The Beat Within
The Beat Within • A Weekly Publication of Writing and Art from the Inside • Volume A 17.27/28
Since the beginning, I was “set up for failure.” Set up with a dad, who was never there. Set up with a mom, who never cared. Dad got in the game Sold kilos of cocaine. Always around that shhh He’d never be the same. Because, like his victims, he took that shhh Straight to the brain. Uneducated and unemployed Forced to do wrong. Then, sent to prison Six years of his life gone. Mom’s another story. Categorized as too crazy Too crazy, to even take care of her own baby. She had to “drop the ball” Before I could even crawl ‘Cause Daddy hit a wall with the law. That’s the day she looked up Realized she was fed up So, she gave up Gave up, when I needed somebody to love me. read the rest of John’s POW piece on page 12
editor’s note
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Editor’s Note Volume A 17.27/28
W
elcome back Beat readers, to yet another fabulous issue of writing and art from the inside. This superb double issue (17.27 and 17.28), delivers plenty of insightful and creative pieces to inspire and to challenge us to see our lives as well as others in new meaningful ways. We hope if anything, The Beat Within entries, by our amazingly talented young people, gives you all a chance to realize why you should never judge a book by it’s cover, as our young people take on our various writing prompts, as well as their own topics. This week we ask our dear friend Cynthia Hanlon, who leads our writing and conversation classes in Santa Clara County Juvenile Hall to write this week’s editorial note. We challenged her, after we heard how upset she was when she found out cookies that she left for her students to enjoy, were instead eaten by someone in the system. When we heard her frustration, we knew she had to take on the task to write this issue’s editorial note. With that said, we give you our incredibly loyal colleague, Cynthia. I’m sitting at my computer, while I try to dig deep in my thoughts to talk about “Respect” but the only thing that keeps coming to my mind right about now is the song and lyrics sung by Aretha Franklin, “Respect”. Her song is admired by many generations but what is the true meaning of Respect? In Aretha’s song the theme is, “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right.” Respect is something that we would all like to receive but too often we forget to give it back. How do we acquire the ability to show respect? Is it something we are taught or is it apart of our personalities? Many probably don’t think about it but it is something we are taught by either modeled from an older sibling, family member or an adult in one’s life. Parents put too much pressure on schools and teachers to teach respect to children. Teachers try to create a respectable environment in their classroom by making classroom rules to create a positive environment but parents need to reinforce the similar rules at home too. Respect begins at an early age and parents must reinforce respect and model it to their children. To me, respect is a difficult circumstance to define. Many times a situation or conversation gets misunderstood and a relationship between people diminish. For one to show respect to someone one has to listen to someone’s ideas, help someone when needed or ask them for help, but, too often many are opinionated with negative thoughts or body language that may send the wrong message between people. Respect can be lost in an instant, one word, one decision or one action can lose a person their respect. People can spend their entire lives thinking of ways to earn respect from others but unless one does something they will never get it. What prompted me to think about and revaluate respect and how it effects the youths in today’s society, was an incident that occurred between an authority adult figure and a group of youths. I had left some treats for a group of kids, because they have showed such courage and strength through their writings. Over the last several weeks these kids have opened up about their fears, love and new hope for the future. A strong bond of friendship has grown so powerful between me and these kids. So, the least I could do was leave them a package of cookies, something that may seem so small but to them it meant so much. I followed up the following week with them and asked if they enjoyed the treats? They replied, “What treats?” I said, “I left treats for you” and they replied we did not get them. I mentioned what they were and they replied that a staff member ate them and not just ate them, but did so in front of these kids. I was upset, but I did not let the group know. A few words were exchanged between me and the staff and the treats were going to get replaced by the person who ate them, but, how can these youths show respect to this adult, when they have been disrespected? How can an adult be so immature to take something that did not belong to them? I know that many youths have mentioned in the past about respecting one another and the respect they also receive, but I don’t want this incident to change one’s thoughts on respect. Just because an adult acted so child like, don’t let their disrespectful behavior take the best of you. Respect is the cornerstone of society in which we all live; it’s similar to the foundation of a building. If the foundation is not strong enough then nothing positive will be able to build and grow, neighbors will not get along and members of the communities will not look after one another. Just like friendship, respect is needed so people can trust one another, and a healthy community can grow. This is my view on respect, since we all come from different walks of life, different ages you may have your own opinion on what respect means to you. We learned respect from different individuals during our early childhood to adulthood, so our view will differ, it’s natural. But, in
the end to be friends there must always be respect and trust which will help form ever lasting relationships. To those that I personally work with, your respect to The Beat program and myself leaves me speechless. Your friendship, gratefulness and strength have kept me coming back to Santa Clara Juvenile Hall each week for the last several years. Your respect is very much appreciated by many. Thank you Cynthia, for such an articulate piece of writing. We respect you and most definitely respect our courageous writers who share their truths with us each week. This issue goes out to those who respect The Beat, and use our forum to help in shaping their lives and others for the better.
Topics for issue 17.27, 1. Would you rather? - Now pick one, and give us the details as to why. A one sentence answer will not do. a) Would you rather leap tall buildings in a single bound, like Superman, or be able to run as fast as the Flash? b) Would you rather receive $5 a day for the rest of your life or receive $50,000 right here, right now? 2. I can always depend on? - Who’s your ‘go-to’ person, or place, or thing? Tell us when things get hard, or when your happy, who is your go to person and why? What is it about that special ‘goto’ place? Is there a place like no other? Maybe it’s a thing, tell us of that object, that gives you comfort, security and support like no other. All right Beat writers in detail tell us about that ‘go-to’ person, place or thing! 3. Un-stuck from the rut - We are creatures of habit, and we do what we know how to do. If you’re gonna change the momentum in your life, then something dramatic has to happen to get you to change. This week list, describe and explain the last three things you did that were out of your normal character or routine. If you can’t think of the last three things you did out of character, then simply share some things in your life, that you have done over time, that were out of “the norm.” A word from the wise, quote of the week “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” George Bernarnd Shaw, professional writer, born 1856 Have you ever heard of this person? If so, how and when did you hear of them? How do you feel about this thought? Do you agree or disagree, why? How can you apply this idea to your life? Topics for 17.28 1. To Live Without - What can you live without? Usually the question is what you “couldn’t” live without, but what are 5 things you could live without? Dig deep, and as always, do not just give us a list, tell us in detail what you personally could live without. 2. To Forgive - What do you all think? Given where you sit today, and what you have experienced in your young life, do you think it’s easier to forgive someone’s misdeeds against you, or easier to forgive yourself for your offenses against others? 3. Getting older - What is an ideal or belief that got totally destroyed as you got older? Tell us what that ideal/belief was, and how it was introduced to you as a child, and then give us the story when you realize this ideal/belief was no longer the case. How did you come to terms with finding out? Who told you? What did you see or not see? Examples may include: Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, my God is the only God, or adults know everything. A word from the wise, quote of the week “The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.” Vince Lombardi, professional football coach, born 1913 Have you ever heard of this person? If so, how and when did you hear of them? How do you feel about this thought? Do you agree or disagree, why? How can you apply this idea to your life?
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Tablesof of contents tables
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Table of Contens Volume A 17.27/28
The Beat Within, a bi-weekly publication of writing and art by incarcerated youth, is pub-
Pieces of the week
At The Beat Within, we go through a lot of trouble to censor inappropriate sexual remarks, foul language, and gang references. There is enough tension in our commuities already–we don’t aim to bolster it. It is in The Beat’s interest to promote peace and unity. Our goal is to educate one another.
Co-Pieces of the week
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Standouts
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lished by Pacific News Service.
The Beat Within publishes the opinions and views expressed by the participants in our workshops. This is simply the pure voice of the youth. The views you read do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher, editor or staff. All rights are reserved. Nothing from this publication can be reproduced without our written permission. To our writers: What you write could be hazardous to you. Your words have consequences, and could be used to incriminate you. Try to illuminate your feelings and viewpoints without running the risk of providing ammunition for those who might use your words against you. Co–founders: Sandy Close and David Inocencio Senior Editor: David Inocencio Program Director: Lisa Lavaysse Graphics/Layout Editor: Manen Pau Our Summer 2012 Interns: Kristen Sueing, Simone Larsen, Sonya Brunswick, Dani Guo, and Ariel Goodman
Alameda .............. 26
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San Francisco ........ 35 Santa Clara .......... 42 Santa Cruz ........... 52 Marin ................ 55 Monterey ............. 56 Solano ............... 58
San Francisco: Pauline Craig, Oona Appel, Jessica James Cansdon, Ashley Sozzi, Stacy Wanless, Anhvu Buchanan, Meg Escude, Kirsten Dau, Roxanne Caires, and Nora Dwyer
We would like to thank Stat
Alameda: Sheerly Avni, Peggy Simmons, Kevin Stark, Miranda Perry, Katya Cengel, Qawi Harvard, Sarah Ikemoto, Dom Brassey, Dario Serrano, and Michelle Wilson Santa Cruz: Jill Wolfson, Dennis Morton, Gwendolyn Hubner, and Kim Nelson
Delivery Service, Inc for their generous support.
Santa Clara: Sherman Scholten, Allison Horevitz, Megan Boyle, Christina Hanlon, Cynthia Hanlon, Meredith Wheeler, Stephanie Morrison, Eileen Mariano, Lily Steyer, and Jennifer McClenon Marin: Kathy Ellison and Pauline Craig Solano: Johanna Calica, Nic Alea, Cynthia Stone, Lisa Lavaysse and David Inocencio Fresno: Mai Der Vang, Brian Costa, and Liliana Romero Monterey: Sam Peterson and Sarah D’Amico Los Angeles: Josh Parr, Clarissa De La Torre, Yvette Ordaz, Offer Oganzy, Monica Monarez, and Megan Beck San Diego: Irene Dominquez San Bernardino: Jennifer Tilton and the University of Redlands Riverside: Jennifer Boyea Hawaii: Dina Brooks and Doug Fetterly Portland, Oregon: Deb Arthur, Portland State University Washington, DC: Khalil Abdullah, Suzanne Dhere, and Free Minds Bernalillio County, New Mexico Beat: Steve Serna and Lisa Santoyo Dona Ana County, New Mexico: Voices Behind Walls - Lee Rhyanes Tuscumbia, Alabama: Susan Pope Marietta RYDC in Marietta, Georgia: JJIE, John Fleming, Ashley Thompson, and Chantalle Colbert Our Volunteers In-and-Out of the Office: Annie Wong, Lisa Lavaysse, Jane Robbins, and Nancy DeMartini Our Partners at Southern Exposure, San Francisco: Courtney Fink, Aimee Shapiro, Michelle Wilson, and Meg Escude Beat Supporters: Alameda County Probation Department, The Bill Graham Foundation, California Community Foundation, Community Foundation of the National Capital Region, Community Foundation of Santa Cruz County, Community Foundation of Silicon Valley, Cricket Island Foundation, DC Children and Youth Trust Corp., Donor Circle of the Arts, The Germanacos Foundation, Good Works Foundation, Kahle/Austin Foundation, Los Angeles County Office of Education, Marin Community Foundation , Morris and Gwendolyn Cafritz Foundation, The Nelson Fund, The Philip L. Graham Foundation, Portland State University, San Francisco Arts Commission, San Francisco Department of Children Youth and Families, San Francisco Foundation, Santa Cruz County Office of Education, Santa Cruz County Juvenile Hall, Solano County Office of Education, Solano Garbage Company, The Thomas J. Long Foundation, The Whitman Institute, Van Loben Sels/Rembe Rock Foundation, and our individual donors. Writers: Thanks to all the participants in our writing workshops. If you have any questions or comments about The Beat Within, contact us at: 275 Ninth St. SF.CA. 94103 or call (415) 5034170 or check us out at: www.thebeatwithin.org
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From The Beat: Beat favorite, Ms. Webb once again steps up to inspire and share her priceless knowledge with all of us Beat readers. We are always touched by her consistency and love for the work she does so well. We also know there are many other counselors out there doing great things, and we’d love to hear from them too. As for her piece, we too are saddened to see the repeating cycle of juvenile deviance. Something must be done to stop the perpetual violence. It must be a community effort. Thank you again Ms. Webb!!
Listen Up!
I’m tired of going to funerals due to violence in the streets. The bickering and fighting, gangs and violence. Young children destroying their lives over pennies and nickels, running but not moving. Complaining and wanting somebody to help them, but pushing away the help. Wanting to be grown but continuing to come to, as the kids say, “daycare” aka juvenile hall. As I write my heart is sad, because funeral homes are getting rich while the grave sights are getting full, schools are getting empty. I’m part of the help. Make a choice and stand up for what’s right. Make a difference and stop pointing the blame on the police, the staff, teachers, parents and so on. And ask yourself, ‘Are you part of the problem or are you part of the solution?’ -Ms. Webb, Alameda County, Juvenile Justice Center, Counselor
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Bad Step-Dad
I feel like no one understands me ‘cause they never been in my shoes. Growin’ up was the worst. Molested, beaten and used. Terrified to wake up the next day, scared my life I would lose. If I had one wish, a better childhood I would choose. He tortured me physically and mentally just for his amuse. All I ever wanted was for Mama to know the truth. But she couldn’t handle the information, she didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry for all the pain that I accidentally put you through. No matter what, you’re my Mama and I’ll always love you. -Aleigha, Alameda
From The Beat: Most people feel that no one understands them because they haven’t been in the exact same situation, but it’s the emotion that results from the situation, more than the situation itself, that counts. Who do you turn to for help and support in a time like that? That unconditional love you have for your mother is so remarkable. Never be sorry for telling the truth, no matter how your mother or anyone else may take it. You owe it to yourself and to society to bring forth that injustice.
Passing
One day I got mad because my Dad died. I know I don’t know him like that but sometimes I think about him not that he died. But what I remember about that day was my sister telling me to stay strong and don’t let this break you down but always keep your head up and I love you lil bruh. So ever since that day I cry because I’m in here and I miss my family. So I hope I go home soon. -DelliyBo, Alameda
From The Beat: We are sorry to hear about your loss. It must be tough to lose a relative. But in the midst of all of the trauma, your sister was there to support you. Now that is love.
Just Don’t Quit
In life you’ll make mistakes as we all do And it seems like you don’t have enough to make due. Your faith may be low And the tide real high And you can’t get above water No matter how hard you try. If you feel at the end and say This is it, stop and take a breather But just don’t quit. Your journey may be full Of twists and curves But if you hold on tight You can make it through the swerves. If you stay the course When you’re down and out You may be amazed At how quickly things turn around. Don’t give up before The race is done Just take one more step. And then another one. The end is near Though it appears to be far You’ll be surprised to know How far you are. Here’s something to recall When your path is darkest lit As darkest before the dawn And you can make it if you just don’t quit. -David, Santa Clara
From The Beat: What an inspirational poem! With patience, diligence, and hope, we can make it through anything. Thank you for sharing such a moving piece!
Dance With The Devil
At a very young age, I started my dance with the devil. My dance at first was good. I had the best time. But after a while, my dance got very sloppy. My dance with the devil got dangerous. I started to get loose with people I was close to, going to jail and coming close to death but during all of this, I was blinded by the devil’s great dancing and I was having so much fun I didn’t care about everything around me. But then it got so hot my feet gave out and my legs got weak and my dance just kept going. I really don’t want to keep going but I just can’t stop. So take it from me that the street life will burn you up and if the devil asked you to dance, you better say never because a dance with the devil may last forever. -Joseph, Alameda
From The Beat: This is a very metaphorical piece. You describe this extremely well. Tell us where you stand with this dance now. Have you been able to get off the floor? You should get into creative writing. We look forward to your next piece!
Upside Down
Smiley faces upside down. A mean mugging frown. Walk around my town. Best believe I hold my ground. Click clack, time is ticking. Grandma always telling me: Look mijo, listen. But never did I do it. Now her tears are drippin’ Down her face. Got me reminiscin’. What can I do to make it better? I’ll do anything for you Instead of losing you forever. I love you, Grandma. -Locie, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: This poem takes such a loving turn. We hope you’ll send it to your grandmother. We guarantee you that each line is worth at least one hundred tears.
Reflection
I have to take the time to reflect on my actions because all I have is time sitting in a cell, wishing life had a button that says rewind, but it doesn’t, and that means whatever life throws at me I have to take as a man. But, I’m not a man! I’m just a young boy that needs guidance in life, to guide me from wrong, to guide me to right, because every time I hit them streets, they seem to suck me in so deep, so deep, that I can’t get back, until I’m on that slab and I’m laying on my back thinking about all the wrong I did and how I’m just a kid causing so much destruction, trying to get to something from nothing and not caring how wrong it was as long as it benefited me. Not able to see how much good than bad I have deep down within me. Not able to see that my friends weren’t friends and they had no loyalty. Not able to see that the word “family” was just another word without a definition to me. But, one thing I can see is success, maybe it’s just a dream. But, me living life at its best and I know I have to start now. I’m just waiting to get put to the test. -Shawn, Alameda From The Beat: Reflection is the best way to learn from our past. In your past you say you’ve caused a lot of destruction. What will you do to build back up what has been broken?
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I’ve Just Run Out
I was chillin’ in my room when I got the bad news. They told me a homie got popped and I caught the blues. I was stressing out, with a whole lot of anger. He was a homie I grew up with. He wasn’t a stranger. He was out on the streets, so you know, he was in danger. Now he’s up in the sky, so I know he’s doing alright. It’s hard not to see him. I was always by his side. So this got me feeling, like I’d just gone blind. I know I’ll see him again, up in the sky, Posted up, telling stories, like we did all the time. I’m feeling kind a weary but there’re no tears coming out. After all I’ve been through, it seems like I’ve just run out. -Luis, Santa Cruz
Sinner
I am a natural born sinner. I am put in this world expected to sin. I am not the perfect human being; if anything I am the ideal statistic color that means in this world you will be misjudged and that people will make wrong accusations of you. The only thing I can do is put forth effort and try to make a change. I am a black man. -Samaad, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Sadly, we do not live in a post-racial society. Many times, we are judged by the color of our skin. However, it is your duty not to play into negative stereotypes, but to challenge them with smart decisions and success.
From The Beat: Beautiful piece Luis. You’ve said it all. No need for us to say anything, except ‘thank you’ for sharing it with us.
The Thoughts... $5 A Day Or 50K At Once
I would not want to receive $5 a day for the rest of my life, because I don’t know when I’m going to die. I don’t know when I’m going to die, because I’m a gang member. $50,000 would be really good for my twins. They could have the childhood I never had, full of toys and games. I would buy a safe, but nice care, and I would keep five grand for myself, for my own expenses. Like sending money to my homies in the pen, and sending money to my aunt for all that she’s done for me. That’s why I would rather have 50K instead of $5 a day. -The All At Once Man, Santa Cruz From The Beat: You have a good heart. And a good head. Your math is sound. You might become a decent legitimate business man someday.
10 Things We Can’t Live Without
1. Money – you need money to take care of yourself 2. Police – our brains would be splattered everywhere 3. Businesses – because we need to work 4. Transportation – feet, busses, legs, all that 5. Lips – you can get a lot of places by just talking and meeting people 6. Parents – ‘Cause you need them to tell you what’s wrong and right 7. Rules – if there wasn’t no rules, everything would be out of place, a disaster, out of control 8. Farming – where food grows. Vegetables, water, tomatoes, all that 9. Logic – without it, you couldn’t tell lies from truth 10. Freedom – without tit, you can’t do nothing on your own. -Mg, Alameda
From The Beat: You are right, these are all things we can’t live without. We really like your last two choices, “logic and freedom”. What would life be like without these?
Little Brother
I got a little brother, but he don’t play the drums. He’s posted with the homies. Says, when can I come up? He wants to do what I’ve done and climb the same ladder. That’s my little brother, trying to follow this shadow. Told him I want him, to do good, not bad. It was ten or eleven, and he wasn’t at his pad. Seven years old. In a couple, he’ll be strapped. -T, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: This is sad, moving, and very well done. You’re a poet T. Keep it up. Write to your brother. Tell him the truth, in a way he’ll understand.
The dark embrace, that clouds my mind. The clock I see, that shows no time. The sun that sets, and never shines. The thoughts that fill this brain of mine… The kind, that will make your eyes real buggy The ones about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Have you ever seen a snake that’s cuddly? My eyes have seen, what makes you shuddery. There is nothing similar between you and me. You are an ant and I’m a killer bee. Maybe I’m a lion and you are my prey. That’s why we’re both on our toes, everyday And I never change, from June to May. Back in the day, when I was young I could never imagine, this song being sung, And I won’t believe it, until I’m gone. -Giant, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: You’re not gone yet. You’re still here, and still one heck of a poet. We don’t buy the killer bee bit, but we like the way it sounds. Keep writing. One day you’ll be a giant poet.
Taking Things For Granted
Throughout my life, I’ve always been slow to realize the effort people invest on me. I never appreciate it, and always break promises. Throughout my life, even now, I’ve had so many people continuously helping me. I’ve always promised to make changes, but never do. I’m about to become eighteen, and need to become an adult, so I can’t blame the drugs, or being a kid, as an excuse. I have to start taking responsibility. I’ve been told that I’m very manipulative, and a liar. I try my best not to be, but I guess it’s spontaneous, natural. I don’t know if it’s because of my opportunistic personality, or I’m just unconsciously greedy. It makes me guilty when I mess up, because it feels like I’ve let the people who invest on me, down. In the future, I want to repay the people back, when I get my life straightened out. I want to help people who have the same situation as me, like being incarcerated, having an unstable family. I’ve messed up since living with my grandma and auntie, who took me in, when no one could. I’ve messed up with school counselors, social workers. Even today, the staff in here gives me endless gifts and privileges. Just recently, I broke a promise of me having something I wasn’t allowed to, and got in trouble. Seeing the staff in here, disappointed, really got me feeling guilty and thinking. Starting from now on, I’m going to make a promise to myself to not only start changing academically, criminally, but personalitywise. To become a better person, and prove to the people who I let down, that I’m got going to take things for granted. -John, San Francisco From The Beat: You do exude mischief and a love of pranks, but when you con people who care enough about you to help you, you disrespect them. Is what you lack, genuine affection for them? Will it take someone to deny you help when you really do need it, to teach you true gratitude, respect? We hope not.
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Locked Up
Being locked up has been a big learning experience for me. If I was never locked up, I probably would have just kept doing drugs. Being locked up has made me realize life is too short to throw it away the way I was. It has taught me to love and respect my family. It also showed me who my true friends are. Being locked up helped me find God again and helped me to believe again. It also made me realize how much I have hurt my family acting the way I had been. I can’t wait to get out and get my life back on the right track. Without being locked up, I would probably be dead. -Lil Capricorn, Alameda From The Beat: Sometimes it takes an eye-opening experience to promote change within ourselves. You’ve realized some important things while being locked up; how will you keep these realizations in mind when you’re back to living life outside of juvenile hall?
Breaking Point
Being incarcerated is very stressful, but a learning experience. I’ve learned a lot about myself. One thing I’ve learned is, I’m very seclusive, when it comes to internal problems. I don’t want people to worry, so I never express myself enough. I need to stop focusing on others, and think about myself more. Compare my stress and anger with a volcano’s lava and eruption. A volcano is always going to have lava hit, if it stocks up surplus, and it can explode and cause a lot of damage--more damage than just letting a small amount out, that people can handle. I stockpile all this anger and stress in my head, like it’s nothing. But, when I get mad over the smallest things, I just explode. Guilt, sadness, madness, anxiety, fear, just take control of me. I think about all these traumatic and sad memories, and then just feel like fighting, screaming, dying. After my tantrum, I get all depressed, and just want to sleep all day. Sometimes, I feel crazy and embarrassed that I overreacted. I tell myself not to, but it continues to get worse, and is happening more. I’m not the type to expose my problems to other people, because it’s embarrassing, and I don’t find it necessary. “If you laugh, the world will laugh with you, but if you weep, you weep alone.” Sometimes I wish I could just become a baby again with no worries, and cry every day. Ha ha. “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” but, damn, does my mind/stress feel like it is killing me. I’m going to start talking to therapists, and work out more, to calm myself. Not everyone is born perfect. It’s natural. I’ve got to work on maintaining my emotions. In life, you can’t isolate and do everything by yourself, so this is my enlightenment from my “Breaking Point.” -Jk, San Francisco
I Asked You
“What is Joy?” I asked you. “A child’s smile” you replied. Like an unconcerned beam of the Sun’s bright rays, the smile Of a child’s joy. “What is love?” I asked you. “A mother’s tender touch” you said. Like the sweet caress of a Gentle breeze, the touch of a mother Is love. “What is sorrow?” I asked you. “A broken heart” you whispered. Like a shattered dream of So many fallen stars, the ache Of a heart is sorrow “What is change?” I asked you. “A creative of life” you cried. Like a dream come true, creative Is change “What is courage?” I asked you. “A mental strength” you sigh. Like the ability to keep on going, strength Of the mind and heart is courage. -Hendrick, Portland
From The Beat: This is a great poem, your work is inspiring. This piece is so positive because it addresses what is behind these feelings, when so many don’t understand the growth that can be gained from these experiences. Well done.
The Life I Live
The life I live is not who I see When I look into glass for a reflection. The streets are cold, so I adapt. The block is hot, so I take my jacket off. The Beat’s my mode, so there I rap. They give me looks. I laugh them off. How can I feel you When you expect me to be numb to the pain? Men cry in the dark, enough to feel the rain. Life isn’t what you want it to look like So, look for a new life. I’m not what I look like. I’m just trying do right. Take the time to look around, a figure yourself. I’d rather die than drown in the wealth. -Scotty, San Francisco
From The Beat: Are your raging emotions, often felt when you remember traumas from the past, even harder to cope with in juvy, where you have little privacy, and everyone teases/goads each other? Is it partly good that you’re used to dealing with your emotions by yourself, because you’re the one who must control yourself, when you feel you’re about to lose it?
From The Beat: Who are you, whom you don’t see in your mirror? How do you plan to create your own new life? Never let anyone numb you, no matter how much you love her. Although you’re in terrible pain right now, with a rich emotional life like yours, would riches of gold seem superfluous?
A Walk In The Wind
Nothing To Waste
From The Beat: You will find your way home. And part of the way there will be with words. Keep writing. And read your tail off. You already know how to calm yourself down. Good writing.
From The Beat: Wow that is so refreshing to hear, you had some very impressive connections. How do you think helping others will keep you out of trouble? Is there someone else that can help you like you look to help others that could a
There’s a shadow that follows me everywhere. It could be light, or it could be darkness. The clock is ticking and the time is running. Many voices in my head that don’t let me think. Fire in my heart that gives me rage. But a walk on the street calms me down. And the sound of the wind cools me down. But as distance goes, I can’t get away. There’s a fence in my path I’m hoping to open. An entrance I seek to lead me home. But there’s a chain I can’t break. I need to find a tunnel and the right way to work my way up. I need to find myself, to reach for my greatness. I need to find my way home. -Cristian, Santa Cruz
What’s most important to me is not wasting my life away and not letting others waste theirs. My family, friends, and helping others are what’s most important to me. I may make my own mistakes, but helping others keeps me balanced. Making an impact on others, whether it’s family, a friend, or a stranger, makes me feel like I have a purpose. My family and friends are important to me because they help me through all my struggles. Helping others and demonstrating kindness brings me a natural healthy high that I just can’t find anywhere else. That is what’s important to me. -Justin, Portland
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To Victory
“The greatest accomplishment is not in never failing, but it rising again after you fall” – Vince Lombardi, NFL hall of famer and head football coach Vince Lombardi is one of the greatest head coaches of all time. As a role model and professional, you fall quite a bit. In football, you play sixteen six minute games, but in Vince Lombardi’s era, they played thirteen games. There’s only a few teams that ever go undefeated in a full season: the 1972 Miami Dolphins and the 2007 New England Patriots. Everyone loses; it’s about how you lose and what you do to change that. Resiliency is what Vince Lombardi is trying to speak about. Life comes with failure and it sucks to lose, but winning isn’t everything. Sometimes the best medicine is to fail because a lot of people have oversized egos and they think they’re invincible. Most people learn from their mistakes or they try to do things to avoid the same mistake. Resiliency is one of my greatest strengths because I’m an analyzer and like to learn. If learning helps me not to make the same mistake twice, then I will be successful. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and have fallen too many times, but I know what not to do the next time around and that losing is part of the human element. -Ease, Solano From The Beat: What a powerful and insightful message! Often times, losing helps us win because it causes us to change our game plan. No one sees true victory without ever having experienced defeat, and sometimes the best victories come after the toughest losses.
Tyrell, Part 1
The book I read was called “Tyrell.” “Tyrell” was a book about a boy, Tyrell, his little brother, Troy, and his mother, who are going through hard times. Their dad, husband, is in jail, and the wife always depends on the husband to help her survive. So, when he goes to jail, who does she depend on? Due to no one paying the rent for two months, they got kicked out of their apartment, and put into a shelter. In this shelter, Tyrell met someone new. This girl’s name was Jasmine. Tyrell already had a girlfriend, but he was sleeping in the bed with Jasmine. They lived in the same building. He had an affair with her one night. Tyrell had to be a dad to his little brother, Troy, because their mom was not being a mom in most ways. The shelter they were in, Bennett, was down bad. Let them tell it—roaches, and stuff like that. The mom was leaving the little boy, Troy, there, because she wanted to leave, and he would be asleep. So Tyrell was trying to think of a master plan to get them out of this situation, and he came up with one. He will throw a party, let women in free, and men have to pay fifteen dollars. Tyrell’s mom didn’t know another way to make money, so she told him, basically, to start selling weed, and he said no, he will not, and he stuck with his answer. Instead, he threw a party, and made two thousand, three hundred dollars, and he was set. Then, when Tyrell came back to Bennett, his mom left his little brother, Troy, alone once again, and this time it cost them to lose him to the Administration for Child Services because, when Troy woke up in the middle of the night, his mom was not there, and Tyrell was not, either. Troy just lost it, started crying and shhh. Guards had to come get him. Three hours after, the mom still wasn’t back, they called Administration for Child Services. I like this book, “Tyrell.” It is a good book. It goes to show how some really treat their kids. I read books to help me learn something, and to help me get smarter. I think this is a good story, and I would make the ending better by having the mom get there at the last minute, before they took Troy away. -Dr, San Francisco From The Beat: “Tyrell” seems in some ways realistic, but is so sad, tragic. Is Tyrell about your age? Is Tyrell’s life in any way like yours? How do you help your family? How would you have raised money for them, legally, if you all were facing eviction?
To Live Without
I can live without my first love If I believe in myself, have faith that God will take the pain away. I’m locked up, I’m fifteen, found my first Love when I was thirteen. Never expressed My feelings because they were only One in a million. Living that Thug life, I felt like I didn’t Have no feelings. I loved her ‘till The end, I gave her my heart And now I’m writing it in the Beat Within I didn’t have the Courage to believe in myself but Now I do. I dumped her, I Moved on but I’ll always love you. I can live without my first love If I believe in myself, have faith that God will take the pain away. I cried, I wished I wasn’t alive Had no faith so I just kept crying. Tried and tried but I Was still trapped. She had The key to my heart and She knew I would take her Back. Go back to the past I had no faith until today God doesn’t answer but I know He’s there. Taking her back is my greatest Fear. Love is strong, loving her way Too much made me strong but I Know it’s wrong. Torn apart, replacing Her by smoking out of the bong. I hope you understand where I’m Coming from and you can relate To my song. I can live without my first love If I believe in myself, have faith that God will take the pain away. -Savannah, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Many people know the feeling of losing a first love. It can be a traumatic experience and feel as if it’ll never end. Keep having faith, and believe in yourself, because it does end. Trust the process, and know that you’ll come out of this situation even stronger than before.
Love Doesn’t Judge Colors
They ask…how could you understand, when our surroundings are so different? The way we think, the way we were raised, the way we feel, everything is different. I’m accustomed to one thing, but you couldn’t live without another, but still, love could bring our bond together, tighter than the intimacy between your thighs of our first time together. Why do I understand you? Why do I know you so well? How can I feel your soul? Your smile melts my heart. But, even with all of these emotions, we’re different. My skin against your skin, is like vanilla to chocolate chips, but still I love you the same as yesterday, and the day before. Color won’t break us; neither will the hate. Through thick and thin, or different skin, the love won’t change. I’ll love the same. -Scotty Ts, San Francisco From The Beat: You have a romantic heart and poetic soul. Is this lady still with you? It’s wonderful that being of different races is a source of fascination, intimacy, tenderness for you both. Why don’t you send this story about her, to her?
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There Is No Other Like My Sweet Mother
I come home, paranoid, in the middle of the night. Perspiration running down my face. Mom comes in the room, turns on the light. Worried sick, I watch as her mind starts to race. My gun poking out my hip. She knows what I’ve done today. Nothing but silence surrounds the room. I see the anger in her sad brown eyes. Don’t know what to do. My nerves just froze, like ice. She extends her small soft hands. No words need to be spoken. I know what she wants. I reach into my shirt, pull out the cold chrome, and do as she asks. She takes it, and wraps it in a piece of cloth. Not once did she give it a glance. Unexpected, she tells me to pull up my pants. She hates it when I sag. Tears rolling down her cheeks, she hugs me tight. She tells me she loves me, go to bed, and good night. -Young Smiley, San Francisco
From The Beat: You write this magnificent poem, as if different versions of what happened with your mother that night, have now become common occurrences in your home. Why did you do whatever you did that night, before you went home? Have you stopped whatever, now that your mom knows, and/or because threatening/hurting people, or worse, is wrong? Who, if anyone, could/will stop you, if you don’t?
The Most Life-Changing Programs In The Youth Guidance Center
In my perspective, the mentor program, “The Beat Within,” and guest speakers (like Sunday church speakers, Pastor Romy, Bump) are most influential programs, and help steer myself and my peers into the right path in life. I believe, unlike the inefficient drug program or the art program, they are programs that connect with the peers, and not only help the incarcerated inside, but outside. In my perspective, these programs are therapeutic, and help the incarcerated learn more about themselves. I also believe that these programs are more efficient, due to their support after those inside get released, like getting a job, mentoring for school, etc. Another reason I believe these programs are so productive, is because the individuals who work in the programs, guide me to learning new skills, helping not only with academic problems, but social problems, and, most importantly, show me the necessary and legal steps to success in life. Personally, these programs are factors that shaped me into who I am today. One of the most stressful things about being incarcerated, is being helpless to resolve internal and external problems. Stress is unhealthy, depressing, and causes blood, heart problems. “The Beat Within” is very therapeutic, and when individuals write about their problems/feelings, not only do they relieve stress, but also think and get a real insight of those problems/surroundings. In Unit Six, if you get “Piece of the Week,” you get rewarded a burrito, which motivates individuals to continue to write, so it’s all beneficial. “The Beat Within” workers are also friendly, and can be great therapists or influential writers, who help improve individuals’ writing/grammar. Personally, without “The Beat Within” and its workers, I’d not be as skilled a writer, as I am today. My grammar has improved, and I write every day. Writing has given me an insight of my own problems and my surroundings, which has made me realize, I need to change. -Jk, San Francisco From The Beat: Your writing skills may have improved partly because of “The Beat,” but your ideas about how you’d manage if you were San Francisco’s mayor, the US President, how juvy could be run more efficiently and help the kids out more, mentoring programs, elections, etc., all your amazing essays, are fascinating, well considered, well written. You have the expansive mind and the raw talent of a natural writer.
Such A Loss
Little Derrick is my lil cousin/brother, who I love so much. He was a very funny kid, with a great sense of humor and personality. Ever since we were little, we always got along good, because we had so much in common, and as we got older, he became more and more like a little brother. Recently, in the last year, he had moved into my grandma’s house, and started living there. When that happened, it was on. We were inseparable. If you came over to my grandma’s house, looking for me, my grandma would probably say, “He’s somewhere, running around here with Derrick,” and the same with him. He was two years younger than me, but I didn’t care. He was super cool. One of my funniest memories of him was when we were at the family’s picnic, and me, him, my girlfriend, my brother, and my brother’s girlfriend snuck off, away from the rest of the family, to smoke. When we were done, he was just sitting there with hella slobber on his lower lip, and when, out of nowhere, my brother’s girlfriend said, “Derrick, can you wipe that spit from your lip? It’s all glistening…” everybody started cracking up, ‘cause it really was glistening. Derrick was just like, “Aww, Kim, why you have to buss me out like that?” Man, that was super funny. If you don’t think so, you would, if you were there. Last week, my little cousin/brother was shot and killed by a cop in South San Francisco, for no reason. They tried to say he had a gun. He did, but it was a bee bee gun, and the police had already took it from him. He had a warrant, so he ran, and when he did, they tripped him, and shot him in the chest. Then, when a paramedic who was in the area, tried to help him, the police told him not to. That’s real messed. That police officer didn’t even know what type of person he killed. He was a jokester, not a gangster, somebody’s lil brother. Not just anybody’s, but mine. It’s crazy how we’re getting killed by the people sent to protect us. Rest in peace, little Derrick. I’m going to love and miss my lil bro. -Yung Panch, San Francisco From The Beat: You so have our hearts for your little cousin/brother. Were you able to go to his funeral, and read this beautiful, tender, funny, touching story about him, your elegy for him? We hope so. You’re a loving, loyal, true cousin/brother.
Pain Never Fades
Pain never fades away Just like tears never disappear They’re just hidden in you. There are four walls in front of me. One of them is all my painful times That have happened to me. The second one is all happiness and joy All the beautiful times I smiled before And laughter, making jokes. The third wall represents all the images about me Shedding tears. As I reflect about it, I think, why that happens? Why did I let my emotions get to the point That I had to let tears flow from my eyes? I was probably too young to understand What I was doing. The fourth wall is my present Where I am right now, locked up. Like a bird in a cage, trying to be free. Putting a smile on my face Saying, “Forget this shhh. Thug it out.” -Young Droops, San Francisco
From The Beat: Nice poem! Tears are nothing to be ashamed of. There is sometimes such tragedy, grief in the world, that being wounded to the depths of your being, is righteous, realistic, honest. Do your four walls trap you inside, and/or keep you safe?
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Poverty aka My Lifestyle
I’m alone, stuck in the darkness. This is poverty, aka my lifestyle. Heat covering my veins, blood gushing out in pain. I sit on my bed trying to think, but I can’t, the silence is too loud. I’m stuck in my room, all I have is a piece of paper, and a pen, and this is how I let go of my pain. I’m three hours away from where I live, do you know how much it hurts to not be face to face with my own family? I’ve been here too long, two hundred and forty-six days to be exact. I’m dying by the seconds, getting weaker by the hours. I’m numbed by my spirit from head to toe. I’m not even sure if he’s in there anymore. I feel empty inside. Not even nightmares come to me. I lay in bed trying to sleep, but the voice in my head won’t stop bothering me. I’m going insane, I see figures on the wall that are not even there. I feel I’m being mentally raped, but who cares? All I wish for is a peaceful world, and if that’s too much to ask, then I’ll just RIP my truthful words. -Hector, Alameda
From The Beat: Feeling alone is a powerful state of mind, especially when endured for a long period of time. It’s hard to believe, but many people feel the way you feel at any given time in their life, whether inside or outside the hall. People go through hard times to learn a lesson, to turn them into stronger individuals. Rest confidence in everything happening for a reason.
Immigration
Man, this is what I think. If the immigrants in the United States of America are doin’ their thing, and getting an education and a job, why bother them? They only crossed a line. I know a couple of immigrants, and they are cool. They keep to themselves, and they do them. They look for jobs, and they don’t rob people, but when they go out, they get robbed, and they don’t even speak English. Legalizing immigrants would improve the economy. Cops lock ‘em up, and then they sit in jail for months, just to go back to the place they ran from. Man, that’s bullshhh. Man, this is America, and everybody should get treated equally. So, I’m glad Obama did what he did, and that was a good move on his count. I said what I had to say. This one is for The Beat. -Ad, San Francisco From The Beat: You have such a good heart, care so passionately about the undocumented, are so articulate about how you feel, would you consider a career in politics? The undocumented need a terrific spokesperson like you.
What Is She?
She is a devastating financial burden She is hell’s punishment put into a chemical compound She is a solution to depression and solemnness She is the enclosing shadow of a dead man’s basement She ensures your trip, and guarantees your final fall She is white and freezing, ice cold Yet, she burns insanity through my nostrils, into my frontal lobe She is the cause of poverty, riches, and death across the globe What is she? Cocaine -Liam, Marin
From The Beat: Nice poem. How did cocaine get such a profound hook into you? Has it also devastated your friends, family? How are you managing without drugs in juvy? Can you leave cocaine behind, be happy, function, get back into school, and expand your life beyond Marin? Yes, you can.
