Treating Yourself In Tough Times Taking care of yourself through it all

WRITER: David Ngo PHOTOGRAPER: Jess Hume-Pantuso

In a competitive society where we have to manage complex networks of professional and intimate relationships, it can be hard to spend some time and think about how we are treating ourselves.

So, how are you treating yourself today? Have you been treating yourself fairly?

Under normal circumstances, perhaps we treat ourselves alright. But how about when we fail at

something we know we could have easily accomplished? How does society influence how we cope with that failure, and how can we identify what a healthy relationship with ourselves looks like?

As individuals in a society, we are often set up with a series of expectations that can stem from multiple fields of life. Whether this is from the workplace, family, romantic relationships or academics, these expectations can be stressful and sometimes impossible to satisfy. So, with failure constantly knocking at the front door, do we have the necessary tools to confront itt and overcome it? I was able to explore this topic with Dr. Scott Mcfee, a licensed clinical psychologist and instructor at Oregon State University.

Dr. Scott shared with me that oftentimes society sets up unrealistic targets that simply can’t be hit. So when people inevitably fail, they are left stranded with unresolved feelings of shame and humiliation.

“Lack of compassion towards self is one of the core features of what I’ve seen in my work. People will have these really critical thoughts of themselves and then they’ll maintain a cycle of

feeling bad about those things,” Dr. Scott explained.

These feelings of shame are often elevated and maintained when we try to cope with them using self-destructive behaviors. Self-harm, substance use and self-depreciation, to name a few. In truth, these behaviors are a response to shame. They’re often behaviors that people may not want to talk about or even feel uncomfortable doing in the first place. This becomes very clear within the context of the pandemic and recent social unrest. All of these factors contribute to demands that already fill our daily platter of expectations, and can become too difficult to manage with the unraveling of our support structures. Due to COVID-19, many relationships are physically blocked off, and therefore, starve us of a way to manage our issues.

In an interview with two highschoolers, Shaun Le and Chay Casas, they both independently mentioned a crucial part in how they managed failure–talking about it. They emphasized that communicating what happened and having a safe environment to do so helped tremendously in how they dealt with these feelings of shame.

In relation to what I discussed with Dr. Scott, it made sense.

“The only way to deal with shame is to talk about it. Oftentimes when we fail or feel bad about something we fear appearing weak and so it takes a particular type of strength to be vulnerable with people you care about.”

Being vulnerable in any circumstance is risky because it can make way for more hurt. However, this state of vulnerability is when the most value can also be derived. We are able to see ourselves at our most basic level, and interact with the world without a mask (no pun intended). It is a level of authenticity that can be “hard to nail down”, as described by Dr. Scott. But perhaps it’s not something that needs to be nailed down in the first place. Reaching that point of authenticity towards self is a lifelong journey, and as long as we are traveling on its path, we will reap its benefits. We live in a fast-paced society with many points of instant gratification, and quick fixes for our issues. We need to understand there isn’t a fit-all when it comes to dealing with failure.

An interesting point that Dr. Scott mentioned to me was about the numerous types of therapies (over 500) and how the evidence points to them being equally effective. However, a definitive factor in determining if the treatment is successful is based on whether or not the client and therapist have a healthy relationship. It also means

that there is a shared faith in the success of the treatment plan and that both believe in each other’s motives, as well as intentions.

This may sound far fetched, but sustaining the hope that we will one day climb from our pitfall is critical to recovery. It communicates our intent and allows us to understand if we are taking actions because we choose to or because we are forced to.

To sustain that faith in overcoming failure, forgiveness and moving closer to self-kindness is

paramount. It can be difficult to be kind when we constantly trick ourselves into believing that we deserve the pain that we feel. It can also be hard to forgive yourself, especially when we are left alone with our flaws for a long time. But perhaps we have a misshapen understanding of what forgiveness is. Dr. Scott suggests that forgiveness is more akin to acceptance than a form of forgetfulness.

“Forgiveness is not wanting the past to be different, nor is it condoning it. It is saying that failure is in the past and it cannot be changed.”

No matter what we do, the failures that live in our past will never go away. So, what use is it in worrying about something that can no longer be controlled? What we can do, however, is sow better seeds for the future, and that starts with being more kind and compassionate to ourselves, and then the world around us.

5 Things To Know Before Your First Relationship

WRITER: Teresita Guzman Nader PHOTOGRAPHER: Ridwana Rahman

Falling in love and getting into a relationship can be one of the most rewarding feelings in life. You have the opportunity to make precious, life-long memories with someone important to you.

Maybe you’re looking for that someone special, or maybe you already have someone in mind. Either way, getting into your first serious relationship can be both daunting and exciting. With this in mind, we’ve curated a list of five tips to consider before taking the leap into love.

1. OPPOSITES MIGHT ATTRACT, BUT DON’T MAKE THE BEST PARTNERS IN THE LONG-TERM

You might have heard about the saying “opposites attract,” and while it might be very exciting to date someone that has different interests or personality than your own, it might not be the best decision for you in the long-run.

Kristen Yax, an Instructor of Psychology at Oregon State University, said she recommends people thinking about getting in their first relationship should look for a partner with similar interests and values.

“While we like to think that opposites attract (differences might always be fun and exciting in the beginning of a new relationship), research shows that similarities and sharing common values and interests predicts more satisfying, long-term relationships,” Dr. Yax said via email.

2. DO NOT SPEND 24/7 WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Dr. Yax said a common issue she has witnessed in college romantic relationships is that some couples communicate and spend too much time around each other, which does not allow them to maintain a sense of self.

