you use to examine your jewels is covered in jewels. Unfortunately, the price is unknown, however rest assure that it costs way more than a magnifying glass should.

Little Something, Gold Vibrator There is not much to say here, apart from the fact that this little gold toy is made of 24-karat gold, and is sold for £230. Before you make a rushed judgment, just think about what they say; An orgasm a day keeps the doctors away. And what better way to do that, than with a 24k gold vibrator. I’m sorry all handsome millionaires, but you might have some competition here.

Flaky Findings

BY: KIERAN TOWLER

As a people, for years we have compared the most mind numbing of subjections, to an activity (if it can be described a such) infamous for it’s uncompromising tediousness - watching paint dry. Although it is certainly not a regular pastime for the average person, those experimental or unfortunate enough to have watched matter [sic] consolidate have returned with tales of grave monotony and excruciating boredom.

“

A group of scientists from the University of Surrey decided to challenge these negative connotations by getting together to watch some paint dry. According to the researchers, this lead them to making an ‘exciting’ new discovery.

”

Never has anything so colourful been so colourless. /Anne, Interior Designer, Aberdeen/

Spontaneity is not something that anyone with a reasonable grasp of the English tongue would associate with ‘watching paint dry’.

push away the larger ones, resulting in the bigger particles being forced to the bottom.

According to research however, when examined through a microscope, it becomes apparent that paint ‘spontaneously’ forms into two layers as it dries. The smaller particles in the paint group together to

The discovery, although not ground-breaking on the surface, is believed to be potentially useful in a number of industries including cosmetics and pharmaceuticals. In particular it is set to revolutionise the sun-cream market.

“

”

The Horror!

/John, Painter, Aberdeen/

According to Dr Andrea Fortinini, the lead author of the research, most of the sun-blocking particles could be designed to “push their way to the top layer of the coating leaving the skin adhering particles at the bottom.” This would create stronger and longer lasting sunscreen, essential for the blistering Surrey heat. Although it remains a long way from being man’s greatest discovery, the analysis provides the opportunity for an unprecedented retort to the derogatory idiom. If someone uses the phrase, ‘I’d rather watch paint dry’, the reply ‘you may learn something’ is now perfectly fitting. Scientists from the University of Surrey plan to undergo further research in relation to their new discovery. Experts are now determined to unearth secrets by watching the grass grow, and upon recommendation, will try to further understand the definition of ‘exciting’.

FOOTNOTE

All characters quoted in this article are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to real person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Did you konw?

There are many places and things around the world noted for their names being tautological – that is, the two different parts of its name are synonymous. The Sahara Desert being one particularly famous example. Chai Tea being another.

tautology BY: Mike taylor

Scotland happens to house its very own tautological feature – the Law Hill in Dundee. The Hill Hill takes its name from the Anglo-Saxon word hlāw meaning mound. The Law is a long-extinct volcano and has been used by human settlers for up to 3500 years – remains of Pictish settlements and Roman pottery has been found and the place where the first Jacobite rising began. Today, it houses a war memorial to those who served during both World Wars and is a stone’s throw away from Dundee’s Observatory.

The people's palace BY: ZANDA LITVINA

The famous student place Institute, located on Bridge Place, might seem like one of those ordinary clubs where a bunch of twenty-something people spend their last pennies. Institute certainly is one of the most famous entertainment venues among young adults in Aberdeen, offering a wide variety of over-priced drinks and tunes of the much-loved billboard stars. However, in the 20th century, the well-known spot was not as student friendly. Being home to one of Aberdeenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s largest theatres, it attracted the most prominent society members

The theatre, then also serving as the Music Hall, was built in the early 19th century and designed in a Venetian style. The Peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Palace of Varieties burned to the ground on September 30th, 1896, making it one of the most serious accidents in Aberdeen. The fire broke out shortly after the start of the performance, and in the stampede upwards of thirty people were seriously burned and injured. A fire had broken out in the top of the flies among the scenery to be used in the third act when the inflammable material had come in contact with the gas jets. The attendant, who rushed to the spot and attempted to extinguish the blaze, got his hands badly scorched was badly scorched across his hands. The flames burst through the roof, and then seized on the wooden interior.

In the course of the conflagration, the gas exploded with a terrific noise and the heat was so fierce that the windows in the vicinity cracked. Streams of water were poured upon the burning mass both from Bridge Place and Crown Terrace, the end of the latter thoroughfare just overlooking the hall. In 1898 the building was turned into a Music Hall designed by architect John Rust with a seating capacity of 1,800 with stalls, dress circle and balcony levels.

Films began to be screened as part of the variety programme from 1911. In June 1936 it was taken over by the County Cinemas circuit, who later became part of the Odeon circuit, although the Palace Theatre name remained. It closed as a cinema on 14th November 1959. In 1960s The Rank Organisation took over and levelled the stalls floor and re-opened the stage to create the New Palace Ballroom.