A Successful Role Model Is Essential
In a successful life, a successful positive role model is a must. Without a successful positive role model, how do individuals know what necessary steps to take to go to school, to get a job, become an adult? Through adolescence to adulthood, an individual needs to be taught right or wrong, needs to have a guardian, and to be mentally and financially supported, to succeed. That’s why I believe the mentor program is so efficient, because most incarcerated role models are criminals, or idols they see on television. To become a mentor, an individual needs to have a diploma, great social skills, and past job program experience, on their resumes. I think these qualities are those of a successful person, and may influence the incarcerated. Mentors are great teachers, tutors, therapists, whatever. Mentors have academic and skillinstilled experience, and the mature insight to help resolve the incarcerateds’ stressful mental problems. Personally, my mentor is someone I’d want to be like, five years from now. He has finished college, and tutors me with my schoolwork, like advanced Algebra. He has helped me make a time line of what I need to achieve, and has pointed out information for me, like the fifty states, the list of presidents. My mentor has also given me an insight of how to get a job, finish school, to become an adult. These insights are like the ideas I’d use to take the necessary steps to become an adult, and, one day, become a mentor, myself. In life, most individuals, or the incarcerated, don’t have a plan or idea of how things would look in five years. Most criminals don’t realize the consequences of being a criminal. Homelessness, drug addiction, prison or death, are some of these consequences. That is why I believe guest speakers, like ex-gangster member, Pastor Romey, or ex-convict Bump speakers, are so helpful, because they help individuals realize and foresee the future, unless they quit their ways. Also, because speakers, like Pastor Romey, have the personal experience, unlike inexperienced individuals, kids listen. Because of their past experiences, the speakers have great devotion and connections to help others get a job, or avoid the ‘hood. These speakers also generate the idea of the necessity of having religious or non-religious faith, and that it is never too late. Personally, I like the anecdotes of these criminals’ experiences and wisdom, and advocate for them. In my opinion, they’re the most life-changing programs in the Youth Guidance Center. Thank you. -Khuu, San Francisco From The Beat: Maybe The Beat should invite Freeway Ricky Ross to talk to you all. Ross ran the drug trade in LA in the ‘80s and ‘90s, made one-three million dollars a week for three years, signed contacts to buy properties, but couldn’t read. He went to prison for seven years. His roommate in prison taught him how to read in three weeks, starting with vowel sounds; then Ross read 300 books while he was inside. Now he travels to schools, universities, to advise the young to stay out of the drug trade, get their education, open their own legitimate businesses. Would you like to listen to him?
I Can See It In Your Eyes
I can see it in your eyes, you’re wounded. The longer you hold onto the hurt, it’s you who loses. You can’t fix or demand of the past. For the longest, you’ve held on to the bad. You are no longer alone. I’m here to make the pain pass. You’re a flower in the sun. Being the woman you are, that’s half the battle won. Let me shower you with the things you need. Love, support, power, and closure. I won’t hurt you, that’s a promise I’ll never break Because, if you were to ever go I’d forever be at the mercy of pain’s stake. -Buddy, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: Beautiful, tender poem, to someone you love and who is hurting. Why don’t you send it to whoever inspired it? It may help assuage her pain, help heal her wounds, and bring her peace.
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Not Even The Half Of It
Election, Election, Election!
This year will be the end of President Obama’s first term, and an election will be held again this coming November, 2012. So, to all my eighteen-year-old peers ready to vote, and to my minor peers, who are uneducated, start educating yourselves, and prepare to vote in the future, to make a change. Each vote counts, and the two candidates, by November 2012, are Democratic Obama, and Republican Romney. You can say Democrats favor all classes, especially the poor, while Republicans are conservative, and are for the middle and rich classes. Obama’s first term didn’t recover the economy, like he promised, but it didn’t drastically decline. Obama successfully assassinated Osama bin Laden last year, and the United States is finally moving out of Afghanistan, after nine years of war. Uneducated, unemployed, and criminal rates have also continued to increase. Obama has issued more health care to the poor, from increasing taxation on the middle class. There are so many pros and cons of Barack Obama’s term, but does America want to really rely on Mitt Romney? Romney is a millionaire, with two hundred thirty-eight million dollars, and who owns international companies. He’s a Chief Executive Officer, CEO, who has escaped fair taxation. If president, would he keep his promises to improve the economy for poor and rich, or just for the rich? We need a president who’ll improve the economy, the school system, living standards for the poor, prevent corruption, reform criminals, and keep peace in and outside the United States. We need a president who actually cares, and is not corrupt, himself. Out of the two hundred and thirty million people in the United States, every individual matters, and can make a change now and for the future, by voting. Not only to vote to change how things are presently, but for the future, for your children, family, and peers. The present affects the future, so who the next president is, for the next four years, is important! Prepare yourselves, and think hard, because the future is in the grasp of our hands! -Jk, San Francisco From The Beat: You define each candidate’s position accurately and fairly, but you don’t write who you’d vote for, if you were old enough. Will you surprise us, your Beat readers? Reveal your choice, and write your reasons why you think he would be the best president of the United States of America? We need your advice.
It all started in my housing projects, when I came home from the hospital. My pops, Joseph Sr., went back to jail when I was two, and it was just me and my older sister and Moms. Moms used to keep me taken care of. Anyway, we ended up moving from my old neighborhood to Oakland for about a year, then we moved back to San Francisco. I guess my moms couldn’t shake the city lifestyle. Ha! Yeah, so we moved back to the city, and I was about five, and my memories from our house was ill. I used to go downstairs and play Nintendo sixty-four with my partner, Arturo, and his brother, Benjamin. I used to kick it with my homie, Marshawn, from around the corner, and I used to always go to my old neighborhood, and kick it with my cousins, Jamal and Michael, at my great grandmother’ house. Big Momma, she used to always have good food for Thanksgiving. She basically raised my pops and uncles, Clydale and Bobby, and Jamal and Michael. Anyway, I used to kick it with Jamal, though. I would chill with him and his goons. Then, when he would go in the house, he would tell Trail Mix, Xavier, and the other thugs to watch me, and make sure I’m cool. Mind you, I’m about nine. Yeah, if I wasn’t with them, I would probably be with Munz and Angelo at the carnival, or robbing, stealing bikes and shhh at Saver’s. Lots of laughs. Those days were good memories. I remember when I would go to see my cousin on my mom’s side, Joe Cheese, and he would always break me off. One time we was outside, and, mind you, I’m, like, ten, tryin’ to kick it with him, and he told me go in the house, “Before I tell Big Momma,” and, although she was my favorite grandmother, she didn’t play. So, I went in the house and came out an hour later with my first cousin, Lt, and there just so happened to be a Samoan running from the rollers, cutting through houses, going through playgrounds. Big Momma came out and chased us all the way back in the house. But, anyway, if I just told you every little detail, it wouldn’t be enough time for me to write, and I just don’t have a wrist for it, so now, for the action. I remember having to go to my cousin, Joe Cheese’s, funeral. That really hurt me. I remember, when Big Momma passed away, that really hurt me. I remember the biggest lick I pulled at the Pier Seven--seven Apple laptops, and an X-box three-sixty. Yeah, I had a little Geo Storm that I was in. I would drive down to the Pier Third Street way, and get to my destination, grab a brick, bust the window, and go in and handle my business, come out, throw the labbys in the car, and scoot. But, on this day, when I did it, and got in the car, I tried to start it, but all you heard was “click.” The alternator belt came off, so I ended up telling my Uncle Donald, who was riding with me at the time, and happened to be Joe Cheese’s dad, to watch the other laptops while I go sell one to the ‘migos, and buy another battery. Mind you, a battery brand new will only last you about a few hours or so, without an alternator belt, and my uncle wasn’t leaving with the other laptops. He already got two strikes, and didn’t even want go in the building. He kept lookout. So, I took that long-ass journey with one laptop from the pier to Market, sold it for two-fifty, got some weed, waited ‘til this one place opened, got a battery, and went back. But, by now, it’s like, seven in the morning, and I’m scared as I’m coming out, not knowing what to think, with the crime scene being two blocks away from the car. Long story short, we put the battery in the car, went back to Market, sold ‘em one by one, and went to my spot. Good thing, when I was driving, the battery didn’t lose charge. I gave my uncle a few hundred for being lookout. I remember, when the Giants won the World Series, and I’m rocking with the thugs and we had it popping, I snatched a labby and an I-Phone. We got into it with some suckers. I remember hella shhh, and this ain’t even ten percent of the shhh I done. All right, Beat. -Joseph, San Francisco From The Beat: What wild adventures. You have our sympathy for your cousin and grandma. But don’t you have any hesitation, heart, misgivings about stealing laptops from people who have all their work on them? Plus, they must have had to save their money, to be able to buy them? If not, why not?
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Baby
What’s up Beat it’s Jaden’s Mommy. Well I ain’t feeling the topics this week so I’ll write about being in these brick walls and being a mom. Well my eighteenth birthday just passed and a had to spend it in here its been a month since I seen my baby boy, he is two and a half, he as never been away from me this long. The most has been, over night, it hurts I cry everyday there trying to put me on meds but I’m refusing it, because I just need to go back home with my son he needs me, I also need him. He thinks mommy’s at school, he asks when I’ll be back all I can say is soon baby, because I honestly don’t know when I’ll be back, I just pray everyday and night that it be soon I can’t stand not being able to tuck my baby in at night, and basically being baby sat. I’m an adult, I need start doing good and I’m not going to come back, this is my first and last time being locked up. This is a lesson learned, I feel like God put me here to become a better mom. -Jaden’s Mommy, Santa Clara From The Beat: You are a very strong and loving mother already. We are proud of you for recognizing that you are not sick or crazy, but the system that you are in can sometimes make you feel that way. You are a good person, who cares about her son very much. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, we believe in you.
The Beat Within...
The Beat Within to me is a way to express your feelings or what’s on your mind. I really enjoy you guys coming in every week because it’s a way for us to vent and relate to others. Every time I receive a Beat Within, I like to read through it and compare to other teens that are in different halls around the nation. Some stories can really be touching and others can help you escape from fear, or escape what’s going on inside you. I really thank you guys for having a program where young teens can be heard and express themselves. Thank you Beat Within. -Alma, Santa Clara From The Beat: We’re so glad our magazine has made this impact on you! The stories are not only inspirational among youth, they’re inspirational to the staff here at The Beat Within as well. We love reading all of your guys’ work!
Pain And Sorrow
This is pain and sorrow for the people that I love Running the streets with these other thugs. I Instead, I try to see God through my eyes But instead,d I see people as the devil in disguise Man the things that I have done, are so damn deceitful Tryna stay young and black, looking out for my people This life I’m living is missing the good things That were giving the bad things I have done I asked for this reality Now locked up I have a different mentality I’m tired of this game getting walked out in chains Man this is leaving a scar, I will never be the same. -Panda, Santa Clara
From The Beat: We are never the same after we have been scared, but we can always turn our tragedies into triumphs. Consider your scar a reminder of where you’ve been, and your motivation to keep going.
The Bridge
The main character of “The Bridge” is a nine-year-old girl, named Kenya. Kenya gets kidnapped, and they can’t find her. She did not live with her mom, she lives with her dope-selling auntie, Judy. Her mom lost custody of her, due to the fact that her mom was abusive. One night, Judy, the auntie, told Kenya to go to the Chinese store to get something to eat, because Judy was letting some friends up in Kenya’s room to have an affair, and told Kenya, by the time she came back, they would be done. But the whole time, Kenya didn’t want to go anywhere. Also, she had already eaten. So, when her auntie still sent her to the Chinese store to get some food, Kenya didn’t go. Instead, she stayed at a friend’s apartment in the building. She ended up getting kidnapped. Kenya didn’t come home, and her auntie didn’t do anything about it. Her mom had a dream about her daughter, and she called the auntie. Then, Sonny fled from the police, when they tried to get him. In the process, a judge named John Baylor got killed. They didn’t know what part Sonny had in it, but the police felt he had a part in it. They had previous cases they thought were about Sonny, but had no proof. Judy, Kenya’s auntie, used to be a girl who gave herself up for money. The reason she was doing it, was to get enough money to get out of the Bridge. It never happened. Her husband killed someone and got life. Then her son in the Marines, died in the war six months later. After that, her daughter, Joan, started doing the most--smokin’, and being fast. She was lookin’ for another brother, but got pregnant and didn’t want her mom, Judy, to find out, so she put a hanger in herself, started bleeding, and killed herself and her baby. In the midst of Sonny fleeing, he killed three officers. Judy went to jail for crack. She ended up getting out and found Sonny, because he took the money that they earned. He tried to leave her, but she found him. Judy and Sonny went to a hotel. Sonny ended up killing everybody in there, except Judy. He locked her up to a rail in the hotel. He then stole a car, and left. So, while the search continued for Kenya, Sonny got farther away, but did not have any more money. The witness that knew about Kenya, was killed not too long after people knew they were witnesses. After the judge got killed, Kevin Lynch, the detective, got laid off. Then Judy was found on the streets, and said she only wanted to talk to Lynch. So, they took her to the station, and Lynch came to talk to her, eventually. Next, he went back to the projects, the Bridge. He went to the basement and found Kenya, dead in a dumpster. There was a dog, dead, too. Lynch left the basement, and went upstairs. He spotted Sonny, and ended up killing him, because he did not tell him about Kenya. I think the author should tell us who killed Kenya, even though I think I know who did it. I read books to learn, and to teach others, to help others. I read books for knowledge, and to get smarter. I feel they could have made a better ending, because they did not tell who killed Kenya. I would have changed the ending by telling more of a story, giving more details, and saying who killed the little girl. -Dr, San Francisco From The Beat: What a sad, tragic story. You take a complicated story, with many characters, and relate it well. Maybe you should first explain that the Bridge is a project. Who lives there? Who is Sonny? Do you think the characters get the fates they deserve? In real life, do we never/sometimes/always get destinies we earn/deserve?
Every time I receive a Beat Within, I like to read through it and compare to other teens that are in different halls around the nation. Some stories can really be touching and others can help you escape from fear, or escape what’s going on inside you.
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Life, Part One
Life locks me up, and throws away the key. Life calls me a low-life But, life is lower than me. Listen to my story, and see what I see. Then, maybe you’d believe That life ain’t fair, but was always unfair. Since the beginning, I was “set up for failure.” Set up with a dad, who was never there. Set up with a mom, who never cared. Dad got in the game Sold kilos of cocaine. Always around that shhh He’d never be the same. Because, like his victims, he took that shhh Straight to the brain. Uneducated and unemployed Forced to do wrong. Then, sent to prison Six years of his life gone. Mom’s another story. Categorized as too crazy Too crazy, to even take care of her own baby. She had to “drop the ball” Before I could even crawl ‘Cause Daddy hit a wall with the law. That’s the day she looked up Realized she was fed up So, she gave up Gave up, when I needed somebody to love me. ‘Cause she always needed money She always needed somebody. But, really, she needed help, mentally. So, growing up, without a mom or dad. Growing up, I’d always be mad and sad. No money, nothing at home So, I hit the streets To make ends meet. Breakfast, lunch, dinner was an easy feat. Did things I shouldn’t. Family told me otherwise, but I wouldn’t. Not because I was wasted, but I couldn’t. I was all around Left and right, up and down Pushing pounds. As the money and fame came So did my drug addiction. Family tried to help, but I didn’t listen. -John, San Francisco
From The Beat: Not only do you write brilliant essays, but now, a poem! Your young life sounds rugged, traumatic, and you seem to still be hurting. Is your relationship with your parents beyond repair? Do you have a productive life arranged for yourself on the outs, to nurture, heal you? Maybe your own room in a house with other young people, so you can get work, go to school, come home to some peace? We hope so.
Appreciating The Beat!
What’s crackin’, Beat! I just want to say how much I appreciate The Beat for everything that The Beat has done for all youth everywhere. I love this program because we can write about anything/get whatever we want out of our chests. The Beat would read and talk to us. I feel we all get to express our feelings through paper and have other people read it too. Just wanted to say thank you Beat for everything. We all appreciate it! Bye! -Christina, Santa Clara -From The Beat: Thank you! We appreciate all of your writings as well! Best of luck in your future.
A Mother On Drugs
They call me by a nickname. I’m not like all you other folks. I never had a daddy and my mom was a fiend at the age of forty two. My mom sadly, cracked, due to that drug she smoked. She left me in this world, forced to believe, hell is a place called home. After my mom past, I was so depressed I smoked weed until it clouded up my head. I made mistakes throughout my life but I guess you could say I saw the light. I asked God to come into my life. He helps me when things don’t go right. He’s my light in the night. Not my mother, my father, no one knows about his love because no one else bothers. No, I’m not perfect. I smoke every now and then but God forgives those who admit to their sins. He took my mother’s life and didn’t think twice. I cursed at the Lord and asked him “Why? Why me and my family.” I’ve witnessed my mom getting high in the kitchen. I’d yell at her to stop but she’ll never listen. That image of her using the flame on the stove will never get old. I promised myself I’ll be different but now I find myself heading down that same road. I’ve smoked so much, my life goes by in slow motion, but not slow enough for me to grasp it. Yelling out to the Lord asking him why my life is so wretched. I fell to my knees and begged “Please,” I said. “Please Lord come into my life. Forgive me for my sins because I know they aren’t right. This life that I’m living, putting my life in danger almost every night.” I was so confused I didn’t know what to do. I flipped through my Bible, which didn’t take long. I read those words and they replayed in my head all night long. “Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.” And with those simple lines it clicked in my mind. I got down on my knees one last time, “God come into my heart. I invite you in. Forgive me for all my sins. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to lie but why, God, why did she have to die?” -Kristy, Fresno From The Beat: The pain of seeing a loved one suffer through an addiction is heartbreaking. Your mom needed some serious help. Having seen what she endured, what will you do to change your course?
What Am I?
I am a man, who devours food all day I am a warrior, who comes out to play I am a man, who demands respect I am beast, who’s grabbing my prey by the neck I am sadness, in an ocean of tears I am a fearless boy, who always stands up for my peers I am a king, who shall go to war I am a journalist, who goes around the world to explore I am the sight, that was meant to see I am the yellow on the flower, that attracts the bee I am the chair that you sit on, the lip that you bit on The stick you trip on, the cup that you sipped on I am the heart that pumps, the face with bumps I am the square, that hangs around with the chumps I am the floor you walk on, the phone you talk on The door you knock on, the wood you chop on I am the pill you pop, to get that cure I am the poison you drink, that will have you on the floor I am the arms that you move I am the legs that you dance with, to get that groove I am something bad, and something nice My first name is Aerius, my last name rhymes with spice I am the decision you make, and the chicken you bake And this “I am” poem, was a piece of cake -Ap, San Francisco
From The Beat: Lovely, funny, thoughtful poem. Are you already a journalist? You should definitely consider becoming one. It’s so fun to investigate anything you’re curious about, feel compelled by, then write your heart out about it.
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The Skin Of An Eagle
I have the skin of an eagle That has spent its life for freedom From the darkness of its mind Feeling trapped inside the heart Of a strange person I am an intellectual person That’s mistaken for just another clueless kid I know everything that goes around me I just don’t say anything I want to see how far they take this Without them knowing that I know -Young Droops, San Francisco
From The Beat: You’re right, no one would ever know how smart you are, how deep your feelings go, what a creative poet you are, if you never revealed it. You’re very convincing, playing the jokester. What are people “taking,” that you watch so vigilantly? What do you also know, that they know?
Baptism
You are going to die. Face that fact And you’ll live a better life. On a long enough timeline Everyone’s survival rate drops to zero. Animals are eaten by bigger animals. Fish are eaten by bigger fish. Plants die after one season. Are we really meant to go from “natural” causes? Live, until our body attacks from the inside? Acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) Herpes, all sicknesses equal population control. We’re all cattle that live to consume. When you stop consuming, you die. Are you afraid? Why, because it’s true? Tomorrow, your breakfast will taste better. The air will smell fresher. You will die. On a long enough timeline Everyone’s survival rate drops to zero. -John The Baptist, San Francisco
From The Beat: Is life richer, more poignant, precious, once we know, accept, that our time on earth is finite? Maybe so. Or do we despair, become more reckless, dismissive of life, because it’s ultimately imperfect, perishable, gone?
To Young Baby Mammas
There needs to be a law that prevents teenagers from giving birth at such a young age. Or, at least more programs to educate young ladies about the consequences of being unprepared mothers. Some consequences prevent regular teenagers from being able to take normal responsibilities, like school or a job. Most young mothers have a young boyfriend/husband, and live on welfare, due to being immature, uneducated, or just plain heartless. Babies will bring financial and emotional problems. Babies tend to cry a lot, and deserve a lot of attention, due to the “critical bonding period.” Babies require a lot of diapers, food, clothes, toys, books, etc. Most importantly, when minor mothers have a baby, but no home, Child Protection Services, CPS, can take the baby, and they will be put in children shelters. I don’t know how a mother would feel about someone taking her child away from her, but think about how the kid would feel. The experience would be very traumatic, and cause abandonment, mental and emotional issues in the future. Other than the baby’s mother, think about the baby, growing up without educated parents, if both parents are even present. Think about how the baby’s surroundings, like being in poverty, determine if it’s healthy for him/her. Think about whether or not the baby will get its needs, like parental supervision, health care, and emotional/ financial support, to actually succeed. If a kid goes to a child shelter, the chances they will be in a gang, do crime, be raised incorrectly, do drugs, or be abused, will rise. Young women should get educated, at least into college, before having children. Educated women gave 1.7 births, while uneducated women gave 6.7 births in a lifetime, in 2002. Young women need to find a committed man, because, in the future, if there is a divorce, the child will be impacted. Jobs are also a necessity. My time incarcerated, I’ve seen so many “young baby mommas,” and I just wanted to spread the knowledge! -Jk, San Francisco From The Beat: The bond between a mother and her baby can be so strong, that forcibly taking her baby away may be excruciating for her, forever. Having a newborn doesn’t preclude a mother from getting an education and/or job. Oftentimes the baby daddy, grandmother, auntie will care for the child, while the mother goes to school and/or works. You have a good heart for young baby mamas, although passing a law forbidding teenage girls from bearing children, may be way harsh, unrealistic. If a young girl becomes pregnant, should the law be able to force her to have an abortion? Someday, can you imagine becoming a baby daddy, maybe way in the future?
Maybe I Watched The Wrong Movie What I Say Ain’t All Lies
I’m getting older, as the world turns colder. I’ve become insane, ‘cause I’m the one to blame. I feel ashamed, ‘cause I bring my mama pain. In the end, I’m the one to blame. My family looks at me, and they feel so ashamed. Just ‘cause I had their damn last name. They see a gangster, a hustler, and, possibly, a murderer. They ask, why would I turn so evil? They touch my forehead in search of a fever. I cry my eyes out, and pray to the skies. I hope that He listens, and understands That what I say, ain’t all lies. Sometimes it feels that I’m going blind. I see black and white, instead of seeing colors. I hope one day I get released to my mother. -Doobie, Marin
From The Beat: Regardless of how anyone else perceives you, what’s crucial is who you are, who you’ll become. Will you have to outgrow, stop yourself from indulging any tendency to be a gangster, hustler, especially a murderer? Is your poem a giant warning to yourself-whatever you’re into, stop now? Then, stop it!
Stuck between a number and money sign. Love looks in. Hope: One day . . . yeah, one day, I know, I just really do, I’ll find her. I believe I will, that number one girl. I feel like, maybe I was listening or watched the wrong movie once, because I just felt that I always wanted to find that right girl, and stay with her forever. But, again, maybe I watched the wrong movie when I was young, because that’s how I want to be, to feel. They say I love too strong, but I feel I love just enough. How can I love too hard? Maybe they don’t trust their hearts, like I do. But, girls my age are too occupied with other things, that are irrelevant to me. To love, you have to love yourself, which I do. A relationship is much more than just emotions, it falls into financial, mental, physical stability. It’s much more than a girl my age can give, I guess, so I’m on to “women” who are older. It’s what I need at this point. I’m too mature to not. I’m not fascinated with the luxury or the things that will come with an education. My mind is much wiser than most, but I’m still a kid at heart, so I’m searching for gold. -Scotty, San Francisco From The Beat: What movie was so romantic that you search for the passion/sincerity of its main characters for your own life? Now you know real love exists, can you hold out for it, no matter how young/ old the golden lady you hope to find, may be?
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Dear…
Sorry for being a bad friend If I had a time machine to go back then, again I would’ve changed all my actions in the end I apologize… It takes real eyes to realize real lies Realize the wrong we did, that made our families cry Realize the wrong of the people, who we idolized Realize the decisions we made, weren’t wise Realize the suffering I gave to myself and my brothers Realize the pain I gave to others, and to our mothers Realize that you’re gone, there’s nothing I can do It feels like I’m dead and gone, too But, I’m obligated to you, to continue to change And, when I’m back, don’t expect me to be the same The mornings are dull, the nights are endless The sky is torn, now that you’re gone Rest in peace, forever remembered Don’t gamble too much up there -Jk, San Francisco
From The Beat: The loss of someone you love, can make you feel empty, incomplete. Now, when you feel weak because this person is gone, is when you’ll need your strength the most. Will cherishing this person’s memory, help?
We Thought We Could Trust You
When I was twelve, my brother was having a kickback at our house. He had all his homies over and they were all out in the front drinking. I knew most of his boys; they would always come around. My Mom and Grandma were at work, my other brother was somewhere in the streets, my little sister was sleeping in my brothers room, and my cousin was outside too. I was in the living room watching tv. The front door swung open. I looked to see who it was. It was one of my brothers closest “homies.” He was stumbling through the door. He sat down on the couch across from me, just staring and staring. I tried to ignore the fact that he was doing that but I started to feel uncomfortable. I shot another glance at him and he had a creepy smile on his face. I got up and started to head towards my room. He jumped to his feet and came after me. I screamed for my brother, but he grabbed me and covered my mouth. He told me to shut-up or else he’d hurt me. He got me to the bed and I was trying my hardest to get him off me. I was kicking and hitting him. I also tried to bite him but he was more dominant. I started to cry. He wiped the tears away from my cheeks and kissed my forehead. I felt like I was in total despair. He pulled down his pants and then mine. I started to scream and push him off again. He covered my mouth and held me down. That’s when it began. When the devil disguised as my brother’s “homie” deprived me from my innocence. It hurt real bad. Tears were trying to escape from my eyes, swimming down my face. He told me “shh and he will be done soon.” He got up and pulled his pants up. I laid in bed crying. He again told me, if I told anyone he would hurt me and my brother. I ran outside crying. He followed me, like my own shadow. I was going to tell my brother. My brother seen me crying and asked what was wrong. I stood there dumbfounded, unsure of what to say. On the inside I was panicking so much. I got too scared to tell him because his “homie” was standing there too. So I just asked what time my mom was going to be home. He said “ I dont know and told me to go back inside.” I ran inside and took a shower. I was crying so much, I wasn’t sure whether it was the water or my tears mostly running down the drain. I had so many thoughts fleeting through out my mind. I was so mad at my brother. How could he be so oblivious about what was going on in the house? What was he thinking his “boy” was doing in there? My brother was always quick to protect me from whatever bad was happening. Whether it was something in the streets or something was
Spend Each Moment Like Your Last
I went into the system at eight years old, living on my own in this cruel world, looking for some place to call home even if it means to lay dead in a tomb. A young girl hurt and scared calling for her mother, but no one is there. Searching for hope but all she finds is people on drugs. She has a father, sister, and a brother but there’s no such thing as a family without your mother. She thinks to herself nobody cares so she packs up her bags and leaves her aunts. A young girl now seventeen years old left out on her own, in the freezing cold, forced to believe hell is as place call hell associated in a crew that nicknamed her. This world is so ironic a girl with a mind of a criminal, she can’t even attend her own mother’s funeral, because she is locked up trying to stay strong now, she regrets ever lighting that bong. All I want to say is, never let temptation drive you insane, never let the devil keep you away from the ones you love, from the ones who care, because having a loving family is very rare. Hold tight to your parents, because you never do know, the one moment they are there and the next they’re gone. Spend each moment like your last, because you never do know when gods decides it’s time for them to go. -Kristy, Fresno From The Beat: Thank you for offering such an important perspective. You have been through a lot but you have a strong voice and an important story to tell. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
going on in our own house. From family problems to people we don’t even know. I was let down that night. I lay in bed crying for hours it seemed. I was scared, sad, angry, let down, disgusted, embarrassed and still, even though I took a shower, I felt so grimmey. I finally fell asleep & woke up the next morning. I was quiet most of the day, yet it didn’t come across anyone’s mind to ask me what was wrong. Soon it was the weekday again, and I had to go back to school. I walked to my best friend at the time, Victoria’s house. She lived a few houses down from me. I let myself in the house because that’s how comfortable the family was with me. I wanted to tell Victoria, but then I was too ashamed to tell her. I was too scared she would look at me differently after that. So I kept my mouth shut. We went to school. After all that happened, my brothers homie slowly stopped coming to chill. Then when my brother got locked up that’s when for sure he stopped coming around. He didn’t even want to chill with my cousin anymore. I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my brother. I especially don’t want to tell him while he’s still locked up. I don’t want it to get in his head. Having him think its all his fault & how he didn’t know his own boy did that. I don’t want him to feel like he didn’t protect me well enough. I love him so much. He’s my father figure. After my Dad left, my brother still went to school, had two jobs, he was slanging & still did all his other dirty work in the streets. I don’t want him to fell like he didn’t provide enough for me. I feel like maybe if I stayed in the living room or maybe went outside, I could have prevented that from happening. Then if I did do that, I wondered if he would have tried another time, while no one was around. That taught me not to trust anyone after that no matter who they are. That fool was a family friend; someone I and everyone else thought they could trust. Sadly to say they probably would still think he’s someone to trust. Even though some people at my house know about it, because that stupid Ranch found some of my journaling and told them. I will never tell his name because I’m still too scared of what will happen. -Sara, Santa Clara From The Beat: What happened to you is something that should NEVER happen to anyone. People who abuse us like that are sick, and are in need of help. This was not your fault, and it is important that you open up to someone fully about what happened, leaving out nothing. This person cannot hurt you if the right steps are taken. In the meantime, you should try and build up trust in others. It may take time, and you are allowed to take as much time as you need. Then you can find peace and security in the friendships you make. That person took a lot from you, but he did not take your strength. You are very brave to open up to us. Thank you.
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To Forgive
It’s hard to forgive my father for all the things he did. My dad is in a mental institution and chose drugs over me so how can I forgive him? I haven’t seen him in three years or talked to him because of what happened when I was twelve. Since he was in a mental institution, they gave him different pills each month. So when I was twelve, I went to go visit him with my grandparents. He forgot who I was because of the pills. At age twelve you don’t know it was the pulls, so at that age I was devastated. I stopped talking to him for a month, and that month turned into three years. Those three years turned into depression. Depression turned into a jail cell. My dad is a failure, but somehow I’m ending up like him. -Ezie, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You are NOT a failure. You made a mistake, but that does not make you a failure. If you want to take a different route from your father, make a positive change in your life. Stay away from deviance, and focus on doing things that will help you in your future. Also, it is good to find a healthy outlet for the stress you must be dealing with. Perhaps talk to someone about getting help for your anger, and all the sadness you have built up inside.
Closing In
I just sit in the cell and it just feels like the walls are closing in on me. I feel that they are like a weight holding me back. I just wish that it is easier to destroy the walls that are closing in on me. The more I think about this weight it just gets heavier and heavier. I’ve been here for a while and the weight keeps on building up, bigger and bigger. It feels that it is taking over because it makes me think crazily, but I’ve been thinking how to destroy these walls and I came up with this. Why build the walls when you can destroy them? I just think of the good times I had then I feel the walls moving. So, I always try to stay positive and make my family proud. The walls are lower now, and soon they will be gone and out of my way. Once I step out of here the walls will disappear and vanish. This piece, was a strong one, that I felt will be good to share because maybe it will help someone, nobody ever knows. -Frostie, Solano From The Beat: Keep your head up. Those walls will come crashing down soon enough. Now, what will you do to make sure that they don’t build up around you again?
Nothing But Love
I feel like the main two people in my life that I need forgiveness from is my mother and son. I want my mother to forgive me because she raised me really good and I pay her back by choosing bad decisions. My mother has nothing but love for me. She raised four kids with no father figure in our lives. My mother did a darn good job. To be honest I love my mom with all my heart, but I really don’t know why I choose bad choices. I try hard to do good, but trouble follows me. My son is only two months old, and I’ve never bought anything for him. I only saw my son a handful of times. I don’t want him to grow up the way I did, with no father. I wish my son will forgive me for not being there for him. It hurts me a lot, when I get to hold him and I think about what I can do for him. Don’t get me wrong I try hard to be there, but I end up in places like this. I’ll beg them both for forgiveness, but I have a feeling they would never forgive me. -Mervyn, Fresno From The Beat: Many believe that the hardest job in the world is to be a thoughtful parent. Hopefully you can draw on the pride you have for your own mother when you think about the type of parent you want to be for your son
Something To Look Forward To
I’m getting out in like a week and two days! I’m hella excited because I’ve been locked up like sixty-three days now. It seems like I haven’t been home in hella long even though it hasn’t been that long. I got homies that have done like one, four, and eight years in San Quentin and Pelican Bay, so sixty plus days is nothing to them. All my friends act like I haven’t even been gone that long. It only seems long to me, and my girlfriend. I did like a year before in Missouri, when I was barely fourteen years old, but that seems like a long time ago now, somewhere hella far away. I think it seems like a long time, because I have a girlfriend. Last two times I was locked up I was solo, so I felt like I was waiting around for nothing. Also I have goals to play sports at SJ City College since I’m going there in the fall. I guess I have more things to look forward to now, and more things I realized I messed up on and missed out on. I’ve been thinking about everything that happened since I was locked up at fourteen leading up to now. All the good and bad choices I’ve made, all the relationships I’ve had and lost, all the paths I’ve gone down, ultimately leading up to here and now. It’s crazy how a small choice, you make one day, can lead to a series of events, that can end up being positive or negative, and how you can see, where you would have been, had you made different choices and decisions. My life, since a young teen, feels like many things were like a flip of the coin type of situation. Some situations could have ended in being with a girl of my dreams, getting scholarships to powerhouse football schools, being a lawyer or a doctor. Or the flip side, ending up dead, getting a girl pregnant, hella young at thirteen, getting life in prison, being paralyzed, or hella other negative effects. I’ve stayed somewhere in between the two, but its crazy to look back on. Like Tupac said though, you can look at the pieces and overanalyze trying to put them together, or you can drop the pieces and move on. All I know is, I’ve got a lot to look forward to. -Platten, Santa Clara From The Beat: You have such great insight and potential, that you must put to good use. It is true that choices have consequences, but it is also true that it isn’t too late to make the right choices and fulfill your dreams!
Real Shhh, Part Four
Construction starts with destruction. Nothing can be built without something being torn apart. Even with thoughts and dreams. Everything that discourages and causes self-doubt must be eliminated before the building begins, just like the forest must give way to the cities. Victory is never built up until the walls of fear crumble. It is most important to remain constant in construction, or one becomes the victim of destruction. It’s as complicated as building a new empire after destroying a faulty one, yet simple as watching life destroy the innocence of a child to create an adult. -Lil Efee, Solano From The Beat: These are some very wise words. We cannot construct positively until the negativity in our lives is destroyed. What are you planning to destroy to build up in your life?
My son is only two months old, and I’ve never bought anything for him. I only saw my son a handful of times.
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To Forgive
I’m not so sure about this whole idea of forgiving. I mean, I try to forgive everyone that does me wrong but it’s hard. What’s even harder is forgiving myself. I’ve made a few huge mistakes in my life that I can’t ever take back and they won’t ever be erased. To be honest, to this day, I haven’t even forgiven myself. I most likely won’t ever let my mistakes go, I won’t ever forgive myself completely. I don’t know, honestly, it’s just me. I have a much harder time forgiving myself than other people. I have forgiven almost everyone that has done me wrong or put me in a bad situation or messed up my life, but I still can’t forgive myself though. -Ain’tgonnaforgive, Santa Clara From The Beat: Forgiveness, like many of life’s virtues, starts with the self. Through accepting yourself and the things you’ve done, you will be a much happier and positive person. Recognize the wrong you’ve done, take away the lessons you can from it, and move on so you can work towards things that make you proud rather than regretful.
It Is What It Is
Grandma Stella’s getting old, Still living like a crazy lady, Grandpas even older Never know if he going make it lately, Love ‘em while they’re here ‘Cause they’ll be gone pretty soon, An eternity in heaven With the stars and the moon, I’m locked up feeling bad From all the money that I “borrowed,” Really miss my lil’ brother, I can call him up tomorrow, But it doesn’t feel the same, Earth ain’t all that bad unless you count The people in it they’re the cause of all the pain, And life is kind a fast, Something I already know, And I got to slow down I got a lot of years to go,” Quote-unquote, That’s what I’m told, But uncle Joey died in his twenties, A bullet to the face, he wasn’t even old, With the wrong people, I would say that He was pushing it, Went and found trouble and he didn’t even Look for it, But that’s just how it happens, Life is kind a scary, Only time it calms down is when you’re Living in the cemetery, Buried, I wonder who’ll be next to leave? I’m hoping it’s my enemy, And not the person next to me. I couldn’t sleep the night I thought I lost my lil’ brother. Woke up punching and kicking’; A nightmare’s fit The homie, speedy, doing life said “It is, what it is, But it ain’t, what it seems”. I guess it ain’t what it seems. The only way I want to g,o is if I die in my dreams. -Thief, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You have a great flow and a wonderful way with words. Use your talents in a positive way, and set goals to challenge your potential. You have a gift that can make a powerful impact in your community.
Forgiving Myself but Not Others
I sometimes think it’s a little selfish to forgive myself and not others, but I know myself. I can trust myself and I know if I’m truly sorry. I used to forgive people until I was raped by my cousin. After that, my trust and forgiveness vanished. I wish I didn’t give him the power to take that away from me, but how can you trust or forgive that, when you violate someone that severely? I know what I’ve done to people was wrong and not right, but my actions weren’t that bad, not making that an excuse of what I’ve done. So I understand when people don’t forgive me. It wouldn’t make sense for me to expect someone to forgive me when I don’t forgive others. I wish I had the strength to forgive people, but I guess that means I’m too scared and I’ve been too hurt to give someone the opportunity to give them my forgiveness because I feel they will think I’m weak, they have power, and can take advantage of me. I feel that me not trusting people or forgiving them hurts me the most. When I die, I’m the only one who’s going to die miserable, having hatred and pain, etc. I want to die happy, knowing my mind and heart are at rest. Where does the power come from in forgiving others? Do you just forgive, will it just leave your mind, do you have to stop hating that person to forgive? It’s so hard, but when I get older hopefully I will learn to forgive and people won’t take advantage of that. Hopefully the world will come to better peace and less violence but the way that starts is by me stopping it. I do hope that there are people that can forgive. -Irene, Santa Clara From The Beat: Wow! You’ve certainly explored the dilemma of forgiveness, a dilemma we all struggle with at some point: how and when to forgive. There’s no real answer to those questions, unfortunately, because forgiveness is something we can only accomplish through time and space, and everyone reaches it at different points and in different ways. It’s true that the more energy you spend hating someone, the more you actually hurt yourself. Forgiveness is also something that can’t be forced, though. You will forgive that person when you’re ready, and you will grow stronger from the process. Take it slow, and for now, focus on getting and staying out of the hall, and surrounding yourself with people who love you.
Stay Strong
Most people always forget the one thing in life and that is, to keep going, in anything you put your mind to. People are always going to have negative thoughts about what your place is in life or negative words, but it’s still up to us to break through and realize that people are just hating on each other, because they ain’t doing what other people are doing. The people that are hatin’ don’t realize how desperate others are, and not everybody has it. So what I do is go get what I want and don’t let anybody talk head and stay strong, because the world is crazy and me and my partners got to keep our head up and keep it pushing. Be smoove my brothers. -Dizzy, Solano From The Beat: There are safe and legal alternatives to getting what we want. Sometimes, we need to reevaluate what we seek in life, and make sure we are making sacrifices for the right things. Are you?
