Grey divorce - The reasons and implications

Words Jennifer Hetherington

My grandparents were married for 66 years. They used to sit on the couch together holding hands. They had a blissful, happy marriage with three children, 12 grandchildren and nine greatgrandchildren. They met during WWII and fell in love, but Nana’s father would not allow her to marry until after her 21st birthday.

Whilst my grandparents and parents have had a long and happy marriage – despite trials and tribulations along the way – not all marriages fare the same.

There is a growing trend known as ‘grey divorce’ ‘late-life divorce’, ‘boomer divorce.’ The incidence of older couples separating is on the rise, with the average age of people getting divorced shifting to people aged in their mid-40s, and a significant increase in the numbers of those separating after the age of 50.

The reasons are many and varied. Some describe intentionally ‘hanging in there’ until the children have left home or finished school. Others talk about thinking everything was ok, but once the kids left home, they realised they had grown apart. One client described to me the loneliness she felt when it was just the two of them.

Of course, infidelity can be a factor – some clients have turned a blind eye but are not prepared to do so any longer. Key reasons cited for divorce is the husband or wife becoming romantically involved with a younger person. This kind of relationship brings them fresh excitement which is perceived to be absent from their current marriage. Often, what they don’t realise is that the new relationship is only fun because there’s no responsibility with it.

Others felt they had to wait until the children were over 18 as their abusive husband would have taken the children from them.

Women tend to cite emotional abuse as a leading factor for divorce, as well as infidelity. It’s the husbands who complain more of incompatibility and loss of love, leading them to look elsewhere.

One of the saddest kinds of divorce among older Australians is when one party becomes ill or they lose a child and can’t recover from it.

One study from 2009 found the strongest predictor for separation or divorce for patients with brain cancer was whether the sick person was a woman. Researchers found men were seven times more likely to leave their partner when facing illness than the other way around. A 2015 paper tracking 2,701 marriages found only 6% ended in divorce when one of the partners became unwell, with men, again, more likely to leave.

There are several reasons for this growing trend of divorce after 60 years of age:

• We are healthier and living longer. • We are less willing to “settle” and stay in a bad marriage. • We are more likely to be in second marriages in which divorce happens at a higher rate. • There is less stigma to ending a marriage. • Women are more independent and self-sufficient than women in earlier generations. • It’s more acceptable for men to leave a long marriage for something new.

Whatever the reason, ‘grey divorce’ is becoming more common, and if not handled well, it can result in devastating financial outcomes.

Women tend to cite emotional abuse as a leading factor for divorce, as well as infidelity. It’s the husbands who complain more of incompatibility and loss of love, leading them to look elsewhere.

How is ‘grey divorce’ different?

Separation at any age can be difficult. However, ‘grey divorce’ has unique challenges and requires expert family law and financial advice, to ensure that both spouses can survive in their golden years.

With ‘grey divorces’ you change from joint goals for your financial future and retirement, to trying to divide what you have built over a lifetime together, to both start over. Your retirement plan goes out the window and you need to plan from scratch.

Research has shown that ‘grey divorce’ can take a particularly serious financial toll on women. At an age where you have worked together, perhaps given up a career to raise a family, with the expectation of enjoying a comfortable retirement, you can have the rug pulled from underneath you.

Given that when you reach retirement age, you can generally expect to live another 25 odd years, this is a frightening prospect.

The key is to ensure that the family property settlement you receive is not only within the range of your legal entitlement, but appropriately structured to suit your retirement needs.

Financial advisers and lawyers recommend older couples considering divorce need to review their financial assets and income. Here are five things to think about: 1. Do a financial audit – audit your own savings and income, assets, and liabilities. Have a back-up for account details, statements, and other financial paperwork stored online. If your spouse was the one who usually took responsibility for managing the finances, now is the time to get up to speed. 2. Monitor cash flow – having enough money to cover day-to-day expenses is important for immediate peace of mind. It might be a good idea to set up a

‘rainy day’ savings account to ensure your cash flow is covered, should any unexpected expenses surface. 3. Steer clear of debt – make sure you’re being disciplined with your spending and avoid building up a significant amount of personal debt through loans or credit card balances. Debt can soon add up if you’re not carefully monitoring your spending, so try to avoid it.

4. Check your will – review and update your insurance and super beneficiaries, and your estate plan to make sure your assets will pass to the right people.

5. Keep a healthy credit rating – outstanding bills or loan repayments can affect your credit score. Make sure you have your name only on bills and loans that you’re responsible for paying.