“A common issue I have witnessed is the need to communicate or be around each other 24/7. Given the access we have via technology, many couples develop unrealistic expectations about how often they should communicate, whether in person or via mobile devices,” Dr.Yax said via email.

”It is important for each partner to maintain some sense of identity and individuality outside of the relationship, whereby they have their own hobbies, interests and friends. My recommendation is to always be open and honest about expectations, and set boundaries about communication early on so both partners are on the same page.”

3. NO ONE IS A BAD KISSER, YOU JUST NEED PRACTICE

Katelin Vandehey, a third- year Civil Engineering student at OSU, said she wishes she knew that everyone’s first kiss sucks. “I was so scared leading up to it that I constantly pushed off obvious moves. It’s one of those things that you’ll get better at it and it’s okay,” Vandehey said.

4. GO ON CASUAL DATES TO LEARN WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON’T LIKE

Vandehey said she went through a phase where she went on several dates using dating apps, and this helped her to learn more about herself and the things she likes in a partner.

“I went through my phase of hitting up many different dating apps and I met a lot of different people which was ex citing and it helps you come up with even more date ideas,” Vandehey said via email. “Find your common interests and don’t be scared to try something they enjoy. I have an incredible fear of heights but I sucked it up and my boy friend took me skiing last winter and now I love it.”

Vandehey also said it’s important to have icebreakers ready to start up conversation. Asking about their favorite sports or movies is a great place to begin.

GO ON CASUAL DATES TO LEARN WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON’T LIKE

Vandehey said she went through a phase where she went on several dates using dating apps, and this helped her to learn more about herself and the things she likes in a partner.

“I went through my phase of hitting up many different dating apps and I met a lot of different people which was exciting and it helps you come up with even more date ideas,” Vandehey said via email. “Find your common interests and don’t be scared to try something they enjoy. I have an incredible fear of heights but I sucked it up and my boy-

Vandehey also said it’s important to have icebreakers ready to start up conversation. Asking about their favorite

5. IGNORE THE PEER PRESSURE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

Abby Aof, graduate student in Computer Science at OSU, said she got into her first relationship when she was 19-years-old.

“I had my first romantic relationship when I was 19, very late compared to my fellow friends since I was busy trying to be admitted to a university with a full or partial funded fellowship,” Aof said via email. “My partner was in his 30’s, kind, caring, educated, and supportive. He was not my sugar daddy, but he was definitely the grown man who falls in love with a teenager (or at least that’s how he looked at me).”

Aof said her partner sent her red roses and “good morning texts,” but regardless of all the romantic affection he showed her, he did not show interest in taking the relationship more seriously, and eventually they broke up.

“My advice to others is to take the time to choose carefully and [do not] rush getting into a relationship just because others are. I believe most (if not all) people are good, but we need to choose the ones who are good for us. The ones who support and truly care for us. The ones that we can be vulnerable with,” Aof said via email. “Because it was my first relationship I learned my self worth and weaknesses which made me stronger and more confident now.”

Maximize Your Potential

6 POTENTIAL FIRST DATES

WRITER: James Fleck PHOTOGRAPHER: Cyan Perry

There’s a concept in physics called potential energy in which an object is in a position to release a larger amount of energy than normal. Water gathering behind a dam, a book at the edge of a table, a kid about to go down a slide, all of these are filled with potential energy. This concept doesn’t just apply to physics, it also applies to every day of our lives. Think about it, you’re spending the day in online classes and not going anywhere? That day has little potential energy, there’s only so many things that could come out of online class. Your first day of work, on the other hand? Filled with potential energy, you might meet your business partner for the next 20 years.

One occasion with some of the highest potential energy is a first date. If you play your cards right, a total stranger could become the love of your life. That sounds like potential to me. To maximize your potential energy, you’ve got to make a strong first impression, so here are six potential first dates ideas.

DINNER AND A SHOW:

A classic combination, sharing a meal gives you a solid block of time to get to know each other while a movie or show takes a bit of the pressure off and gives you something to talk about afterwards. Though this one might be tougher due to restaurants and theaters being closed, you could replicate it at home easily enough, plus you could turn cooking together into another first date activity.

TRIVIA NIGHT:

Lots of bars host the occasional trivia night, which is the perfect place for some quick cooperation. Most places do general trivia, but if there’s a specific topic you and your date are both into, it could be worth finding a place that does themed trivia. Whether it’s sports, entertainment, fashion, history, science--a good trivia night is sure to be anything but boring.

VOLUNTEER AT AN ANIMAL SHELTER:

Who doesn’t love dogs and cats? Animal shelters around the world provide temporary homes for animals, and they’re always looking for volunteers to walk and play with the furry friends living there. I don’t know about you, but I see spending an afternoon on a date with a bunch of paws running around as an absolute win.

KARAOKE NIGHT:

First dates can be awkward, nobody’s denying that, but sometimes getting out of your comfort zone is the perfect way to break the ice. After getting over the initial embarrassment of singing in front of strangers, karaoke is a ton of fun and a great way to show your date your fun side.

TAKE A HIKE:

Don’t want to spend a bunch of money on dinner and a movie? Take your date on your favorite hiking trail, if that’s something they’re into. This activity allows time to get to know each other, and ideally, a great view at the top. Plus if either of you have dogs, this first date is pet friendly.

Take a Swing Dance Class

Taking a dance class with a total stranger? Wouldn’t that be super awkward? Maybe at first, but like karaoke, once you get past the initial awkwardness, swing dancing is tons of fun! The basics are easy enough to learn and, if the date goes well, dancing could be something you and your date do together all the time.