Don’t Give Up And Hate The World
I agree with Vince Lombardi’s quote. If you fail at something once, don’t quit, try again until you make it. Be relentless. If you got locked up don’t give up and hate the world. Learn from your mistakes and try your best to do the right things by choice and not by force. Live and learn, so you can grow wiser. Sometimes you will fail, but that is part of life. Get back up, and do your best to succeed and you will be surprised in what you can accomplish. -C, Fresno
From The Beat: These are some very inspiring words. We hope you will find success with your future accomplishments as well.
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Getting Older
What’s up? This is M coming out of the max. Well today I’ll be talking about getting older. One thing I learned about getting older is time. Time doesn’t wait for anyone. I remember messing around in school when I was like ten years old. Now I’m seventeen and I’m in juvenile hall. I know everybody in the outs are moving on with their lives while I’m here in my cell thinking about what’s going to happen to me. Getting older, you will be accountable for your actions. I’m getting charged as an adult and I’m not even an adult. I know I’m going to do some time. Hopefully when I get out I’m not too old. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when I get out because I’m seventeen and I’m pretty sure I’m a be locked up for at least ten years or more. I just hope my mom is still alive so I can see her and not have to see her through a prison visiting room. -M, Santa Clara From The Beat: Though the next few years of your life are set out for you, your entire future is still in your hands. Doing time takes a toll on a person, but if you use this time to better your life, you can have a chance at success. Don’t let this mistake guide the rest of your decisions. Make a change.
It Is Hard To Forgive
What’s good, Beat? Today I’m going to talk about forgiveness. Well, one person that I don’t know and hate with a passion is my brother’s murderer. I don’t know the person, but I just hate him. I loved my brother a lot, and he died young. Now that I’ve been here, I forgave my parents for the wrong things they did, but I also told them to forgive me for the pain I caused. I can’t bring myself to forgive him (the murderer). He never got caught and I don’t think he is. It’s been three years since my brother passed away, and they don’t even have a lead in the case. My brother was a cool person. He did a lot of shhh in life, but nobody has the right to take somebody else’s life. Well, hopefully I can forgive him. I think the only way to forgive him is for him to tell me why he did it. That’s what I got Beat until pencil meets paper. -Jose, Santa Clara From The Beat: Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do, especially when others personally hurt us. However, it is one sure way to begin healing. It may take a very long time for you to begin to forgive the person who did such a terrible thing to your family, but once you do, you will be on your way to healing from such a traumatic event.
The Beat is Neat
Beat readers, what’s cracking? I like reading rhyming poems, or raps, from The Beat. Yeah, hahaha. I like The Beat, reading about other teens’ experiences, and positive stuff. Well bye, thanks Beat. -Jaimie, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You’re welcome, and thanks for contributing! People like you make The Beat possible.
Like A Boy
“Can’t stop, won’t stop”. I love being me, and I love doing what I do. I was born in the hood, so I’m going to die in the hood. Real talk; sometimes I wish I was a boy, because I act like a boy, talk like a boy, and think like a boy. I even sound like a boy. Man I wish, I was a boy. Real boys do real things, straight up. I also think boys got it way better than girls. That’s messed up. -Lil’ Asia, Solano
From The Beat: See what’s inside you and be the best you, that you can be. There’s no more real than that! You are a strong, beautiful, smart women and that is very powerful.
Don’t Judge
How is someone going to talk shhh about you, when they don’t even know you on the outside? People say they know you, because of the way you talk and act. How’s someone going to say, “We’ll protect you!” when they can’t even protect themselves? People try to be cool with you, then they become your enemy, then they try to be cool with you! What kind of shhh is that? Don’t you see, that I am trying to get closer to God? How can you say, “I’m true to this shhh” and then turn around and say, “I am a Christian, I love God, I’m going to Heaven”? How can you live two lives? You either stop criticizing and judging people and love God and follow God’s teachings, or be against God. The Bible says, “if you judge or criticize people, then you are criticizing and judging God’s laws.” Also, “Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me.” How is someone going to tell us to do good and believe in God and follow His commandments, and then tell us something to do that is against God. You say we should be like wolves and the Bible says, “Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as wise as snakes and harmless as doves.” The Bible talks about people like you, like on this verse it says, “So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed, and when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ.” But, I understand if you hate me…John 15:19-19 says, “If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer a part of the world. I (Jesus) chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.” -The Believer, Solano From The Beat: It is good that you are guided by such wise principles. Remember to invest your time in loving others, and helping to spread your positive principles. Everyone needs a little encouragement, and it is up to each one of us to inspire hope and forgiveness.
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But, For Tonight
How To Become Successful
You finally wrote For the first time It’s been two years Tonight, you made my light shine It’s been so long I’ll soon be home Tonight, you blew my mind Like a bullet to the dome It’s been so long My anger has trapped me But, for tonight I’m free and happy -Liam, Marin
From The Beat: It’s wonderful that your lady wrote you, after so long. Can you write her back, maybe nurture your relationship along slowly, naturally? When you get out, can you call her, maybe get together somehow? Good luck to the two of you.
Living Without Hell
I can live without coming to jail because jail is a terrible place and no one would, with the right mind, want to come here. I did without for all my life until last year, I came for something I had nothing to do with. I did without jail for seventeen and a half years and now I’m eighteen years old. I can live without cops always harassing people, especially colored. I can live without funk, you know funk, like problems with people. If there was no funk out here, a lot of people would still be alive today. -Jj, Alameda From The Beat: These all sound like things everyone could, and should, live without. You can take action to stop, or at least lessen, the “funk” you’re describing, by first stopping your involvement in it. Whenever something seems “funky,” walk away from it, and encourage those you care about to walk away from it, too.
Your Beauty Never Ends
All I see, every time I close my eyes Is your beautiful face, and your big, beautiful eyes. That smile on your face, when I first saw you, girl I had to make you mine. I couldn’t explain my feelings for you. All I know, is, I’m in love with you. I don’t really know you; you don’t really know me But, I would love to know you more than I already do. I search for you every chance I get. I always long to see your face. If I could touch your lips with mine The thought of this is so divine. Your beauty extends into the heavens It goes on forever, and never ends. You’re like a fruit that constantly ripens. Your beauty continues to grow, no matter what happens. My fondness for you, constantly deepens Because, every time I see you, my heart starts to weaken. You shine so bright, you cast your own shadow. A beauty that others would love to borrow. But, try as they might, your beauty, they will never catch Because, someone like you, they could never match. It makes me question, if what I am seeing is real. I only know it’s true, by the way that I feel. The power of your beauty is the world’s best gift. -Poet, San Francisco
From The Beat: What an almost classically beautiful poem. This young lady must really inspire you. Is she real in your life, an ideal beauty, or someone you’ve seen, but have never spoken to? You have a wonderful imagination.
Individuals have different definitions of being “successful,” like getting a job, becoming rich, having a loving family, being happy, etc. What’s your definition of being “successful”? Do you categorize yourself as “successful,” or close to it? Personally, being “successful,” to me, is to have a steady income via hard work, and doing nothing illegal. To take care of my family financially, emotionally, and health and shelter-wise. I want my family to be educated, safe, drug free, and be positive role models in society. I’d also include helping my friends financially, into a happy life I envision as a goal to becoming successful. When I was younger, I assumed I was successful, because I made enough money to buy food and clothes, through drug dealing. I thought I was successful for not relying on my family, that I was a “man.” I wasn’t successful, though, because I didn’t manage to go to school, or keep my family happy. They’d always worry about where I’d be at night, and my addiction. I know the right steps to become successful now. I’ve got to get a part-time job, enroll into college, get off probation, and reconnect with my family. Five years from now, I’ll need a least a car, an apartment, get my bachelor of arts degree, and start to pursue my career, through internships. So, that’s my journey of being “successful.” Realizing I was wrong, and now assuming I understand how to become successful. What’s your ideology for being successful? -Jk, San Francisco From The Beat: What challenges have you legally, physically, spiritually overcome, that seemed monumental at the time? Because you have been generous, kind, helpful to people, have learned a lot about your own mistakes, aren’t you already a success?
I’m A Horrible Sister
Being in here, I feel like I’m going crazy. Always surrounded by your thoughts in a tiny box. I miss walking outside and breathing the air, when I want to. I miss eating when I want to, and everything else, when I want to. Here, I have too much time to think about every little scenario. I’m making myself nuts. I hate what I’ve done to my family, and how I’ve made them feel. Hearing how my little sister is messing up, I feel I’m to blame. She’s doing everything I’ve done, and headed in the same direction as me. I hate to think that she’s going to end up here, like me. It scares me. I feel responsible, as an older sister, especially because everything I hear she’s doing, I did. And, when I did it, I told her I did. She’s skipping school, smoking weed, drinking, and maybe other things. I’m a horrible sister. -Ashley, Marin From The Beat: If you stop doing everything you do, that’s messed up, and that your little sister does now, would that impress upon her to stop, also? If it would, could you find the strength of character to stop it all, for her sake and yours?
The Lifeguard Saved Me
When I was eleven years old, in the fifth grade, I went to Martin Luther King swimming pool, and I drowned in six feet of water. It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. I think I was okay, because I was being cool. I wasn’t panicking, and after so long, the lifeguard grabbed me with one arm, and swimmed out the water. I was unconscious. I couldn’t see. I didn’t even know where I was at. That’s the one thing I could have forgot. -Smith, San Francisco From The Beat: How were you so cool headed, that you didn’t panic? It’s great that the lifeguard saw you under the water, and rescued you. Did he also press on your chest, to squish the water out of your lungs? He was a true hero. You’re a lucky and a grateful young man.
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Ride With Me
I met the woman the other day. I promise you, she got it. Eyes the same color As the paper in my pocket. Pretty, with make-up Without it, she’s the hottest. When she steps in the room Everybody turns and watches. I want to get to know her But, the spot I’m in, might frighten And make her not want to look past This little indictment. Little does she know I can fill her heart with excitement. Forget age, because all of the bullshhh I’m beside it. So, ride with me. -Yung Panch, San Francisco
From The Beat: This is your first romantic poem. It’s so wild and tender. Once a girl knows about your crimes, do they often frighten her off? Does however you live your life? If so, would it be worth it to stop whatever your into, that’s dangerous and/or illegal, on the outs?
As I Get Older
As I get older I watch as the world gets colder People walking around, with chips on their shoulders As I get older, I see the truth People doing dumb things, with nothing to lose As I get older, I see me as a dad, a father Setting an example for my thirteen-month-old daughter As I get older, I see a change. Me, getting off of the street. Me, ignoring the game As I get older, I see myself in the house Chillin’ with my baby girl, and my spouse As I get older, I see myself in college Acting like a sponge, and soakin’ in the knowledge As I get older, I’ll be a good person Use good language, and stop all that cursing As I get older, I would be like Martin Luther King As I get older, can’t wait to see my future -Ap, San Francisco
From The Beat: Does writing these essays, poems, reveal to you, that you have a good mind, a beautiful heart? You seem like a terrific spouse/baby daddy. On the outs, can you let the streets go, to get your knowledge from college? Yes, you can.
She’s Gone And I Got To Move On
My sister got killed in a drive-by shooting in San Francisco at the age of seventeen. It was supposedly a mistaken identity. She was the one who fed me, who made sure I had a roof over my head and loved me. She always kept me sane when I was wrong. I was right when I couldn’t count on anyone, she was always there. Dude wanted to earn some respect by thinkin’ he was smooth and killed someone who was needed and it was an accident. It seems like my life ended too, honestly. If I seen him today, I wouldn’t know whether to kill or believe in revenge but until that day comes, I don’t know if forgiveness is true or false. -SemahJay, Alameda From The Beat: What a terrible chance incident to happen with your sister. Sometimes it isn’t clear why bad things happen to undeserving people, or why bad people get away with the things they do, but rest confidence in karma working its way back to that person. Forgiving someone who did wrong to you for no reason is immensely difficult, but somewhere down the road in your life, you may find the anger you have toward your sister’s killer is actually killing you, and forgiveness will be the only way to let it go.
Grew Up On The Wrong Side
Since I jumped out the womb, I felt cursed. Daddy got gone and Momma stayed hurt. Grew up on the wrong side, so I had to put in work Looking up to older ninjas, who got merked. But, I do nothin’ but dramatize, and paralyze my visions. Since I was an adolescent, I never made good decisions. -Lucas, Marin
From The Beat: Nice poem. Sad, but your future doesn’t have to be tragic. You aren’t cursed. Nobody is. What stops you from making wise decisions? Self-pity may be righteous, but can also be insidious, if you allow yourself easy decisions to mess up.
Feeling Of Fear
I’ve been in here for two hundred and ninety days and they didn’t find me a place to go until a week ago. My mom didn’t want me back home and my uncle didn’t want to take me in. They sent me to two terrible group homes. It’s two hundred and ninety days of not being able to see my friends. My max time was up three months ago. I have court tomorrow and I have a warm feeling sensation in the pit of my stomach. It hurts sometimes. I want to know how I will feel to be free. I wonder if that feeling will go away or if it is just a feeling of fear for what will happen next. The feeling of fear is the same as the feeling of pleasure. It releases the same chemicals to your body. -Evan, Alameda
From The Beat: It’s normal to dread something you think you can’t overcome, such as your court date. However, you can ensure that you won’t dread anything once you’re out of the hall. You always have a choice.
I Am
I am the shark, swimming in her ocean And the baby, making music on one-oh-six I am that pole she slides down To make her money I am that street that’s popping Like the Fourth of July I am that sign that says danger I am the father of the boy Who was shot last night I am that freaky Friday When she loses control I am me The one who shows up in her dreams I’m the feeling that makes her quiver I am that dead end When you’re getting chased I am that one way in and no way out I am that caller on the other end Who you don’t know I’m the one Who just walked out the back When you came in the front I’m that feeling, when it’s something wrong I’m that feeling, you won’t live long Who are you? -T Doe, San Francisco
From The Beat: You describe yourself as tender, intimate, sensuous, but also way sinister, as if warning people about you, through your poem. You may be honest, but why is being elusive, someone no one can rely on, a dead end, who you want to be?
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Missing Out
This is my third time being away from home in June because of my behavior. It makes me sad June first was my mom and her twin’s birthday. June second was my girlfriend’s birthday. June tenth was mine June thirteenth was my sister’s birthday. It sucks not being there for the family on special occasions like those, not that many families have birthdays on the same month. Also, it’s my grad year, grad month, I’m missing out, too busy doing nothing here. -David, Los Angeles
From The Beat: That hurts that you have to miss so many family events. Why are those days special to you? What would your family say if you could make it? What’s been the favorite birthday that you’ve had?
Cell Time
When I’m alone in my cell Sometimes I stare at the wall It’s messed up when loved ones Won’t even answer your call I stand tall And just wait for a letter I got a girl and she writes me Saying things will get better I don’t believe her ‘Cause I’m going to the ranch now Staying quiet Time’s slow when you stand out Waiting in my cell These are my worst days Stranded in juvie Hell of a way to spend my birthday Soon as I get home!
Super Hero With 50,000 Dollars
Once upon a time, in Super Power Land, I was the coolest, strongest, funniest, fastest, hottest, richest super hero of all times, until I got turned back into the human that you see today. It first started when I was in my first year of college and I was sitting on top of the jungle gym, counting the nails on my fingers and it added up that I had ten nails on my hands. I was fascinated. All of a sudden, a piece of fried chicken fell from the sky. I thought it was a gift from God, so I hopped off the jungle gym and picked the fried chicken up, and when I did, a strange shock went through my head and I began to see weird things pop into my head, like I could see the future. I saw the death of Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan’s first dunk, the split between N Sync and the Backstreet Boys, Oprah, Tupac and Snoop Dogg and the last thing I saw in my head was a chihuahua and then it stopped. I felt weird. I didn’t know what to do so I put the chicken in my pocket and I began to run home and when I started running, that’s when I found out I could run as fast as Flash. It was crazy. I was running home fast, pantsing people, pushing people, and doing many other things a super hero does ‘cause I had a power, and when I got home, a ugly, hairy, stinky broke bum was at my door. So when I got to my stop, he was pulling out a big bag of tacos, but the bag looked too full to be tacos and I asked, “What do you want, you bum?” And asked, “Who are you?” He said his name was Deliown and he said, “Do you want $50,000 dollars, little guy?” And I said, “No.” So I kicked him, in a hurting spot on the body for a guy, and took the bag of tacos, with money in it, and ran inside the house and counted the money. He couldn’t count because I counted 50,000 and 25 cents in the bag. He was off a quarter, so that night I thought of a cool name to call myself, as I used my power and I came up with Sancho Boy. So I pulled the chicken out of my pocket and ate it and went to sleep. -Basedgod, Monterey From The Beat: We don’t think those are the kinds of activites a super hero would engage in, but we do admire your creative, imaginative piece, have you thought about using this creativity in a future career? How can you use your powers for good?
-Rico, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Sounds like you have lost hope that things will get better. But it is true, that if you make a change, you will find fulfillment in life. Just stay strong, stay positive, and stay hopeful.
The Game
Love is just a game, one that I used to play. This girl I tried to love was also a player of the game. She played it so well, it was unforgettable. She was my she-devil. She played the mind game on me very, very well. She made me feel what I wanted to feel. She was a very competitive player. I try to forget about her but she’s penetrated my thoughts like a brand that can’t be removed. Everywhere I turn, she’s there. I still think about her touch, which felt as warm as the sun’s rays at one point but now, when I think about them, they burn like a thousand suns. I try to forget about her kisses that tasted as sweet as a river of honey at one point, and now when I remember them, they’re as sour and bitter as a lemon with pure salt. I hate her, I love her, she’s here, she’s there, she’s everywhere. I want to forget her, but then again I think I don’t. She’s my she-devil that I want to forget, but then at the same time I can’t and don’t want to. She’s the one player I’ll never forget. -Javier, Alameda From The Beat: When two people invest in a relationship that’s not built on honesty, compassion, and commitment, then it can turn into a game, especially if one person is more invested than the other. If you want to stop the game-playing, what are some different ways you could address future lovers so you both are on the same page?
If I Got Released
If I got out I would not come back to jail. I would finish high school and get a job. I would also spend as much time with my family as much as possible. I’d get a car and make good legal money and learn from my mistakes and keep moving forward and never fall back to my old ways. I can’t wait for my new life when I get out. May not be today or tomorrow might not even be for five years but I’m still going to keep my faith until I have my freedom. One day that will happen and I would become a criminal lawyer. Not one that’s just doing it for the money, but for the kids that deserve another chance in life and to get their shhh back on track with their lives. -Lukas, Portland From The Beat: That’s a great goal. Kids need a lawyers like you who care and are passionate about their case. We wish you the best of luck and believe you can achieve your goal.
Freedom, And Chains
It seems no matter, if I’m locked up or not, I’m trapped. Addiction keeps me constantly chained, tells me what to do, where to go, what to spend my money on. It controls me. I’m scared to face it again, once I’m released. Going back to ‘the monster’ feels almost uncontrollable. Even if I don’t go back to crystal, the scars on my skin from using, will always remind me of my addiction. -Mary, Santa Cruz From The Beat: Maybe the scars can be useful, if they help you never to forget ‘the monster’. (Look up Santayana’s famous quote about ‘forgetting’. You can Google it.)
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Life
I get money like a clock ticks and tells time. Never trippin’ my shoes, stay laced. Yeah, I’m about mine. In and out the cell, like I got keys to the door. My stomach is never full, so I gotta get more. So much knowledge in my brain, like I got it placed in my head. I might have been gone for a while so nah, I’m not dead. Just on vacations, given to me by the people on top. Trying to get me out of their life, but I just can’t stop. Going to the max, until my casket gets dragged. When I die, you gone still hear me after that. I’m like air, to their game. Without me, it can’t breathe, So I stay, strapped like a baby in a car seat. More than one belt, just in case the other pops off. Real over here, ‘cause I talk, just how I walk. Got my head to the sky, and it’s never gone drop down. They say The Beat’s Within, but I hear no sound. -Young Life, Monterey
From The Beat: Great flow you got there, Young life. What does life mean to you? Is it a game, a vacation? We would love you to share some of that knowledge in your brain with us. We like the powerful voice that you’re presenting in your poem. That beat within, it’s the heart. Listen closely and carefully. We promise you that you will sure hear a sound.
A List Of What’s Important
Freedom: without it, you’re nothing. Education: gives you opportunities that you wouldn’t get without it. Family: they are always there for you and give you support. Without them, you wouldn’t be. They give you things you need. Daughter: I helped bring her into this world. I’m not there at the moment, but she’s everything to me. Self discipline: with it, you’re capable of doing whatever you want. Friends: they stick with me through good and bad. Well, at least mine do. -B, Monterey
From The Beat: You’ve said it all and said it well.
Listen!
It’s bad in Baghdad but where I’m from it’s a war everyday. Everybody and their mother is trying to get paid. No female wants you because all you want to do is get laid. Everybody dying, but they ain’t nothing but babies. Kids out here getting laid to rest over a street, ain’t it sad? Keep you head in the book, maybe you’ll stay alive and free. I’m just trying to tell everybody what someone once told me. Look at me now behind four walls making excuses, saying what I should have done, but it’s all too late. Just gotta plan a better future for myself. -Frank, Alameda
From The Beat: Your character is not determined by what mistakes you make, but how you respond to them. It is good that you are looking to plan a better future for yourself. Share your plan with someone, and find a support system to help you achieve your goal.
Wanting Her Love I hope I can love her. She’s my mom, you know. Even though she hits me, I want her love so, So much I can’t bare. So when I see her I Just stare, I stare at the Lady who messed up My life, and I smile Because God loves me, So she does, too.
-Breann, Alameda
From The Beat: It seems as though you’re a forgiving and grateful individual despite what you’ve been through with your mother, which is very admirable. However, you deserve so much better than the violence that’s in your home life. Who can you turn to for love and support when you’re out of the hall?
Living Without Cages
One thing I could live without is jail. Jail is stressful and acts as if we are animals. I don’t think no human being should be in a cage, no matter what you have done. Another thing I can live without is hatred. Hatred has nothing but negative outcomes to it. If you have hate in your heart, then nothing good can come out of the thing you hate. -Kenyana, Alameda From The Beat: Sometimes people feel like they’re in a cage even in their own school or home. If you could change the procedure of punishment so that people wouldn’t be behind bars, what kind of punishment should they receive for doing wrong?
Done Messing Up
I can always depend on my mother because she does not judge, nor turn her back on me during hard times. Also, she is more than just a parent, she loves me and wants the best for me. Also, I can always depend on her because she sacrifices to make sure her kids have an open mind to explore our selves without her turning her back on us or giving up on her kids. I am sorry that I keep hurting the person that I depend on, but now I realize that my life is more important than money and material things in life. So now I’m ready to be a Godly man and love my life and help others love theirs. -Davion, Alameda From The Beat: Your mom sounds like a wonderful person. Being the one that everyone depends on can be a challenging task, are there ways that she can depend on you too? Show her how grateful you are to have her as your mom when you get out of the hall by staying out and being productive.
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Decaying Beliefs
I have always been skeptical about everything. I have always questioned things like the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, etc. I remember when I was nine and knew that Santa was my Dad and other family members, so I put out cookies for Santa. Another thing I’m skeptical about now is “God” or “Gods” in general. I know there has got to be something greater than ourselves but is “God” really “God?” or is “God” just a misconception of extra terrestrials visiting earth in ancient times. Also Before Christ, there have been recordings of these other, worldly visitations. In Hinduism it says, “the Gods came after in this creation.” In that sense the “Gods” came after man was already on this planet. To me, if the “God’s” came after, or in Christianity “God” came before, what came before the “God” or Gods”? There must be a never ending chain of so called “Gods.” -Marley, Solano
From The Beat: Questioning and being skeptical is a good thing. You should look at the evidence in history, and in the various sciences to come to your own conclusion. My question is, if gods came after man how can he be a “god”? I guess a god of our own creation is no really a god; but the God who was before time? That’s where my questions and answers move toward. What do you think?
Forgive Me
I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. Done a lot of bad things to people. Made people and their parents shed tears. I made so many mistakes, but yet I don’t regret them. It made me realize what an awful person I am. I was stubborn, hard headed and let my pride get the best of me. Many crimes I committed and a lot of pain inflicted. I couldn’t sleep with myself at night. I’m not really asking for those people to forgive me, because I know that can’t happen even if I wanted it to. All I’m asking is for the lord to forgive me, so I could finally find peace with myself. -Matik, Fresno From The Beat: There is a lot of honesty in your writing that should be appreciated. We do wish that you find peace with yourself, both now, and for your future.
This Ain’t No Elm Street
See I’m up all night tryin’ to catch a couple Z’s But I live a nightmare and I’m scared to dream This ain’t no Elm Street, this some real life shhh I saw a knock get killed at the age of six I held my first glock at the age of eight While ninjas was on the block doin’ figure eights In them Benz’s I wanted to get like them My cousin lived that life, I wanted to live like him I smoked my first blunt at the age of ten (My cousin said it’s cool if I went with him) First got sucked at the age of eleven Me and my cousin, he had a Mac-11 I was at the BART scammin’ at the age of twelve I stole my Pop’s weed just for somethin’ to sell I hit my first lick at the age of thirteen Mom tried to save me but I was chasin’ that cheese Lost my cousin in the same year Bought a 40-Cal, lots of hate and a lil’ bit of fear Not too much shhh till my fourteenth birthday The shhh was bittersweet, I lost my uncle on my birthday Four months late, I caught my first case I ain’t do shhh, just in the wrong place -Kinshen, Alameda
From The Beat: It sounds like you’ve lived a “fast and furious” life up until now. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger, in what ways have/can these past experiences turn you into a stronger human being by the time you leave the hall?
Ghetto Truth - Minor Heat
he thinks he’s tough considered himself a man but on the run or running from the police on the block toting guns or gunning, but still running from the things that he don’t know. blowin’ dro, blow meth or worse, another lost and confused soul on earth fightin’ for death with all his might, diggin’ up dirt for his own burial site, thought he was free of playing the role of a slave, bet he was dumb and you know dummies are prey they called him ignorant - and had him acting like that built an economic structure of his back it may be hard to believe but some men learn their lesson in life that’s why i took the time to write we all conceived to achieve in this life pray the lord forgive us for what we ain’t know relieve us from the burden of hype remember you’ll reap what you sow; when we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves. in one’s own mind there exists only heaven and hell. like jonah in the belly of the whale for neglectin’ direction keep dudes at a distance they sell out pretend stab you in the back turn around and try to make amends again and again for their sins is the reason we fell from grace and adults wonder why why daddy couldn’t see me cry why school is tough in history full of lies why was i, as a child, despised why june had to die years later why - mama still cry if only one truth needs to be preached then why we all don’t recognize whether it’s religions or a color it’s all gang banging to me one from the west and one from the east and to my bro gone i know they rockin’ in peace. -Kid Rebel, Alameda
From The Beat: This an eloquent and inspiring piece, and it seems that you see through all of the hype that you talk about. How will you bring these realizations with you outside of the hall? Continue to question the reason behind the way things are, and keep searching for the truth.
Thanks To God, I Forgive
So I picked the topic on forgiveness because I got a lot of forgiveness for the guy that beat me. He was a mean, controlling guy. Even though he did what he did, I still forgive him ‘cause God wants us to forgive others as He will forgive us. -Unknown, Santa Clara From The Beat: It’s a very hard, emotional process to forgive someone who’s hurt you - whether it be physically or mentally. You must be a very strong person to forgive someone like that. Remember that while it’s important to forgive because it gives us a sense of closure and peace, you don’t have to forget. Remember what he did, who he was, and don’t return to him.
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People Who Support Me
I’m the type of person who is very outspoken. I’m the type of person who doesn’t take anything from anybody but I’m also the type of person who needs love and needs to feel loved and cared for when I come to the hall. Staff tell me all the time, you got to stop. For real though, this my last time because I got to do it for my baby and I love you guys, but I don’t want to see y’all in here. I’m goin’ to make it because regardless of what I did or do, you guys were there for me. Thank you guys, hope you read this. -Ventaysha, Alameda From The Beat: It’s great that you have support and have people looking out for you in the hall. What makes this time in the hall different from the others?
Getting Older
When I was young, I used to make a lot of mistakes. I would always get into fights, skip school, never do chores, stay out late all the time, from elementary to middle school days. I had a therapist, so I’d know all the reasons why I’d misbehave. I would always use those reasons as excuses. When I started high school, my behavior would escalate to doing drugs, selling drugs, stealing, stop going to school, and never staying at home. My excuse this time was having no parents, and being forced to fend for myself. It’s like, I didn’t want to take responsibility, so I’d make excuses. Now I’m in jail because of guns. I’m seventeen, and how realize I’m older, and can’t make excuses any more, because I’m an adult now, and nobody will accept my excuses. Not only will they not accept them, but, personally, an adult takes responsibility, and blames no one thing for mistakes. This is what I’ve learned throughout my life, growing up. -Jk, San Francisco From The Beat: Is your problem that the excuses you use, are the true reasons you’ve acted how you have, gotten into trouble, managed the best you could, but sabotaging your own life? Can you resist the real temptation to continue using your childhood to get what you want/ need now, and rely on your talents, willingness to work hard, to accomplish whatever you want?
Smile
She smiled at a sorrowful stranger. The smile seemed to make him feel better. He remembered past kindness of a friend and wrote him a thank-you letter. The friend was so pleased with the letter that he left a large tip after lunch. The waitress, surprised by the tip, bet the whole thing on a hunch. The next day she picked up her winnings and gave part to a man on the street. The man on the street was grateful; for two days he’d had nothing to eat. After he finished dinner, he left for his small dining room. He did not know at the moment that he’d might be facing his doom. On the way he picked up a shivering puppy and took him to get warm. The puppy was very grateful to be in and out of the storm. That night the house caught on fire, the puppy barked the alarm. He barked until he woke the whole house hold and saved everyone from harm. One of the boys he rescued grew up to be a president, all this because of a smile that cost a cent. -Nathan, Solano
From The Beat: This is a great story of how all of our actions cause a ripple in life. The question is how will your ripple move through life or lives? Hope you have a “Smile” moment or moments this week.
A PJs Christmas
Every Christmas my mom said Santa would come and leave PJs on my bed. I was so innocent at the time, I only believed what I was told ‘till one day I seen my mom bring out shopping bags from the car and go to every single room and see that “Santa” came and of course it never failed. We’d take showers and change into our PJs, then go to sleep and wake up in the morning to find a lot of presents under the Christmas tree. -I, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This sounds like a fun tradition, even when it was revealed that it wasn’t actually Santa that left the PJs on your bed. Will you carry on this tradition if you have a family and children someday? What other new, fun traditions will you create with your kids?
Leaving Home Love You Still
Loving you wasn’t easy, being sneaky, day and night, hiding my phone, deleting my messages. Before I saw you, I always thought it through. I can’t admit I really miss you. I let you go on the phones of Juvenile Halll, I didn’t cry till I went back to my room, I felt like a complete fool, I loved you so much. I can admit, I was dressing like g-unit, you were dressing like Lil’ Kim, everybody knows I will always love you till the end you were the first girl that made me cry. We only fought a couple of times, I loved you Julia, till the end of time, you will always be on my mind. I want to take you back but I don’t want to risk you getting hurt again. You hurt me and I hurt you, I thought we would last forever, but who new today’s a different day and if I could go back in time I would be back with you that’s the truth, if your wondering why, because I still love you. Loving you wasn’t easy, being sneaky day and night, hiding my phone, deleting my messages. Before I saw you I always thought it through. Now, I can admit I really miss you. Love is in the air and I still care, I love you, I truly do. Seeing your pictures made me smile at you even though I’m not around. Baby girl don’t even frown, if we’re meant to be, we will come back together. Do, what we have to do, to make it through this weather. I’ll still start responding to the letters, if it makes you feel better. -Savannah, Santa Clara From The Beat: Never stop writing, Savannah! You have a gift for rhyming, and conveying powerful messages through words. You are lucky to have somebody that you really love out there. Make sure to tell them that in as many ways as you can.
Once I was in Tijuana, Mexico. I got in trouble because my step dad believed his drunk friends, when they told him I gave their kids drugs, but it was them giving me cigarettes. I told him that it wasn’t true, but he said we would talk about it the next day. I packed my clothes and left. I was living for about two weeks on the street and that’s when I thought I would go crazy. I found a friend and I told him my story and he told me that his house was my house. That’s it. -Abel, Fresno From The Beat: Sometimes the worst kind of hurt comes from knowing your honesty is not being taken seriously. We are glad to hear that you do have people in your life that will listen to and support you, as well as appreciate your honesty.
My Father
My father, what can I say about my father. My father is that type of man you can’t really joke with. My Dad, I have to confide, has never said: I love you, son. Every time I come to the hall, I feel that we grow further apart. Sometimes I feel that he favors my siblings. Actually, I strongly feel he does. Regardless, he is my father, and I love him. -Juan, Santa Cruz From The Beat: Love is very powerful. You keep on loving and the odds are that one day your Dad will come around. Some men are afraid to admit to the strength of their emotions. They convince themselves that the words aren’t necessary. When you feel like saying something nice, say it. At least you’ll feel better for saying it.
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Court And Freedom
Every night before court I go to my cell and I repeat to myself, “I hope I get out, I hope I get out.” I pray to God one hundred times, hoping He’ll do something, but truth is I need to do something like better myself as a person and be a man to face the music. I write letters to the judge telling him what I’m going to do and what I’m not going to do. But I’m tired of all that, wasting my life on dong time is a waste of time. Home is a heartbeat away if I can stay far away from juvey. But to stay away from this place, I have to change myself as a person, which I’m willing to do to be with my family. It’s worth it, I shouldn’t’ have to come to juvey to realize that, and life is too short, so live it wisely. -Coy, Santa Clara From The Beat: You are absolutely right – changing your life and your circumstances starts with changing you. If you want to stay away from juvenile hall, then make changes in your life that won’t land you in trouble. Make a plan to get out, and stay out forever. Get your education and obtain your freedom!
Alone In My Cell
Hey Beat, I feel like expression about being locked up. People say I’m posting like a soldier chillin’ in my cell. But really, they don’t know that this is a living hell. I have the thug life tatted on my back. I don’t feel like that’s me talking. I feel like it’s the crack. All alone in my jail cell, wishin’ I got some mail from my family. I need their support because I’m losing my sanity. It ain’t healthy to have no support at court. Damn, I just realized my parents don’t want me home! So I’m just locked up all alone. Just posting like a soldier, chillin’ in the cell. -Lil C, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You have described being locked up as “a living hell”. How can you use your time for good? How can you be productive so that you do not feel such negative feelings?
The Beat, Our Magazine
The Beat helps me express my feelings and it’s great to read how others expressed themselves on topics I wrote on. It’s a great program to think about what you’ve done or what you’re going to do on the outs. The topics are great too. It’s always great how they publish some of our writing in our magazine. Thank you Beat. -Ashley, Santa Clara From The Beat: Of course! We love to read and respond to all of your writings, and your stories are truly touching. They make us re-evaluate our own lives and priorities, as well.
Would You Rather?
I would rather be as fast as flash. If you had super speed you could get away from everything. Cops wouldn’t ever catch you and you would never have to worry about ever being late to work, school, or wherever you need to go. Just depending on how you see it or what you would do, being super fast would be so much more exciting, but since we are only limited as humans to so much, I would be better, to just be me, and not take the easy way out for everything. I feel everything you get out of life is earned and nothing should be easy. -Keion, Santa Clara From The Beat: At the end of the day, all you can be, is the best you, that you can be. It is good that you are comfortable with trusting yourself. Improve yourself and soar to new heights!
My Baby Girl
Babygirl, I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done in the past. I need your help so much to change that I’m tired of living the life I’ve been living. I’ve been goin’ through so much that I’m tired of living the life I am. I regret ever leaving you and my son because I now realize that if I wouldn’t have left, I wouldn’t be in this place, and I’d be taking care of you and our son. It would be hard to lose you again because with you in my life, I’m happy. If I ever lose you again, it will destroy my life. You are my ride or die. I promise you from the moment I get out that I will never do you wrong or hurt you and my son again. I will never run out on you both because that’s not the type of guy I am. I’ll never be a dead-beat dad to my son and run out. I’ll treat him and you with so much love that everyday would be the best moments of our lives. Baby, you mean the world to me. I’m so happy that we got back together at last. I love you babygirl. Always and forever. -Adam Jr., Santa Clara
From The Beat: Now that you have a family, it is important for you to immediately get your life in order so that your family does not have to suffer at your loss. Be a good father to your son. He deserves a role model and guide in life, and we pray that he will find that in you.
Thoughts
In the bed of flowers lies your warmth of heart In the bed of life I hope we never part In the sky of light your beauty will truly shine In the sky of light your eyes linger in mine Though far away in distance we are not far in heart Though far away in distance we will never fall apart -Truancy Leader, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You gift for poetry and imagery is wonderful! Please, use your gift to make positive impacts!
Princess
Annabell, my princess there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you mamma. I love you. You’re my daughter and I swear to you I’ll be a better father. You’re everything to me, my little queen. I want you to be the best. Don’t let anything be a test. I don’t ever want you to stress. I love saying my mommy and then you’ll be like mine, inside it’s fine with me. I’m going to give you family, to make you happy my “hammy”. I remember when you were born and I held you in my arms. From then on I told myself nothing will do you any harm. I would go to he end of the world, all ‘cause you’re my baby girl. I love you Annabell. Daddy will be home, and when I am I promise I won’t leave you or Mommy alone. -Angel, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Children are precious gifts to us. You must take the time to get your life in order for the sake of your precious daughter. She deserves a father who is present and who is a role model in her life.
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Seventeen
Today’s my birthday, Beat! What’s good homie, that big seventeen! What you gonna get me, Beat? Haha just playin’. Just you guys comin’ in today is a great present. But it’s not such a happy day. Being locked up on your birthday isn’t any fun. I have family at home probably crying right now. It’s not a good feeling. I’ve been down all day today trying to put on a fake smile. I haven’t felt like this since Christmas. Missing my family and friends, reminiscing all day today. But forget it Beat, I ain’t trippin’. I can’t show that in here. Can’t be weak ‘cause I told you once before, Beat, I’m a soldier and I got to be strong. Can’t show any weakness. It’s that thug life going through my veins. Good night, Beat! -Young Jay, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Happy Birthday! We are glad to hear you made it to another year, but sad to see you had to spend your birthday in an institution. It is not easy to spend important days without the ones that we love, but as long as you have the solider mentality, sorry to say, chances of saying away from the system are slim. You know that, so make the choice that will make the family proud!
If I Change
If I change, are you willing to hang? If I say I don’t want to bang, What will you say? I want to change and I am, and I’m not Trying to replace your man. I got a life I need to live, got a lady that has a kid, My thoughts are all up in the mix Something I need to fix is myself. Stop worrying what others think About. Do me, take care of my lady And my family. Stop smoking, stop Selling, stop all this yelling. Don’t look at the past, look at today I’m willing to change, is that OK? If I change, are you willing To hang? If I say I don’t want to bang, What will you say? I was all up in the street not thinkin’ About me willing to die for my so Called homies. Now I’m in jail saying, “I should have worried about myself” Instead of putting myself down. I was nothing before but I’m Something now, new person That people wanna be around. I’m Here for me, not for you. Let’s Be honest, you know I’ve changed, Have you? If I change are you willing to hang? If I say I don’t want to bang, What will you say? -Savannah, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You’re going through some important, drastic steps in the right direction. Stay strong! Remember why you stopped your old lifestyle, even though it may be tempting to fall back into it. Surround yourself with positive influences, and be confident. You’re doing a very brave thing.
Why?
I’m out here everyday Just trying to survive But as the years go by Shhh got me wondering why? Why the good die young? And why everybody playing with guns They just shoot And don’t think about how they killing somebody’s son. The streets are crazy Everybody on the block trying to collect their funds My mama raised me good Pops wasn’t there So she did as best as she could But she couldn’t stop me from playing outside The streets got me like this So I’m never afraid to ride. I’d rather fight But my weapon never leaves my side And sometimes I wonder, why? -Young P, Solano
From The Beat: “Why?” is a great question to ask. Why have you made the decisions you have made? It is important to understand the reasons behind your actions so that you can move toward making better decisions.