People tumbled over each other in their efforts to get out as a wild rush was made for the exits. Audiences twisted through the narrow passages and down the stairs and created a serious congestion in their panic.

In 1976 it became a nightclub named Fusion, then Ritzyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Discotheque, then Bonkers and The Palace Nightclub.

Then it turned out that The exit door was locked. People had to smash the glass to escape. Clothes were rent, handbags lost, legs bruised and hair pulled, while those who escaped being crushed had a chance of being scorched by the rapidly advancing flames.

Step 1 - Learn your vocabulary

Weathered talk

There’s a lot to learn, so don’t get overwhelmed. Pick four or five phrases, learn their context, and stick with them. You won’t need more colloqualisations because nobody on the West Coast matters and everybody South of Dundee is either posh or a tourist.

for newcomers

Recommended phrases - Bucketin’ (meaning heavy rain), dash or dashin’ (a short and sudden bout of rain), fiss (drizzle), lashin’ (rain so heavy it bounces off the ground), and Haggerin’ (gentle rain).

BY: Mike taylor Step 2 - Be Confident

As Scots, we love talking about the weather. It’s always “affa dreich” or “the sun is ai crackin’ the flags the day” although the latter is a rare sight this far north of the equator. In fact, Scotland loves talking about the weather so much we have more than 100 words for rain. From pleuran or hoorin. From umplist to scotch mist, we have more words for rain than the Inuit do for snow, according to the Dictionary of the Scots Language. But, in an age of globalisation, people will need to learn how to get on the level of Scottish Weather Talk because if we don’t make small talk about the weather what’s left to talk about?

If you go into an old man’s pub and declare confidently “Oh aye, it’s fair bleatin’ down!” they will, without fail, nod in agreement. Old Men Pubs (OMPs) usually don’t have windows and the inhabitants practically live there so even if it wasn’t bleating down when they came in, it fair well could be now.

Step 3 - Never Smile Other guides will tell you that smiling and eye contact are essential when making small talk. They claim that doing these things make you seem natural, confident, and will put the other person at ease when you speak to them. This is not true in Scotland. The weather is not a subject we love to complain about - right up there with bus scheduling, prices of anything, and David Cameron.

Follow these simple steps and you will be well on your way to being a master of Scottish Weatherspeak.

39 Portland Rain, - gsloun , Flickr

NEW SCOTS BY: Giulia bottaro ABERDEENSHIRE

DAMASCUS

She’s sitting in a lecture on cultural awareness. It takes a while to go through each slide: the two people speaking keep repeating each other. One of them is an official interpreter translating to Arabic. It’s the refugees weekly meeting in Inverurie Community Centre, and almost everyone is Syrian.

“

”

They laugh about that. About the war.

The youngest must be a year old, the oldest in his seventies. Someone is on a wheelchair, some women are wearing headscarves. A bright red lock peeps out an old lady’s hijab. They are the new Scots that have been assigned to Aberdeenshire. It’s been a few weeks, they are still processing the paperwork, they speak very little English, but they smile a lot. They laugh, make jokes and chat as old friends do. Katie MacLean, Syrian

Refugee Resettlement Coordinator, says that in the first weeks they used to come to the meetings with grey faces and no energy. Haya Shahoud sits next to Soubie. She married him when she was 14 and they have five children. Two of them are here in Scotland. They are 10 and 17 and started school a few days ago. They were meant to go to the United States, but two of their other sons had been assigned to Germany, so they asked to come here to be closer to them. They don’t mention the fifth child. Haya and Soubie laugh while talking about their hometown, Homs. My interpreter Ahmed Salaheldin says it’s where there have been some of the worst battles. “They laugh about that. About the war.”

Haya means life. She wears a pedometer on her finger. She moves her hands so much when she speaks, it may count more steps. Though her eyes are firm. Even when she talks about her three children she hasn’t seen in a long time.

The lecturer Ian Mugglestone speaks about coconuts and peaches. He explains that it’s easy to cut through a peach, but not through coconut. It means that some cultures are peaches. The British are generally regarded as coconuts.

are 64 million people, 53 of them in England.

Katrena Wilkie, who teaches English on Mondays, says that Katie was right. “People don’t even know about them”, she says. “We already have people from other parts of the world in here, nobody notices anymore if they see someone A man with a moustache says he hasn’t met with a different skin colour. See those guys over cold people so far. Katie, who is sitting at the there, if they were in the street end of the room, sorting out someone would only turn their some papers, shouts proudheads because they are good ly that Scots are peaches. “We are the reason looking!” But there is so much Britons want to the community can do to help. A Syrian man says something about disrupting the leave Europe.” Bassel Al Daya, a man in his fifcommunity: they are afraid ties, has been here since Febto have invaded the town, ruary. He says he had been in to be annoying the locals. England thirty years ago, but feels much more comfortable here, among the Scottish peaches. One of the refugees believes they are He is grateful to be provided with everything the reasons why Britons are pro-Brexit. he needs and to have his wife and two Katie intervenes again, saying that in Scotland of their children with him. But somethe majority pro EU. Ian goes on: “In Scotland one is missing to complete the picture. there is plenty of space.” It’s evident from the map shown by the projector: in the UK there He hasn’t seen his oldest son in five years.

