Women's Health

Jacqueline Rose Menopause Coach, Women's Hormonal Health Specialist, Yoga for Women's HealthCertified Instructor.

MAKING SENSE OF THE CONFLICTED MESSAGES

The Year of Yes The Beautiful No Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway The Power of a Positive No Say Yes

The book titles above are just a tiny example of the mixed messages women are being sold. It can be so confusing to know when to step out of your comfort zone and say yes to opportunities when to step into the fear and do it anyway when to step back when to respect your boundaries and your own needs and know when to say No.

And then we have the books that promote the theory that women CAN have it all! Why compromise? Why give up any part of your life if you are a strong, confident, and empowered woman you can (and should) do it all!

Sheryl Sandberg, the face of the Lean In movement, urged women to “lean in” to their careers, take risks and be ambitious in their professional goals, all the while demanding more help at home.

With Sheryl announcing her departure as COO of Facebook earlier this year, people delighted in “the proof” that her Lean, In theory, was not realistic and women needed to reassess their expectations. (https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/06/03/sherylsandberg-leaves-facebook-lean-in/)

And now the great Serena Williams has also decided that her priorities have changed as she “evolves away” from her tennis career. The 23 times Grand Slam winner and definite GOAT of this generation has said

“Believe me, I never wanted to have to choose between tennis and a family. I don’t think it’s fair. If I were a guy, I wouldn’t be writing this because I’d be out there playing and winning while my wife was doing the physical labor of expanding our family.

She continues in her Vogue article with brutal honesty:

“It’s the hardest thing that I could ever imagine. I hate it. I hate that I have to be at this crossroads. I keep saying to myself, I wish it could be easy for me, but it’s not. I’m torn: I don’t want it to be over, but at the same time I’m ready for what’s next.

(https://www.vogue.com/article/serena-williamsretirement-in-her-own-words)

Reading all of this it’s easy to understand why a woman in the 21st Century could be totally confused about how to live their most fulfilled and empowered life.

-Do I say Yes to everything and embrace every experience?

-Do I challenge myself and face my fears and move out of my comfort zone?

-Do I push myself to achieve professionally and compromise on other things in my life?

-When should I say No and honor and respect myself?

-Can I really “have it all”?

-Or Should I compromise and make space for others in my life?

-How do I live my best life in a meaningful way?

In short how do we know when to Lean In and say YES and When to Let it go and say NO. Or is it even possible to do both and still feel fulfilled and that you are able to devote your time and attention all everything equally?

I want to answer this question from both my personal experience and professional perspective as a Menopause Educator and Coach and Hormonal Health specialist.

In my 30s I lived my life according to the moto “If you need something done ask a busy person” … and I was the busy person!

I was having my kids (5 of them!) working and trying very hard to advance in my career, running around and showing up for my family and my community (how many times was I on the class parent committee!), and everything else that goes with being a working mother running a household and juggling all the balls. I was (and still am) very lucky to have a loyal and devoted husband to support and help me. But most of the family organization still fell to me.

It was intense but thrilling. It was energizing but stressful. I didn’t know any better. That’s just what it meant to be a working mother. And then things changed.

Baby #5 Illness of a child Re-evaluating priorities Realizing that this juggling wasn’t working for me or my family. Realizing that I was stressed out, shouting too much, and not feeling in control the way I used to.

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It was a journey, a process of really listening to what was going on. Of paying attention to what my body and my spirit were telling me. The listening never stops!

I made some very conscious and intentional decisions.

I changed my working life. I immersed myself in the world of Yoga and then into the world of women’s health. I became an entrepreneur. I decided that I didn’t want to be dictated to by a boss. I wanted to make my own decisions about my work-life balance. I didn’t want to be running from work to collect my kids, stuck in traffic, stressed out about if I would make it to the school gates in time, and wondering how I was going to fit in errands, and after-school activities and prepare that all-important home-cooked healthy dinner.

All of this coincided with what I was learning about women’s health, our bodies, our hormonal cycles, significant stages of our life cycles, and how we navigate this all –with what assumptions, what tools, and the whats and whys of how we are making decisions.