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Beat Topics
I would take the super power and help others to become a better person. I would probably have a job that gets paid to help people who need help. I will go to my first cousin. I tell him everything. We both went to jail at the same time. I will change that going to jail. This is going to be my last time. I really made a big mistake in my life. I’m going to make something of my life. -The Change From The Beat: We hope that you will continue to draw on the support of others to better your life. You have a passion for helping others, and you should use it to help your community.
Superstar
I would have a super power and become a boxer or football player and make like smart and earned money, even though I would be better than most. But it wouldn’t be my fault I would be born that way. -The Player From The Beat: You can improve your sport skills with practice and diligence! Just keep trying!
Set It Off
I can always depend on my mom because when friend’s aren’t there my mom is going to be there. And when I need somebody to lean and cry on, she is going to be there. And I know the day I leave Earth, if nobody comes to my funeral my mom is going to be there. -Rell From The Beat: Your mother seems like a woman of strength and love. Be sure to lean on her for support during your difficult times, and make a change in your life to show her how much you appreciate her guidance and love!
Five Dollars A Day
I would take $5 a day ‘cause they end up adding up along the way, if I live long enough, to more than $50,0000. I would just put it away. I’d probably spend some here and there, but I wouldn’t spend any ‘til I felt like I had enough. When I got $1000, I’d probably spend $100 here and there and keep putting it up. I’d probably spend that $100 on clothes or something. I would save the money in my house. I would keep the money in a shoebox or something. Eventually, I’d move it to something like a safe. I’d keep the safe in my closet or something. -Montaque
From The Beat: That surely would add up to a lot of money! Perhaps you could put it in a safer location, such as a bank, or invest it in a company to increase your profit.
Choices
If I had the choice between super powers and $50,000, I would take the $50,000 and go give half the money to my mom and keep the rest and invest in a legitimate business so I can get my money back from my business and the money that I give my mom she can enjoy herself after all the stuff I’ve put her through. -Marvin From The Beat: Sounds like a great plan! What type of business would you start?
Superman
I rather be Superman or something and have superpowers, something like invisibility and to be able to fly. That way, I would be able to do anything and if I ever do get caught up I can just turn invisible and cut up out this place or a prison. And if the police ever try to look for me if I am in a high speed, they won’t find me because I’m a be blending in. I’m a be invisible and I’m a be getting hella cheese, robbing banks, and buying anything I need. -The Radical From The Beat: The way to be invisible in the system is to not commit acts that would have the police trying to locate you. That means, don’t commit crimes. Then, you will soar to new heights and fly high enough to reach your dreams!
I Can Depend On My Father
One person I could always depend on is my father. Friends or homeboys will turn on you for money or freedom. My family is willing to die, shine, go down to keep me safe. When I’m on the up, friends are always around. But when you go to jail, no one will remember you. Just write gang shhh on the walls. No letters, no food, probably no messing with my girlfriend while I sit in jail. Never know, probably with her while I write this. Friends will kill you for money, respect, and pride. My father would just get mad, but won’t murder me over material things. -Angel
From The Beat: You are truly lucky to have a family member who is there for you, even at your lowest points. Many friends come and go in life, but always remember those who have your back.
Being Bored And Listening To Staff
Being bored is when you have nothing to do. In jail, there is nothing to do but listen to the staff. They have all the power over you, and why? Because you messed up and got caught. Well, that is your fault but these people take advantage of you and call you a criminal. Staff can tell you when to eat, come out, shower, sleep, anything they want just because you got caught slippin’. If you talk back room this is the most boring time ever -Rafael From The Beat: Time spent in jail is not meant to be fun, but meant to make you learn from your mistakes. One way to do that is to sit down and plan out how you are going to avoid the same mistake in the future.
The Cycle
What’s happening Beat? It’s lil’ Josh from Neward. I been writing for y’all since 2009 – my first time I came to jail. It’s been three years and I’ve gone through the stages: probation, GPS, placements, and my time has come with this juvenile shhh. -Lil Josh
From The Beat: Josh, we hope that you are making changes to avoid recidivism. You do not want to get caught up in the system, to the point where it is difficult to get out. Take advantage of your time, and guide yourself to better decision-making skills.
My Friends
I agree to the quote from George Bernard Shaw because insanity does go around the world. Like when I started growing up, my friends before were good, but then time passed by and my friends started to do bad things like some started to smoke weed and some started to rob and most end up here. That’s why I agree to this quote. Insanity does come but different things during each person. The reason why it caused me to not do that is overdosing and seeing people getting addicted to the drugs. -The Friend From The Beat: Who we surround ourselves with definitely influences our decisions and our outcomes. Surround yourself with smart and positive people who make good choices that are in your best interest.
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Standouts Standouts
Which Power?
I would want to be able to run as fast as flash. I would receive $50,000 right here, right now. I would want to run fast so I can be the fastest track runner, to become rich. I would have the $50,000 so I could buy my mom a car and a bigger house and a car so she can get to work. -The Giver
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Speedy
I would rather have super speed and flight powers so I could rob banks and save people’s lives without killing people and getting into life threatening situations. -Rasaun From The Beat: Why not use your super powers for more positive things?
From The Beat: It is nice that you wish to do wonderful things for your mother. She must be a great support system for you!
My Girls The Money Question
I would rather get $50,000 right now than $5 a day because with that $50,000 I would invest in lots of stuff to double my money and keep it coming in because I have all kinds of hustles to keep my money coming in and doubling it up within a week, or two, and keep on doing the same thing over and over again and have way more than a half a million dollars before the end of the year so I can get a house out of Oakland and probably out of California to start a new life. Keep making my money in a good way and taking care of my family the way they took care of me just to return the favor they gave me. -Joevonne From The Beat: We think it is great that your focus is not on the money, but on paying back those who have loved and supported you throughout life. It is also good you are focused on safe and legal ways to make money, and not on the fast life.
About Me
What’s poppin’ Beat? Shhh I’m just in here waiting to go to court. Damn this shhh taking hella long, but when I get out I’m a do my time ‘cause this shhh ain’t no joke. I’m a do my time so I can show an good example for my brother so he can see me doing my time and finish his time. Man when I leave, I ain’t coming back you know what I mean? ‘Cause next time I come back I’m going to the Y. -Afnf From The Beat: It is good that you plan to get out and stay out so that you can set a positive example for your brother. What is your plan to get back on the right track?
Who Can I Depend On?
I can always depend on my family ‘cause they will always be there for me and I will always be there for them and my mom will always be there for me. That’s a good thing ‘cause most people.. -The Kid From The Beat: Family comes first. Support those who support you in a positive way.
Can’t Trust Friends, Only Family
I can always depend on family and not friends ‘cause friends turn on you and your family is always there for you no matter what. My go-to people are my brothers and sisters and mama. Sometimes you can’t trust some of your family members. Because I’ve seen one of my family members turn on me before. When their friend did something to my food my cousin didn’t tell me so I have to pop a skan. That’s why I depend a lot on family. And I’m tryin to lead my lil’ cousin Joneika and Joneice in the right way, but they keep coming here, but, I’m not setting a good example and I don’t like seeing my lil’ cousins in jail. But when I get out next I’m a try not to get caught. -Reggie From The Beat: The way to set a good example is to do more than avoid getting caught: it’s to make a permanent and positive change in the negative lifestyle you are leading. Set out to improve your decision-making, so that those who look up to you will do the same.
I can always depend on my mom and my girlfriend. Me and my mom talk about everything together in the car while going somewhere or going home. My mom has all her trust in me. Even when I’m lying she believes me. My girlfriend Jiana I could tell her anything I want and she’ll help me on my problems. She’ll be there whenever I need help. -Brandon
From The Beat: It is so good that you have trusting relationships with your mother and your girlfriend! Try building that trust even further by not lying and by making good decisions!
Money
Look money-money-money-money I love it bring that cash I’m getting money by the Second. Why you on your Last cent? You ain’t ‘bout Them dollar signs boy You ‘bout that broke Shhh why you at the Goodwill I’m chilling at the H and M. -Cashflow
From The Beat: Money is a material object that goes as fast as it comes. Without money, what are you left with? Focus on the truly valuable things in life, and don’t put others down for their lack of wealth.
I Hate Juvenile Hall! Extra depressed, worried, scared. I want to go home And be happy and new. Why won’t they release me? I want to be true. All I want is freedom And to be happy, I do. I feel like I’ve been Kidnapped, and held for ransom. When I look in the mirror I am so mightily handsome. Still waters run deep and are also meek. They treat me like a monster or some type of freak. -Kejwine-Kevin
From The Beat: You describe a lot of emotions going on at once in this piece, something we’re sure that lots of people can relate to in the hard times in their life. You say that all you want is freedom. How will you get that freedom and keep it once you’re outside of the hall? Remember, freedom is not just a physical state, it’s a mental state too.
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Fifty-K, Right Now!
I would rather get $50,000 right now because you never know if you’re goin’ to be here tomorrow, so I would do that. I need it right now to pay bills and other things I owe. If I live to seventy years, I could save up to $127,500, but it’s never for sure I will live that long. The oldest person I know is my grandfather. He’s eighty-five years old. -Ivan From The Beat: Having money to pay bills and live a prosperous life is a concern of everyone’s. Of course, no one is just handed $50,000 - what are some realistic (and legal) ways you can make money to take care of the monetary things in your life?
Pocket Money
Man, I’m back in here for another robbery and I said i wasn’t goin’ to do it no more but I did, and I’m goin’ to take my consequences as a man and keep it movin’. They goin’ to send me to ROP. I’m goin’ to do what I have to do to get out and get a job and do my own thing since I couldn’t depend on my family. I didn’t see that until now. When I was out, I had to feed myself and choose. There would be days when I would wake up frustrated because I was on the run, didn’t have no money in my pockets and I knew when I stepped out the door I was going to do something I didn’t want to just to put money in my pockets. -Shawn From The Beat: It’s admirable that you’re owning up to what you’ve done and recognizing that it was wrong. The fact that you can’t rely on your family only makes everything more difficult, is there anyone you CAN rely on, someone positive and interested in your well being? Focus on making money the right way - by earning it. Earning money, rather than stealing or hustling for it, will bring you much more gratitude and honor.
My Love of Artists
When I get stressed out, I draw. It’s my form of therapy. I’ve been drawing since I was about five. Who taught me how? My niece. She’s ten years older than me. She’s cool. Laidback. She likes to have fun. I guess our family’s just cool like that.
Leap Like Superman -Tackle
From The Beat: Do you think that drawing, and art in general, can keep you out of the hall? Being with family and doing communal activities such as art is a positive, healthy way to spend time. If your family is cool, spend time with them instead of doing things that could land you back in the hall.
One Person I Can Depend On
I can always depend on my mother because she has been there for me at all times. She’s never let me down with anything I went to her for, and in my mind I don’t think she ever will. I think me and my little sister are her motivation and that is why she is so special to me. -Vonte From The Beat: Have you told your mom how important she is to you and your little sister? It’s difficult to have someone you love locked away from you, so her knowing how special she is to you both would be comforting. What can you do to prevent yourself from ending up away from her again?
My Girlfriend Lexus
I would rather leap tall buildings like Superman. I picked that one because it would be so much fun and it is almost like flying and I always wanted to fly. Also, I would get very far too without walking, so leaping like Superman would be in my best interest. And another reason why I chose that one is because I would get anywhere I want quickly, just like Flash but with more fun because I would be in the air mostly. For the last reason, I would say it would be cool goin’ through the clouds and seein’ birds in the air flyin’ up close. -Marquise From The Beat: That sounds like a lot of fun! Superman is one of our favorites too!
Flash
I would rather run as fast as the Flash because if I was able to run fast I wouldn’t be in here because before I came to jail, I was in a running situation and I couldn’t do it but unfortunately, I got left by my “ninjas.” I would rather receive $50,000 in one day because I don’t know if I can live long enough to receive $5 a day. So I would fo’ sure go with $50,000 a day. -Keem From The Beat: Do not run away from trouble, but run towards freedom, positivity, and education.
She’s always got me in anything. Money, a ride or anything. She has a car so she comes Whenever she can. Or sometimes, I come to her When I can. Sometimes I just need to talk About what I need. Or sometimes I just be stressed Out on a lot of shhh. I go to her house a lot though, She really knows how to get me Relaxed. Sometimes my big brother, he’s Been through the same Things I’m doing right now. He’s been to jail so he tells Me to do things he did To get me passed.
Depending on God
I can always depend on God when I’m feeling down or when I want somebody to relieve my stress to. God is always a choice, no matter what. I learned to go to church when I was younger, so that’s what gave me my relationship with God. God is my savior. -Jonah From The Beat: It’s good that God can help you emotionally when you feel down or stressed out - everyone needs someone to lean on. In what ways can you help yourself stay out of trouble when you get out of the hall?
Wide Open -Tackle
From The Beat: It’s nice that your girlfriend is there for you, but in what ways are you there for her? It’s important to have an equal role in any romantic relationship. Does seeing your brother go through the same things you have make you want to change your ways or live differently?
I’ve been waiting all my life to find someone like you Now that it’s finally you and me, there’s no time to loose. You on my mind, seven days a week no matter what They say, even though your style is wild, I like The way you do your thing. -Vonn
From The Beat: This person sounds very special to you, how is you being in juvenile hall affecting your relationship?
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To Live Without
I can live without staff, jail, and programs that don’t make any differences. I mean, why keep people in jail over petty crimes? Especially if it’s their first time. Staff should follow the rules just like us. So, I feel I could live without staff today and stupid programs! -Fluff From The Beat: When people aren’t invested in the program they’re enrolled in, it’s hard for it to have any impact on that individual. Chances are, if you feel that a program is stupid, others feel similarly, too. What kind of program would you personally participate in that had the end result of bettering your future?
My Thoughts
I can live without drugs, music, friends, alcohol, and television. I think it is healthy to forgive because if you don’t it’s going to build up inside of you and make you angry. I forgave my sister for breaking my finger when I was younger and now we’re best friends. I always believed cops were here to protect and serve, and as I got older, they started harassing me, even when I wasn’t doing anything bad. -Raymond
From The Beat: What are your views of police officers and the justice system? Do you think they are fair?
The Things I Can Live Without
I can live without weed. I wouldn’t want to, but I can live without it ‘cause I don’t need it, and it honestly won’t help me. I also can live without the bad things in my life. When I say bad things, I really mean the devil because he is the root to all bad. I can live without being rich, but you don’t have to be rich to be successful. We all need money, though, to live. I can live without partying and going out because we don’t need it, and that’s a good way to keep living, by not going to parties because the parties that I go to are sick: shooting at the end of every one of them. I also can live without friends because family is really all I need. I love my closest friends so much, I look at them like family, so it’s really like I don’t have friends at all, just family. -Bobby From The Beat: It’s interesting that when you list things you could live without it’s because you don’t need them. Sometimes our society gets so caught up in wanting material items (drugs, money, etc.) that we forget what we actually need to survive and feel good about life (food, family, friends, etc.) How will you keep your life free of materialism once you’re out of the hall?
Reality
Sometimes I wake up and it’s dark. I get goose bumps and a chill running down my spine. That’s when I realize I’m doing time for the crime that took advantage of me, but only because I was partly blind. I regret the things that I’ve done. I know we all wish we could travel through time to erase what was done. But what’s done is done.
Like my teacher says, “Life’s a b--- and then you die.” But we decide whether we want to ride or die. It’s your decision to make the choice, until then I’ll head back to my cell and continue to make no noise. -Hector
From The Beat: The beat reminds you that writing and drawing are ways of expressing yourself – “making noise” in a way. Does “making nowise” through writing and drawing help you?
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Things to Live Without
I could live without jail. To me, it doesn’t have as major an effect as most people think. Sitting in jail does nothing but make the person angry and resentful. I could live without a gun because it shows weakness in a man if he’s constantly reaching for it. I could live without death, death just brings pain and grief to the living. -Tyiron From The Beat: It’s impossible to live without death, and although it may bring pain and grief to the living, it’s a natural and inevitable part of life. Where it becomes unfair is when an individual’s life ends early and cruelly. Sitting in jail does make people angry and resentful, which is part of the punishment. How will you prevent yourself from ending up in the hall again?
Living Without
I can live without drugs. I could live without violence, basically the materials. All I need is food, my family, and basic sorts of entertainment. I used to not be able to live without spray cans, but I faced the consequences and got locked up twice because of it. I used to think I was addicted to weed, that I couldn’t sleep without it, but I let that go. I don’t think I could live without the support of all my family. That’s the one important thing. -Socrates
From The Beat: You have a good outlook on life. It is good that you are giving up illegal things, and it is also good that you recognize the importance of a support system. Keep up the good work!
Juvenile Life
Life in juvy is a waste of time and nothing but a time to eat bad food and talk to people in the same situation. First two days are OK, and then it gets old. It feels like detention. At times it helps you stop and think about fixing your life and turning shhh around. -The Kid From The Beat: Juvenile hall doesn’t have to be a waste of time. Sure it isn’t an ideal situation, but you can make the best of it by spending time correcting your mistakes.
Music
One thing I can’t live without is music. I think music is important. -Von T.
From The Beat: Music is like the soundtrack to our lives. What is it that music gives us that is so important?
The Last Thing On My Mind
I used to believe that I couldn’t die until one day my BF died when I was twelve and that shhh was crazy. Now I know I could die by any cause. -Dawn From The Beat: How do you go through your day-to-day activities with this knowledge? Does this make you scared?
Hope and Dreams
I cannot live without my hopes and dreams. From The Beat: You don’t have to.
-Reese
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Lies To Make Your Kid Happy
When we get older our parents start telling us about the truth and they stop bringing us presents as Santa Claus. “He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” How is that possible? It’s because “Santa Claus” lives with you and that’s how you start to find all this stuff out. When you get older, you find everything out and you gain more knowledge than you used to have. - No longer believe
To Forgive
To forgive others is more easy than to forgive yourself because if you do something like make your mom cry, you’ll never forgive yourself and if your brother or sister hits you or does something to hurt you, then you have the change to always forgive them. And it shows that you have a good conscience and mostly a lot of people don’t have it. -Ricardo From The Beat: Forgiveness is freedom for yourself! Forgiveness is hard, but if you learn to forgive yourself, you will find freedom and joy.
From The Beat: What?! You mean to tell us Santa Claus isn’t real?! Just kidding. You are right though – getting older does bring knowledge.
Day Of Freedom
Without The Judge
One thing I could live without is the judge saying that a fourteen year old should not be running the streets, and then looks at my mom as unfit. I could live without the court telling me my maximum time, making me shed those tears but they say you possibly can get those years. That’s what I can live without. -Ce-Ce B
It’s the happiest day today. Tomorrow is the day I get out of here, juvie. I’m leaving home, I got wrongly accused of something real bad: rape. I did the best and took my case to trial and I won. Justice was made for me. -Sac Jr. From The Beat: We’re happy that you won a case against something you didn’t do, especially something as severe as rape. If you really are leaving home, what reputation will you build for yourself? Do you plan on starting fresh and clean?
From The Beat: Maybe the judge is right – a fourteen year old should not be running the streets. Instead, you should be running the classroom, getting an education, and making a better life for yourself.
Five Things I Could Live Without One thing I could live without is friends. Another thing I could live without is candy. The third thing I could live without is guns. The fourth thing I could live without is violence. The last things I could live without are drugs.
-Joevonne
From The Beat: It is great that you can see a life without guns, violence, and drugs. But can you really see a life without friends? Seems kind of lonely.
I am Gettin’ There
Yeah Beat Within, it’s your boy, Bo, back in this thing. Man, I turned eighteen in this thing, hella mad, right? It’s good though, I ain’t trippin’, they’re going to have to let me out. It ain’t like they’re going to give me life, you feel me? They’re talkin’ about sendin’ me to Santa Rita. I am not trippin’ though, I’m goin’ to bounce right back out and do even better, that’s it. -Bo From The Beat: Relying on getting out sooner or later isn’t an effective way to deal with your consequences. Yes, they have to let you out some time, but that doesn’t mean they can’t put you back in whenever, either. What can you do to stay out of juvenile hall and “do even better”?
I’d Take The Money Now!
I would rather receive $50,000 right here, right now. The reason I would choose this is because my family is going through a hard time and we need the money desperately. I would say the biggest reason is because I’ve done some shady shhh throughout my life. I’ve robbed people, I’ve even stolen money from my family and I’ve had plenty of time in this shhh to reflect on my wrongs and see ways to change my life into a positive role model for my younger brothers and sister and bless our family with the money so my future family can live well and they won’t have to suffer and stress economically and so my life can be worth it. That’s the reason I would rather have the $50,000 right now. -Christian From The Beat: Since you can’t get $50,000 dollars right here, right now, what are other ways to make up your wrongs to your family? You can still change into a positive role model for your siblings, and your life can still be worth something, even without material possession.
Without Fear
Life is about choices and decisions that we make We eat, sleep and breathe everyday, we take Some shhh for granted. Is it fair? what about the people that don’t eat, sleep, or have clean air? Family with diseases, they still try to persevere While we live life and try to leave without Fear... A hard life we all live Easy to endure it but We don’t all live, we Lose a couple here And there. We don’t try To cry because it’s Out of fear... -Lil Webbie
From The Beat: It’s hard to appreciate the vital things we have - food, fresh air, shelter, clothing - when we’re in an unfortunate position. Everyone goes through hard times, and it’s important to recognize that life is give and take like that, and sometimes we can’t help where we end up, only where we go from there.
Life In Jail
The life in jail is not fun. They have control of your freedom. It makes you think of all the god times and bad times. It also makes you think about your family, especially your mom. I think about how I can fix my mistake in jail. I’m gonna have to keep my head up. All the things that happen in life. -Lil Charles’ Brother From The Beat: Being incarcerated allows you much time for reflection – some good and some bad. Reflect on your past mistakes and then come up with a plan to prevent these mistakes from happening in the future.
The Story of My Life!
I think my go-to people are my family because they are the ones who inspire me and when I’m sad or mad they bring my spirit up. Yes, there’s nobody else that would do that to me, they’re my role models. I learned a lot of things from them, like respect and other things I can’t explain. - Cheks From The Beat: It’s great that you’re so close to your family, what is that they do to inspire you? Are there ways that you can inspire them, too?
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Am I Forgiven?
To forgive, I think is the hardest thing to do no matter what type of relationship you’re in. Whether it’s your parents, your friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. I had two personal experiences with this aspect, with being forgiven and forgiving someone else. Before one of my partners passed away, I did something real out of pocket to him and I figured that he would just get over it in due time. In the process of me asking for forgiveness, he was shot and killed and I always ask myself, did or would he forgive me? Mostly I ask God for the answers because I know he can’t come back and give me an answer. I just pray and try not to be so hard on myself. I always try to think that “the bad will always outweigh the good.” -The Original NacNac From The Beat: Asking for forgiveness is more than just saying you’re sorry, it’s recognizing that what you did was wrong and owning up to it, which is what you did/are doing. It’s very respectable, and while it may seem that the bad outweighs the good, the good does not go unnoticed, and sooner or later, what you give is what you get. To forgive is also to be forgiven.
Mookie Bear
Who I cannot live without is Darius. There have been times when he have been stuck together. When I was at my lowest, he came and wiped my tears. There were times when I felt so low my heart was broken. Darius is like my best friend. Without him I would be stuck and lonely trying to forget being without him. Sometimes being without him is hard, but I feel it will make me stronger. We have been through ups and downs, and highs and lows. I remember each night he would hold me ‘til I fell asleep. Or rap to me while we are in the car. Or is light brown eyes that sparkled. I cannot live without my Mookie Bear. Because I love him with all my heart. -Brandy From The Beat: Darius sounds like a wonderful and supportive friend. All of us need friends in our lives who help us when we are at our lowest!
Things I Can and Can’t Live Without One thing I can live without is friends. Another thing I can live without is guns. The third thing I could live without is fonk. The fourth thing I could live without is drugs and alcohol. The fifth thing I could live without is jail and police.
I can’t live without girls. The second thing I can’t live without is family. The third thing I can’t live without is my mother. -Yung Reggie
From The Beat: What exactly is “fonk” and why can you live without it?
I Can Always Depend On My Partner
My partner Alonzo because I know him from the hood and when I don’t have anywhere to sleep, he lets me sleep at his house. We be smoking hella dro and eating hella munchies. We hot box his uncle’s car and make burritos at his house. Sometimes we drive cars around Oakland. When I would run out of gas he would give me some money to pump gas and when we don’t have any dro, he would drop five on it and buy a Swisher. He always lets me roll because I got the bars. -Buddy From The Beat: It sounds like you have a friend that is there for you when you need him. Now, we challenge you both to give up smoking and focus on helping each other to succeed.
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Patience
I’m sitting here on a Tuesday night in juvenile hall. For the past week, I’ve been being told that I’m leaving, on GPS and FPU. I’m supposed to leave today. Forget it. I’m goin’ to be patient and wait for Thursday. -Karina
From The Beat: Patience is an important virtue to help get you through this rough time. How will you prove to yourself that you can get out, and stay out of juvenile hall, and the system in general?
Change For Love
I feel alone in this place, like I don’t belong here. I miss my boyfriend who doesn’t belong in jail either. We belong in our house, making a living, with an easy job. I deserve something good to happen in my life, because in first grade the tip of my finger was cut off. Fifth grade my house caught fire, and from age thirteen my mother (well, the lady that gave birth to me) started to abuse me. It hurt me because I wanted love so bad, I started having sex to feel loved. By the time I had sex with over six guys, more than ten times each, I was fifteen years old. Now my boyfriend changed my life, made me look at life differently and now I feel loved. It hurt me to know that someone would set us up and make us end up so far away from each other. I know when I get out and write him, I’ll be happy again. I love him, even though he might never see this. I want the world to know I love him. -Breann
From The Beat: Sometimes we are the victims of circumstance, and it seems like we can’t do anything to change our paths. While you may not be able to change where you come from, you can definitely change where you’re going. It seems you are headed down a better path with the love and support from your boyfriend, but being locked up does put a wrench in your pursuit of a life together. How can you both help each other to stay out of trouble?
My Routine
My routine on the outs is wake up early morning, eat something, get in the shower, get dressed, call up my ninjas like, “What’s up, where you at?” Now it’s eleven o’clock and I’m about to leave out the door. I meet up with whoever want to meet me around three o’clock. I say “What’s up” to my twin, go smoke with him, then at six o’clock I meet up with my ninjas. We get ready, then hit up club-live around eleven o’clock or ten-thirty. The function is over, then we get on the block and it be smackin;. Then I got o the house, hop on the book (Facebook), then go to sleep. What I did out the ordinary was waking up. -Keem From The Beat: Sounds like an eventful day! Try adding more to your day, like positive things that will help you stay free in your future.
Life Without Markell
My brother died on August 14, 2010. Life was crazy after that – in and out of jail for me. Christmas was not the same. Halloween was boring. Life was trucked up. Moms was stressing. Sisters and Dad was stressing. After that my mind was messed up. I went insane. Well not really insane, but mainly. So I joined a gang and now they keep my head up. They are my family, too. -Marrell
From The Beat: We are sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a loved one is such a tragic experience, and we hope you find a place of peace. However, we hope that this place exists outside of gang life, because with gangs come other things that may not be in your best interest.
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So Tired!
To Learn to Forgive
Man I want to be free So tired of this juvenile hall So tired of being around girls in their shhh So tired of waiting until my next court date Or my parole officer to come see me So tired of counting all the days and weeks in here So tired of being told when to eat, go to my room, Or when to shower So tired of trying to be nice to people And they take your sweetness for weakness So tired of staff waking your weakness to the head So tired of reading the same books over and over So tied of putting salt and pepper on my food So tired of going to my cell at eight-thirty So tired of being tired! I’m ready for a change.
I think it’s easier to sometimes forgive others for their misdeeds against me. My thoughts on forgiving is that it’s not good to hold grudges. You should always forgive people. A time I forgave is when I got into a fight with my long-term partner and he put his hands on me. We broke up but later on I called and told him that I forgave him. Another time I forgave was when my mom said a lot of hurtful things to me and called me all types of names. Sometimes forgiving isn’t always easy defending the person and what they did. I have a few people that I can’t forgive. I also forgive my father for never being there when I needed him. He was never in my life and I never knew who he was but I’m not holding grudges. I forgive you ‘cause you didn’t know. -Antonique
-Moo Moo
From The Beat: Forgiveness is the most powerful weapon you can use against someone. It says, “you cannot hold power over me any longer”. You are a very strong and brave person for forgiving those who have wronged you.
From The Beat: Change happens when you get fed up of doing the same thing over and over again. Now that you are tired of the same cycle, what will you do to make a change?
I Cry
I cry in the dark I am smile in the light You see a young beautiful funny Talented young girl But what you don’t know Is that I have a broken heart And need a friend to talk to But, I don’t trust you.
To Live Without
I can live without all the suckas in this world. I can live without all the haters in this world. I can live without the crooked police. When somebody seriously disrespects me I can’t forgive them. I believe in body for a body.
From The Beat: What about family?
-Joe
Getting Older and Getting Tatted
When I was younger, getting a boy’s name tatted was rule number one not to do. most of all, my female role models and siblings always told me that as a child. When I realized that this rule/belief didn’t apply to everyone, I was fifteen and in love. I came to terms with finding out that I wanted to get a boys name tatted is when I met Reggie. During this time, we were in love and agreed to get each other tatted. I found out that it was okay to get a boy tatted. When I realized that I was ready and willing and wanting to get it. My friends said I was dumb and stupid for getting him tatted but out of all my friends who got their boy’s tatted, I’m the one who’s stil with my baby. My mom was mad as hell but my grandmother was understanding. Even though I was told not to get a boy tatted, I’m 18, getting older and older and getting tatted, and I’m not ashamed of it. -Pretty Kevy From The Beat: Tattoos are very permanent. We hope you do not regret that decision in the future. But if you are happy with it, more power to you!
Remanded Again!
For the second time this month I have Been remanded again because the Judged wanted to be a snitch And feel Like she wants to have no heart, so What I’m goin’ to do is show my ass and Be what she wanted to be that day. -Daya
From The Beat: Fighting fire with fire is never a solution. Even though the judge may have been being rude, still be respectful and explain your point of view to her. How will you change your attitude toward the judge for the next time you go in?
-Teela
From The Beat: It’s important to reveal yourself to others. It is ok to be vulnerable.
My Baby
My baby, he drives me crazy I love his smile. When I’m down, he fills me back up. I miss being around him I miss his hugs I love everything about him When he’s around, I’m always happy. That’s just my baby. Without him, I’m nothing He’s my heart/universe/everything. I love his soft lips. -Prettie Jontika
From The Beat: It sounds like you and him have a good, stable relationship. How will your love for him help you stay out of juvie?
Getting Older
I can’t live without my family, they mean everything to me and I wish I could be with them when I get out of my group home. My four things I can’t live without is my brother, family, my lady and my supporters that try and help me and I don’t listen but now I’m getting older and I am starting to realize how a young man is supposed to act. Once I really get out of the system, I am going to change my shhh and listen this time, and take the right pass, the pass that is always there that God made for everybody that don’t need to change and for people that want to change. I thank God for that and I thank for the support my family has given me and not given up on me. I love my family forever. They give me advice, are always there for me, and talk to me when I need them. -Jacob From The Beat: It’s awesome that you have so much love and support from your family. What about this time is going to make you change? How will your prove this change to your family?
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I Love My Yaddy
Yaddy got my heart Can’t nothing tear us apart I’m so attached to him His love gives me a spark I never felt this way But I knew this is how it was going to be from the start The way he holds me, the way he kisses me, and how it seems Like I only see him when it’s dark I’m trapped in his love and don’t plan on getting out I love him so much, I’m here to stay He’s my everything, he’s gonna be my husband one day We in this together, we gone let the haters hate It’s us against the world, he’s the night to my day I can’t wait ‘til this is all over so I can see baby Yaddy’s face. -Nae Nae
From The Beat: Love is a wonderful and powerful thing. Use it to help motivate you to be a better person!
I Can Live Without
I can live without these nasty ol’ girls. I can live without violence, I guess. I can live without weed once in a while. I can live without watchin’ TV because you know that’s whack. I can live without coming back to jail. I can live without a lot of stuff. Until we meet again, I’m out Beat. -Lil Tyrell
From The Beat: These all sound like great things to start a life without!
Gettin’ Older
What’s happenin’ round, Beat? This is Casey coming to speak on gettin’ older. We all gettin’ older, our consequences are bigger than our consequences were when we were younger. We didn’t care when we was mobbing, now that we grown up and got older, mobbing got boring. So we all older, thugging, saying we been there, done that, regardless of the fact nobody can’t make you be real if you already fake ‘cause we are real from the start. Life goes on with you or without you. Gettin’ older is a gift these days. Stay up Beat, until next time! -Casey
From The Beat: It’s true that life goes on, regardless of what anyone does at any time. What consequences do you think you could face as you get even older? Does thinking about the possible consequences encourage you to change your ways?
It’s About That Time
I’m getting too old to be making stupid decisions. I mean, everybody makes wrong decisions, right? But I feel like I’m getting too old to be coming back and forth to juvenile hall. It’s not going to get me anywhere. I’m getting older, so it’s time to make changes. It’s time I take responsibility for my actions. It’s time I make wiser choices. It’s time I grow up and stop running away from my problems. It’s time I stop holding so much in and start letting it out. It’s time I stop fooling around in school and start getting serious. It’s time I stop putting my daddy through all this stress when he does nothing but help and support me and fight for me every time I come here. It’s time I stop putting MYSELF through all this because I’m only hurting MYSELF! Yeah, it’s about that time I step it up and become a better person because I know I can be. -Johanna
From The Beat: You are maturing into a very wise person. You are right, it is that time, and what better time to make a change than right now! Good job! We believe in YOU!
Alameda County
Volume A 17.27/28
Mommy’s Love and Care
As I hit rock bottom again, I noticed one thing. I saw myself mnakin’ life harder than it is and I noticed another thing. I was makin’ my momma suffer for the bullshhh I was doin’. She had always told me to stop all the stuff I wasn’t doing and to do right for her and I still didn’t listen and now I hit the pin again. I knew why she told me all the things she did like she knew what was going to happen. I feel it’s been my fourth time messing up and I know this is my last chance and this time I need to get out and do my thing right. I’ve hurt my moma so many times to disappoint her again. I miss and love her. I wish I could take back every tear I made her shed for me. Now I finally noticed another thing. I’m a get my shhh straight and make my moma proud and help her out. She needs me more than ever right now and she is carrying my lil brother or sister and she ain’t need the stress or need to waste more time for my bullshhh. I love her so much and I’m old enough to start helping her out instead of giving her more problems and things to stress about. -Maritza From The Beat: Don’t worry, it is not too late to change and make your mother proud. You do not need to keep making the same bad choices. For the sake of your family, make a plan to start life anew, and with a new focus on positive choices.
Still Happy
“Through all the pain and struggle, yeah I still smile House arrest on my leg, but I still smile Still cheesin’ even if I’m goin’ to be gone a while Still goin’ to get visits from youngest, to may oldest child Walk in my house, look in my closet, you can see this shhh I come from nothing, sometimes I can’t believe shhh Several whips rimmed up, I walk some long miles.” -Lil Boosie Rapper I think this really applies to me because I remember times when I didn’t have nothing. Now I got a little bit of something. I remember when we was living in a one bedroom apartment and we ate Top Ramen almost every time. -Too Smoov From The Beat: How does it feel to have made progress from where you were to where you are now? When you get out of the hall, will you continue to progress towards that something?
Life of a Sinner I’m living the life Of a sinner wrapped up In a blooded quilt soaking Like a river, waiting to come To that harsh stop which is The grave. I guess I just Worry too much about the Next day instead of this Day. Man I guess I should Just pray how I am going To cop and live through The day at night. I cry for My lost soul Wondering where It’s going to go. I sit in my Cell. All I can do is let my Mind roam in the dark and Just hope for the day to End on a happy note.
-Lil Baby
From The Beat: You have a poetic way of showcasing your emotions. When we feel lost, it is hard to find purpose. But hold on to hope – you will make it through.
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These Are My Tears
Football
Here we go again. Another waste of time. Twist-roll Drizzle drop. It’s funny how Our tears live lives too They there at the realest moments But instead they get balled up With the other Not so perfect homies Just doing what they assumed Is best for them At that time Place, and moment Twist-roll Drizzle-drop Not only us, but The tears that live Inside, wonder When you gone stop Holding onto those mid-high Road blocks Shshshshshsh Doop, coplash This is the sound Of my tears When I finally let loose Of all, of what I’ve been going through My are inside and I Know they with me That’s why I don’t trip When it’s time to be me Is you rolling, my tears?
My football career started when I was in elementary. I was a runningback. I played flag. I did pretty well until I went to hail. Then I rested my career. I started again in high school. -Running Back From The Beat: Football is a great sport! Only a couple more months until the season starts!
My Man
My mama always said all men are dogs. You can love ‘em and you can train them, but they are always going to be a dog. I have a dog man, yea I know he is a dirty dog. Not the kind that plays in the dirt but the kind that goes out and plays around but one thing for sure a dog may roam but he knows where home is. Anyways, I miss my dog man. We been separated for too long and we still have two weeks left. I hope this time flies by because I miss him so much. Now I’m going to tell you why I miss my man: 1) He is so funny and no matter how much I’m mad he always makes me happy 2) Anything I want he’ll give it to me 3) He’s never mad or gets mad or complains. He is always laid back 4) He has these sexy brown eyes that make me melt 5) X-rated 6) Whatever I feel I want to do he supports me and I miss that 7) He always tells me the truth 8) He doesn’t make or do drugs or anything 9) He loves me so much 10) We can see each other in ourselves so much more! -Mrs. T
-Lovely to the Bone
From The Beat: Our tears are expressions of our emotions. There are happy tears, sad tears, tears of fright, and tears of shame. What type of tears do you shed?
Live Without
I can live without fake females. I can live without ninjas that call you brothers but if y’all come to jail they snitch on you. I can live without this racist system that do you scandalous on your first case after you took a deal. -Watergun
From The Beat: These are all things we could live without too.
A Beautiful Woman
A beautiful woman with a beautiful life Exquisite body ain’t seen nothin’ like it A gorgeous face I wish I could wife it Rosy cheeks I wish I could touch her Not the right time nor place I wish I could have a chance, what do you say? I need you like a flower needs rain Lookin’ at you makes me feel like an old man without a cain We might be the ones for each other Don’t let my situation get in the way of us Because I go to court tomorrow and when I get out We gone be together like day and night One day you might end up being my wife That same night we maybe make a new life Please don’t let your beauty go to waste -Johnny
From The Beat: Sounds like the girl of your dreams. What else do you like about her? What else do you find to be a beautiful characteristic in a woman?
From The Beat: It sounds like you might love this guy. Make sure he treats you with respect at all times, and never be afraid to express your true feelings.
When I Get Out
I’m not going to take nobody’s shhh because I’m not trying to end up back in here. And I’m not going to do anything. I’m going to stay away from bad people. -Kenny Bo From The Beat: Sounds like a great plan! We hope you follow through!
Forgive?
I can forgive people if I really love them. Forgiveness is a part of me. I’m a loyal, lovable person and I have a big heart and if I’m hurt by somebody I care about, I may be mad at that moment but in my heart, I forgive them. I made a big mistake over the week and I was mad at myself, but I took time to say to myself, it’s always a right to forgive but never forget. -Bernice From The Beat: We learn from our mistakes by recognizing what went wrong, forgiving it, and then remembering why it was wrong so we won’t do it again. Forgiving others first starts with forgiving yourself, have you ever been in a situation where you could forgive another person but you couldn’t forgive yourself, or vice versa?
My First Love
I get mad everyday ‘cause I can’t see my first love. My mind goin’ crazy because I really miss her. You can call me DelliyBo because I remember I miss her. I got to stay strong because I really, really love her, so don’t get mad ‘cause you can’t get her. -DelliyBo From The Beat: “Love, never knew what I was missin’. But I knew once we start kissin’ I found love”
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Forgive For Relief
It’s hard to forgive people who hurt you. But, at the same time, it’s good for you, because you can build off of it, and it makes you stronger. Even though the pain stays for a little bit, you know that when it’s all done, you’ll feel a big relief. The way you feel, everyone deserves to be forgiven, but the situation should not and will not be forgotten. -Nistah From The Beat: When you forgive someone, must s/he be genuinely sorry, and ask for forgiveness? Can you tell if someone is really sincere or indifferent to your feelings? After the offense, do you ever just watch the person, to see how s/he treats you, before you forgive him/ her?