“

”

If they were in the street, someone would only turn their heads because they’re good-looking!

He is over 18 so cannot be reunited with him. “My child is my child, no matter the age,” he says. He had always been active in speaking against the Syrian government, so had to flee the country in 2011, three years before the rest of the family. He has a physical disability and is in Dubai, “alone, with no one to help him.” Bassel says that other people here have the same problem. They have all the essential goods, but they lose their sleep over their loved ones scattered around the world, with no hope to see them anytime soon. Back to class: it’s politics time. Someone says that Syria is the mother of civilisation, where society started. They explain about the countries in the UK, Scottish economy, the Parliaments. The interpreter has a hard time in explaining the distribution of MPs per capita in Arabic. We talk about the Queen who is called Malika, in Arabic. Ian explains that not liking the monarchy is not considered anti-British. An old man nods. “This is democracy.” The man with the moustache says, in an election, he would vote for Katie. The lecture turns into an animated conversation. Many Syrians

now have comments and questions. The interpreter juggles between a few men on her left discussing between each other and Ian, on her right, who calmly replies to each question, hands crossed on his stomach. British people can change the government, if they don’t like it. Soubie whispers to Ahmed: “In Syria the government changes the people.” Soubie had a factory that produced fridges back in Homs. Gone. He didn’t study, he was educated by hard work. He used to travel a lot in the past, once he spent six weeks in Milan for his fridges. “We liked the hotel so much we mostly stayed there. But the coffee…” Soubie and Haya invite me to their place to try Arabic coffee. It’s ground fine and goes with spices. Ahmed wonders how they got the spices in Scotland. “We brought them from Syria,” they explain. Haya has always been a housewife. She has cooked dinner in the morning so it will be ready when they get home. She has been to Aberdeen once for a banquet, organised by the Mosque to bring all the Syrians together. Soubie goes to the Mosque every Friday with all the men.

“

”

We are all people here.

prayer and another one. There is no Muezzin in Inverurie, so their smartphones do it for them. The slides are about the physical symptoms of culture shock. The man with the moustache says they have overcome them quickly. What do people need for satisfying physiological needs? Food, clothes, medicines. A young man adds “a home.” There is a little girl with a pink backpack going around the room. She sits a bit with her mum, a bit with her grandad. A Syrian lady gives her a biscuit. She beams and doesn’t reply “shukran,” but “thank you.” The kids have just started school. They have a flexible timetable, and go to English classes with the rest of the Syrians. There are no interpreters there. If you merely repeat, you don’t learn. There is a lot of ot of gesticulation in these classes, as Katrena explains.

At the end of the meeting, Katie announces they will go to Edinburgh next month. Everyone cheers and applauds. The class is over. It’s been four hours. Before everyone goes, the man with the moustache wants to know how Katie expected them to be. Are they better than she thought? Katie says it’s the first time something like this happens in Aberdeenshire. He wants to know: his expectations about Scots were outdone. She says: “We are all the same – it’s shared humanity. We all are people here.” The interpreter raises her hands: “He really wants to know, Katie. He wants a reply. Are they better or worse than you expected?”. Katie laughs. “Okay, okay. You were a thousand times better!”

A phone starts playing the adhan, the call to

CRAFTS BY: Zanda litvina and max maerkl 48

”

THE FROG PRINCE BY: zanda litvina

“

Taxidermy is an age-old profession. It’s melancholic, romantic and outwardly alchemical in the practitioner’s capability to bring the dead back to life, even if it’s only the spark in two glass eyeballs.

A small, black puppy sits on a red piano, next to it is a colourful chicken feather hairband, while some 20 frogs sit quietly on a grey linen blanket. Many people spend their childhood catching animals and many also spend time in imaginary worlds. But an exceptional human being is needed to meld these two hobbies into an artistic calling. As you are reading this, Kristians Koks could very well be pulling the skin off of a pigeon or maybe a frog.

While taking a mouse skull out of a massive metallic bowl, he says: “Taxidermy is an age-old profession. It’s melancholic, romantic and outwardly alchemical in the practitioner’s capability to bring the dead back to life, even if it’s only the spark in two glass eyeballs.” A freezer full of deceased birds and animals stands in the corner of dusty yet bright room. A beam of sunlight enters the space through four massive windows, its path becomes visible as the tiny dust particles scatter the beam of light all around the room. Cracks in the grimy white walls suddenly look like intentional artworks. On top of the freezer is a slightly damaged wicker basket filled with glass eyes of different shapes and sizes. On the floor there are hundreds of anatomical drawings. Kristians adds: “The green glass balls will be used for one of my latest pieces – my granny’s cat. He died just a couple of days ago after living with us for nearly 20 years. I thought it would be a waste just to bury him as I’ve known the creature since I was a baby.