No Smoking
I used to buy three packs of cigarettes a day, but I got locked up, and now I don’t smoke. If I never smoked, I would have a lot of money. Now I’m deciding to quit smoking. I’m planning to use the money on important things, like my son. Another thing I thought of, is our health. I should stop smoking, because it’s bad for me and my son. Also, I want to get my General Educational Development Test (GED,) and take my time, finding another soul mate. I need someone by my side to raise my son. I can’t wait to go home, because it’s to my own house. -Chris From The Beat: You’re right, smoking can be lethal for your son and you. Is it easier to quit, now you know cigarette smoke can hurt not just you, but him, too? Positive decision-making may be the best legacy you give him.
Getting Out Soon!
What’s up, Beat? This is Listo Locs, comin’ from the max thing. I just got some good news today at court. I got the right to release to a group home, after being here a year. I was hella happy, because I have serious charges against me. I don’t know when I leave, though, because I still need to get an interview and get accepted. So, most likely, I’ll be up in here another three months, tops. I hope all my homies get a good deal, too. Right now I’m taking the General Educational Developmental (GED) Test, trying to make the best out this situation, while I’m up in here. So, when I get out, I’ll be good in the ‘hood, feel me? I hope my homies doing good in here. Never stop lovin’, feel me? Well, aite then, Beat, until next time. Gone. -Listo
From The Beat: Congratulations for getting your right to release. But with the serious charges you’ve already had against you, if you go straight to the streets to be “good in the ‘hood,” will your crew expect you to “represent”? Won’t doing anything illegal bring you right back inside?
My Man, My Love, My Future
I’m missing my boyfriend so much. I feel so depressed up here, thinking about him. Hopefully he’s not messing around with no females. It will scar my mind and my heart. I’m going to ride for him, no matter what. That’s my love. Early November is forever in my heart. I’ve been depressed. I’ve lost something valuable, because of my stress and depression-- my fetus. But, things happen. This ain’t puppy love, this is real. Females better know what’s up. I love Luis. I hate crying. Every time I cry, it’s because, if he leaves me, I don’t know what I’m going to do. But, I won’t beg. I love my man, and I miss his body. Ha, ha. Much love...his wife. -Vanessa
From The Beat: You have our hearts for the loss of your fetus. Your man may be grieving, too. This is a time when you may need each other, because of your pain, so, when you’re home, can you stay strong, not mess up, and be very kind to each other? That may help.
San Francisco County
Volume A 17.27/28
My Nightmare
When I look down I see a bunch of clowns Laughing at me How the cops got me down When I look up I think it’s the day My mind goes so high That sometimes I think I’ll die When I look to the right I remember about the crime When I look to the left My face starts turning purple ‘Cause the devil’s calling me for death My favorite thing to do in four walls, is working out. Not because I want to look so buff It’s the way how I can get the pain out. -Cutty
From The Beat: Nice poem. If getting arrested is humiliating, and whatever you do on the outs that brought you into juvy, causes the devil to entice you to die, how do you respond? To stop whatever you’re doing out there? Yes. Does writing about whatever hurts you so badly, also help you get the pain out? We so hope so.
A Loving Mother
My go-to person is my mom, because I feel like I can go to her about anything, and she always has an answer for my problem. Through all the pain and stress I put my mom through, she’s still there for me, showing love and care for me, and that’s why I love her so much. If things aren’t working between me and my momma, I always go to my dad’s graveyard, and just tell him all my problems. Then I get the feeling that I should just let the pain go. I miss my dad so much. When I get out of here, I will show him I can do better. -Alofa From The Beat: It’s wonderful your mom always helps you, but now that you’re alone in juvy, are you learning to rely on yourself to solve your own problems? Can you stop any mess, honor your dad, and make your mom, yourself proud?
I Would Flash Away
I would be Flash, not Superman, because I would always get away from the police. If I’m Flash, I would be running from the law all the time. I would be running, and tell the boys, “The hell with the police. (Boosie’ voice.) You can’t catch me.” Ha ha. -Pao Pao From The Beat: If you stay doing whatever brought you into juvy, should you might as well remain inside? Because the police can catch you, did already, and could, again, right? What about a new life plan, that includes a legit job, staying in school…?
Back Again
Damn, I’m back in here. It’s all good, though. I was going to have to come back sooner or later. Now they’re sending me to Arizona for a while. Oh well, stuff happens. At least I had a lot of fun when I was out. This time I’m going to stay. Well, it’s more like, I have to stay. I’m tired of coming back in here. This is starting to get hella tiring. I’m tired of eating this nasty food. I need to go home, and stay out of trouble. I have a four point o grade point average. I don’t need to be here. I could do way better. I got so much more potential than I show myself. -Nistah
From The Beat: Why do you mess up, so you have to go back to juvy? Although you may know what you’re capable of, are you also deep down afraid to challenge your talents, imagination, intellect? If you work hard, develop all your potential, who knows who you will evolve into?
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I Simply Miss It
I Don’t Know When I’ll Pass Away
I just simply miss it… I miss being out. I miss being home. My room. Home cooked meals. My brothers. I’m simply missing you! Late night cuddles and kisses. Watching late night television. When I couldn’t sleep You knew exactly what to do. Rub my back. Run your fingers through my hair. Softly scratch my back. You, falling asleep on me My hands around you. Point is, I miss coming home Going to my room, you waiting for me. The best time of the day for me. Point is, I just simply miss it. I simply just miss you. Always being loyal and, once again...
I’m the day of the bay Where your daughter got played. I used to get money every day No matter what way. So, when you see me, you better run away. I do this, ‘cause I don’t know when I’ll pass away. I got caught in May And I don’t give a damn what this cops have to say. I used to see my enemies, and they run away. They say I’m from nowhere. I see them in the eye. They afraid. Thanks for reading my shhh. Have a good day.
-Cutty
From The Beat: Do you do whatever, including threatening people, because you’ll die some day, and want a thrilling, wealthy life, before then? Won’t scaring people shorten your life expectancy, especially if they panic? Instead of frightening your enemies, could you make them your friends?
-Chino
From The Beat: You’ve missed being home for so long before, so why are you back in juvy? You have a whole lot of freedom to make up for. Where is your lady now? Why aren’t you together? Can you find, call, write her? Maybe she misses you, too.
I Should Be Going Home
Tomorrow, I have trial. I should be going home, but I can’t say for sure. I’ve been in here for a month now, and I’ve realized that this is not the life I want to live. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure this is even a life. It seems more like a reality check. And it has paid me well. I feel like a changed person. Even though I’m a human being and I will continue to make mistakes, they will not be jail consequences. -Malcolm From The Beat: It’s terrific that getting arrested and going to juvy has taught you that you don’t want to live like that. Going to juvy is a reality check, but it’s also very real. How do you want to change your life, and to create a new one? Best of luck to you.
Funny Guy
Aye, yo, my name is D Spunks. I’m a funny guy. Kind of shy, never cry, always fly, never lie Small fry, love pie. In love with money, like honey. We go way back, when we use to live for the money. You think you cute and smart, but you a dummy. -Dj Spunks
From The Beat: Is this poem written to a girl, who thinks she’s all that, but is a dummy, ‘cause she’s not that into you? Are you sure? Maybe she’s just shy. Girls usually like guys who are funny.
Back In This Thing
What’s good with The Beat? Damn, I’m back up in this thing. I can’t take this place. I don’t belong here. My mind needs to be on my education, and getting my diploma. I need to be on the outs, providing for my family, and doing my thing. I’m in here, suffering. I ain’t used to this. I need a female to hold. There’s hella dudes in here. I can’t wait to go home and knock some boots, and make a female release some tension, you feel me? I love making females feel good. I ain’t satisfied until she reaches that limit, you heard me? -Lil Puerto Rico From The Beat: You do need to go home. It seems like you don’t have a special lady, but have a good heart for them all. That often happens to guys who’ve been locked up for a while. All young ladies look good, so, can you be good, get your education, but also have some fun?
Secretly Falling
I was secretly falling for you, because, when you’d text my phone, saying, “Wake up,” “Go to sleep,” I knew you were thinking of me. Somehow, calling each other every day, I would never have anything to say. I was scared to say, “I like you.” You said, I had no game. Ha ha ha. I got you, though. I don’t need game, I need you. I never fell in love, but I’m falling in these halls for you. I can’t wait to see you. -Desteny From The Beat: When this guy tells you, you “have no game,” does he want you to have your own life--adventures, job, school, plans for the future, sense of humor, things you care passionately about, stories to tell, for your own sake, and so he can share them with you? If so, why is that so wrong?
I Need My Family
Something I can’t live without is my family, because, without them, I’m no one. I love them and need them. Without my mom, I wouldn’t be here, and without my grandma, my mom wouldn’t be here, or my uncles and cousins. I need my family. My family are the most important persons in the world. -Their Son, Grandson From The Beat: You seem to have a loving, close family. How are they doing with you away from them? If coming to juvy has shown you how much your family means to you, when you go home, you probably won’t be back, and that’s good!
The Voice of Trioh
Each day I feel closer and closer Of being home. I’m tired of sitting in my cold cell Thinking I’m all alone. I would’ve been home If I wasn’t bangin’ in the streets Thinking I’m Al Capone. I let the streets eat me alive That’s how I fell off. Now, I’m working my way back up With no day off. I ain’t no sucker, but don’t push me ‘Cause I pop off. I’m out! -Young Trioh
From The Beat: We cut the threatening parts of your poem, but if you plan to thug out your life, will the streets try to eat you alive again, when you’re back in them, out there? If you don’t stop the streets and/ or yourself, who will?
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Always Running
I ran from my group home again. The group home was in Vallejo. I was there for four days, and the staff drove me to the ferryboat. I was lucky, because I had thirteen dollars. I got ten dollars from Moms. Before I ran, she came and visited me, and gave me ten dollars. Then, in the group home, I sold my jacket for three dollars. They dropped me off at the ferry. It was a secret, though. I waited for an hour or two, until the boat came. I was kind of sad, ‘cause I felt bad for Moms, because, the day before I ran, she came, and the next day I took off. I stopped at the boat at the pier, and headed to my aunt’s home. I wanted to get some money and drop off all my stuff. I went to Mom’s friend’s house, because my aunt doesn’t trust me, so I couldn’t stay there. We took the boat to Fremont. I went to one of my friend’s house. I didn’t even know him, but my boy knew him. The next day, one of my other partners was walking to the store. I got wrapped up, because a school cop knew me, and pulled me over. He called more police, and he found out about my other problems. There were three of us, but only two of us went to the halls. I’m up here in the halls, and I’m on my way to another grouper in Lake Tahoe. -Runner From The Beat: Every time you run from your grouper and the police find you, do you have to go back to that or another grouper, to start your program all over again? Why don’t you just finish your program, and go home, free?
Forgiving Is Hard
I think it is easy to forgive yourself, and hard to forgive someone else, because it depends on the situation and what they did. But I understand violence is not the way to go. I ‘d rather get even, and then forgive. -S
From The Beat: How have you gotten even with someone, without causing any violence? Then, did you forgive that person? If the person was genuinely sorry for whatever s/he did, does that make it easier for you to forgive him/her?
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All About The Money
I’m all about the money. My tissue’s thick, if my nose get runny. I got it for you, if you’re acting funny. I’m on the short yellow bus So, you know I’m going dummy. -Yung Dough
From The Beat: What’s making you go dummy? Something on the outs, or being in juvy? We all get into a mood to jibber-jabber sometimes, when we’re tired, worried, crabby, and/or because it’s so fun.
I’m Done Running
What’s good with The Beat? This is one of my last writings for y’all. Today, I’m going to write about my last two weeks in here. What’s up? I’m gone in two weeks. Yeah, that’s right, going back to the calles. I’m done being a number and a paycheck to this staff out here. Not no mas. Chale. I’ve been here too long, in and out of the system. Damn, just a waste of time of mi vida. I’m done doing desmadres out there, especially running from my problems. Yeah, that’s right, running from group homes, running from home, running from probation. By the end of two weeks, I’m out going home, no probation, living free. Well, not free--I got a strike on me, and I’m not happy about it, but hopefully, I don’t end up locked up in the big boys’ house. This time I’m staying straight out there, living mi vida to the fullest, so that’s all I have for now. -Puppet From The Beat: You’re right, can you stop running, doing anything messed up, illegal? You have another chance to be almost free. What will your new straight, legit life be like? We’ll so miss you.
Now Or Never
It’s now or never, never. Never am I nervous, never sorry for shhh. What I do, I do on purpose. It’s curtains Once the streets hear these verses. -Rah Dizzy
What a Crazy Day
Me and my friends went downtown. We were in the mall, and I was scared, but I copped a pair of two hundred dollar Uggs. Ha ha, what a crazy day. We got away in the elevator. Great escape, and it was a great day. -Desteny
From The Beat: Why are you so proud of stealing those boots? They aren’t yours, they belong to the shoe store. Every time you look at or wear those boots, how do you feel? Are those boots the reason you’re inside, wearing camel-colored slappy plastic sandals?
My Brother Has A Good Heart
My brother is the one who can make me laugh. He ain’t no snitch. He always has my back. My “dad” says he has a good heart, and I won’t mess him up. I always play tickle fights with my brother. I always protect him. But, when I ran away last year, he told me not to, because I make him feel safe. He understands me. The last call I had, was to him. All he said was, “I miss you.” He sounds real sad. I wish I was there for him, but I promise you, little brother, I’ll be a changed person for you. I love you. -Desteny From The Beat: Does your little brother know where you are? That you haven’t disappeared from his life forever? And haven’t just become a voice over the phone? Will he understand why you’re back, when you go home? That may be as hard for him to adjust to, as your sudden leaving, so can you just not mess up and stay home?
From The Beat: Rah Dizzy wrote a poem! Although you write that you regret nothing, please don’t regret your future, which is on you.
My Neighborhood, Block, Corner San Francisco is a place where I grew up. In my neighborhood, is where I screwed up. My block is where I got schooled up. I was on the corner, when the five-o pulled up. I used to sell dope in the same house Dope fiends used to shoot up My team’s so hot People always trying to shoot us.
-Almost Grown
From The Beat: When you go back home, will you stop hanging with your team, because your block is so dangerous? If you don’t sell drugs any more, can you get a real job away from your neighborhood, to survive?
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive
To forgive. I will not forgive. I do not like to forgive. Some people like to forgive, but everybody is different, you know. I will forgive in a relationship, if she cheats. -B
From The Beat: What about forgiving someone is so hard for you, if the person is truly sorry s/he hurt you? Have you ever caused someone pain, and asked him/her to forgive you? Did s/he? How did you feel? If s/he refused to, how did you feel, then?
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Dimension
Check, please. You already know. Huh! First I get my money, and then I’m out the door. Mess up, then I tuck low And, when I don’t care, I just say so. A devil super sonic. I’m acting demonic. -Young Bleak
From The Beat: You have a lot of characters flowing through you. Tonight, it’s the devil, talking about his/your money, his/your indifference to how he/you get it. If the devil tries to induce you to create mess, how can you quiet him?
Getting Older, Getting Bolder Getting older, getting bolder Getting stronger, lasting longer Sniffing on that sugar Seeing life so faster and faster Beating up to speed Sipping on a high speed Going on a high speed Going on the rails Trying to post bail Looking at my sweet, very stale Pass me the sweet And pour some liquor for my homies
-Young Ill
Living Without
Man, the things I can live without, are these hating ninjas who want to knock my head off, pissed off, ‘cause nobody know you? Man, I’ll throw y’all some money, trying to see your weed, smoking lil blunts. But, yeah, another thing I can live without, is these setup skeezers, who’re trying to set up this trill ninja. I can’t have none of that, you heard me? Another thing I can live without, is me going to jail, for sure, for sure. But, I can also live without this staff telling me what to do. I can live without staff waking me up for showers, in the middle of the night. -Speedy From The Beat: You’re a really good writer, but parts of this essay are too hyphy, disrespectful, thuggish for The Beat. Although you don’t identify whoever you’re dissing at the end of this writing, we cut it. Sorry.
From The Beat: This poem is a little hyphy, but, is this the way you feel now? If speed, (methamphetamine,) coke, any drug is a major part of your life, to give you energy, get you high, what is it doing to your mind?
A Free Five Dollars A Day
I would rather receive five dollars a day, because it’s better than receiving fifty thousand dollars right here. I think it’s better, because you get more money by every year that passes by. -Antonio
From The Beat: After 27 years, you’ll still be getting a free $5 a day beyond the $50,000 others chose. Will you spend your money wisely, save it, plus keep your day job? You may never be rich, but you should never have to starve.
I Found My Other Wing!
I found my other wing, and I feel so complete. I love him so much. There’s no need to think twice. I love my baby, and he loves me, too. We argue almost every day, because I’m that jealous type of girl, but what can I do? But, one thing about me, I don’t depend on no ninja. I make my own money, ha. I especially don’t beg, yep. But I love Luis, like I never loved no one. -Vanessa From The Beat: Jealousy is human, understandable, but it can really wreck a relationship. The more jealous, needy you become, the more this guy may want to escape you. The more independent you are, the more he may want you with him. Sounds crazy, right? Men can get way jealous, too.
Love Takes Time
I love C. We were best friends And you got locked up. I told you, “I like you” And you were liking me, too. And you said, “You’re falling for me.” I told you, I was, too. You’re my first love. I got locked up, and I miss your touch. When we hug, you hold me tight. I never want to let you go. I miss you so much, it makes me cry. You let me trust. I put my trust in you. When I get out, I’ll still wait for you. Love takes time And I got all the time in the world. I’m here for you Even if it’s the end of the world.
Most Of All, My Great Grandma
-Desteny
From The Beat: What does loving this guy have to do with whatever you did that got you locked up? And he’s inside, too? How do you influence each other? Do you encourage each other to stay out of trouble, go to school, get some real work, help your families? And/or, to mess up?
One thing I can’t live without, is nice clothes. I just love to be clean and look very decent. Another thing I can’t live without, is money, because, without money, you can’t buy things you want/like/need, and I want a lot of things. Also, I can’t live without good food. I just love eating food that tastes really good. Another thing I can’t live without, is weed. I don’t know why, but, when I smoke weed, it really just calms me down, makes me feel good, and it just makes me feel like nothing can go wrong. But, the thing that I really really can’t live without, is my great grandma, because she always has my back, no matter what, and she’s always there. -Calvin
From The Beat: It’s great your great grandmother supports you, when you need her to. How are you managing in juvy without her, and without weed? Can you keep your mind open, responsive to life, without marijuana, when you’re back out?
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What’s Mine Is Mine
Why is it that girls feel they need to try to ruin a good relationship? Girl, he don’t want you. He’s with me. He don’t want nothing to do with you. You say he be “missing” you, but I ain’t worried. I know what I have, and what’s rightfully mine. Honey, grow up, move on. Time to act your age, stop being childish. You look stupid. What happened between y’all was the past. He’s moved on to bigger and better things--his present and future—me. Anyways, I just want to say Happy Father’s Day to the love of my life. You mean the world to me, and you are going to make a great father. I see something in you that shines. You’re a great person, and I’m happy we found each other. Baby, let’s shine, us three--you, me and our son, and show everyone we’re going to make it. Love you, Papi. Muah. -Yanet From The Beat: If any girl is trying to mess with your head by taunting you about your man, can you just ignore her? We hope your family is doing well together, but why are you away from him and your son? Don’t they and you, need you home, now and always?
Money
Money, money, money--that’s all we thinking. Girls love me, ‘cause I pay attention. Diamonds fresh cut, new fit, new shoes – that’s my description. Smoke a lot of weed--I be in my own dimension. Take care of people that I love--my mom and family. I know a lot of people, like Jay-Z and Gucci. My last girlfriend told me to make a movie. I’m so iced out by these diamonds and jewelry. -Dj Spunks
From The Beat: More than clothes, money, jewelry—bling bling luxuries that could be taken away any time, why not focus on people you love, like your mother and family? Isn’t their love, your real wealth?
I Can’t Live Without Music
I can’t live without music. Webbie makes that type of sounds, that makes you bob your head, no matter the mood you’re in. Lil Boosie makes the type of songs that tells the story you can’t speak on. He relates to most people in the black and brown community. Everything about music lifts my spirit, and lets me know that I’m not alone with the problems I face. When I hear Plies’ voice booming from the speakers, he speaks on the true aspects and politics on the streets. It amazes you, that a person with all that money, can relate to you so closely. With that being said, I can’t live without the uplifting joy I get when I feel music. -Killah Ant
From The Beat: You inspire those of us who don’t know your boys’ music, to listen to them. Do any counselors in juvy lend you their I-pods? It’s great that these composers, singers, rappers, give you strength, wisdom, and a sense that someone else in the world understands, and gives you their hearts.
San Francisco County
Volume A 17.27/28
Shooting Hoops/Shooting Each Other
In the National Basketball Association (NBA,) when they shoot, they get a round of applause. Out here, in the real world, when we shoot, we end up even dead, or in jail. It’s real messed up, but that’s just the way it goes. Only, if half the kids in the ghetto could end up in the National Basketball Association or the National Football Association (NFL,) things would be better than gifts on Christmas, even with a hot fudge sundae. Naw, I’m just playin’, but things in the world could be better. And, I bet, more mothers would have less heartache and less visitations in juvenile hall, county jail, and prison, but that, most likely, will never happen, because the government is dirty, and they hate black, Latino and Samoan people, especially males. But, you know what? It’s all right. Some day, somehow, we shall overcome. -Malcolm From The Beat: Come on, you know there’s a huge difference between NBA players, who shoot hoops, and youth, who shoot someone/each other with guns, right? There’s already terrific midnight basketball, but if San Francisco had more sports programs, would that help keep the young ones off the streets, and help stop them from shooting each other?
My Cousin Confides In, Cares About Me
My go-to person is my older cousin, because I really look up to him, and he tells me what he’s been through. He’s like an older brother to me, and he’s always straight up with me. He doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes that he made. He’s just trying to look after me, because he cares about his family. I would do the same, if I was in his shoes. I got much love, because he’s always there when I need someone to talk to. I respect him for trying his best to help me with my problems. -Antonio From The Beat: You’re so lucky and deserving, of your cousin’s guidance. Do you tell him how grateful you are? Now you’re alone in juvy, do you solve your own problems? Will you also share your experiences with your younger brothers, sisters, cousins, when you’re older, wiser?
That Special Someone
My go-to person is my boyfriend, because, when things get hard, I feel like he’s the one I can call on for help. He’s understanding. Not only does he listen, but it’s like he feels my pain, and where I’m coming from. It’s also a coincidence that we both are the same sign, so that’s kind of cool, too. Having someone there to understand and listen to our problems, is a true blessing. Not a lot of people have that special someone who hears them out, which I thank and love him for. -Alnisha From The Beat: Sounds like your man is a really good guy. When he’s hurting, confused, scared, do you listen patiently to him, too? Talk to him? Take him seriously, give him respect? If so, you’re probably terrific together.
I Love Leah
Fifty Thousand Dollars, Right Here, Right Now
From The Beat: Congratulations for the love you have for yourself. That shows real affection for, confidence in yourself. Do others also feel that way about you? You also love your mom, grandmother, brothers and sisters, so it’s not all about you, after all. Good girl.
From The Beat: Who could blame you for grabbing all that free cash, splurgin’ it all, once in your life? Who knows if you/any of us will ever see all that much money ever again? It’s nobody’s business how much you have, or spend. Enjoy it.
I love the way I laugh. I love the way I cry. I love the way I write. I love the way I smile. I love the way I dress. I love my sense of humor. I love the way I sing. I love my style. I love my attitude. I love my boyfriend. I love my granny. I love my siblings. I love my cooking skills. I love my mommy. I love the way I walk. I love the way I run. I love how I am silly. I love Leah. -Leah
I will take fifty thousand dollars, right here, right now, with no questions. What? Who wouldn’t do it? That’s five ten thousand dollars, ten five thousands, and fifty thousand. I would be trickin’ every day, like, “Baby, what you want? A Lamborghini airplane?” Lots of laughs. I’m clownin’, but she wouldn’t know I ain’t got enough--that’s one part of trickin’. She never knows how much you got. I ain’t savin’ spit. I splurgin’. Ha ha. -Rah Dizzy
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To Forgive
What’s up Beat? This is my third time locked up and the topic is to forgive. I say I can’t forgive my mom because she is trying to get rid of me. At first she wants me home, now she’s giving me up. I can tell I messed up, but I just don’t understand. That’s all I have to say. -Lil C From The Beat: You must find where you belong in life. And it is not in juvey. Maybe your mother has done things you do not approve of, but you should still find it in your heart to forgive, because the longer you hold a grudge, the more power you give others to control your future.
The Importance of Family
I want to talk about my girl and daughter, Abby and Annabell. Well I came back (to juvenile). I got failed from the ranch - ran on my OT, but anyway, I love my girl Abby, for real babe. I know we’ve been through some shhh together. You stayed by my side through everything and anything. You my honey. Together, we are gonna rise, side my side and watch our haters die. Feel me? I’d give my life for you. You’re the only person I trust and no one else. I need you, baby, you’re the light in my life and one day for sure I’m going to make you my wife. I know I’ve hurt you in the past and shhh, but I can’t change it. I can’t take it back. All I can do is make our future better. I’ve changed. I did it for myself and for our family. We have our beautiful daughter, AnnaBell. My princess. I love you mama. I love messing with you saying my mommy and you saying mine. Or when we listen to our song, “Faded”, we both shake our heads. What I love most is waking up to you smiling at me, saying, “daddy.” I love you princess, and I’m changing this shhh for you. I’ll be the father that I never had that I wanted. The one you deserve. But Abby, look maybe you’ll read this, maybe you won’t but you mean everything to me girl. Always and forever is the pinky promise we made. You’re the reason why I smile every start of the day. I need you, feel me? You’re my angel from above and everything I tell you, how much I love you, it’s all true. But my whole point to this is that you’re my girl, my world, my life, my beautiful wife. I love you Abby. Always have, always will. Your husband, -Angel From The Beat: You are making some wonderful promises to your family here. Make sure you follow up on them. Your word is your promise, and you must strive to make a positive change for the good of your family, especially for your daughter.
Every Night...
Every Night I sit on my bed thinking what’s going on with out me outside these walls. I read the letters that my girlfriend sends me and as I read them I think about all the good times I’ve had with her, making me cry. She shouldn’t have to deal with what I’m putting her through, but hey, she’s still by my side. The only picture I have of hers always stays by me. Before I fall asleep, I think of you and me. I know at the end we’ll make it and become what we said one day we will be. I just want to let you know I love you, and I appreciate you being here for me. As I begin to shut my eyes, I pray to God that one day they’ll say I’m released. To bless everyone that’s still here for me. I know everyone that still writes me or accepts my calls, are by my side. I just thank God for letting me choose the right people in my life to support me through thick and thin. Right before I fall asleep, I say goodnight to my girlfriend Alexis. My exact words are, “goodnight prodigy babies, sweet dreams my love. I hope you had a great day. Thank you for being here for me. I love you.” As I shut my eyes I know that the next day will be the same ‘til I get released. Thank you for listening! -Alma From The Beat: It is good that you appreciate the people the support you. People who stick by you are rare and you should never take them for granted.
Why?
Why do I do the things I do? Why do people think I’m a bad kid? Why am I such a trouble maker? Why don’t people understand me? I live my life here in the bay, a big city called San Jose. I hear this question day by day. I do not answer, just to delay. ‘Cause if you knew the pain I feel, you would not ask me for the spiel. I don’t feel good when you ask I’ll tell you soon ‘cause that’s my task. The reason I do the things I do is just to prove I am no fool and if you hate the things I do just keep in mind they hate you too. People think I’m a bad kid. It doesn’t matter unless you sin. I ask myself to understand the reasons why I am so bad. I want to change. I hope I do just understand the things I do. In closing up, I’m saying bye. Just please don’t ask me why, why, why. -Gerard
From The Beat: What does it mean to be a “fool”? Why are you so afraid of what other people think? Do not label yourself as a bad kid, because that is not what you are. You are a good kid, who made a mistake. You have potential, so use it.
No More Alcohol
The one thing I can live without is liquor ‘cause it only makes my life worse and messes up my relationship with my family. I been locked up eleven months and when I get out I’m a show my family I can live without it. -Sleepy From The Beat: Quitting an addiction is a very tough process. But you do not have to do it alone. Talk with someone about finding a support team to aid you. We know you can do it!
Emotions
I’m angry, confused, and anxious. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m paranoid and my evil thoughts are coming back. Using my experience in ju-jitsu and assaulting people because I feel they ‘re against me. All these things drive me insane. Literally and figuratively. I know I’m the smartest most intelligent minor in the unit. But my own thoughts make me sick to my stomach. I hate it with a passion. It ruins my trust for people and it ruins everything else. People hate because of my tattoos. But will never back it up when I tell them to come through. Even the minors with one on ones try to start stuff, knowing he’s protected. But it’s all good. I know I’ll be alright. -Juggalo From The Beat: If you are struggling to suppress negative thoughts, try speaking with a counselor, a psyche, or a trusted loved one about possible options. There are healthy and effective ways to manage stress and anger. The first step is recognizing that there is a problem, and that you have, now you have to put in the work to correct this. Keep us posted!
First Time
Hey this is my first time writing in The Beat Within so I’m going to talk about being in jail. Ok so this is my first time in jail and it really sucks. I really hate it in here, but I just have to take it like a man and me being in here has made me leave a lot of good things in my life behind. So when I get out I need to get those things back together in my life. -T From The Beat: Make jail a one time thing. Once you get out, never look back. Focus on education and the good things you have in life. You do not have to come back if you make the right decisions in life.
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Waste of Time
It shattered into a million pieces and now you want to try and fix it after six months? You want to try and attempt to fix what you broke now, and now you want to start where you left off, and all I can say is how are you going to fix something that’s not there, how can you start if it never ended? How are you going to sit there and lie to my face, with a blank expression, and you thought I didn’t notice that something is missing, but I knew all along, Just that little thing called a heart, but just because someone broke yours why’d you have to break mine? - Destiny Marie From The Beat: Even though your heart may feel broken, you must believe in yourself enough to put the pieces back together. Coming out of relationships is difficult, but you must always love yourself enough to make it through. You are amazing! You can do it!
To Live Without Liqour
Hey what’s up Beat? It’s Lucky back in here once again. Well, I’m finally getting out with no probation, so I’m hella happy. I’m out of here in August, so next time I get incarcerated will be country time. On today’s topic, I’m going to write on “To Live Without”. Well, one thing I can live without would be liquor. The reason for that is I was becoming an alcoholic when I was chilling with my homies and drinking beers every single day. So I think it was a good thing that I got locked up because if not I would have probably died from drinking. Well I’m out for now, Beat. I’ll be writing next week. -Lucky From The Beat: Next time you get incarcerated? How about believing that there is no “next time”. Once you are free, you should take steps to stay free (and live alcohol free), and not recidivate like so many do. You don’t have to jump from one institution to the next – you can be free of incarceration and alcohol!
Santa Clara County
Volume A 17.27/28
Visit
What’s good Beat? This is S. Well today I am goin’ to write about a visit that I had last night. Well I was glad to see my jefesita but things aren’t goin’ good. There are lots of family problems outside. Well the problem that they are trying to take my lil’ carnalito away from her. That made me feel mad, sad, and I got frustrated. Hopefully, I get released soon, and go home so I can help her and hopefully that don’t take my little brother away. -S From The Beat: We are sorry to hear about your family’s issues. It is surely difficult to deal with stress when you cannot be there physically to aid them. Stay positive and stay focused on recovery so that when you leave you are able to make a positive change for your family.
Use and Abuse
Hey Beat, well I would like to start off by expressing myself about someone who had hurt me! I wonder if what we had was true love? I know, that I loved him, I did everything for him, men seem to use and abuse! Two years and four months, of my life, wasted! When I came in here and he didn’t write to me, until I sent him a break up letter, but now I don’t know what to do! I’m not going back at all with him. I can’t, no matter how much it kills me, I can’t. I will always love him. Well Beat, got to run, see ya! -Christina
From The Beat: It is good that you believe in yourself. If you want to leave this person, keep your head up and stay strong. Learning how to be independent is sometimes hard, but very important. Always, always love yourself!
Getting Older Whats Cracking!
What’s good Beat readers? I don’t really like any of these topics, so I guess I’ll just write about what’s going on. I had court last week, and they just gave me another court date in a week. So tomorrow I have court, I don’t see the point of even getting another court date, because they say the same shhh! My probation officer hasn’t even seen me, or made my court reports for me. So I’m pretty mad. It’s whatever though. It is what it is. Well, there’s not much to say I guess. Bye! -Jamie
From The Beat: The system has many problems, and we are so sorry that your probation officer is not doing his or her job. You are a very strong person for struggling through this time, we are proud of you, keep fighting.
Pinal
Started to get letters, but they ain’t from you It sucks because that’s all I’m wanting from you Me! Just messing with these females, to burn my time Because that’s all that gets you off my mind Thinking of you every time I hit them four walls behind I fell so guilty inside, that now your running through my mind It’s hard to concentrate when these females are try to bribe me with there lines Try to fight these lines from getting inside my mind Babe don’t trip ‘cause they wishing that they were mine You got me from the moment you stepped into my life It’s beginning now, cause these kid games are starting to get to me now. -Pinal
From The Beat: Waiting to hear from loved ones can be torture. Use this time to gather your strength, so when you get out, you can make the changes to your life that will bring love back in.
Getting older sucks. I wish I were a little kid again. One belief I’ve had that got totally destroyed was the belief that I would never end up in jail. I thought that I was too slick. But I guess alcohol gets in the way of one’s being slick. Now all I got is memories. It sucks that I’m going to the ranch but it’s cool that memories fade. I don’t like to think about the outs in here. Especially about my girl. It’s whatever though. Nothing lasts forever. This won’t be long. -Richard From The Beat: Try believing that you will never come back to jail. Then make that a reality.
To Forgive
My thought on forgiveness is you need to have a very strong heart and open mind to forgive an enemy. I think it is way easier to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. People do this because of selfishness, and we think we deserve to be forgiven more than the person next to us. I, unfortunately, do not have the will power to forgive certain people who have done horrible things. I do not believe in forgiveness to others that disrespect me or my family. I forgave myself plenty of times when I know I didn’t really deserve it, like this time I robbed some kid and I really didn’t care to think how he felt. So I know people that you heard the saying by God about forgiveness, but since we live this trife life, I don’t believe in certain things when bad shhh happens to everybody and no one can change that. I believe in God, but in this world I’m not scared to die. I’m scared for where I’m going and that’s unforgivable. -Keion From The Beat: When you refuse to forgive others, you allow them certain control over your life. Don’t hold grudges, because then you are just holding on to pain that you could be rid of. Forgiveness is more for yourself than for the others involved.
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All You Need is Love
Everybody should learn to love. That is the key to the happiness and peace everyone searches for. God is love, and love comes from the heart. Therefore, God is in our hearts and had been. Learn to love and be generous because that will take us all far in life and bring us gratitude. Learn to be appreciative for what we have and offer even off the little that we have. Love comes in many ways. Put love to practice and we shall then be happy for all eternity. -Ambitious From The Beat: Love is one of the most powerful emotions. Imagine how great of an impact we can make if we love one another!
My Security
I can always depend on a couple of homies - not a lot, but a few. They’re from my neighborhood. They save me from major situations. One thing I can always depend on is my gun. When I feel sad, happy or whatever I am feeling, it is always with me. When I hold it I just feel the confidence within me that I can do anything I want. I use to go to sleep with it. It never left my sight. I love to carry it. Even when the cops are chasing me I refuse to drop it somewhere. It’s like something I love to feel. -M From The Beat: Without your gun, do you feel the same protection and confidence as you have with it? You should challenge yourself to build these up within yourself, so that in the absence of artificial confidence and protection, you are able to feel safe and secure.
Forgive to Forget
What’s poppin’ Beat? This is Droopy out the max. You forgive to forget. Basically, you learn to let go no matter what the case may be. Either you got your heart broke, or something that’s valuable you lost. Why dread on the past and hurt yourself when you can move on. I believe things happen for a reason, so roll the dice. The more you lose, the colder your heart becomes. Let time speak for itself. -Droopy From The Beat: Your views on forgiveness are really insightful! Is there ever a time when you should forgive, but not forget?
Myself
I’m sitting in jail. Most people would think you either did a serious crime or you’re just a bad person. I can’t speak for others but I can tell you I’m not a bad person, but I’ve done a lot of bad things to others. I’ve been hurt so I’ve done things where I can prevent being hurt, taken advantage of, etc. I’m automatically “me” when I meet you, because I don’t want to give you the chance to be mean to me and hurt my feelings or get me angry. I also turn back on people I’ve been played. I’ve told people personal things and have told people to start rumors. So before you can flip on me, I’ll flip on you first. Am I really protecting myself? I’m the one that hurt myself the most out of any stranger on the street. I’ve basically isolated myself and have made people hate me. Is this the way I want to live or die? I wasn’t protecting myself and now I have an idea of the way I should treat myself and others. I will always have to make changes to how I will treat myself and others but it’s worth the change to make myself and others happy and peaceful. -Irene
From The Beat: Sometimes people wear masks to disguise how they’re really feeling on the inside. It’s a sort of defense mechanism, and in many cases it works for the public, but destroys us on the inside. Change takes time, especially a change as big as the one you’re talking about. Be patient, and know that you’re not a bad person. Bad things happen to good people, but it’s what we do with those things that makes us who we are.
Living Without Technology
I could live without a television in my house because it’s just a waste of money. And I could live without Internet. I could live without a phone but I’d rather not because I would be able to keep in touch with a lot of people. -Techno Kid From The Beat: Technology often distracts us from what is important. Take quiet time each day to reflect on what is really important to you.
Worries No More
Well today I am going to talk about getting older. I’m getting older every time that I look in the mirror. Because I remember when I was twelve years old. That was my first time here, and now I am eighteen. I grew up in here, since I was twelve years old and now I am getting out of the system and I am going to be out for the rest of my life. Out of this place. I am not going to get locked up anymore. Well this is all for today. -Jacky From The Beat: Great goal setting! If you make the right decisions and stay on track, you can live a life of freedom and satisfaction.
To Forgive
I try to make myself forgive a friend of mine that ran away from my best friend when he died. I though homies will kill and die for each other, no matter what. At the time I know you’re scared and all, but you can’t let your fear take over and just do what you do. It’s been a year since he died, and I still can’t get myself to forgive my so-called homie. I have six street homies and they all were like my true family. I love them so much. Even though I can’t forgive the homie that ran, I still look at him like family. -Lunie
From The Beat: It is especially hard to forgive when we feel we have been wronged by a loved one. But often times, this is when it is most important to forgive. It may take time, and that is ok.
What’s Good?
I always screw everything up. I always tell other people and myself I’m going to change and be more loyal. I can do good, for quite some time, but there is always a stupid choice I make. I screw it all up. I don’t know what else to do. Try and don’t give up, yeah, I won’t ever stop, even when I’m finally making the right choices. I really want to stay loyal, because I always screw with my loves head and heart. I don’t do it intentionally. Well, I don’t know why I’m writing this, bye Beat. I guess until next time. -Jamie
From The Beat: It’s hard to stay loyal and make the right choices when you get caught up in the system. It’s not always your fault either. Keep writing, and let yourself be sad when you need to, but also be open to being positive and open to the people that love you! Keep your head up!
The Tooth Fairy
As I got older, one belief that got destroyed was the Tooth Fairy. When I lost a tooth one day, I hid my tooth and didn’t tell anyone where I put it, so when I woke up and looked in the place I had hid it and it was still there, I walked up to my grandmother and said, “I still have my tooth, but no money!” Hahaha. -Destiny From The Beat: It seems as though you like to test validity rather than just asking if something is real or not. What other experiences have you been in where you find something out for yourself rather than relying on someone else’s information?
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Dependables
What’s up with The Beat? I’m just chlling right now, just got a letter from my little brother. He updated me with good and bad news. Anyways, the people I depend on are my family, my main ninjas, God, my brother’s spirit, and especially myself. Places I go are the cemetery or San Francisco and the city lights. I’ve been down ever since I’ve been here, but I always keep my head up. I thank everyone who supports me and doesn’t give up like most people do. I go to my family, because they always got time to listen and always got my back, wrong or right. Also, when you’re shining at the top, and you hit rock bottom, a lot of people who say they’re there for you, are gone, but your family will still stand by your side. As for my ninjas, my main ones, one phone call they’ll be with me in a heart beat. No matter what time or day, they’re ready to ride, attitude family, but when I feel like I’m all alone, I go to city lights or drive all the way from San Jose to San Francisco. Go to the piers and reminisce on times we spent there. Yell as loudly as I can, listen to the ocean hit the rocks - just let everything out. That’s all Beat! I let her, do her, feel me? The Beat Within! -Maniac From The Beat: Dependable people are rare in our lives. You are right, during hard times, it is hard to find a group of people who stick by you. We are glad that you are able to have people in your life that you can depend on.
Forgive but Never Forget
To forgive is not easy. It’s not and I understand that. But unlike some people I forgive but never forget. It seems like every time I’m being nice it seems like some people don’t appreciate it. They don’t see my good intentions. But I forgive them because I try to better myself and never stoop that low again. -R From The Beat: As long as you find it in your heart to forgive, you are on the right track. It is understandable why you would choose not to forget certain things, because to forget would make you vulnerable to further harm. Still, do nice things for others, because that is a reflection of yourself.
Changing My LIfe
I’m changing my life, I’m going to do right. I can’t wait to be home with my family. I’m good off the gangs. My main priority is my family. I gotta do what I gotta do to succeed in life. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my family. I can’t wait to be home for summer. It’s going to be the first time in two years to be home with my family for summer. Wish me luck, Beat. Thank you for everything! I’ll see you next week. -Christina From The Beat: Good luck to you! We’re confident that you’ll do well on the outs. Two years is a really long time to be away from the people you love. Cherish every moment with them and remember your priorities.
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Snakes in the Grass
Wass happnig Beat? I’m in this thang like swim wear, you feel me? Anyways, these sneers is real trife. They talking about they’re so solid and they’re going to keep it one hundred if we get pinched. But they end up squealing like a duck. Ain’t that some shhh. All I’m saying is watch out for them snakes. I keep my eyes peeled and my grass cut. If I catch any of the snakes I’ll let the cannon bust, so when I see you snakes, best believe you better duck. Holla at you next week Beat, that’s it. -Smooth Dre From The Beat: Instead of focusing on the snakes, focus on yourself. If you don’t do anything sketchy, the snakes have nothing to snitch on.
Moms
I can always depend on my Mom. Love my moms. She’s always the person I can depend on. She’s always there to give me advice. She always supports me. I love her a lot; always can ask her for anything. She has so much wisdom and is very smart. No matter what my problem is, she can tell what it is. -Kiddo From The Beat: A mother’s love, wisdom, and strength are irreplaceable. You should draw on these qualities, so that you can improve your circumstances.
Still Learning
What’s good Beat? This is your boy coming out the max unit. I’m facing serious time right now. I feel like my attorney isn’t trying to help me at all. I’m getting hella frustrated. She tells me if everything in court goes one hundred percent in my favor, which is damned near impossible. I’m going to get ten to twelve years. She told me this so calmly, you would have thought she was requesting me ranch time. It’s whatever though Beat, I ain’t tripping Beat, I did what I did and I regret nothing. It’s just the life. -Young Jay From The Beat: It is disappointing that you do not seem to be focused on how to fix your mistakes, but on how much time you are going to get. Perhaps if you work on changing your ways, you can prevent even harsher sentences in the future and your lawyer would see that you care about your future. If you don’t care now, why should she care?
It Helps to Forgive
To forgive is a big part in life. Without forgiveness you wouldn’t be able to let go of many things and you never make the effort to forgive until the very last moment. So the best thing to do is at least forgive yourself first. Then you will be able to forgive others and forget about what they did to you and move on and let go of that grudge. So give it a try and try to forgive and forget. -The Forgiver From The Beat: Why do we wait until the last moment to forgive? Is it because deep down we know all along that forgiveness is the right path to choose? Or do we realize too late how valuable forgiveness is?
My Love
I’d have to say, my go-to-person is the love of my life. He doesn’t let me have a frown on my face, and wipes away the tears that run down my cheeks. He always has my back and will go through hell and back to keep me safe. When I’m around him I feel comfortable, like no problem in the world matters, because he is there. I could tell him anything, and as a matter of fact, I have told him everything. He is my best friend, and has proved himself by sticking by my side through thick and thin. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to care about me at this time of my life. He’s my ride or die, my go-to-guy and that, no matter what happens, will never change! -Jahkya From The Beat: Just like you feel lucky to have found your go-to person, he is lucky to have found you!
I Mean It!
All I got in this world are my balls and my word, and I don’t break ‘em for anybody. If I say it, I mean it. If I mean it, I say it. I’m a man of principles and morals and I stand for them, when someone goes against them. If you plan something and you get caught, better do your time and keep them dimes in your piggy bank and that’s just on general principle. Stop lying and stop snitching. -Lips The Kid From The Beat: Your word is as good as a promise. It is terrific that you hold being an honest man in such high regard. Perhaps this will seep into you leading an honest life on the outside.
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Haters
What up Beat? Its Young Shooda back at it, still rocking shhh locked up in this place stressing out about different shhh. I barely got a letter from my girl. She said she loves me but I don’t know. She be on some playing shhh. Some females be trife, so I can never trust a female. I was out there getting money, watching out for fake ninjas ‘cause they be on some hating shhh. They hate the way I be thugging ‘cause ninja I be rocking shhh and that when ninjas turn to females, the same ninjas you rock with turn on you and start snitching. Wishing to take your spot and waiting on you to drop so they can hit the top. But what goes around comes around. Look at the clock. Time is money and fast money is all I thought, but you can’t imagine when you hear that cell door lock. But can’t hold a real ninja, ninja real talk. -Shooda From The Beat: It is good that you are cautious with handing out your trust, but you shouldn’t be completely guarded from trusting others. We hope that you find a positive support network to engage with so that you can develop lasting relationships with others.
My Neighborhood
Well what’s up Beat? This is your boy Temper. I’m a talk about my neighborhood. Well, first of all, I have the best taqueria in San Jose. I am always posted up with my boys walking the block, always up to no good. SJPD rolls by and everybody starts bookin’ it. Well, finally the system caught me slippin’. I’m gonna be in here for a cool minute, but like they said, “do the crime, do the time”. I ain’t trippin’. I’ll miss those good burritos you’d munch on but some day I’ll be out and go back to my favorite taqueria and munch on those good burritos. Well my time is over and I’m about to go back to the box. -Temper From The Beat: Why are you always up to no good? Hasn’t being up to no good landed you in jail? Wouldn’t you like to see your freedom again? The way to stay free is to stay out of trouble, and leave the “no good” alone.
Forgiving Mom, to Forgive Others
What’s good with The Beat? Well the topic I want to touch on is “to forgive”. I would forgive my mom for everything she did to me and my lil’ bros. Why I would forgive her is so I can build on other relationships with women that have authority, ‘cause my mom pretty much kicked me and my bros to the curb and no I don’t trust women but I’m overcoming that issue. Hopefully I will be able to overcome this issue. -Slick From The Beat: You give others power over you when you don’t forgive. Your grudge is hindering you from developing positive relationships. You allow yourself the opportunity to grow when you forgive.
Hard To Forgive Myself
Forgiveness is easy, Beat. It’s easier to forgive other people than to forgive myself. I could easily forgive the cops that brought me in and the people who are talking. I could never forgive myself for leaving my mom with three kids. Because I was the man of the house. I brought in the money and I could never stop hating myself for leaving them for all these years to come. Good night, Beat. -Young Jay
From The Beat: Please do not hate yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, and all mistakes have consequences. But the only way you lose to your mistakes is if you let them haunt you and prevent you from moving forward.
Understanding Myself
My go-to person is myself. Because even if a person tries to understand you, they won’t be in your shoes. At times we mean to judge and act like we’re perfect, but when you are in the spot, who are you to look at? What kinds of things can we say that would make another person think that they can understand? So what? We do nothing? We just fall in depression and blame other people but at least where we stand. That’s why the person to go to is myself! - Intruder
From The Beat: It is good that you have the confidence and security within yourself to trust yourself when you must. But you should also try and build healthy relationships with others so that you have a support network to lean on.
To Live Without and To Forgive
I can live without fast food. Fast food isn’t a “need”, it’s more of a craving or want. I couldn’t live without food. Food is something you need to survive. The person I had to forgive was myself in order to move on. I had to forgive myself in order to move on. I had to take a good look in the mirror and man up. I need to stop lying to myself because if I continue I will end up hurting myself. So this is my “to forgive”. Look myself in the eyes. -The Kid in the Mirror From The Beat: Forgiving yourself may be one of the hardest things to do. Nobody knows you like you know yourself. It is good that you were able to do that.
Ask For Help
Life is not always about doing things by yourself. Sometimes you need to ask for help and advice to get you to where you want to go in life, this makes you confident about yourself and lets you know what’s right or wrong. So do not be scared to ask for help. Believe it helps. -Shooda
From The Beat: You are absolutely right – sometimes it is best to ask for help. You don’t have to go through anything alone.
Do The Time
What’s good Beat? Well today I didn’t like any of the topics so I’m going to talk about how I’m doing. Well, I have been here for about seven months and it really doesn’t feel that long. I have court this month but nothings going to happen. They have been continuing for four months already. It sucks. All I can do is wait. It sucks to not know when you’re going to leave or what you’re going to get. It’s funny how you read in The Beat Within that people in regular population are tripping off of a month or two, after a month they what to change and leave their hard life. I don’t have anything against that but if you did the crime, you have to do the time. So whatever anybody gets, ranch or house arrest, you should do it, because I got house arrest three times and I failed every time. Now I just wish that I listened to my parents and everybody else who told me to do good. If they give me something I’m going to finish it because this is my last time here. So hopefully God helps me out and everybody else in here. -Jose From The Beat: We often ignore the advice of others because it conflicts with our desires, but it is never late to listen, and make a change. Make sure that you make good decisions so that you get out, and stay out.
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Almost There
Santa Clara County
Volume A 17.27/28
I cannot wait ‘til I get out! I am going to be an adult soon and I am excited. I’m about to get a steady job and do good. I pray to God everything goes good for me and my family. -Eb
Role Model
My Mind
From The Beat: Your sister is setting a powerful example. She is telling you that it is never too late to change, and that changing for the better is worth it in the end. We are confident you will join her!
From The Beat: We are glad you have goals to make sure you don’t end up back where you are. We hope you are successful in all that you do. Good luck!
I don’t give a shhh about some people. Why? ‘Cause they don’t give a shhh about me. So I live life every day how I want to live my life so I do what I got to do. I care about my two kids that have not yet walked on this earth yet. I can’t wait until I get to hold them in my arms and just feel my own kids that I made. -Abe
From The Beat: Focus your attention on those who do love and care for you, like your children. Once you are released, become a positive role model for them so they can look up to their great parent!
Would You Rather?
What’s up Beat? It’s your boy Chino again chillin’ in the hall, you know, once again. Well the topic for today is ‘would you rather?’. Well, would I rather get $5 a day for the rest of your life or receive $50,000 right here, right now? Well, I’ll receive $50,000 so I can buy my daughter everything she wants and get hella drugs and flip it so I can triple the profit and spoil the shhh out of my daughter. Well, that’s about it Beat. -Chino
From The Beat: Chino, drugs and children do not go together. Put down your dangerous lifestyle, and make better choices for the sake and safety of your daughter.
Today I felt good. Listening to my sister’s voice, it made me happy. I miss my sister so much. She said she stopped drinking and smoking weed. I felt proud of her. Hopefully she can keep me out of trouble when I get out and I can help her stay in school and get her high school diploma. -The Kid
You Only Live Once
Why should we all live? My opinion of living is not much because you only live once. But if you die and come back, then you’re one lucky person. But overall, most people only live once. That’s why I always do a lot of stuff to have fun because you never know when you’ll die! It could be in a second and you’re gone. That’s why you just have fun with your life as you can. Gone! -Swiss From The Beat: When you find meaning in life, then you are able to live it fully. We all do live once, but what do you make of life, and what legacy do you leave behind? Take the time to make a positive impact on the world.
Would You Rather?
I’d rather receive $50,000 right here and now instead of $5 a day for the rest of my life because you never know when you’ll die. If you were to die next week, you’d only have like $35. Would you rather be locked up and live forever or be dead and free? I’d rather be dead and free because I know eventually everybody will die and I’ll be with them. -C From The Beat: Very smart of you, C. We didn’t think of it that way!
Stressing Out
Q-vole Beat? Pues I been stressing out a lot Beat. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I’m stressing ‘cause first I’m fighting my second strike. Second, I don’t know what’s going to happen in my court. -Ig
From The Beat: Good luck to you. Be a positive leader, so that you don’t see strike three!
Money Money
I would rather receive $50,000 right here right now because I need that shhh so I can pay all my bills and shhh and so I can move out the house and ya, that’s it. -Mauricio From The Beat: If you ever stumble upon such a load of money, then spend and save it wisely!
Tear Drops and Closed Caskets
What’s good Beat? You had a quote of the week but I really didn’t feel it. So I’m about to tell you my favorite quote: “I live day by day not giving a care and when they ask me why I pause for a minute and then I reply, ‘because life’s a bitch and then you die!’” That’s how I feel. So what’s the meaning of life if we all die and that’s real shhh. If you only knew a gangster’s life. Live life to the fullest and ride ‘til you die. -Fredd Jezzy From The Beat: Do more than “ride ‘til you die.” Use your potential to make a real difference while you still have the opportunity to. Find meaning in life, and then use this to truly live life to the fullest.
Lean On
What’s crackin’ with The Beat? Today’s topic that caught my attention is ‘I can always depend on.’ But before I get started, let me send my utmost respect to my family doin’ time. Keep your heads up. Anyways, the person I can always go to for comfort is my lady. Even though we went through many nights and days fighting and arguing, we still made it through. For example, when I was on the run, she let me stay at her house. Now she’s pregnant and I’m hella happy to be a dad. Anyways, this is all for today. To all that know me, stay up. -Listo From The Beat: You’ve got to make a change for the sake of your child. Children do not often fare well in negative or dangerous environments, and you have to be present to protect him/her and guide him/her to a better life.
Depend?
Who can I depend on? The only person I could depend on right now is my grandma. That is because she took care of me most of my life. She’s the only one I turn to when I have problems. Though, most of the time, I’ll just take a walk around the park. That’s just what I like to do all the time. But if I don’t have the option, like I do now, I’ll just read myself to sleep. -Swiss From The Beat: Sounds like you have a good person to support you. It also seems like you are doing healthy things to stay on track, like reading and walking. Good for you!
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In These Streets
When you’re living like me there’s no promise that you’ll see another, ‘cause tomorrow is never promised. You gotta do your thing to survive in these streets in the city of San Jose. It’s just an every day thing out here. Gang bang, selling cream, breaking young girls’ dreams. You see them teaching lil’ homies the ropes to survive ‘cause it’s crazy out here. So gotta pack that heat. Always gotta be ready to ride for your homie, die for your homies. That’s what he told me. Since then, I been livin life on the edge, putting it down, not giving a care in the world. As I got older, I realized I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain. My family was also, but I had to do what I had to do. Hopefully, someday I can change my ways. -Slick
From The Beat: It is no secret that the streets can be a dangerous war zone where you have to defend yourself. But try replacing drugs and violence with education and positive relationships. When you commit crimes, the entire community feels the pain. When you do well, the community celebrates your triumph.
Dad
I depend on my dad. He always gets mad, Or ends up kind a sad. Only when he knows I do bad. Whatever it is, I always don’t care. I can tear out the memory; forget or maybe he does also. When it comes down to “go to”, He would wait for my call. So I don’t end up, back in the hall. I’m eighteen, soon to be back on the scene. July, tell my girls not to cry. I may have to change. I won’t have no place to go if dad isn’t there. Then I may, start to care.
Random
What’s up Beat? I’m not feeling these topics today so I’m choosing to write about how I just got sentenced, for the second or third time in five more months. I am going back to the Ranch for a second time. I’m kind of irritated about that, but it is what it is. If I decide to do the program, then it will be a year and some odd months when I get out. So it ain’t really too long all together, ‘cause I’m going to move when I get out, so I’m not going to have to do aftercare so that will be sick. I’m just looking forward to getting home with the fam and the homies so that’s my motivation to get back and actually make an attempt to successfully pass the program. I’m going to cut it right here and hopefully when I get out, I stay out so ‘til next time. -Rascal
From The Beat: Do not let deviant behavior become a habit. You have to take the time you are sentenced to prove to yourself that you are worthy of more than this. Don’t waste any more time getting into trouble. We know you can do it!
My Baby Girl
I miss my Baby Gurl so much that it’s hard to be in here and away from her. I look out my window everyday, thinking of her and my son, praying that they’re both safe. Every time I get a letter from her, it brings me joy to my heart. It’s hard to be in here wondering if she’s safe or not. My Baby Girl means everything to me, so I’m going to fulfill my promise to her and change my ways. I look at my ceiling everyday thinking back on the good times we had. I love my Baby Girl so much that I would never hurt her or do her wrong. I love you Baby Girl Yolanda. -Babyface From The Beat: We are glad you are looking forward to making a positive change for your girl, as well as for yourself. It is good to be positive during trying times. We know you can do it!
Gettin’ Older
-Have To Change
From The Beat: Start to care now, while you still have support and resources to help you. Do not wait until the consequences get worse.
Who Can I Depend On?
Gettin’ older, heart gettin’ colder My pops told me keep your head above your shoulders Choose your partners right cause the game gettin’ colder I’m so solid, can’t crack under pressure It gets cold outside, so I keep a heater in the sweater I love my family so I ask the Lord to bless us I fear no man but God, listen close Cross that man then its over, call it toast That’t it… -Smooth
From The Beat: You have a gift for poetry and rhyme. Why not use this as a way to build your life in a positive way? The life you speak of in your poem, is a recipe for disaster.
The person I can depend on is my best friend, even though he’s gone and in a better place. I still could depend on him if I needed someone to listen to what I have to say. That’s weird, but I know he’s listening. -Lunie
From The Beat: It is not weird to feel connected to someone you loved, even if they are not still physically here. Stay positive, and remember those who provide you with support.
$5 a day, or $50,000 today?
I would rather receive $50,000 right now! One, I would pay $10,000 for the best lawyers and if he gets me out I would use the rest of the money to invest into some company to get my money doubled or maybe even tripled. Then after a time I would become a millionaire! Wait, only if it’s a good company. -The Kidman
From The Beat: Sounds like you have a financial plan! Investment is a good way to make money the right way. Sure it may often be a gamble, but if you do your research, your odds of winning go up!
These Days
Ever since I’ve been growing up I been loyal and been giving trust. But so many have backstabbed And so many have fronted It’s like ninjas these days, Can’t keep it one hundred. They talk shhh behind your back And then smile in your face, That’s how you know right there, Those ninjas are fake. That’s what I got to say, About ninjas these days. -Ton
From The Beat: Perhaps you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Recognize fakeness when you see it, and stay away from it. Surround yourself with people you trust and people who will be a positive presence in your life.
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Lucky
What’s up with it Beat? It’s your boy Young L once again. Well I ain’t feeling none of these topics so I’m going to write about something else. Well first of all I’m hella happy because I got PTOR and that was the last thing I was expecting when I walked up in that courtroom. I was all like, “ You serious?” and they were like, “Damn right!” So I said, “For sure, give me as much hall time as you want.” So first thing when I get out, I’m going to go chill with my ninjas from the hood and also second thing I’m going to do, is go spend time with my family and my lady. I’m going to have hella fun, not having to look over my shoulder to see if the cops are going to pull me over. Well I’m out Beat ‘till next week. Loving all my loved ones. -Young Lalo From The Beat: We are happy to hear the good news. Take advantage of this opportunity to really reflect on what you can change to avoid further and harsher punishment. When you get out, the first thing you should do is make a list of positive goals you want to accomplish, and make a plan on how to achieve them.
I’m Out
Well Beat, this is the last time that I’m writing to you. I’m getting out on Saturday and it’s time for good actin’, no probation. So thank you for letting me express myself, and so yeah, I can’t wait to get out. I been thinking about what I’m going to do when I get out and I think the first thing is spend the day with my dad. You know to try to fix our problem and then I’m a get in my Cadillac to hit the streets. -D From The Beat: We hope you get out and lead a positive life so you don’t end up back in the system. Take care and good luck!
Won’t Be Right ‘Til We Free
This the life, I won’t be right ‘til my ninjas free. They throwin’ us time, it’s crazy. White man never wanna see a black man make it. I’m a go dumb if they send me to prison. I love my family, and now I ain’t gonna see my little cousin for six years. But it’s gravy when he gets out. It hurt me when I got the news. But fools still hittin’ licks, tryna make it. Hoping Santa Clara ain’t my final destination. -Lips the Kid
From The Beat: Sure, the system isn’t always fair, but you still should take responsibility for your part. This is the only way that you will begin to make a positive change by taking ownership and accountability.
Fake Is Fool
What’s cracking’ beat? Its your boy Smiley, coming out the max again. Well I usually don’t make it in this thing, but it’s whatever though. Today, I’m a talk about random real shhh. Well one thing that pisses me off, when I read The Beat is that there are always fools writing about gangs and they don’t even know what’s up. Like they be saying gangsters be killing each other over a color, but that ain’t even the real reason though. They don’t know what’s up, you feel me? Also, I hate when there be some weenie, fools, coming in here like they hard, but then you end up seeing his true colors. In here, most people talk shhh behind other’s people’s back. They should just run up or shut up. -Smiley
From The Beat: Senseless violence is senseless violence, no matter what the reason. Imagine if we all put as much into better the community as we do to destroying it. You should but all that “being honest” into honest work to better your community.
Santa Clara County
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The Block
Well being in here, makes me miss my homies from the block All my ninjas probably doing it live reppin’ AA off top. The hood life is the good life, Stayin’ solid never turning triffe. There’s always a time and place to do something and I picked the wrong time. Now I’m in a cell thinking about all my crimes. The Hall ain’t nothing, though I consider it daycare. Only problem is, if you ain’t cool with the staff, they don’t play fair. It’s crazy, when you on the outs and your ninjas always got your back. When you locked up, they don’t ever write you smack. But it’s coo,l they out there holding it down And these fools in here, got us dressed a like, looking like clowns. Best believe, when I get out, its going to be bad. I ain’t talking crazy ‘cause I’ll be posted at my pad. But damn, I love all my homies, they all my brothers I say that cause we always down for one another. Every gang out there will end up losing a gangster, So this letter and all my love is for the homies. -Keion
From The Beat: The Hall may not be punitively challenging for you, but it should challenge you to want to make a change in your life. Take the time you have now to pursue a life outside of crime. You can do it.
Streets
Someone I can always depend on, is my baby’s mama, because she keeps it one hundred. Just being with her, makes me say forget everybody and isolate with her for a couple weeks. Then come back to the block and start handling business after a month or two. I do the same thing to cool off for a little, because the police want to catch me slipping. The streets are hectic but I chose this lifestyle and I’m in love with it. What can I say? I’m always going to be the villain in this world. -Top From The Beat: It is disappointing to hear that you are set upon being the villain. What about all the positive things you could accomplish?
To Live Without Drink and My Dad
What’s up, Beat? This is your boy Kevin. I’m feelin’ this topic, “To Live Without”. Well, I know I can live without alcohol. The reason why is I’m not a drinker. What I couldn’t live without are my mom, cigarettes, weed, and girls. I know for sure I could live without my dad. I’ve been living without him ever since I was born. -Kevin From The Beat: Why not eliminate drugs and alcohol entirely from your life? That is a positive change you could make to better your life. Drugs and alcohol can be very destructive to your life.
The Last Time
What’s up Beat? Well today I’m going to talk about my release day. In three weeks I’m getting out, and it’s going to be my last time in here because I’m eighteen, so they give me the opportunity to get out, without probation and I’m going to stay out, the most time I can and I will, do better decisions this time. Because I grew up in here since I was twelve years old, I’m going to start doing better this time, since they give me another opportunity. Well this is all for today. -C From The Beat: We hope you strive to never see the inside of a cell again. You are capable of staying free, so make the right changes and choices! We believe in you!
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Born On The Fourth Of July
What up Beat? I’m about to leave to a group home in a couple of weeks. It sucks though ‘cause I’m going to be locked up for my birthday. It’s coming up on July fourth. Damn, this is my first birthday away from my family and locked up. It sucks too, because no one gives a shhh about your birthday here. They don’t give you anything. All they do is say, “Don’t like it? Don’t get locked up.” Well Beat, I’m getting mad just thinking about it. -Yogi
From The Beat: Think about this for a moment: What are you doing with your life? Are you using it to make a better world for yourself and your community? Or, are you making choices that endanger your own safety and the safety of others in your community? Life is a precious gift, not something to abuse and take for granted. Birthdays are the same. Keep your head up.
Cold Walls
In Juvenile Hall, staring at these cold walls Can’t even use the bathroom, in my own private stall Being locked down for a month it’s killing me I can’t wait to be out, so I could stay free Breakfast is hell, getting cold eggs Bread is stale, a little carton of milk What the hell, one hour of activity man This shhh be killing Seeing people getting mugged and beat up Staff be clowning on us Man what the... Cold five minute showers, a little cup of soap I wish, I was out. Lord, help my soul. -Panda
A Word Out To My Youngsters
I have a couple of things to say to all the youngsters hustling in the streets. You don’t have to be out there hustling. Some try to be something they’re not. You guys should go to school, get your life together, ‘cause the streets aren’t everything. There’re a lot of fake people out there and if you try to be in the game, you end up dead or in jail. Even the greatest of them all fall from the top. So just be all you can be, ‘cause life is too short, to live at the bottom. Everywhere you guys go, you don’t have to be watching your backs. -Fantom From The Beat: These words show that you’re able to see beyond the game. You have a perspective that can lead you to greater freedom and happiness. Thank you for sharing with us and everyone who reads The Beat.
Family & Forgiveness
To forgive or not to forgive? That is the question. When I saw that question, my mind started racing, my heart started pounding, and I knew I had a story to tell. I have a hard time forgiving people that I’m close to, because my family are usually the ones that seem to repeatedly stab me in the back and betray me. Once your family stabs you in the back, you find it hard to forgive anybody. My dad was once a person I looked up to until he, in my eyes, betrayed any trust and crushed my self-esteem. I would repeatedly get yelled at every day about stupid things and always got told I was worthless, and other names that no normal human being would ever call somebody. As I sit locked up here in my cell, I think about all the things that could have been different and what it would be like if he was way nicer to me. My sister, my only flesh and blood (because we were adopted), seems to betray me too. She always snitches on me and tries to get me in trouble. I feel like since we have been through so much together, she and I should be way closer and keep each other’s secrets and help each other out, but that is not the case. She gets me in trouble in any way she can. My mom, on the other hand, you can say is my shining beacon of hope, she helps me out. She picks up the phone when I call from here. She picks up and she writes me letters. She is also the only one that comes and visits me and that is what I’m grateful for. So back to forgiving, you can see what my apprehension about forgiving is, and why I sometimes can’t forgive. I hope somebody reads this and understands how I feel and I hope to all the people that are in the same boat as me, that deep in their hearts, they can forgive. -William From The Beat: Our family members can be the hardest to forgive, because our expectations of them run the deepest. Family can bear the brunt of our anger, our disappointment, and our pain. Your mother’s love shows that she knows how to rise about the stress of family relationships, and show love. She might tell you that love carries us, while anger is a burden in our arms. Ask her if she agrees.
From The Beat: Juvenile Hall isn’t glamorous. You have to struggle through it. In the meantime, your time will be best spent setting goals and focusing on staying away from juvenile hall in the future.
A Promise to Myself
Before I moved with my mom, I lived with my grandparents. I always thought about living with my mother. Last two years in 2010, I wanted to move with her. Finally, I started doing bad, just so I could live with her. I got stuck in being bad and I got worse. I started cutting school, smoking weed and doing other drugs. I got hooked on drugs, I started stealing money from my own family. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. I started staying out late, robbing houses, and getting in a lot of other trouble. I got on probation and still was doing bad. Me and my grandfather, got into an argument and I punched him in the jaw. Then I got into a fight with my brother. Then I ran away, and ran from my brother. I finally got sent to my mom’s after, and put on house arrest. I still was doing bad even though I got to move with my mom. Now I’m locked up, because of my past. Now that I’m in the system, I really learned my lesson. My mom is really stressing, because I’m here. When I get out, I’m going to change, not for my mom or anyone else, I’m going to change for me, so I never mess up again. I’m going to take care of my mom, the family, and make sure my friends don’t end up here. I can honestly promise myself that I’ll never come back here to juvie again. I’m going to do myself a favor. If I mess up, there’s always another chance. If I ever got the chance to tell people what I went through, it would be a lifetime opportunity. -S From The Beat: If you really want to reshape your life and your behavior, focus on learning about yourself. What are your personal strengths? What motivates you to succeed? What kinds of examples do you follow? We wish you peace as you concentrate every day on becoming someone you and your family are both proud of.
Would You Rather?
I would rather be rich and be able to pay for everything. I want than to be on the street hustlin’ all day by sellin’ tree or robbin’ somebody. To me, robbin’ somebody or someone’s home will get enough money for what you want, but then when you’re runnin’ low, you repeat the same thing, puttin’ yourself at risk of going to jail. This is why I would just want to be rich so I can afford everything I want. Then I won’t make a bad habit doing anything bad because I would be makin’ real money that’s not illegal. Therefore, it won’t be a bad habit of me robbin’ people. -H
From The Beat: Winning money may be one way to break a bad habit, but there are other ways as well. You should make a positive and productive change in your lifestyle, relationships, and choices. We hope you are able to get back on track.
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Always Running
OK if you look closely everything’s not what it seems. Honestly what does the truth really mean? ’Cause if I told you my story it would sound like a dream. I’m a hustler baby. Yea I serve to the feinds. I can turn a rock into a blue diamond ring. Oh only mess with my team. Anybody want an issue; we can get real mean,. Keep my enemies close ‘cause of the things that I’ve seen. Nightmares are reality; all these fools mad at me. First things first. So I stick to my family Police on a hunt. I can’t help but run. Certain people want my head so I stay with my gun. It’s a cold world outside so I show no love. -Kilo
From The Beat: You have such a gift for poetry, yet it seems you are wasting your potential in negative environments. Put your energy toward something positive, like bettering yourself and your community.
Don’t Get Stuck In The System
The system is very messed up. I should know ‘cause I’m on probation and it’s probably not going to be the last either. My name is Zack and I am sixteen years old. I arrived at the Santa Clara Juvenile Justice Center in early June and within the first two days, it was kind of harsh for me but honestly, I know that this is nothing, to county or the pen. I am getting released later in June. That means that I have been here for two weeks and two days. Honestly, this place isn’t that bad but I’d rather be on the outs with my girl or doing my own things but take my advice, if you ever get into the system, it’s basically like building a library in your honor. They will try to keep you in as long as they can. -Zack From The Beat: Some people call the U.S. justice system a “criminal industrial complex.” (That means that criminals are a money-generating product for certain kinds of companies and institutions.) We hope you follow your instincts, honor what is important to you in your life, and stay free and out of the system.
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I Remember
I remember the days when I was free, able to do what I want, no curfew, no worries about cops or anything, but now it feels like I’m stuck in the mud, in and out of juvenile hall. No more than five days and I come back. I remember the first time I came in, I told myself I wouldn’t come back and I’ve been here six times within eight months. It sucks every night thinking what your family and friends are doing, while you’re stuck in here tired of the same routine and doing what you’re told to do. Can’t wait till I get out, seventeen more days and eight months of probation left. Hopefully I don’t blow it this time and end up locked up another Christmas and fourth of July again. I’ll try and get a job for the summer, so I can stay out of trouble and forget about this place because it gets me nowhere. -Abraham From The Beat: If you’re tired of being told what to do all the time, perhaps you should try to tough it out for eight months until you get off probation, then you can experience the days of freedom, without curfew, and worrying about cops. The good thing is that you have a chance to prove yourself again, that is what probation is for,, make the most out of it (it certainly beats the hall doesn’t it?), be appreciative and respectful of your partial freedom, and eventually you won’t have to worry about cops and probation anymore.
Thinking
Day and night, I’m thinking. Thinking whether, it should be you or her. Thinking, of who is the right one. Thinking, about which one will make me happy. Thinking, of what is the best choice. Thinking, of whether I should stay with you. Thinking, of whether I should leave you. Thinking, if it should be her. Thinking, of who I really love. Thinking, of who will be there. Thinking, of who will be loyal. Thinking, of what should I do. Day and night, I am thinking. -Smiley
What Would I Rather Be Doing?
What’s up Beat? This is your boy Young D once again locked up. Damn! But it ain’t nothing to a young gangster, you feel me? The topic today is, ‘What would I rather be doing?’ Well, what I would rather be doing is spending time with my family and my females, because I’m not really home to spend time with them. I’m always at my block chillin’. But when I get out this time I’m going to chill with the family so they know I appreciate them. But that’s all I got this week. To all, stay up and keep your head up. -Young D From The Beat: Sometimes we do not know what we have until we are stripped away from it. It seems like time away from friends and family has reminded you of how much they mean to you. It is good that you recognize this, and plan to spend more time on what really matters.
Part Two Of Life
Last time I was here I made something from the heart. I won’t see it in The Beat, nor will I see this one get in. And that’s “IF” I get in The Beat. The other night I promised God that I would go back to Chichi if I get out soon. And that wasn’t even the beginning. I said I’d get back to school, no sex till marriage, study more, head my future towards being a graphic designer. I’m getting out tomorrow. I hope I get in. -Martin From The Beat: It sounds like you have made some promises that will start you off in a positive direction. Set small goals until you are able to reach your final destination!
From The Beat: We think you already know what the right answer is, it may be the harder choice, the tougher choice, but it sounds like you already know what the right decision is. So, are you going to take the easy road or the high road?
They Did Me Dirty
The probation department straight did me dirty this time. It’s my twelveth time in here. I was posted on EMP for two months when they were supposed to take me off on good time, they told to come here early on Saturday morning. I woke up hella early and got all ready - hella fitted I mobbed through and I got to the office the EMP officer arrested me saying how I assaulted my tio two days before. First of all my tio beat my ass when I was drunk and he threw me through a window. So that fool messed me up and I didn’t even say nothing ‘cause that’s not my style. But when I come through to “get off EMP” I guess my dad said I hit my tio and socked the window. Which is straight bullshhh. Now they’re talking about releasing me on EMP for 45 days in two weeks and I haven’t been out for a summer since I was a very young teen. Now, I’m about to be seventeen and I’m just heated with all this shhh. I’m kind a like if it now, it’s whatever. I’m probably just going to go on run and shhh. I’m cool off all this shhh. Well I’m out. Stay up all. -M From The Beat: These are very unfortunate circumstances. All we can do is hope that justice is served. In the meantime, focus on why you are repeatedly ending up in trouble. Are there changes you can make to ensure that you don’t end up in trouble again?
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Eating Anything I Want
Just sitting and waiting to get out. I’m always thinking of my time. Nothing I can do but wait for my sentence. And I’m always thinking about my family and about the girl I love. Can’t wait to get out. I’m gonna be with my family and my girl. Plus, I will be eating anything I want. -B From The Beat: Hey, we heard that the food at your juvy is pretty darn good.
Birthday
My birthday is coming up next month. I’m going to be eighteen. That’s crazy. I never thought I was going to turn eighteen. I always told myself I have a lot of years before I turn eighteen, and now I say to myself, damn, I’m going to be eighteen next month. I am worried because I don’t know what’s going to happen when I turn eighteen. -D From The Beat: Welcome to the world where time really does seem to fly. The thing is, somehow it flies faster and faster every year you’re on the planet. So, don’t waste it. Wherever you are there are good things you can do.
Ghosts
I do believe in ghosts. I have heard a lot of ghost stories, but I have never encountered a ghost. I don’t want to. It would be scary, but if it happens, there’s nothing I can do about it. About all I could do would be to cover myself in blankets, and be quiet. -Bugsy
From The Beat: Good news for you. We’ve just learned that all the ghosts in California have gone on strike. They refuse to frighten anyone, ever again, unless the Big D doubles their wages. So sleep easy, Mr. Bugsy. You can even ditch your blankets.
I Can Hear Their Voices
Hey Beat, it’s Smiles. I’ve been locked up for the past couple of weeks and I’m pretty down. I’ve been thinking about my deceased homies, and my two passed away brothers. I can’t help feeling like I’ve disappointed all of them, with my drug use and my gang involvement. I can hear their voices telling me to grow up and stop acting like a little girl. My brothers would be so sad to see me here. So, I’ve decided that I need to try to do better in life. I want to say to my family and homies, that I’m gonna get out of here and do better. I miss you my brothers. Your legend lives on. -Smiles From The Beat: We’re sorry for your losses, but we’re glad that you’ve made the decision to stop messing up. You may need some help with your drug issues. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.
The Most Important Thing
The most important thing to me is my family, and God. If it wasn’t for my dad and mom I wouldn’t be on this earth. I’m so thankful. I want to show my family, that I can succeed and break the cycle, because I got little brothers who are three and four, and I don’t want them to live the life I’ve lived. I’ve seen a lot and done a lot, growing up in the barrio. The streets raised me – not my parents. It’s been a struggle, but I’m thankful to be breathing. Still, I’ve hurt a lot of families and other youths. And being locked up is not new. There’s a bunch of lame wannabees. I’ll go to school and get a job and do what’s right for me. -A From The Beat: Good plan. Now follow through. Good luck.
Sad
I’m about to be a dad And I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in the hall Doing time with no clue. -Dad To Be
From The Beat: Short, sad, sweet, and well done. We think you do have a clue, though, and more than a few.
A Demon In My Head The clock is tickin’. Times running out. So I’ll let you know What this youngster’s All about. I’m dark like the night, Dipped in all black. Don’t have emotions. I’m ready to attack. A demon’s in my head. He won’t go away. He’s chillin’ in my body, Puttin’ a mean mug On my face.
-M
From The Beat: We think you’re about way more than this. And we think you should increase the rent on your demon, especially if he won’t go away. Hey, you can charge whatever you want. Triple his rent. Maybe he’ll leave.
The Mystery
I see the eclipse in the distance. With the darkness comes the rain And the thunder, and then, The boss won’t let me listen to Mr. Sandman. Then the angels come. They’re smoking cigarettes. That is the mystery. -Esteban
From The Beat: Hey, tobacco is very addicting. We’ve heard that when those angels leave the pearly gates, on a mission, anything goes. Good poem… by the way.
Court Date
I have a court date soon. That’s the day the judge might make a decision about my life and where I’m going to stay for my “locked down time”. I don’t know if I’m going to CYA, or prison. But I’ll find out soon. I hope I get to go to CYA, and get out and go on with my life. I just can’t wait to get on with my life so I can be with my girlfriend. Maybe someday we could make a family together, until we are old and gray. -Dee From The Beat: We hope all the legal stuff is over soon and that you have learned valuable lessons about how precious and important your freedom is. Good luck to you.
Ghosts
Well, to be honest, I believe in ghosts to the fullest. I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my life and it scared the living hell out of me. I ran and ran. So, yeah, I believe in ghosts. -Spooky From The Beat: Hey, you’re only giving us a hint of the story. What the heck happened?
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Important Things
The three most important things in my life are my beautiful twins, my hood, and my money. My twins are important because they are my own flesh and blood, my pride and joy. I hope I can see them soon and hug them and kiss them and take them to the park so they can know that Daddy loves them. My hood is important to me because it’s my family, my belonging, my passion. My money is the last important thing to me, because I need my money to support my family and pay the rent and buy food, and cover all the other expenses. -A
From The Beat: We’re with you on two out of three. We’d like to hear more about why and how the hood is so important. Where is your actual family?
They Come, They Go
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Most Important
The most important thing in my life is getting clean and not getting back into that life style. And also, my family is most important. -Sid
From The Beat: Ask an adult you trust to give you a hand with getting clean. There are plenty of fine people on staff at the hall who can point you in the right direction. Our best wishes to you.
Don’t Ever Care
Did anything I wanted and never really cared. Momma got a fake smile. She seems really scared. Praying for his spirit not to fly in the air. Her first born, running, seeing falling victims. My family really sad. We’re buried in the system. Don’t cry mom. Remember, I’m staying really strong. You need to do the same ‘cause I’m still standing tall. My new name is twenty six… the only one in this hall. -T
From The Beat: Fine poem T, and of course, we don’t believe you about ‘not caring’. We can tell that you care about a lot of things. Don’t be afraid to show it.