“It’s important to make sure all the animals look as natural as possible, therefore, you have to know the way they sit, the way their mouth is shaped and the colour of their eyes.” Kristians first fell in love with the unusual craft after his much beloved pet died, shattering his carefree childhood memories, which know no death or sadness.

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To be a taxidermist you have to be in love with the nature.

“To be a taxidermist you have to be in love with the nature, you have to admire animals otherwise you would be awful at the job. Many vegetarians, like myself, take up the hobby because they want to preserve the beauty of the nature. “I was so devastated when my parrot died, so I decided to find a way to keep the bird I had fallen in love with.”

“I might sound like a complete weirdo, but I put the parrot in my freezer and started looking for advice on the Internet. I found this YouTube channel with thousands of tutorials explaining the basics of taxidermy. That’s how it all started.” His art is made with the belief that no animal parts should be left wasted. His samples are sourced only from natural or unavoidable deaths.

Kristians says that sometimes he is still uncomfortable talking about his passion for stuffing animals. He thinks many people “don’t seem to understand the beauty of the craft”.

“There is still a lot of stereotypes about taxidermy artists because people automatically think that it involves hunting, animal abuse or something dark and dreadful,” he says, while taking off his dirty working apron and gloves. “The animals I use to create my art have all died naturally. Some of them were hit by a car, killed by a different animal or brought to a pet shelter and died or been put down due to illness, for example. “I have grown up around nature and always loved learning more about biology, anatomy and zoology. I think that we are all part of the animal world, so why not enjoy the beauty as long as you can?”

COO-oPERAtion BY: max markle

A fan begins to spin, blowing the scent of freshly cut oak wood in the direction of rows of empty chairs. It’s April, the tourists have not yet arrived in the video room of one of the UK’s last remaining working cooperages, but it isn’t quiet. This cooperage is operating under full steam.

The workers get two weeks off around Christmas, apart from that, they work all year round. Ronnie Grant, a cooper turned tour guide says: “Whisky is up there with the North Sea oil in terms of output, it’s a big industry.” Pictures of burns, glens and falls flicker across the screen. With every revolution of the marketing machine the sweet smell intensifies. As the fan’s noise dissipates a sonorous male voice says “Uisge Beatha – The water of life”. The industry knows of the power of “Uisge Beatha”: imagery of wild roaming stags, peat fires and unpronounceable Gaelic names for their vintage bottles. The Treasury’s Whisky tax freeze, in this year’s budget is testament to the success of the

distillers, coopers and marketers. Last year the Whisky duty was cut by 2% to 76%. This year the Chancellor announced the tax would remain unchanged. A move hailed by consumers and producers alike. It is a £5 bn industry, which makes it larger than the UK’s steel manufacturing and IT sector, according to a study by 4-consulting. The coopers are working behind glass panels. They hammer steel hoops onto the staves, while the visitors watch them from balcony above. Ronnie says: ”It took us a while to get them to behave when we opened the visitor centre, at first not all of them liked being watched.” With heavy hammer blows the steel settles and presses the staves together, sealing them so none of the precious spirit is lost or

Ronnie Grant

contaminated. Ronnie opens one of the windows and shouts: ”Smile for the camera.” ”The tools are the same tools that they used 200 years ago, the only thing that has changed is the hemp string that is used to seal the top and bottom of the barrel,” Ronnie explains. Of course that is not quite true, new barrels can be produced with the help of machines. The wood is cut by an automatic saw, the hoops tightened by a large hydraulic robot with steel arms that pushes the steel onto the wood. The casks are charred, a process which burns the wood on the inside of the cask to release sugars and oils from the oaks staves, a process that used to require a wood fire to be lit in each cask. Now they are charred by computer controlled gas fires. Ronnie presents the smooth, flat rope that holds the liquid in the barrel: “The groove for this can only be cut by hand, when we repair a cask, it takes about an hour to

re-groove the staves.” De-charr, re-charr, repair – “The coopers are paid per cask, you do as many as you can in nine hours.” The repair requires manual labour, and experience, most of the machines can only be used for fresh wood. “We had a guy riding up here 2000 miles from Hungary on his Harley Davidson, he just knocked on the door and asked for a job, he was a cooper.”, he points at one of the workers returning from their lunch break, “that’s him.” “You just know when they are coopers, we have had guys come in who claimed to be trained. You can tell within the first hour if it’s true.” “We don’t look at your education or your grades, that’s not what we care about, it’s not what we look for.”, Ronnie pauses, “Character, that’s it.”

The Speyside Cooperage currently has four apprentices. The training is a traditional apprenticeship and takes four years to complete. After four years, the coopers can read the wood, tell the good from the bad staves and select them for a leakage free seal. Ronnie says: “We never had any problems getting new people, we’ve had up to six apprentices at times.”

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He just knocked on the door and asked for a job.