In places like these, People come and they go. Hear the jingle of keys And I’ll show you no more. That’s the way life goes, In case you don’t know. Wouldn’t change it if I could, Even though, I know I should. So I just knock on wood And pray that I do good. I hope you’ve understood Everything you’ve seen. I hope that one day My heart will be clean. That will be the day That I stop moving mean. But that’s just a dream. From where I sit now As I sit in my cell And look at the clouds, The courtroom’s a stage Where you can see me bow. My life is just a page In the book that’s too large. But the next time I see you, I will be in charge.
The Distance
As I mob it through the valley of death I won’t stop creepin’ ‘Til I reach my last breath. Death is near. Six feet is the distance. Satan wants me under – As his angel, Forever, his soldier. -Carlos
From The Beat: Hey Carlos, you need a new map. Time to hit the high ground. Avoid those valleys. But we must say that your poem is well done. We look forward to more.
Good News
-B
From The Beat: We sure hope that’s true. But with all the knocking on wood you must be doing, your knuckles are probably full of splinters. You can write good poems on the outs, too, you know. Come on, man – take charge, really.
I went to court today and heard some really great news, and I saw a homie I haven’t seen in a cool minute. My attorney told me I might be facing time in CYA. And that was the great news. Looking back I regret not spending more time with my family, especially my nephew and my little cousin. I’m going to miss out on watching them grow up. -Time From The Beat: Sounds like mixed news to us. We’re glad court is going well for you. We’re sorry you’ll be missing that time with your cousin and nephew.
In Ink
I’m running from the cops. I’m light as a feather on my feet. I’m trying to hide, But they have flashlights, so Even my shadow is running. I trip, fall onto the gravel And get caught. The cops ask me for my name. I tell them it’s, a mystery. And they write it in ink, A mystery. -Salvador
From The Beat: Cool poem. Maybe you could have been a bit more cooperative, though. Maybe you could have, at least, given them your shadow’s name.
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All I Want To Do
Time To…..
All I wanna do is smoke a blunt And get high, ‘Cause I’m feeling kind of crazy With this demon inside – Telling me all this crap That makes me pull off a crime. And it takes all my emotions. Man, I can’t even cry. -J
From The Beat: You know darn well that getting high isn’t the answer, and blaming your bad decisions on a demon is a cop out. Take responsibility. Your emotions will return when you decide to stop making excuses for your actions.
Time to kick back ‘Cause I’m back in the hall. I yell f the world, Then give mom a call. I stare at my wall Thinking about freedom. You are all just minions in my f-ing kingdom. Don’t make me, put you to shame. You all know me. Young giant is the name. -Yg
From The Beat: Yeah, we sure do know you. We’d like to have a chat with you, when you get released again. We see that you’re still a poet. A good one, too.
Cuff Slapping
When they do it, it makes me mad, ‘cause there’s nothing you can do about it. It sucks- being in handcuffs. It makes me feel like I want to run away. You can’t do a darn thing about it. It makes you mad that you didn’t do something about it when you could. -Xavier From The Beat: Well, now you know what you have to do to avoid the cuffs. Are you ready to change?
Everything
Did everything And never even cared. Mamma looks sad, But really, she’s scared.
Three Important Things
Three things that are very important to me are family, friends, and life. Family because they are always there for me when I need support, and lectures. Friends because when I need to talk or chat about life, or school, or even relationships, they’re very understanding, especially when I’m sad. When I’m happy about anything, they always notice. And I see that in them, as well. Life is the most important thing, because what I make of myself is going to determine what happens in my future. -Cristian
From The Beat: You are a thoughtful fellow. This is a quality that will lead you to the right answers. But the next step is to act on what you know. Good luck to you.
-Rhyme
From The Beat: You don’t blame her for that, do you? By the way – this is a terrific poem. It’s proof that brevity can be powerful art.
The Cuffs
Before they slapped the cuffs on me, I was hella tripped out, worried about when the law was going to catch me. I was thinking, should I turn myself in, or just run. I slept on it and went to school the next day. And the detectives came and picked me up. I got booked and didn’t even get to say goodbye to my lady or my Mom. That was three months ago. -Spooky From The Beat: At least it wasn’t a surprise. Perhaps you should have followed your instinct to turn yourself in.
My Life
One of the biggest issues that I will face when I get out, is that I will have to change my lifestyle and the way I am when I’m with my friends. I think the judge might give me another chance at being a member of society, if I promise that I will stay out of trouble. Being incarcerated makes me wonder what people will think about me, and if they might think I’m a menace, or a criminal, not to be trusted. When I’m in my room I think about what my family feels about me being in here, locked up. They’re probably wondering how I will be when I get out. One thing that scares me is people’s thoughts. It makes me wonder if I will be welcome in the community and in the schools around town. Every time I get arrested, people that I know, see me and look down on me. It makes me feel bad about myself. -Wondering
From The Beat: It sounds like you’ve been through this quite a few times. If it really bothers you – what your neighbors will think, what the community will think, what the schools will think – then stop doing whatever it is that gets you in trouble. And if you can’t stop on your own, ask for help. There really are people who care and who would be happy to help, when you’re ready to make the effort.
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I Should Do Things Differently
I’ve never heard of George Bernard Shaw, and it’s true, you do the same things and you expect it to change, but it’s not, it’s going to be the same thing. I do agree with it, that I should do things differently and be smart, so I can move along. -Ricky
The Devil’s In My Dreams It feels like I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. I’m praying to God ‘Cause it feels like all hope has died. The devil’s pulling at my feet Tryin’ to take me in my sleep. But, I’ll fight him ‘til defeat. Yeah, it’s hard for me to sleep ‘Cause the devil’s in my dreams. So, I turn my faith to God And pray to Him that I survive. I’m never the one to give up. I get my head up high And my eyes to the sky Hoping I can be free.
From The Beat: You’re very smart, so, what do you want/need to change? What resources do you have/need to move on? Where do you want to go/be in your future?
Getting Older, Growing Up
-Doobie
From The Beat: Does the devil whisper to you in your dreams? Can you use all your strength to ignore him, shut him up? When you listen to God, does He give you really difficult, but honest advice? What happens if you do/don’t do what the devil and/or God says?
I’m Part of My Friend’s Family
I always go to my friend’s house when I need a “go-to” person, when I’m on the run, ‘cause I have conflict in my family. My friend always lets me stay at his place as long as I want, and his parents treat me like I’m part of their family. We’re always hanging out, and it makes me feel relaxed. -Ricky
From The Beat: How does your real family feel about you staying with your friend’s family so often? How can your family, you, resolve your conflict? Can you talk to your counselor, your family, about whatever’s messed up, hurting you? Please do.
As Fast As Flash
Instead of having Superman’s powers, I would rather be as fast as Flash, because, when I’m doing something illegal, the cops could never get me, ‘cause I’m so fast. And I would bet hella money on a race, so I would win every time. I would rather have fifty thousand dollars right now, so I could get whatever I want, and I could save that money when I’m older, ‘cause five dollars ain’t much. -Ricky From The Beat: If you plan on doing anything illegal any more, you may be able to outrun the police, but what about their infrared ray guns? Instead, should you choose to only do whatever’s legal, so you don’t have to watch your back, outrun anyone?
I Can Live Without Authority
I can live without fish, ‘cause I don’t like the smell. I can also live without authority in the world. I feel as if humans should be completely free, like all other mammals. If everyone was free, the world would be a much better place, and wouldn’t be coming to an end, like it is. Another thing I could live without would be the black jelly belly bears, mainly because they taste nasty. Another thing that’s bad, is bad-tasting water from water fountains. Water fountains are everywhere, and some are just really foul-tasting, and I’d prefer if they all tasted like fresh mountain spring water. -Steven From The Beat: Most free-roaming animals, like wild mustangs, manage very well on their own, and bother nobody. They don’t need any authority, especially humans. Should people live without eating other creatures, and leave everyone else alone, like mustangs do? Maybe so.
As you grow up, your innocence gets stripped away from you, like a toy taken away from a child. Through the years, you learn and experience new things—some good, some bad. Through this process, you become an image of what you’ve seen. The normal time of maturity is the teenage years, but some unfortunate teens have reality hit them earlier than others, because of unpredictable circumstances. Luckily there are helpful mentors out there who are willing to help out teens in need, and guide them in the beginning stages of their lives. My word to the teens out there, who have been stripped of their innocence at an early age, would be to line up with adults who care and are willing to show them the way. Surprisingly, there are a lot of people out there, willing to help you. Peace. -Nic From The Beat: Who has helped guide you so wisely, all your young years? You don’t write if your innocence was ever stolen from you, but you seem to imply your friends’ may have been. How have you protected your own young self?
I Can Live Without… I I I I I
can live without a car could live without drugs could live without the halls could live without an education could live without Dad
-Ricky
From The Beat: If things are messed up with your dad, what can you/ your mom/a counselor/your dad do to make things better? Do you mess up, go to juvy, because you’re angry at, or resentful of your father? If so, are you also sabotaging yourself?
You Learn From Your Falls
No, I’ve never heard of Vince Lombardi, but the quote, “The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall,” is true. When you fall, you learn from it, and you rise up again, stronger and smarter. I just get back up, and forget what happens. -Ricky
From The Beat: Do you learn from whatever caused you to fall, or just forget about it? What has tripped you up? How did you find the strength to stand back up? Can you use that lesson to help yourself deal with any confusion, mess, now?
To Get Places Faster
Instead of having Superman’s powers, I would rather be able to run as fast as the Flash, so I can get places faster. Being able to leap from building to building, like Superman, would be pointless. I would rather receive fifty thousand dollars right here, right now. If I wanted to actually buy something worth something, and only getting five dollars a day, I would have to save it for a long time. -Ashley
From The Beat: After more than 27 years of saving $5 a day, every $5 a day more you receive, would be above the $50,000 you could have chosen to take all at once. If you’re sixteen now, plus 27 years, when you’re 43, you’ll still be getting $5 a day free money, and never be cut off. But the choice is all yours.
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Back Again
Once again, I’m back in this place. Got out for just a couple of hours, just to get high a little and see some cool friends. But that’s one mistake I won’t make again. I got a feeling next time I get out, I’ll come back but not just for a month, but for a long time. I hope I’m wrong, that’s what everybody says. When I get out on the sixth of next month, I know I got people waiting, just to see me at least one more time. -Ducky From The Beat: It doesn’t sound like you’re taking your responsibilities, or your freedom very seriously. We hope you can recognize the consequences of your choices before it’s too late and you get locked up for much longer. Take it from the writers of The Beat Without at the back of The Beat Within magazine, it’s not worth it.
Life Without
The stuff I can’t live without is money, music, and all the stuff you need so that’s the stuff I couldn’t live without. If I didn’t have all of that, my life would probably be small, boring and plain. But my biggest one is music, so music is my biggest one. -Music Lover From The Beat: How much music and money would you need to keep your life from being small, boring and plain? What kind of music is your favorite?
A Word from the Wise
I’ve heard about the Vince Lombardi trophy and know that he was a very important football coach. I don’t remember where I learned about him but always hear his name around. I agree with his quote about rising after you fall. It’s easy to not fall, but rising up against it is the hardest part. It’s sort of easy to keep away from heavy drugs, but after you’re into it, it’s very very hard to stop and put it behind you. That’s how it applies to me. -Trenton From The Beat: Stepping away from anything addictive takes immense amount of courage and strength. Don’t be afraid to give your best. Every time you conquer one small feat (even if you set a goal to make it one day at a time away from the heavy drugs), it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little stuff well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.
Park
My go-to place would be the park. It’s a beautiful place to be and a great place to go relax. It relieves me of all my stress and lets me forget about my problems. It’s the best park in town and has a lot of beautiful females that pass through all day long. When I get there, I walk around the park then relax in the bench in the middle. I sit in the middle to be able to see the whole park all around me. -Bm From The Beat: Sounds like a great go-to place to relax and unwind. We hope you get to go back to this place for years to come.
Caught Up
One day, me and my homies were chillin’, kicking back when all of a sudden, the cops rolled up on us from out of nowhere. Everyone on the block, started running - some got lucky, some didn’t. Some went away for months. Living this fast life is no joke. Getting caught up is just messed up! Now, I’m in my cell reminiscing. I just hope I don’t get caught up! -Israel From The Beat: It sounds like you weren’t one of the ones that got away. Knowing how it would end up, would you have still made the choice to hang out with your homies that day? If it could have kept you out of the halls, would you have made that better choice?
Live Without the Juvenile Hall and Probation
For me to live without the juvenile hall and probation, I would have my life back. My Freedom. I will get everything back in my life. I miss it all so I’m writing this to let all of you people know. Just be you. Don’t do wrong, do right. Good not bad ‘cause everyone has a lot to live for in life. Be smart about things and you’ll live longer and with a good heart and soul. No drugs, no gangs, be clean in life, not dirty. Happy not mad. Love not hate. -Thomas From The Beat: That is some good advice. Sometimes it is easier to give than take advice, we all have experienced that. Do you think you can take your own advice?
To Forgive
Doing something bad, but forgiving yourself is easy, but to do something bad and ask for forgiveness is a lot harder. ‘Cause to forgive yourself is easy, ‘cause it’s you, not no one else so whatever you did, you could be okay with it. When it comes to someone forgiving you, it’s a lot harder depending on the situation. However, you will be forgiven sooner or later. It’s just the person needs time to think about it and sooner or later, they will talk to you. That’s when you hope they will forgive you for what you’ve done. -Lil G From The Beat: We believe that the quicker you can forgive, the easier your life will be. We often hear people say that if you forgive someone, you’re excusing them from their behavior. However, we think that just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. What do you think?
What To Do With 50,000 Bucks
If I were to receive 50,000 dollars, I would pay all the money I owe to this facility. With the rest, I would give half to my mom and the rest, buy what’s necessary and try to give back to everybody I know. The first thing I would buy is a car. I’ve always liked to drive, as well as everybody else, but that would be something new and out of the ordinary. -Abcd From The Beat: That is very responsible of you to take care of your past due bills first, despite all of the temptations that could be at anyone’s fingertips with $50k in hand. It sounds like you know how to prioritize your responsibilities, which is a really good skill, character to have. Keep it up!
This Place, This Life
In this place I’m in, I see my friends go out and come in Every day, waking up at six am. It’s a hassle but after a while, it becomes casual. Kids run their mouths as if they’re tough But half of them, I’ll call their bluff. The place I’m from, The youngsters run around with drugs and guns But it’s been like that since long ago. When our time comes, only God knows. I pray that I would be found Because I’m lost like a stray But I still pray for those better days Because this life, only leads to a grave. -Bahaman
From The Beat: A life behind bars, nor a neighborhood with drugs and guns and violence should never be casual, it’s not fair for any kid to grow up in these circumstances. When did it stop becoming a hassle and start becoming casual to you? In addition to praying for better days, what can you actively do to keep yourself out of the grave, can you get rid of some friends who may not be good for you? Find a job or other activity (sports, community service) to fill up your free time?
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Life’s a Struggle
Life’s a struggle, especially now that I’m on probation. I’m getting locked up for no reason, for having jerseys in my room. My mom always telling me to do good. I try to do good, but probation just puts me away for simple little things. She always starts crying, and blames it on me that I’m always looking for trouble. Like I just want something to happen to me when I’m out in the streets. I know that I’m doing nothing bad when I’m out there. Like when my friend died, she used that as an example, to try to make me learn. I’ve been trying to do my best but it’s hard when you’re on probation, and they’re just putting you away for a couple of months. -Guero From The Beat: It sounds like your mom is worried for you and really cares about you. Whether you agree with your probation terms or not, the only way to stay out of the struggle is to follow the terms. There’s no shortcut around it. We all have to do stuff we don’t want to do, but when the longer term gain is better than the short term pain, it’s usually worth it. It’s your choice.
Live Without
I could live without going to jail because it’s not a fun experience. It’s sad knowing that it hurts to see your parents sad seeing you locked up cold and lonely. Knowing you can’t go home. That is one thing in my life I could live without. “The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling but in rising again after you fall.” I agree, because it takes more of a person to pick themselves up and try again and act like that situation never happened. I can apply it to my life because when I’m not in the best of situations. I make the best of it and try harder to make it better. -Zach From The Beat: Sadly, the fear or embarrassment of failure often keeps us from trying in the first place. It’s human nature to want to succeed and be good at everything. However, they say that our weaknesses are often our greatest strengths. Would you agree?
Stuff I Can Live Without
There is a lot of stuff I can live without. I can live without spiders because I have arachnophobia. I don’t think we really need them on this earth. They do help the earth, a little bit but, it probably wouldn’t make a big difference if they weren’t on earth. I also can live without celery because it is disgusting! I can’t stand the taste of celery! The hair on the back of my neck stands up when I see celery. I can live without bees too. I’m not much of a honey person so I don’t really care for bees. One last thing I can live without is black licorice. It’s the most disgusting thing I ever ate! -Arachnophobia From The Beat: We too, could live without spiders, but probably not honey or black licorice. As to celery, we’ll leave that as neutral territory, it does add a lot of crunchy flavor to many dishes.
Enjoy Your Childhood
Hey, what’s up? Today, I’m going to talk a little about my life. You see, as a little kid I always kicked it with people older than me. I was thirteen and always with sixteen and older. So I guess I could say I grew up faster than I should’ve. I started getting the mentality of a eighteen-year-old at age thirteen. When I was with people my age, I didn’t like it because I was more into doing stuff an eighteen-year-old would do. I think that’s why I ended up at the hall at a young age. But what can I do about it. I’m the one that made those choices. Well, I just want to let all you youngsters know, enjoy your childhood, don’t grow up too fast. -Smokie Out From The Beat: Your piece sounds very wise – like something that an eighteen year old would write. Since we know you’re capable of acting like an eighteen year old, how about you show us some of the mature, smart choices that an eighteen year old would make.
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A Real Friend
Well I hella miss M. I remember kicking it with him, walking around looking for trouble. Damn, I only knew him for little bit but I give him all the respect in the world because the whole time I was on the run he helped me and gave me a place to stay. I think he kept me alive by helping me out whenever I needed help. Well I hope I see him again in the future. -Yogi
From The Beat: Good friends in life are hard to find. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with positive people who will challenge you to maximize your potential, not those who will put you six feet under or deeper in the system!
Who I Am Today
Thinking about the things that have passed, and not thinking at all. Man the things that have passed I could barely remember them. But I know they were true and messed up. As I said I can’t remember, but all things that I’ve done have made me who I am today. I still wonder, do the things that I’ve done make me a mess up? Now that I think about it, I’ve done a lot of bad things. Most people think that that first hit of weed and that first curse word already puts you on the road. Truthfully, I don’t care what they think. I’ve done good as well. But that’s completely out of respect. Everything I’ve done has been out of reaction and care. I can’t finish this today because I don’t have enough time. Keep reading my words and find out what I’m about. -Aaron From The Beat: Do not label yourself as a mess up. If you do, then that’s what you’ll be. We all make mistakes, but our character is determined by how we respond to those mistakes.
Paradise
Home sweet home. I shall be there really, really soon. A nice place to live. Everything I need is there. I feel safe there and nowhere else. I think it’s the most beautiful place on earth. Girls everywhere, and family when I need them. Next to my side, I see my brothers, ready for anything. By my side, I see my baby girl. She’s down for me, when I need her too. I can see palm trees, a mile away. Real soon I will be there again. Just waiting for that day once again. -Solid
From The Beat: It sounds like you’ve got a lot of good things to look forward to and be thankful for on the outs. So what are you doing wasting your time in here?
Getting Older
I think getting older is very hard. It is hard because when you look back and think about how you actually believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and other things of that nature and how good and innocent you were when you were little. Now kids my age think about drugs and how many times they’ve been in and out of juvenile hall, and they think that it’s good. I’m not saying I’m perfect because I know I’ve done bad things and stuff like that but when I look back and see how good I was when I was a little kid, I regret all the bad things I’ve done. I look back and see how much things I’ve put my mom through. I just wish I would’ve done something better in my life. -Eduardo
From The Beat: While we can’t change the mistakes we’ve made in the past, we can determine how we move forward with our lives. It’s hard to make those changes at first, but like any habit, good or bad, once you get used to making that choice, the easier it becomes. We challenge you to turn one of your bad habits into a good habit, do something today that your future self will thank you for.
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How to Measure Our Lives
“Our lives are not measured in how many breaths we take, but how many moments take our breath away.” Unknown” We shouldn’t always look at a measurement for our lives, but to live in the moments we won’t forget. We should always remember to live life to the fullest an get the most out of life that we can. Live it up! This is my is Beat because I’m outtie. -Becks
From The Beat: That quote is deep. Take in some real moments that take your breath away. Enjoy being out, and take the time to really live life.
What You Really Want
What does it take to do what you want to do? If you never do what you want to do you must not have really wanted to do it. Huh? I guess if I really wanted something I wouldn’t let petty temptations in life distract me. I should probably make a solid decision on what I want since my motives are always changing. It’s hard to make up my mind on what I really want though. I know for sure that I am going to be right, I just need to decide how I want to achieve it. -Kane From The Beat: It is hard making decisions. There are always options, but you will want to be sure to make your decisions weighing the consequences and which ones you are willing to live with.
To Live Without
I can live without you. Don’t even want to think about the things you do. Why didn’t you listen to what I had to say. You didn’t even tell me why you treated me this way. All the physical and mental abuse. It got so it seemed like he blew a fuse. Staggering and stumbling, can’t understand what he said, it was all mumbling. I would sing a song because the nights felt endless and long. Anxious for an answer, until he told me he had lung cancer. It seemed that my word ended, like it was being twisted or bended. He almost died, all I did was sit back and sighed. He was up and running in a couple of days. But guess what? He went back to his old ways. -G-Baby
From The Beat: Sounds like you are very loyal. This is an admirable quality when it is placed with the right people. Loyalty is earned, so let people earn it from you. Maybe you will find that when you place it with people who deserve it, it changes you for the positive.
To Forgive
I find it hard to forgive people, but it depends on the situation. If it’s something little, then its nothing, especially if you’re my homie. But, if something brings pain to me or my family I usualy can’t forgive you unless I get even. Sometimes I might ask for forgiveness too much. Mostly to my parents. There are A LOT of people I should ask for forgiveness, but it will probably not happen either because what I did was too big for them to forgive me, or what I did started funk! The person I want to forgive me the most is my Mom and Dad. They did so much for me and I just threw it right back in their face. I’ve hurt them way too much. That’s my first goal when I get out, is to pay my parents back all the money they spent on me because I messed up. I just have to get a job and save up my money. -Jr
From The Beat: Jr, talk about a big man. It takes a big man to ask for forgiveness, and you must be pretty big! I give you props for wanting to acknowledge what your parents have done, and taking responsibility to give back to show your love and gratitude. It will definitely come back to you in a positive way. Do your thing!
Freedom!
“The best thing in our lives that we completely underestimate.” -Becks
From The Beat: You got that right! It’s amazing how much we undervalue things until those things are gone. Where do we go from here?
About Time...
What up with The Beat? Today I’m going to talk about me getting out in five more days. Today is my last Beat. I’m going to miss all the Beat workers and all the stories that the people wrote in The Beat. I just can’t wait till i get out. I want to wish everyone the best and hope they get out soon. I’m never coming back. -Bronzo
From The Beat: Congratulations on the move! Glad to hear you will not be coming back. Hopefully you have some plans on how you are going to do a “bigger and better you”.
Birthday in Jail
Yesterday was my eighteenthth birthday and I spent it locked up in New Foundations and I didn’t get to talk to any of my loved ones and that hurt me the most. I thought I was told I was going to be able to talk to my mom. -Andres
From The Beat: Happy belated birthday! It is truly a blessing to see another year. Now that you are coming upon adulthood, it is imperative that you reexamine where you are headed in life. Time to make better choices, because the road you are headed down is not a positive one.
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To Live Without
I can live without smoking because that’s not a good thing to do, but I still smoke. When it comes down to stop smoking, I can when it comes down to playing sports or smoking. I could stop if I want to, so I can live without smoking weed. I can live without being in jail, because it’s not worth being in jail when you could be at home with your family, eating good food, and to this sick nasty food in jail. You don’t have to listen to someone that’s not even your parent who cares about you. I can live with out rain ‘cause I don’t like the rain. I like to be outside and I don’t like getting rain on me when I want to be outside so I can really live without the rain. I can live without cigarettes, because I don’t smoke those. They really are bad for you and I think everybody could stop smoking cigarettes. That’s what everyone should do. Live without smoking cigarettes and that’s what I can really live without. -Alex
From The Beat: Sounds like you are looking at some good things to do without. However, if we didn’t have the rain at the right times we wouldn’t have the food we do in our world, or healthy trees...some things we live with for the greater good, even though they may sometimes ruin our plans.
Solano County
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Everyday In New Foundation
As I wake up everyday, I think of all the good times I had at home, wishing I could just wake up one day hoping I would be at home or with my family once more. Everyday In The Streets As I walk down the street watching my back hoping I don’t get blurped, or jumped. I always walk with my homies, and have my fresh white tee, with my fresh dark hoodie with some fresh Vans’, and some fresh jeans. -Sugar Bear From The Beat: Sounds like home is where the heart is. Hope home comes to you soon.
Mad
You are so fake, I swear you are. You get round your friends, and start to act faker. I’m going to remember that, watch that. Karma is a you know what. So watch, what you do and say. I thought you were better than that. I expected more out of you. I’m mad! -Lil’ Asia From The Beat: “Mad” is a state of mind. It’s ok to find yourself there sometimes but don’t live there. Let it roll like water off a duck’s back. Some times it is time to cut loose.
Are You Really Tripping?
People are always saying ‘Neem, why are you tripping? I think I just always express how I feel by tripping. I really don’t care when I’m mad and that’s when I trip the most. I’ve been mad most of the time I’ve been in here. It’s cool in here but everything is just irritating. I really don’t know what to do while I’m here. I have a lot of mixed emotions in here, because I’m not used to this stuff. I just wish I could sleep my time away. I’ve been in here a couple of weeks now, and time is going by fast. I’m thinking of a master plan until I get out. September 26, it’s in motion. -Young Neem From The Beat: There are some positive things you could do that could make the time pass even quicker and help you too. Don’t do anything rash. Stay cool, and shoot us your “master plan”.
Free
What’s up Beat Within? This is Mikeybo and this is the last time you are going to hear from me because they are about to release the kid and hopefully I won’t come back. Man I’m juiced, but I ain’t letting it get to my head because I’m just gonna mess up and stay longer. But I’m going to holler at you when I get out. Alright then Beat, I’m out this thing! -Mikeybo From The Beat: Stay positive, do some positive things, stay focused and you will be alright. Good luck!
What I Can Live Without
I’m not sure what I can live without. I know I can live without dumb girls. They just nasty, fast girls. Some girls get on my nerves. -Lil L
Work it Out
Exercise your mind. So it is a muscle And that muscle is you. You are army strong. -Soldier
From The Beat: You are right – your brain is a muscle, and it needs to be exercised. Challenge your mind, and stretch your potential.
A Better Life
All my life, I’ve thought about my life and how much I’ve wanted to make it. I want to make it and I want a good life. I want to be in the Air Force and make my life better for myself and for more people, other than myself. -Nicholas From The Beat: It sounds like you have high goals and great aspirations. The Air Force is an opportunity to build character, strength, and discipline. Go out and accomplish your goals!
Living Without Jewelry
So many people get into trouble trying to get ice. Gold in their mouth, platinum round their neck and diamonds on their ears and gold on their fingers. No bling is not my thing. I spend m rack on good family and good friends. Think of good times. -Young Byrd From The Beat: Family and friends is where it is. Maybe that focus will help you pass the time as you work on a few things for you.
From The Beat: We want you to expound upon this topic. Look at your life through a critical lens. What else could you eliminate?
My Furlough
When I went on my furlough I had fun. The first thing I did was go to the Chinese Buffet. I ate a lot of food, then after that I went to my partner’s house. Then we went to my aunt’s house and decided to go swimming, so we did. -Hersheys
From The Beat: Sounds like a good day. Maybe you will find yourself with more days like that. Enjoy!
Like A Boy
I love being me, and I love doing what I do. I was born in the hood, so I’m going to die in the hood. Real talk; sometimes I wish I was a boy, because I act like a boy, talk like a boy, and think like a boy. I even sound like a boy. Man I wish I was a boy. Real boys do real things, straight up. I also think boys got it way better than girls. That’s messed up. -Lil’ Asia From The Beat: With that said, see what’s inside you and be the best you, that you can be. There’s no more real than that!
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Doing My Time
When you’re doing time, you don’t think about it. Just do what you got to do and let your time fly. Really, it’s not as hard as people say, but the only part about it is, it is really lame. The food is sick, but if you don’t want to starve, you’re going to eat that shhh. So, I’m headed for eighteen months, maybe even longer. So before I go to my destination, I got to get stronger and if I can get out early, then good, I’m a goner. -Lr
From The Beat: Doing time doesn’t have to mean living out each day pointlessly. Doing time can mean actually taking time to improve yourself and your decision making. Focus on improvement, and you’re on your way to success!
Decaying Beliefs
I have always been skeptical about everything. I have always questioned things like the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, etc. I remember when I was nine and knew that Santa was my Dad and other family members, so I put out cookies for Santa. Another thing I’m skeptical about now is “God” or “Gods” in general. I know there has got to be something greater than ourselves but is “God” really “God?” or is “God” just a misconception of extraterrestials visiting earth in ancient times. Also Before Christ (B.C.) there have been recordings of these other worldly visitations. In Hinduism it says “the Gods came after in this creation.” In that sense the “Gods” came after man was already on this planet. So to me, if the “God’s” came after, or in Christianity “God” came before, what came before the “God” or Gods”? There must be a never-ending chain of so-called “Gods.” -Marley From The Beat: Questioning and being skeptical is a good thing. You should look at the evidence in history, and in the various sciences to come to your own conclusion.
Getting Older
Man I can’t believe I’m seven-teen already. I’m in jail an I’m losing my mind in here. But it’s cool though. People are taking advantage of you because this program is funny. Really I’m just trying to get my furlough done in July so time can go by as fast as possible. I need to start thinking positive. I’m really getting into sports. I need to get off the streets before I let the fonkie come out of me again and be back in here. But I’m done. Like Boosie said “chill out y’all”. -Young Neem From The Beat: Hope this will be a good age and year for you Young Neem. As we get older we should get better. Hope that is the case with you. One day at a time my friend, one day at a time
One, Two, Three
One, two, three, look at me. Why do you look so funny? I don’t really care Living like a Cal Bear What are you going to do? Hit you with my shoe. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Time to hit verse two, let’s go. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. I’m sitting in jail it’s something like I’m waiting for someone to bail my bail. I’m at the Foundations getting furloughs, and eating Taco Bell. -Lil’ Steve
From The Beat: Is Taco Bell your incentive? Whatever works.
Can’t Get To Me
Always talking crap. I don’t like to listen. Says to bounce up, But no I stay sitting. Forty days left, he cant’ bring me down. But wen we start hooping, He tries to push me around We sit at the table, About to play some bones. Stuff walks away he’s got to use the pain. The kids gets mad because I’m trying to play. He tries to fight me again, Like all the other days. I say I’m getting out, I can’t fight I got kids. He actually got me mad, Because of what he had done. The lame said well how about this funk you kids. Now bounce up , But I be dumb if I do. -Ab
From The Beat: If you can let things go, and not let things get to you, half the battle is won. Stay focused on the positive, and what you value most. Your kids are waiting on you and you have a lot to live for on the outside. Stay cool.
Hard And Soft
Someone who is soft reacts fast to anything you say, because it hurts them, so much on the inside. They try not to show it by acting hard on the outside. That’s how you know they’re weak. Then they want to fight you! Someone who is hard ignores anything you say to him or her and keeps on moving. Anything you say to them doesn’t hurt them, and they can care less! It’s mind over matter! What’s the point of fighting someone in jail? Within twenty seconds you’re going to be on the ground with handcuffs! The Bible says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” -Chino From The Beat: Having a calm temperament is very crucial to avoiding trouble and confrontation. It is better to react with thought and consideration than with impulsivity. Be smart in the choices you make!
Everyday Thing
I’m young dude, but my pockets are more fat, forty on my lap, under the gucci strap you can catch me in the city blowing on the girl scouts ready to poor this forty back only sip with Sprite or that pineapple fanta. Yeah that’s my shhh. I you slide through to my section you already know big bruh, gripping. -A
From The Beat: There are quite a few drinks on the table here. It may contribute to the state of mind for the current position. What are you working on, in the inside? What does a better day look like when all is right with you and the world?
To Forgive
I think of my family in here. I just want to be home. My thoughts on forgiving can be hard. It depends on the situation. I can forgive easily, especially with my parents and my family. -T
From The Beat: Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. It is good that you can find it in your heart to forgive others. Can you forgive yourself?
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Standouts Standouts
Almost Out
Life is getting pretty good after being here for so long. I’ve got a lot of new opportunities, like doing the garden and getting furloughs. Now I get to be with my daughters. I’m so thankful to have these options and this four month program, because I’ve learned a lot about how to live, learn, and think. So when I get out I’ll be very successful. I’m going to graduate early now, and go on to college to go into law enforcement. Life will be good. I’m such a better person and father to my daughters. I knew I needed to change so I came into the program with a good attitude, because I wanted to fix my way of living. Now I’m almost out. I got less than thirty days and I’m so very different. Now If you want to change don’t have a bad attitude about being here. think of it as a good thing and do good. One another note, I’m getting older and life is just getting harder. I just had a birthday last week and non of the staff told me happy birthday, except for my fellow inmates. The only good thing that happened to me was I got plugged by my boy, on some juice packets. You feel me? So while I’m in this janky program I’m going to try to learn a few tips on how to be grown, physically and mentally. But on my birthday I didn’t get a furlough until the day after. I went home and had steak, lobster tails, king crab legs, baked potatoes, etc. It was the best. -Young Alex
From The Beat: Happy Birthday Young Alex, sorry to hear your celebration came a little late. But it sounds like you were able to make up for it. Steak and Lobster tails! I’m on the out and haven’t had that in a long while. Your commitment to grow and do your best can be the best decision you ever made. What things are you going to do differently to grow? What’s the plan?
Living Without
Some people say they can life without a lot. But they are just talking. Like people say, they can live without drawing but that’s just because they are in jail. I like my brother, said he was going to stop smoking but he got out. So it’s all just jail house talk. -The Don From The Beat: What can you eliminate from your life to improve your circumstances, and your decision-making? We’d like to see you expound upon this topic, and direct it more toward your own life.
To Live Without
I could live without smoking because I don’t smoke and I could live without videogames because I’ve been without them for so long already and video games make people do some bad things. -No Reason From The Beat: Expound more upon this topic. It is good that you are looking to eliminate negative influences from your life, but what else could you eliminate?
Forgive
When I came in I was horribly fericoius. I swore it was my moms fault and that I was here because she called my parole officer on me and said I was on drugs. So my mom told her to test me and she did and I tested dirty and she set a court date up and I got remanded. When I came in it was so depressing because my kids are at home. So I got better after a while and told my mom, “thank you”, because now I’m a new person and now I’ll succeed in life. I’m going to graduate because my mom helped me out. I felt so bad for feeling that way towards my mom, but now we are all good and I’m getting out in less than 30 days. Thank you mom for changing me life. -Ab From The Beat: You have truly matured in order to be aware of the fact that your mom wanted to do what was best for you to get you to get better. Congratulations doing the work to graduate! It was in you all the time. The sky is the limit if you put no limits on yourself. Pave the way for success for your kids and let them see how great you can be.
Solano County
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My Dream House
My dream house would be my brother’s grandparent’s house. It sits on top a mountain with a gate and a drive way. The house has two garage doors, and it can fit four cars. It also has three kitchens, four living rooms, five bedrooms, six bathrooms, a wine bar and wine cellar, two fire places, one office on the top floor, and four stories. I like that house because it brings lots of memories. Like one time, when my step brother and I spent the night at my older brother’s house, we were up all night, on the balcony, and we had a good view of Frisco, especially at night. -Chino From The Beat: That sounds like an amazing place to live! Now, you must make the right decisions and focus on your education and career so that you can see your dreams come true.
When I Got Older
When I was getting older my dad was murdered when I was two, in 1998. When my brother was born, I was happy, because I would finally have somebody to play with, but my brother never met our dad. -Khalan From The Beat: We are very sorry for your loss. Death is a life-changing experience. Now, you may want to strive to be a positive older brother in your younger brother’s life.
People Don’t Live Forever
People try to live their lives to the fullest, but I’m trying to live life to the fullest and life comes with challenges and with challenges come consequences. Therefore, you can’t live your life the way you want to because of consequences. -Tay
From The Beat: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Everything we do has a consequence of some kind. However, not all consequences are negative. Challenge yourself to make good choices, and seek positive consequences.
On Religion
When I was younger, I knew everything about faith and religion. Or so I thought. Until about ten years of age, I was comfortable believing what everybody I knew told me to believe: God is the only God, Heaven and Hell exist, He sent his only begotten son (Jesus) to die for our sins, et cetera. All of my ideas held firm with nobody to challenge them. All it took, though, was one person to ask me a simple question. I was on the playground during recess, and a third grader, Stevie, walks up to me and says, “Do you believe in Go?” “Of course I do, dummy,” I respond. Then he drops these four words: “What if you’re wrong?” Pretty deep for a third grader, huh? That was my first exposure to another way of thinking, and it changed my life. Today, at seventeen, I still remember that moment, and all the doors of knowledge it opened for me. -Kevin From The Beat: Religion is very fundamental to many people’s lives, to others, not so much. It is important that we take the time to explore our beliefs, so that we understand them better.
Growing Up
I remember when I was a kid that I didn’t have to really worry about anything. It would just feel like you could do anything and not get in trouble ‘cause we didn’t really know right from wrong and now that I’ve grown up, I see now that it ain’t like that anymore. -Juan
From The Beat: Growing up brings us many tough lessons. Are you learning from yours? Maturity comes with learning from our mistakes, not repeating them.