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He too started his career at the cooperage, he was a cooper for 18 years before he became tour guide and he has been loyal to the Craigellachie company for 41 years. Ronnie hopes to get a chance to visit a Barrique barrel cooperage in France once but he says he just wants to have a look. “I work here because my dad worked here

and I always knew I wanted to be a cooper.” The men put out between 15 and 25 casks each; there are only men. “Unfortunately, we don’t have any female coopers yet, we had two applicants in the last two years but none of them made it.”, Ronnie says.

The ringing of metal on metal pierces the air followed by the dull echo of the reverberating wood. Ronnie closes the window, the noise is suddenly locked

“We recently got bought by a French group, TFF. All they did was put up a French flag outside, nothing changed.”

The enterprise was sold to Tonnellerie Francois Frère in 2008, because the Taylor family could not find a family member willing to take over the reigns, according to the Scotsman, but it was not for lack of demand - what was once a dying craft is now expanding and growing. The cooperage has operations in the US, where the wood is sourced, they operate one cooperage in Alloa, Scotland and one in the heart of Whisky country, Speyside.

out of the visitor’s balcony. A cooper rolls a cask on its edge, tilted at a 45-degree angle, he steers it effortlessly from the outside of the workshop to his work bench.

Did you konw?

The emperor is dead BY: Mike taylor Over 30,000 attended the funeral of Joshua Norton. Norton declared himself Emperor of the United States (and Protector of Mexico) 157 years ago. And everybody just went with it. He moved to San Francisco in the 1840’s and invested in real estate and Peruvian rice, where he lost most of his fortune. Growing disillusioned with American politics, in 1859 he wrote “At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton...declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these U.S.” He added the title of Protector of Mexico later. He produced his own currency, which was accepted in establishments across San Francisco and issued numerous decrees on matters of the state and advocated the formation of a “League of Nations”. In one instance, Norton was arrested under suspicion of a mental disorder. The emperor’s arrest outraged citizens and campaigns to release Emperor Norton were launched. Upon release and for the remainder of his reign, Norton was saluted by SF Police who passed by.

PLASTIC RAP BY: KIERAN TOWLER

Two figures swiftly glide from shadow to shadow. Sporadic hissing sounds accompany their every movement. A chemical smell lingers. A peculiar chorus emanates throughout as an incongruous melody of distant sirens and chirping birds merges with the sound of the whistling paint cans. As the two silhouettes drift from side to side, indistinguishable shapes slowly become visible on the wall ahead. These undefinable shapes gradually transform into a dark mass covering the length and height of the wall, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s true appearance obscured by the night. One of the figures fumbles in his backpack. A white glow penetrates the darkness. Both of them step back, one shining a torch.

The sight is spectacular. Huge letters span the wall, contorted and intertwining, saturated with colour and a multitude of intriguing details. The two men also become visible. Both are dressed in black apparel. One sports a luminous orange baseball cap underneath his hood, his â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Daffy Duckâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; appearance compromised slightly by a camouflage of colorful paint stains. They begin to chatter. One takes a photograph with his mobile phone. A bang resonates from nearby as a car door shuts. Heads swivel. Two white lights appear in the not-so-distant darkness. A voice calls out. One of the men spins round and there is sharp clatter as he lets a paint can fall to the ground. He attempts to sprint in the opposite direction only to be restrained by his accomplice.

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It’s fine remember!

As the lights approach, flashes of fluorescent yellow and glowing reflective strips emanate from behind the piercing white beams. A voice bellows. “What do we have here then?” The source of the lights becomes apparent. Two men approach, wearing stab-proof vests. An officer shines his torch against the wall and glares at the graffiti. The corners of his mouth tighten, his jaw twitches. His eyes dart between the two paint splattered men, he suffers them a condescending glare. “Alright boys, it’s over, you’re lifted.” The other office reaches for his belt and equips a set of handcuffs. “Right, come on. You’re done” The man with the orange cap responds with a grin. “It’s legal.” “Eh?” “It’s only cellophane.” “What?” “It’s cellophane, on the wall, just pull it off.” Both officers turn pale with dismay. The man with the cap laughs. “We’re not done til’ the writing’s on the wall!”

BLANDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S FASHION

BLAND FASHION Knowing that people from abroad have different fashion sense, Bland asked three foreigners to completely change their everyday style and look more British.

BY: zanda litvina and Giulia Bottaro

This month in Bland we look at differences in foreign and British fashion.

BLAND’S FASHION

DWI VENDREDI, 26, INDONESIA Dwi says that even when he is going to his part-time work, he enjoys looking smart and fashionable. He likes to match his black coat with a colourful scarf, straight jeans and boots to feel warm.

BLAND’S FASHION

His British friends prefer to have a simpler look. They normally wear light blue jeans, dark hoodies and white sneakers for a comfortable look. They also like to emphasize their laid back style with accessories like a soft drink bottle.