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Step Up And Live Life Right
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, what’s good with you? To all average Joe’s just struggling to live another day, be strong! To all my single mothers out there raising some bad ass kids, keep your foot on their chest. They may hate you for it now, but they’ll love you for it later. And to everybody and anybody not mentioned, what it is? What it do? Well, this is Troy Hays aka Ghost once again broadcasting to you live and on site from Santa Rosa Correction Institution where I’m doing close management one time. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I’ve been gone for a minute now, and when I tell you it’s been crazy, that’s what it is. I’ve been to one end of the states to the other. I’ve had three teeth knocked out by correctional officers, so now when I smile you can see my tonsils! I’ve spent countless hours on my bunk staring at the ceiling trying to find the words to define this madness, but, it’s like I’m in a hole full of misplaced words and literary insanity. And every time I try to dig myself out of the chaos, more BS falls down on my head. But it’s all good. That’s how life is sometimes. You got to take the good with the bad, but the important thing is to make sure we cherish the good and learn from the bad. So I’m all right. I’m living, I’m breathing, I’m here and I want to holler at you for a few minutes. I was wondering why is it that some people get trapped in the street life, and by street life I’m not talking about life on a physical street, but rather the criminal/street mentality. But others can dip their feet or catch a glimpse and keep it moving. There are even the rare ones who can sometimes balance the two. Like the school boy or girl who can walk through the hood, smoke a little weed, but never really do any major dirt. But anyway, I digressed… back to the question at hand, why can some of us walk away and some of us can’t? What makes us so different? I’ve asked myself that same question on many occasions. Because I’m one of the ones who didn’t walk away but rather ran to the streets, and I mean that literally. It didn’t matter where I was at, from juvenile detention centers, juvenile programs, group homes, psychiatry hospitals, or foster care, I’d feel the pull of the streets, so I’d escape, runaway, or just up and leave. I was like a sailor who just can’t stay away from the ocean or a pilot who has to fly. Everybody wants to be in their comfort zone, in their own element. So what made me so different from the next dude? Is it something inside that I have or don’t have? Is it just the way it is? Is it as simple as a like or dislike? For instance, I can’t stand the sight, smell, or the taste of onions, but you love them. Is it that easy? But here’s the most important question: can we change? And if we can, what do we got to do to tighten our games up? Well, what are some of the things we can do to start the process of transitioning back into everyday society? First of all, you must sincerely want to change. Have you ever been tired of all the ripping and running in the streets, all day and all night? So at some point you sit down and say to yourself, “Damn, I got to give this shhh up!” Or made the solemn swear that “one-more lick and I’m done, I’m for real this time.” I’m talking about something like that, but actually doing it instead of just running your mouth. So now we know we have to want to change to actually be successful in doing it. Now we have to fall back and distance ourselves from all the B-S. You got to separate yourselves from the dudes who you were running with. Stop doing things because others are doing it. Look, I know you’re saying, “Is this dude for real? I ain’t never going to turn my back on my dawgs.” Now I ain’t say to up and leave. I said put some distance between you, and that means to take a step back and start thinking for yourselves. Make choices that are for your best interest and believe it or not, being out in the streets ain’t in your best interest if you go to jail and your kids ain’t got no mother or father. And if it ain’t in your
Ghost
Ghost (Troy Hays) has a few questions for our younger readers that we hope is taken seriously and considered not just now while being locked up but also once out in the bright, big world, back where old habits and lifestyles can be hard to outrun. His advice is pretty good and comes from someone who’s been there, done that. Ghost is currently residing in Milton, Florida at the Santa Rosa Correctional Institution.
interest to be a mother or a father to your child, then I’m wasting my ink right now writing this ‘cause you don’t apply. But let me move on for all those who still give a damn about their seed and family. So now that we done stepped back, now what? Do we move to get away from the temptation of the streets? It may help but it is not a solution. You can ask any drug addict alive because you will not be running from a street, you will be trying to run from yourself, and how are you going to do that? Remember the street life is not a place. It’s a way of thinking. Now the third necessity is that we got to be strong, and I ain’t talking about how many push-ups or presses you can do. I’m talking about having a strong mental constitution or a strong will. We have to keep to the road that we have mapped out. We must stay focused on our destination and not get side-tracked by every side road or alley better here and there. But I think one of the most important things we can do is just to enjoy and celebrate life. Play with your kids. Know the joy of watching them grow. Learn to be content yourself with where you are. There are millions and millions of people who are living and loving life, and they ain’t doing it by waving no pistol or knife in anyone’s faces. My point is if they can do it, so can you. Why not? God gave you the same gifts He gave them. So just do it. Now it’s on you. I just hope you make the wise choice before someone makes the choice for you. Don’t be stupid like me. When I write, I’m not trying to glorify all the dirt I’ve done. I’m not trying to glorify all the people I’ve wronged or hurt. I was not a good person back then, and I mean that in the worst way. Sometimes I tell myself that I deserve every single year of this life sentence that I have. Not necessarily for what I’m in prison for, but for all the ugly stuff I got away with. For all the people I’ve hurt. For all the victims who never got closure. Who never received a penny back of what I stole or robbed them for and just had to charge that to the game. They like to run their mouths about “never being ashamed of anything you do”. So I ask you, and I ask them, why the hell not? If we can’t look back on our past and see past our own gain or agenda, see the consequences the victims suffered from our own hands. If we can’t see the tears in a kid’s eyes because they go to sleep hungry because we done robbed their momma or daddy for a few dollars. If that shhh don’t bother you and make you step back and think about the shhh you doing, then you are really cold, dawg. And I ain’t mad at you. In fact, I pity you. Because dawg, look around you. This is as good as it’s going to get. Them fences and razor wire ain’t just passing through. They ain’t going nowhere so you best get used to them. So what are we going to do? Are we going to give up the pursuit of the glitter and glamour by means of criminal intent? Are you ready to step up and live life by your standards and not those of the dudes you run with or the protocol handed down through the streets? I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s not going to be easy. You will constantly feel the pull of the paper chase. You will be working a nine to five and will grow impatient with how slow the money is coming in. I know I haven’t been able to hold a job. Not because I’m not smart or because the work was hard, but because in my eyes, the hours and work I was doing didn’t pay the bills I had. So believe me I know it’s going to be a struggle. All I ask is that you don’t get caught up and hit your heads like me or thousands of others. Well, I’m out of here. Be real with yourself and your situation will get better. So until next time. Be safe, be at ease, and love life.
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Understanding Me
Understanding my outer-self will be easy for you to comprehend ‘cause we are all humans. But for you to understand my inner-self will be complicated. In order to understand my inner-man (intimately) you will have to experience and feel what it is like living in a prison cell. You will have to experience being confined to loneliness, despair, sorrow, hate, angry, misery, oppression, depression, pain, and discomfort. To understand my inner man, you will have to become incarcerated, placed in Solitary Confinement, serving a life sentence, with no hope of ever going home. In order to comprehend why I walk the way I walk, why I talk the way I talk, why I act the way I act and think the way I think, is to understand my imprisoned conditions. To understand my inner stress, my inner depression, my inner loneliness, my inner desire to strive for wisdom and knowledge; and to fight for my freedom. To understand me is to understand the tears of pain I shed when my life was snatched from me. To understand me is to experience the foulness I eat every day, to experience the foulness I see every day, to experience the foulness I hear every day, and to experience the foul individuals I come across everyday. To experience the struggle of fighting desperately hard not to become the foulness this prison was built upon. To understand my inner man is to understand a lost and broken heart trying to mend itself back together. To understand my inner man is to understand the meaning of my emotional tears, emotional pain, and emotional emotions. To understand me is to understand my struggles in becoming a “Real Man,” with integrity, purpose, goals, morals, ethics, ambitions, self-determination, empowerment, passion, compassionate, knowledge, wisdom, and intelligence; in a place (prison) that is known to only breed mentally and emotionally broken people. Whose only motive in life is negativity (violence) and never positivity (righteousness). Try standing strong mentally, emotionally and spiritually against all the negative demons I battle with each day. Try fighting a battle that
Tight Rope
Lil’ V Rappin’ Verse 1: Some people talk about like they know all about ya! When you get down they doubt ya. And when you tipping on the scene yeah they talking ‘bout it, ‘cause they can’t tip on the scene. Watcha talk about it. T-t-ttalk about when you get elevated. They love it or they hate it. You dance up on them haters. You dance up on the haters. Keep getting funky on the scene why they jumping round ya. They tryna take all of your dreams, but you can’t allow it… Erotic Singing Chorus: ‘Cause baby whether you’re high or low, whether you’re high or low you gotta tip on the tight rope, t-t-t-tip on the tight rope. Baby, baby whether you’re high or low. Baby whether you’re high or low, you got to tip on the tight rope. Now let me see you do the tight rope and I’m still tipping on it. Erotic Rappin’ Verse 2: See, I’m not walking on it or trying to run around it. This ain’t no acrobatics. You either follow or you lead. Yea, I’m talking ‘bout ya or keep on blaming the machine. Now I’m talking about it, t-t-t-talking bout it. I can’t complain about it. I got to keep my balance and just keep dancing on it. We getting funky on the scene and you know about it. Like a star on the screen, watch me tip all it. Lil’ V Rappin’ Verse 3: You gotta… you gotta keep your balance or you’ll fall into the gap. It’s a challenge but I manage ‘cause I’m caution with the strap. Do damage to your cabbage that a doctor cannot patch. See why you don’t want no friction, like the back of a matchbox. Daddy fat stackers will fold you and you Mac-book closed show. Shut you down before we go, go backward and you’re gonna act up and whether we high or low we gonna get back up like an alien and his ship ha ha… or sort of like a
Michael T. Crawford Jr.
We have some more work to share with our readers in this issue by one of our habitual writers, Mr. Michael T. Crawford Jr. This piece is about understanding him, his frame of mind, and how it came to be that way through his experiences being locked behind thick walls and bars. We sincerely hope he’s now on the path to mending his broken heart and getting his life back on track. Michael is writing from CCI State Prison in Tehachapi, CA.
has only brought you frustration, anger, and stress. To understand my inner man is to understand what it is like to fight a physiological war, emotional war, mental war, and physical war for the rest of your life. Understand this, I’m far from a bad, evil person, for I possess a golden, pure heart. So is it because I have to fight demonic negative evil spirits of men that makes me a bad person? Or is it because I have to commit certain un-righteous deeds and acts in order to continue prevailing in this war, that makes me a bad man? In order for you to understand what I just wrote you will have to experience being incarcerated in prison. You will have to understand yourself, then understand the limits, also risks you are willing to take in order to achieve and survive in life. To understand my inner man is to understand “struggle” and “life.” To understand me is to understand a slave whose been taken from his homeland and held captive (forcedly) with a loss of willpower. To understand my inner man is to understand true freedom and to understand captivity. To understand my inner man is to understand that no matter how bad your living conditions may be and the circumstances of your life, life is never over. With self- determination, self-empowerment, selfdrive to want something better out of life, you will never be defeated by the elements of life. Understanding yourself and your life (truly understanding those two things), then you will understand me and my inner man.
Lil’ V
Lil’ V is back again with a guest writer, rapper, singer, and friend Candy Nicole aka Erotic who collaborated with him to produce this jam. He says it’s called “Tight Rope,” because life is like a tight rope and life is what you make. You can follow, be a leader, or you walk/fall in that gap. Great words! Lil’ V currently resides (and hopefully still makes beats) in the James V. Allred Unit in Iowa Park, TX.
thong in a ass crack, come on ha ha… Rappin’ Erotic Verse 4: “I tip, tip on alligators” and “little rattle-snakers”, but I’m another flavor, something like a terminator. Ain’t no equivocating, I fight for what I believe… (Alien Records) while you talking ‘bout it sh-sh-shshe’s talking ‘bout it some callin’ me a sinner some callin’ me a winner but I’m calling you the dinner ha… and you know exactly what I mean. Yeah, I’m talking ‘bout ya. You could rock or you could leave. Watch me tip without ya! ‘Cause me and Lil V will never slip without ya! Erotic Chorus: ‘Cause baby whether you’re high or low, whether you’re high or low you gotta tip on the tight rope, t-t-t-tip on the tight rope. Baby, baby whether you’re high or low. Baby whether you’re high or low, you got to tip on the tight rope. Now let me see you do the tight rope, and I’m still tipping on it. Alien Records keepin’… Talking- Lil V, Erotic: (Lil V)- It is what it is. Rappers and singers have more in common than you think or not (Erotic)- Here we put our collabo chemistry to the test (Lil V)- Alien Record with Midnight Money Records and can’t forget about our people at The Beat Within!!! Yo Erotic, just tell them haters to keep on suckin’ (Erotic)- Lookout, The Beat Within. We see you baby…
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Sometimes A Prisoner Wins When the prison cell door closed behind me, And the reality of incarceration set in. My life was in total chaos, And for quite sometime had been. A life of sin had brought me here; In that there was no doubt. I must find my way back home, Was all I could think about. Then as I walked by the prison’s chapel, And asked “Please, could I attend?” I needed to get right with God, And finally make amends. The Lord helped me regain my faith, And forgave me of my sins. Good times can come from within these walls, And sometimes the prisoner wins.
The Bible: God’s Holy Word It is a traveler’s map, The pilgrim’s staff, The pilot’s compass, The soldier’s sword, And the Christian’s charter. Read it slowly, frequently, prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, A paradise of glory, And a river of pleasure. It involves the highest responsibility, Rewards the greatest labor, and Condemns all who trifle with its holy contents.
Herbert H. Schweigert
We’re pleased to be publishing more work from one of our habitual writers, Herbert H. Schweigert. We love his outlook in his poems, and we’re glad to see that he cares enough to share his experiences and what, or whom, it took coming into his life to change the course. He writes to us from the Western Missouri Correctional Center in Cameron, MO.
The Bargain
By a published Author and Prisoner here at WMCC. One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. “Yes, sir,” he said. “I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap and used bait. I knew they couldn’t resist. Got ‘em all!” What are you going to do with them?” Jesus asked him. Satan replied, “Oh, I’m gonna have fun! I’m gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I’m gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other in war games. I’m really gonna have fun!” “And what will you do when you get done with them?” Jesus asked him. “Oh, I’ll kill ‘em,” Satan glared proudly. “How much do you want for them?” Jesus asked. “Oh, you don’t want the people. They ain’t no good. Why, you’ll take them and they’ll just hate you. They’ll spit on you, curse and stone you, even kill you! You don’t want those people!” “How much?” Jesus asked again. Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, all your tears, all your blood… your very life.” Jesus said, “Done!” Then He paid the price on Calvarias Cross.
Reaching new lows, calling them highs, Hiding the truth, dwelling on lies.
Warning Warning Warning
The Bible, God’s Holy Word Psalms 119:91, 167, 103, and Psalms 1:2 Warning: This Book is habit-forming. Regular use causes loss of anxiety and a decreased appetite for lying, cheating, stealing and hating. Symptoms: Increased sensations of love, peace, joy, and compassion. Winning Words for Daily Living It will open blinded eyes to see His love; It will give you a backbone to stand, and give a helping hand. With this Word in your heart You will take no part Of this world and all its folly. With this Word in your heart You will soon depart This world, and won’t that be jolly? So let the Word of God be a lamp unto your feet – a light unto your path. Psalms 119:105 – Hide it in your heart – talk it with your mouth – walk it with your feet – and grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The One That I Blame Criminal record, drug abuse, Hurting others, no reason or excuse. Go to church? What’s the point? Drink some more, roll a joint.
A bad attitude, another tattoo, Yeah, I did, what’s it to you? Reaching new lows, calling them highs, Hiding the truth, dwelling on lies. Looking over my shoulder, dealing drugs, Abandoning family, runnin’ with thugs. My own personal war, waged as a child: Cussed, beaten and sexually defiled. I loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn’t, Thinking, I could “even up” but really, I couldn’t. Finally, I fell to my knees and let go of my pride, Then I asked the Lord to heal me inside. I thanked Him for His mercy, And for His death on the cross. I gave Him my all And made Him “the Boss”.
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A Hug For Real Women
This is for you, my friend… Here you find me sending an unexpected hug to you for no other reason than just because your appreciated and cared for! So, while you’re reading these following words, don’t think of them as just words. Think of each one as a hug for your heart from my heart. “Real women do real things, real women have big dreams, real women don’t tell lies, real women aren’t afraid to cry, real women are out-spoken, real women aren’t always smoking, real women don’t need a man, real women always handle theirs, real women don’t have affairs, real women live their lives legit, real women aren’t about bullshhh.”
Come, My Queen
My queen, come close, let us toast and make host of our love. From a vine came this delicious wine that, consumed our mind. Rhythmically we entwined in a heavenly bliss where you and I embodied and kissed. Let not your conscience be filled with doubt nor dissuaded by your given act of love. Feel, rather, exonerated, elevated, rejuvenated and mindful of our bondness. Grasp my hand, your highness. Feel its vibes of kindness and notice the pounding of my beating heart. Trust in it, and let this be your guide. Come, my queen, let us make host of our love. Now that you’re my wife forever more!
Pure And True
As if on angel’s wings, this gentle whisper is carried to find you. There and keep you close at heart… remembering when love first linked our hearts as one. The street magic I felt when life with you had just begun… too good to be true, too wonderful to last, now it’s all in the past… too late for any regrets, what we had for each other, I will never forget! “A love pure and true, a love that was made from me and you.”
Serendipity Love
He showed up to her ranch Tatted and driving a battered Ford. She saw him and didn’t like his type— Too young, for one. He worked hard; even broke that bronc. She saw him in only wranglers, And his brawny bod made her flush. She went for a ride one day, And chanced across him in the meadow. He smiled like Apollo, with charm just as potent. She even agreed on a date. After a picnic and sunset, The next day they were at the ranch alone, And he was shirtless. Lust turned to passion and he held Her in his strong arms And had her in the barn. Many times they made love, And his gentleness surprised her. Afterwards His jokes made her laugh, And by and by, their hearts were entwined. Now it’s their ranch, and there’s a son; One with black hair and strong eyes, Just like his dad.
Louie Charles Jr.
Louie Charles Jr. has sent us four incredibly thoughtful and powerful poems all focusing on the beautiful and powerful aspects of the women in his life. These are great pieces, and certainly ones a woman can appreciate. There is sadness in them, too. We’re glad to see his emotions put into words. He writes to us from Kern Valley State Prison in Delano, CA.
Let not your conscience be filled with doubt nor dissuaded by your given act of love.
A Bond Has Been Broken
Understand beautiful, when we first started, I never imagined life would ever had turned out this way. But we all are aware that life is full of unanswered questions as to why the inevitable brings people together. I could never begin to look for the answer as to why we found each other’s companionship, except to experience what “I fear to feel,” “love.” Love is the most unique feeling we can ever endure, but once we lose it, along goes a piece of our heart. Love survives all challenges by pure desire, passion and the belief that what has been found is “real” and shall withstand all trials and tribulations. Love presents us with awkward feelings I personally never felt or believed existed until our paths untwined. Love leads people festering in a world searched to find was found. (Our daughters) are a prime example of our true love established to last forever, lasting for infinity, but in a dreadful closure all that’s left from our bond is pain. However, I take with me treasured memories because real love forgives those we truly love, and I’ll never hold ill feelings for you nor towards the way it ended. Destiny leads people together or astray ‘till love is found again. In closing, I leave you with this thought, I kissed you every night in my dreams, know that in my heart you’re mine and I’m yours, even though every night I know you lay next to someone else. I still love you, that it hurts to admit and to even have the thought.
Nathan Sessing
We introduce you to Nathan Sessing, who had love on his mind when he wrote the two poems he sent to us. The first is more story-like with a very happy ending. The second is a little more sad and more realistic, a true from-the-heart poem. He writes to us from Kern Valley State Prison in Delano, CA.
Like My Life
I sit here writin’ letters and stories, Tryin’ to fill in pieces of an empty life. Reachin’ for the phone in my dreams, So I could just have a little longer to talk to you. I bet there’s a woman out there who’s mad, mad For her man’s not payin’ attention to her. Would you believe baby—if I could hold you I’d Never let go; I got our entire life worked out in my head, As if we’re livin’ it now. But that’s dust blowin’ in the wind, Passin’, Like my life; it’s all gone baby, And I never knew ya.
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Prison Thoughts
Society found me guilty and now I’m serving time Because I broke the law and committed a crime. I sold cocaine, even though I knew it was wrong So the law placed me behind bars where I belong. Waking up each day by the sound of a bell Knowing I’ve got to face another day in a cell With nowhere to go or nowhere to hide But to follow orders and remain locked away inside.
Buddy Custer
We’ve got two poems in this issue about what living in prison is like for Buddy Custer. He lets us into the inmate mentality and gives us a glimpse of what time locked up is like for him. He writes to us from the Rockingham County Jail in Harrisonburg, Virginia.
Jailhouse Blues
Making bad decisions, I committed a crime, The judge found me guilty; now I’m serving time. So here I sit in the Rockingham County Jail, Because of a ‘plea-agreement,’ I have no bail.
Separated from family because I broke the law Leaving nothing but communication through a collect call With fifteen minutes ticking away very fast Sharing all your love, while they last.
Calling collect as my ten minutes tic away, Missing loved ones each and every day. There’s nothing to do or nowhere to go But feel ashamed with your head hung low.
Today I’m alone with no family in sight But they’re sadly missed each and every night. As the days pass by, I begin to see That being in the penitentiary is not for me.
Whether you’re black or white, green or blue, This jail only cares about taking money from you. Medical cares nothing about your health, just your money, And as an inmate here, I don’t find it very funny.
Well the weeks go by and the years become longer Which makes my need for freedom grow that much stronger So now I’m waiting for the day they set me free Because I’ll never forget my life in the state penitentiary.
So it doesn’t matter what you do or say, As long as the jail receives their dollar a day. But I’ll do my time, waiting to put on my walking shoes, Because I’m tired of living “The Jailhouse Blues.”
Lessons Learned
Hey, what’s up with it, Beat? In a few days it will be two years since my abortion, so I am in a funky mood right now. It was a hard choice, but I don’t regret it because I don’t want to bring a baby into this world knowing it is going to be put up for adoption all because the dad wanted someone else. I fought him for two months, telling him I really am pregnant and he needs to do something about it. He wouldn’t, so that left me high and dry without anywhere to go. So, I did what I thought was best. The pain will forever be there and will never go away. Staying in this world never knowing my baby. Having to wait ‘til I go to heaven. But what is done is done, and I can’t go back. My message to guys: don’t do something unless you know you are man enough to stick with it all the way through, life taking care of your child. Girls: There is no such thing as keeping a dude’s baby anymore. Just because it is his flesh and blood doesn’t mean he cares about the baby. Remember that. Don’t do something unless you are one hundred ten percent sure it is the right thing to do. Listen to that voice in your head and heart. For me that voice had never done me wrong. What has done me wrong is not listening to it. God put that voice there for a reason. Use it and listen to it!
That is the best time to turn it into something positive. Society expects us to fail throughout life, but I choose to rise above it because I hate people labeling me and turning me into a statistic.
Amanda Clifford
We’ve got some new work from one of our few, and very thoughtful, female writers featured in the BWO pages, Amanda Clifford. Her first prose piece is thoughts and advice on having children/abortions. We appreciate her sharing those thoughts with us on such a delicate subject. The second piece is very go-get-em, and we hope our readers and writers adopt her “prove them wrong” attitude to better their lives. She is sending us writing from the Santa Clara County Jail in Milpitas, CA. We first met Amanda when she was a participant in our weekly workshops in the Santa Clara County Juvenile Hall. We are thrilled to have her back in
I Can
I saw a tattoo recently where it said, “Tell me I can’t and I will show you I can.” I really liked it because for me doing school in the max unit at Elmwood (county jail) is damn near impossible. It took me awhile and a lot of people’s help to set it up, but now I am two classes from graduating. It is an even bigger accomplishment because I worked so hard for it. When you’re in jail and you do something that major, it is that much more wonderful. Jail is a bunch of can’ts unless you turn it into an “I can.” Most people I know at juvie said they’d rather get high than go to school. But while you are in juvie, everyone expects you not to care and not to do anything. That is the best time to turn it into something positive. Society expects us to fail throughout life, but I choose to rise above it because I hate people labeling me and turning me into a statistic. I am just another inmate ‘til I get out. Along the way, I might find a few people who care what happen to me, but not many. A lot of people on the outs have fallen off because I been down so long. But, once I am out and I show I can, they will come back. Well, when I was at my lowest point, where were you? I have now figured out who cares about me. There are only four people who have continued to write me, loyally, since I been down.
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Invitation to a Friend
The other day I came back to camp From the long hard ride. I unsaddled my horse, hobbled him and Turned him loose to graze. I built a small campfire, ate some left-over chuck And laid down on my bed roll To look up at the stars. I soaked up the coolness of the still mountain air. And before long fell sound asleep. On that night, I dreamed that I had completed This life, and passed into the next. Being a believing man, I made my way up the Trail to Heaven’s gate. I fumbled a little with the latch, But I got in OK. As I entered the new territory I became escorted by a band of angels On the best made white horse you ever saw. As we rode along trails of pure green sod, I asked our destination And they explained that I must go And stand before GOD… I said I’d been purty good. They said that makes a little difference, but that I must believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only son, Who died and was raised again for the sins I’d done. “Oh, I said, I do believe, even though I never spread it around much…” The angels were silent We rode long and hard through a thousand hills Covered with prime cattle all bearing The fish-cross brand. We passed through many a line camp with cowboys Sipping coffee, laughing, and telling stories Of their cowboy work. They all seemed to know each other well, As if they had rode together in the previous life. I commenced to search the faces for “hands” I’d known Because I’d rode for every outfit From here to the Rio Grande. It worried me because I knew not one I didn’t want to get assigned to a line camp With an all new crew. I continued frantically to try and find a familiar face Although all were friendly, all were still strangers. Back on earth I knew many a good ole’ boy that I was Sure would be here, although I never really asked. I thought silently to myself about this; I
An Ordinary Day
Today was just another ordinary day I went about my work the usual way The path was one I had often tread But what a difference, now I walk with God Today again was an ordinary day And nothing special happened on my way But oh, the joy you didn’t see Now that I know my Savior walks with me Today, still just another ordinary day
Terrence Lavery
A newcomer to our pages in this issue, Terrence Lavery, shares with our readers a phenomenal poem, a story about inviting friends to hear of God’s love and forgiveness. It focuses on a cowboy who had died and gone to heaven. Expecting to see the faces of departed loved ones, he’s confused when none come up. You’ll have to read more for the great ending. Terrence writes to The Beat Without from Stafford Creek Corrections Center in Aberdeen, Washington.
Must question God. Soon we rode into the main ranch headquarters, An absolute heaven of a spread. The ham so huge, spread roundabout by White corrals in perfect repair. Every corral cleaned with hay feeders filled As if waiting guest to show. The angels dismounted and each horse found his stall. I noticed one left and put my horse inside. I straightened my vest, removed my hat, and Prepared to meet my God. As I stepped forward to the porch, Magnificent light shown roundabout. I shook a little, as I bowed before my Lord, Wondering, “Where would I be assigned? Where Are my friends?” The questions only on my mind. In a voice so pure and unwavering, The lord said “My son, how many friends did you invite?” As I bowed my head in shame, I didn’t have to answer. The Lord said, “My son, you must ride the trails alone, For of my love, you told no one.” I awoke in great fright. Praise my Lord it was only a dream. But it woke me up, my friend. I have no intention of being judgmental, But I know that although we’ve been close, my friend. We’ve talked little of God. I must share with you the key To Heaven’s gate. The only key is Jesus Christ, on Him you must believe. Ask for His forgiveness, invite Him into your heart And read God’s word To learn the mercy, love and peace I now know. My friend, together one day we ride the trails Of pure green sod and ponder over the Grazing of fish-cross cattle of our one and Only God.
Demetree Martin
We welcome Demetree Martin, another new BWO writer, who is publishing his first poem within our pages. This is a very uplifting poem that shows us the difference in his life now that God is walking by his side. He is writing us from California State Prison Sacramento in Represa, CA.
The usual work, and then a little play But oh, what peace and even tide To know that God and I walked side by side
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Life
People who love are different from everybody else. People who feel are more fortunate than all. A mother with life in her womb is truly wealthy. A newborn in the arms is beyond oil in one palm and pure gold in the other. Father says that there is no God. So that I may worship Him. But something in the atmosphere … not for viewing, but for sensing and being changed by That I can feel. I am certain. My first love was the sky. Who created that? My second love was my mother’s eyes that revealed a reflection of me. My father had a house of great beauty built for us all. But who created the mind, the memory, and the imagination? I’d sit in the soil, surrounded with no walls, just to talk To that ONE, even without words. . . Why turn on lights when we can lie under the glare of the moon? Why listen to the call for war when we can make love? They want a revolution, but I want passion revolving in my soul. A man invented the fan, but who created the wind and caressed it into a breeze? Then converted it into a storm? A cloud holds the water, yet both clouds and water were created. My wife asked me “Do you love me?” So gently I answered her. “I love the creator of life. This why I can love you.”
Never
We are young, but not too young to love. We are naïve, but not too naive to know what we are feeling. Who put this love into the atmosphere and this craving into our bodies? Who put this into our hearts and these thoughts into our minds? Who brought us together, if we were supposed to be apart? We did right. So why do they say “us” is wrong? If not speaking any words in common could not stop our love, If being divided by culture or blood relations or even oceans could not stop our love, What can stop our love? No one, none, nothing. . .
Jerru Jackson
We know what Jerru Jackson had on his mind when he wrote the three poems sent to the BWO: life, love and passion. It’s hard to hold onto those good aspects of life when things are rough and dark, but Jerru seems to be in touch with them easily. We also think he may be a hopeless romantic, a trait the ladies love to see (or read). He sends us work from way on the east coast in sunny Raiford, Florida at the Union Correctional Institution.
Who put this love into the atmosphere and this craving into our bodies? Who put this into our hearts and these thoughts into our minds? Never Let Go
Boo please don’t hate my father because my mother loved him so. And I love my mother more than anyone could know. She has returned to earth but lives on in my heart. Sometimes still we speak, even though we’re worlds apart. Dad asked me what do you see in this Spanish girl? I answer a hot spring on top of a cold mountain. Or my bare skin against a sizzling hot rock. Remove her from your heart! Could I pull my teeth out one at a time? Or maybe peel off my own skin beginning with my fingers? I couldn’t ever… I need her, like a poor boy needs everyday rice. She is the deepest feeling I have ever felt. Like water rushing down from the steepest waterfall. If you are asking me not to love her, kill me. But if I should still be reborn, I would love her still. My soul loves her soul. Her soul is my soul. No one can say they love me, yet try to separate me from this feeling. Mia, they could never understand us. How could they? They don’t even want to.
My life was not bad in the sense that I was given no choice, but that I made a lot of really bad mistakes. They led me into a dark place, but now I am coming out to see the light. Surviving Life’s Lottery
Hey Beat. How are you doing? I am fine. I wanted to ask all the people who read this to think about the life they left behind when they were arrested. Some people didn’t lead bad lives; they simply made some bad mistakes. Others, not so lucky in life’s lottery, were born into a very difficult situation. This left them no choice in how they needed to act to survive, and this hurts me just thinking about it. My life was not bad in the sense that I was given no choice, but that I made a lot of really bad mistakes. They led me into a dark place, but now I am coming out to see the light. I have made some pretty amazing self-discoveries through these past five years. I found my tradition (religious path). I understand my homosexuality, my inner struggle between anger and love, and many deeper mental challenges. I try to help others find their inner light because there is a saying that says, “If what you seek you find not within you, you will never find it without.” I
Jessie Gray
We love to read Jessie Gray’s work as there is always something enlightening or something that catches our eye and makes us think, and this piece is no different. The love and hope he has for those around him is remarkable. Keep it up! This brilliant young mind writes from Chaderjian Youth Correctional Facility (formerly known as the California Youth Authority) in Stockton, CA.
see this as insanely true. There are only so many things that the mind may agree with without doubt. That may be one of them. I look at some of these young men around me, and a suffering pain rolls through me. To see the way their lives have spiraled into the abyss leaves me almost in tears. I love every young person in this place, no matter who they are or what they did. I will always hope for their safety and beg for their forgiveness from my Goddess. She will hopefully forgive and accept all of them.
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Shackled in Needles
I Remember way back when, Back when you used to smile; When there was still a spark in your eyes. Sometimes I see that person, A lost soul, Trying to reach through the haze. Wonder If that person will resurface Or if she is too damaged by time; Hard time made more difficult by suffering. If Only you could awaken from this daze. Open your heavy eyes and see again, Live again. You’re Perpetually seeking refuge in the fog, Escaping deeper with each plunge, Just cooking up trouble in a spoon. Still, You’re in love with the needle, Letting tainted blood soil the bathroom floor, Ready to close your eyes for the last time. Here You sit shaking in your cold sweat, Sick from the inevitable kick Wishing the white lady would let go.
Expectations
You want me to be business When I aspire to be bohemian Everyday I’m told to wear the workman’s blues It just turns me a deeper shade of red You think you can bring me down to earth But it just proves you have got your head in the clouds I am meant to be a free spirit Not a body chained in conformity Every step higher you want me to take Is another pound of dirt in my grave
The Essence of Comforting Peace
Imagine the world reflecting the nature of the universe, which would resemble the nature of peace. A peaceful world by nature where any and everybody could experience internal comfort and peace among each other, regardless if you are judged as a human being, or a beast. In nature’s eyes, we all are considered as one, so by the laws of nature, let there be peace. The essence of comfort is peace, among human beings and beast has illogically been interrupted by propaganda, and we as universal symbolic revolutionary symbols rotation participation of fearing what we don’t understand, hating what we can’t concur and struggling to survive. But that’s not an adequate justification to sacrifice a beast life. When the essence of comfort is massively rotated, it establishes
Max S.
Another young, creative mind the BWO has the pleasure of printing work for is Max S. He’s sharing with our readers four new poems of his all centering around different subjects. They’re great, thoughtprovoking reads that we know our readers will enjoy. Max continues to send us work from the East Mesa Juvenile Detention Facility in San Diego, California.
Destruction For Peace
External war runs the world Which would fall apart in peace Without victims there would be no winners Without greed there is no wealth In absence of suffering there can be no prosperity For all the tea in China For all the fish in the sea For all the diamonds, gold and riches Still would not buy peace War is a business That has a monopoly on lives It trades in bullets, blood and bodies And what we are buying are lies The chaos of conflict is nature’s order Today, hot metal is it’s physical form The only way to have peace on earth Is to destroy us all
Directions
A man lost in the thick of things. Just another shape in the clouds. Aimlessly drifting wherever the wind blows. East, west, north and south. They are all the same to him. Up, down, heaven or hell. It’s just another place. Home is lost to the wanderer. He has no place to call his own. Traveling without purpose or direction. Looking for something. Something he doesn’t know he is trying to find. A sense of being is all he wants. But a piece to an unknown puzzle. Fitting in nowhere. Roaming the earth and beyond To find the man in the mirror.
Robert O Dinkins
We love the thoughts Robert O Dinkins is sharing with us in his short prose piece regarding peace. The world would be a much better place to live in if everyone regarded each other peacefully, even those society has deemed “beasts,” but even in the natural world, there are going to be predators and prey. A peaceful utopia is a wonderful idea, though, isn’t it? Robert shares his thoughts from the Jefferson City Correctional Center in Jefferson City, Missouri.
the essence of peace in mind, which would secure the essence of peace massively, but when the essence of comfort and peace is massively absent, the world would not be logic, and there would be no sleep. Bless those who would rather have peace and comfort with the beast, animal liberation! Love Berry and Keys.
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My Truths
Man, things are rough all over. I want to do good, but apparently everyone else thinks I’m a bad person. No one wants to help me. Seems to me, everyone is just trying to piss me off. I work hard and do my best, But it ain’t good enough. It’s whatever, I guess. I’m here for life. I try to change things and make things right. It’s times like this that makes me want to go back to drugs. I have seen so many people come and go. All pretty much the same stories. Lost and confuse. I tell them it’s the same here I tell them this place won’t make you change. This place doesn’t help. This place’s portrayal of a normal kid is A snot nose, kiss butt, goodie two shoes. A Mexican like me is just another criminal. They tell me I won’t make it If I continue to be who I am, but I am proud of who I am! I don’t rob I don’t steal I listen half the time, the other half is day-dreaming. I hardly lie, I only lie if I have to. I just have a little smoking problem, And even then, I don’t see it that bad, but, Everyone is looking at me like I’m a criminal. I see a lot of kids like me, And I see a lot of un-justice that happens to them The only thing I can say is keep that head held high, Stay strong, and don’t let anybody put you down, ‘cause you are not the image they want. I HOPE someone will give me guidance. I don’t know how long I can go without cracking down and throwing blows. Please help me.
The Less Fortunate One Who is the real friend? Where is the true friend? Come, smile for me Wink your eye Let me see it gleam
Thirst for mine Wish for yours I scuse your lust Seeping through your pores No trickster you are So telegraphed by far Frozen in time Mouth wide open Fingers crossed Sight blind and Heart broken You fool not one But the fool you’ve become
Tristan
We are thrilled to have Tristan back in the pages of The Beat Within. This week our young friend comes on strong, revealing his truths to us readers, with his two entries/letters. Tristan delivers the goods from the Sequoyah Adolescent Treatment Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We already can’t wait to get an update from him.
I’ve been sitting in my cell, thinkin’. Just thinkin’ how my life is going, What our world has become. How things move so fast. A Letter to The Beat
I’ve been sitting in my cell, thinkin’. Just thinkin’ how my life is going, What our world has become. How things move so fast. What my future will be. I have so many questions… Is the glass half empty, or is it half full? I have seen so many people walkin’ in the dark. I use my knowledge to show them the light It’s up to them to go for it, And that’s what kills me. Some people will never know what’s on the other side of the fence. It’s just so depressing. I don’t know. The question I have, seem to have no answers. There’s just got to be a way. I want to be a philosopher when I grow up. I just know, knowledge can be a key. A way out.
Julio C. Cullazo
New to BWO is Julio C. Cullazo. His poem, “The Less Fortunate One,” is about someone who is just that, the less fortunate person in a friendship that is being called into question. Julio is putting pen to paper in Bowling Green, Florida, at the Hardee Correction Institute.
Mistaken you say I am What of intentions made clear By nefaric shams I have seemed mistaken Only to keep the hive less shaken Come, smile for me Wink your eye Let me see it gleam I am not the fall guy WE is not a team Friend or foe It’s no matter For you’ll always be a fiend.
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Game
I’ve walked through flames. I’ve walked on clouds Survived seventeen years in the streets. Sometimes I still wonder how I’ve felt death, Shhh, I’m half dead The other half refuses to die, like my tears refuse to shed My only two emotions: Anger and hate. I’m numb to the rest of ‘em The game’s scandalous, homie, but I still play with the best of ‘em You can’t trust nobody, I learned that the hard way Got stabbed in the back, now I back stab all day You do me dirty and I’ll do you grimy Then let you know where I stay (Santa Rosa), if you ever wanna find me But that’s just me, I’m often misunderstood So I ain’t got no friends, just homies from the hood.
Trigga de la Rosa
Publishing two new poems in this issue is one of our great master of words, Trigga de la Rosa. He’s sent us three new pieces that have the words rolling off your tongue with ease. The first two of his poems are a little on the darker side of life, but his last piece has an ending that may bring you to tears. He writes to us from ole’ Pelican Bay State Prison in Crescent City, CA.
...I’ll never forget how you gave me two beautiful lil’ girls If I could of, I would of paid you back with the world
Confession
Maintainin’
To Ponder a Great Wonder
Rashid Sultan
I know it’s been a long time, but I thought I’d drop a line Just to say happy birthday and let you know what’s on my mind Now all bullshhh to the side, you always have a piece of my heart I would of gave you the whole thing but the rest is cold, broken, and dark Most of all, though, I’ll never forget how you gave me two beautiful lil’ girls If I could of, I would of paid you back with the world It’s a shame how things ended between us, I wish it didn’t Have to be But them cold hand-cuffs or an early grave are the only two fates for a Gee Now as I sit in this level, I hope that in the past we shared I made you happy Next time you see my lil’ girls, tell’ ‘em I love ‘em and that stranger in their dreams is Daddy.
When the Angel of Death Comes to collect my soul Will he just do as he’s told, Or will he stop and think Since I was such a menace It’s a blessing I never aged-old?
Aspirations
I am America’s Young Black Hope Out of the hood I climb, To the top of the education line Out of gang violence I strive To look life in the eyes I am America’s Young Black Hope I was blessed by the Almighty To be born with this tan And regardless of your thoughts I will be great once again No longer will I allow The color of my skin To be the excuse Of why I can’t win
The world’s cold, my tears are dried and frozen Cognac and a strap give me warmth as I puff something potent Life in the streets is tough, life in the gutta’s hard My knees still hurt from five years ago when I last talked to the Lord Gettin’ money’s a must, but I don’t believe in greed I believe in multiplying by dividin’ honey and distributin’ my seeds Death’s a part of life, and that’s on the real To survive this game, you gotta remember hesitation kills Comfortable with the shadiest of characters in my presence As a kid on Christmas, momma would tell me the Grinch stole my presents Kickin’ it with outcasts and misfits I’m most at ease Blinded by the gun-smoke I’ve inhaled laced with THC Concrete walls and locked doors keep many confined But free as a wild eagle; the strong maintain their mind
We welcome Rashid Sultan back to the BWO pages after taking a year hiatus. He’s sent us two poems, one short and one a little bit longer, but the words he’s chosen in both are powerful enough to warrant a second read. His second poem is a great one for our younger authors to gather inspiration and confidence to stand tall, and the overall message fits every one of all colors. Rashid writes to us from Arizona State Prison Complex in Tucson, Arizona.
I am America’s Young Black Hope It’s not where I’ve been Or what’s my past But where I’m going now That improves my class I am America’s Young Black Hope I have been beaten and knocked down And told I would always be a failure But I refuse to give up or to give in So I will continue to stand tall Until He gives His Last And Final Call America’s Young Black Hope…
To understand my inner man is to understand a lost and broken heart trying to mend itself back together.
To understand my inner man is to understand the meaning of my emotional
tears, emotional pain, and emotional emotions.
To understand me is to understand my struggles in becoming a “Real Man,�
with integrity, purpose, goals, morals, ethics, ambitions, self-determination, empowerment, passion, compassionate, knowledge, wisdom, and intelligence; in a place (prison) that is known to only breed mentally and emotionally broken people. Whose only motive in life is negativity (violence) and never positivity (righteousness). read the rest of Michael T. Crawford Jr.’s BWO piece on page 63