BLAND’S FASHION

DORI BACSA, 21, HUNGARY Dori says that during the day she likes to look casual. She enjoys mixing mum jeans with simple tops and comfortable shoes. Dori likes to keep hair in a ponytail or just let it loose.

BLAND’S FASHION

Her British friends prefer maintaining a more girly look by wearing floral clothing and stylish tops. They love mixing colourful shorts with crop tops and open toe sandals. A messy hairstyle is also preferable.

BLAND’S FASHION

LINDA SILINA, 24, LATVIA Linda says that on a night out she goes for a simple dress, black tights and flat shoes to feel more comfortable. She likes to keep her hair in a ponytail so she could enjoy the dance floor fully.

BLANDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S FASHION

Her British girlfriends normally pick short, sleeveless dresses, matching purses and high heels. They prefer to have their hair loose or in a high ponytail for a more dramatic look.

Thanks for everything!

-Julie newmar

BY: MIKE TAYLOR PHOTOGRAPY: MAx MARKLE, MIKE TAYLOR, DORA BACSA MODELS: JOSHUA GRAHAM, MAX MARKLE, MIKE TAYLOR MAKE UP: GIULIA BOTTARO

The modern man is something thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s constantly attempting to define itself. As the Feminist movement liberates women, so men are also set free. Although many will argue society still has a long way to go, we have certainly come a long way. While women are told they need to dress nice and doll themselves up to look socially acceptable, men are embraced for their natural features - beards have been popular fashion for several years now. Originally, we had planned a photoshoot of several women stripped of their makeup. But why should women have to dress down? Why canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t men dress up?

So we did.

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It was splendid. It’s weird seeing the transformation. I didn’t feel like less of a man...but I didn’t feel any more of a man, either. It was also pretty eye-opening to realise just how long it takes girls to do thei makeup every day.”

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Getting the makeup on was really unpleasant but actually wearing the makeup didn’t feel unnatural. I forgot about wearing it - I nearly left uni with it on. It was nice, actually. It was quite liberating because I realised I didn’t give a shit about wearing makeup and I didn’t feel odd.

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I actually wore the manliest clothes I had for this. It’s an interesting change, adding all the makeup, I wouldn’t think it was weird if any of my guy friends did it, but it’s not something that’s for me. I don’t think I could ever sit and go through this process every day.

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Ebony & Ivory BY: KIERAN TOWLER

Chess. The thinking manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s game. Kings, Queens, Pawns, Knights, Rooks and Bishops. Think again, thinking man.

For Chess as we know it today, or at least the terms for some of the games famous playing pieces, have been formed by a culmination of visual misinterpretation and translational errors. Naturally, Chess has evolved hugely since its conception in India. The pieces themselves however, have developed more confusion than evolution. The Bishops, for example, were assigned this title due to their two pronged hats. In their original form however, these figures were intended to represent elephants which were often used in Colonial Warfare. The two pronged head in-fact symbolises their ivory tusks. ‘Rukh’, is an ancient Sanskrit word for an armoured Chariot. It is widely believed that this word was at some point confused with the Italian word ‘rocca’ meaning fortress.

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It is through this Chinese Whisper’esque fashion that the Rook and the Bishop in their current forms were introduced into the modern game. If you have ever pondered the relevance of inanimate towers and ordained religious members in a board-game which is said to represent an almighty battle, then you probably have too much time on your hands. But for those who have dwelled on such a subject, put your mind at ease. Armoured Chariots and masquerading elephants certainly seem more coherent with the image of a raging battlefield, and although the board-game itself may seem estranged from the carnage on which it is based, war itself isn’t all about the fighting. In a war, you must think first before you move.

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STORM IN A TEA CUP BY: MIKE TAYLOR There have been few things in history that have sparked a debate that has so gripped the nation, setting brother against brother in times of hardship and strife: how to correctly make a cup of tea. Today, the argument reaches its boiling point.

Do we put the milk before or after the boiling water?

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Tensions brew between “Mifters” and “Tifters” meaning “Milk-infirst” and “Tea-in-First” - over how to make a cup of tea in the right way. Despite the ever-growing popularity of coffee, tea is still seen as the standard British drink but is there a “correct” way of doing it? Half the UK population would say that putting the milk in first is the right way to go and there is evidence to support this, according to the Guardian. There is a historical context as well. Vic Smith of Uxbridge claims that, in times when milk wasn’t as safe as it is today (read: full of pretty gross bacteria), adding boiling water to the milk was believed to have killed off any germs. Before the wonderful invention of the tea bag, adding the milk first would keep the tea leaves at the bottom (which actually works).

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The Royal Society of Chemistry declared that Mifting was the way to go. Although their method of creating the fabled perfect cup required a stopwatch, a thermometer, a comfortable couch (armchair acceptable), and a microwave oven. They also advise, for reasons undisclosed, drinking from a mug – never a cup. Of course, critics of milk first would argue that these are all unnecessary adherences to tradition. We have pasteurisation of milk to keep it edible for longer and tea bags to keep the leaves in. Maybe George Orwell said it best. In his 1946 essay A Nice Cup of Tea he warned of adding too much milk if you go for the milk-first-method.

At the risk of putting myself in some seriously hot water, I enlisted the services of my dutiful flatmate, Mark, who made me three cups of tea. One in which the milk was poured first, one where the milk was poured prior to taking the teabag out, and one where the milk was poured after the teabag was removed. I had thought there would be no difference whatsoever but I was able to identify the milk-first cup straight away. Not because the taste was different but because it was slightly colder. This too The

happens because, as Orwell argued, much cold milk was added to the cup. other two cups, however, tasted identical.

The thing about taste is that it is - surprisingly - subjective and having a debate about what tastes better is pointless. Can’t we all just get oolong?

A warning from some mothers is that putting the milk first will make your children be ginger, though science is still out on that one. James Bond would be proud of my decision to serve both Queen and Country by getting to the bottom of the topic.

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unplugged BY: Giulia bottaro

A DAY WITHOUT MEDIA

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People like to distract themselves from the dullness of everyday life in different ways. The most common of these is media. In the 2010 study “The World Unplugged”, researchers asked 1000 university students from different countries to spend 24 hours without any of those – no phones, no television, no books, no Internet, no music – and write a personal reflection about it. Participants mostly felt anguished, depressed, lonely. Many reflected on what media means for them and how much time we spend on them. Personally, I found these results shocking. Don’t these people have friends and lives? I thought, wondering if it might be the case for me as well. So, I decided to experience a full day without media too. I picked a day when I had lectures and arrangements for the night - if I were to choose a day with absolutely no plans I would have gone insane. Usually, I spend those days pretending to do uni work and watching movies - Two activities that involve my laptop. I had two rules: I could use my phone for the morning alarm and to receive calls, and I could indirectly use media, for instance I could stay in a place where music was playing. Otherwise, I might as well have spent a day in the woods. My day started with a failure: I sent a text to a friend. It was necessary and I didn’t want to

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give up. In the study, the researchers encouraged people to just note the mistake and keep going. I engaged in all my usual morning activities, but I was a bit confused, I didn’t know what to think about. Usually, I would wake up and reply to messages or emails, check Facebook and the news. I was starting with a blank mind. I let it wander even though I was a little bit afraid of letting my thoughts stray. All that freedom was scary, even. I showered with no music, staring at the tiles on the wall. I started singing but remembering a full song is not amongst my talents so I blessed my flatmate with a weird mashup of musicals, old Italian pop music and nonsense techno lyrics. I usually enjoy that moment of the day when I put cream on my face gently and give myself a little bit of love and care. This time I was mostly bored, I sped up. Breakfast was the same – my coffee, my beloved coffee, which I always sip with pleasure, got finished quick. Wasted. When my flatmate turned on his speakers, I felt like I was listening to the most beautiful song in the world. I actually wrote down the title and listened to it the day after.I It was nice but didn’t have the same flavour. I went to my lecture with no headphones, which was bearable. Please note that I was using my phone to check the time and I had

to stare at an electronic board in order to follow the class. But I take notes on notebooks anyways so it was all good. Afterwards, I went home for lunch. It was a loooong one. I didn’t want to rush it like the coffee because it’s unhealthy and then I would have had so much more time to spare. I decided to taste every single bite as if I was a critic or something. It didn’t last long so I sat by the window and started a series of philosophical thoughts while eating my pasta. At the end, it was me in front of an empty plate and some minutes to spare before getting up and washing the dishes. I like to wait a second before getting up after food. If I’m alone, I would spend it on my phone or laptop or a book. This time, I spent it on a poster. Yes, a poster.. In my living room there is a Trainspotting poster with Renton’s quote, “Choose life”. I spent my post-meal five minutes reading it with the most Scottish accent I could. I feel I mastered it by the end, my Ls and Rs sound rolled enough in my opinion. This is what happens on a media free day: you get creative. You get active, you don’t waste your time. You jump from an activity to another without checking how many likes the picture of your meal got on Instagram. I washed so many dishes, tidied up my room, hoovered the floor with all my heart and effort. I was mindful as well because I had

no choice other than focus on what I was doing. I went food shopping and, since I had a lot of time to spend before my next activity of the day (friends coming over for baking after dinner – and it was 5pm), it was the most accurate one I’ve ever done in my life. I came back home and… washed more dishes. The desperation was on. What do people do when they don’t read or watch something? I don’t do crafting. We are losing touch with making things, with the practical side of life. However, I embraced the massive freedom of thinking I was afraid of this morning. It was great. My mind was going to forgotten and unexplored places. No, I had not taken acid: it was a sort of constant mindfulness throughout the day. Count the amount of hours you spend on media each day, if you have to give up on them, you are revolutionising your life. I felt incredibly free. Free from group chats, stupid posts, lame pictures. Free from the constant scrolling which I realise I’m addicted to. I just do it! I know it’s wrong and counterproductive but I keep doing it. The scroll must go on? We all are better than that. My friends came around and we started baking. I had handwritten the recipe the day before to avoid using the Internet.

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We survived without music and had a nice conversation going on. When they were checking their phones, I couldn’t. I have always believed that it’s something rude to do and on this occasion I just reinforced my rule of never doing it when I’m around people. Before bed, I washed more dishes. I wasn’t tired and didn’t know what to do. I went to sleep with a sense of accomplishment and having learnt a lot. The next day, I woke up and didn’t frantically check my messages, email and social media. I thought I could do a bit more time without them, and waited until breakfast. Staying a day without media was a sort of luxury, rather than an anguishing experience. Whenever I feel anxious now, I put my phone in another room. It mostly works. Since that day, I feel I have been spending less time on social media. If you feel addicted too, there is a website that calculates how many hours of your life you have spent on Facebook. Check it and I’m sure in most cases you will want to burn everything and go live in a cave. Moral of the story: we all suck because we are addicted to media and if we decide to have a media free day we should leave plenty of dirty dishes in the sink.

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Did you konw?

Thethe fight of the fight of the fight of the emus emus the emus BY: Mike taylor

BY: MIKE TAYLOR

BY: Mike taylor

Commanded by Major G.P.W Meredith, Australian troops declared war on the avian Emu in October, 1932. The birds numbered 20,000 and were renowned for their dreaded raids of wheat crops; crippling already struggling farmers across Australia. Immediately, the army was halted due to “poor weather conditions” but the brave soldiers carried on, eventually sighting 50 emus. An attempt to ambush the avians failed. Days later, another ambush was attempted near a dam. Over 1,000 emus were sighted and the gunners, who had learned to wait until the emus were in range, opened fire close-quarters. Their guns jammed and only a dozen birds were felled. Major Meredith was ordered to withdraw on the 8th of November. He compared them to warriors. He said “They can face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks. They are like Zulus, who even dum-dum-bullets could not stop.”

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113 Picture by: emukiwi - emu Flickr

A grey, triangle-shaped moth is circling around a dim table lamp. The gentle buzz of its wings is accompanied by a rapid pen clicking sound.

not much to do and we get to spend the days together.” He continues pressing the buttons for nearly 20 minutes. He presses the right button and slightly tilts his body to the right, then he touches the left button and slants to the left. Suddenly Femi throws his phone angrily and shouts: “I almost beat my record in Snake! I better get myself a cup of coffee.”

The two noises syncronise and are disrupted when the insect hits the hot light bulb. The intense clicking stops instantly and the burnt moth lands on a wooden computer table. The light brown wooden floor creaks when heavy footsteps start approaching the desk. A buff male silhouette lets out a small burst of air out through his nostrils as he wipes the dead creature off the computer table. He then pulls a chair, lets out a tired sigh and starts hitting the keyboard keys. His masculine features instantly become visible as the monitor’s blue hue brightens the room. A name badge attached to his shirt reads ‘Femi – Night Porter’.

I spent the night with

He then walks to the dining area and switches on a toaster. He takes two slices of white bread from a tiny aluminium fridge and toasts them. Femi grabs six packages of jam and three packages of butter and slides them in his bum bag. The table is covered with bread crumbs and spilled coffee marks.

Femi lifts both of his eyebrows, takes off his dark brown hat and says: “Again! No new reservations for tonight. I guess, it’s just going to be me here. “Just a couple of months ago it was still really intense for us night porters. New customers were arriving every night; I always had to run from one room to another to help the guests out. Not anymore, you know. I’m lucky to get one or two new guests per night. People seem to have abandoned Aberdeen. “I like being busy at work, I like helping people. I could even say it’s my calling.” Femi then opens his tiny, beige bum bag and reaches for his phone, but accidentally drops it on the floor. He cries out initially but rapidly picks the phone up. His Nokia 3610 beeps and he giggles quietly. He then starts typing with a lasting grin on his face. Femi says: “My wife just texted me, she’s a night porter as well. It’s good to work at nights, because there is

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He quickly walks to the bar area, plugs in the coffee machine and makes a cappuccino with marshmallows on top. Steam covers Femi’s face as he continuously blows the hot beverage.

FEMI, THE NIGHT PORTER BY: ZANDA LITVINA

He speaks while chewing: “I shouldn’t be taking this bread, but we don’t have enough guests to finish it. It annoys me when people throw away good food. “I probably should wipe the table, but the cleaner is coming in soon anyway. I think I will just leave it this time.” Femi slowly walks back to the reception area. He crouches and looks under the table while pulling out a white mattress. He then takes a pillow and lies down. He says while yawning: “I’m just going to rest for a couple of minutes and then continue the paperwork. It’s not easy to be awake all night long.” Femi closes his eyes and the spacious, dark room is soon filled with a sound of light snoring.

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SATURDAY 4TH JUNE 2016 TEN PM UNTIL THREE AM // £5 ENTRY

DJ FORMAT