And this is what I want to tell you:

Our brains and bodies are hormonally wired at different stages of our monthly cycle and at different stages of our life cycle.

Once we get this, everything else in our life makes sense!

Let’s start with Puberty – those crazy years of the early and mid-teenage hood. At this stage, our hormones are in flux as we begin our hormonal journey. It’s a rollercoaster of hormones, emotions, confusion, figuring out who you are, where you fit in and all the while trying to become an independent person. For anyone living with a teenage daughter, you know this is not an easy time. Decision-making in impaired and decisionmaking in usually irrational! And you can’t talk sense to them…. Because hormonally, emotionally, and biologically they are not wired to hear it!

After puberty, we enter our Fertility/Reproductive years. Whether you have a child during this time is less relevant. More relevant is the hormonal balance, stability, and predictability of your menstrual cycle (a big assumption these days for many). Your hormones are calling you to nurture and care for others. But you also have the energy, focus, mental capacity, and motivation to do and be everything. Your focus is external, creating, doing, and showing up everywhere.

Of course, these years can be disrupted by contraceptive use, pregnancy, infertility challenges, fertility treatment, stress, etc. But our body seems able to cope with it better and the “juggle” seems more manageable.

The problem is that usually, we push ourselves to the limits because we are not paying attention, there is too much noise and too many distractions and we end these fertility years hormonal and emotionally depleted.

Then we arrive at our early 40s and the unexpected peri-menopause years. All the stress, the unhealthy lifestyle, the juggling, and the overwhelm begin to catch up with us. Your hormones start to fluctuate again and become unpredictable. Your body starts to whisper to you. Your hormones want you to pay attention. And if you are paying attention, you will notice the changes. Physical, emotional, and cognitive. You are not able to function at the same level however much you try. You feel out of balance. Something is clearly changing but very often we try to ignore it, trying to live the same way we did in our earlier years. But your hormones keep forcing you to listen, pay attention, stop, and re-evaluate.

Finally, we reach menopause – the date of your last period and you enter the next official stage of your life cycle. Natural, dramatic, irreversible hormonal fluctuations abound. You have arrived at the bookend of puberty. You have closed the fertility years and now you are ready to embrace the new You that is emerging.

But this transition can be fraught with confusion, struggle, and frustration. Changing body, loss of identity, figuring out your new role in your family, making space for your needs against the backdrop of your family’s needs and their assumptions of what and who you used to be.

Your hormones are super unpredictable and so is your behavior. You need more time for yourself, more space, quiet, and freedom. You want to do what YOU want to do without the pressures and expectations.

And then we reach the final life cycle milestone – post-menopause. The time of life to stand up in joy, confidence, and wisdom. Without realizing it, you have become a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it. You have lived lifeexperience that you want to share. You have perspective about things. But more importantly, you have the energy, opportunities, and freedom to do it all. Your hormones are not calling the shots anymore, they have arrived at a new hormonal level with a focus on giving to yourself rather than giving to others. You are more stable, balanced, in control, empowered, and happy to speak your truth.

Unsurprisingly each of these life stages and their associated hormonal states lead to different decisions, different focus, different thought processes, abilities and capabilities, energy, motivations, intentions, and possibilities.

The question about where your boundaries are, what work-life balance you choose, when you say a confident Yes, and when you will say a full-hearted NO are impacted by your stage of life and where you are in your hormonal cycle (monthly and life). The questions mentioned above are not single one-time questions that have a single consistent answer.

Assessing your boundaries, when to do something or not do something, needs to be a continual thoughtful, daily practice because the answer is not static - because you are not static.

The phrase that has consistently come up in all my years of Women’s Health training and study is that “The only thing constant in a woman’s life is change” .

If we begin to really understand and internalize this, then we understand that continual selfassessment, self-awareness, and self-analysis are critical to supporting our daily decisionmaking process and listening to what we really need.

It is only then that the answers to our biggest questions and challenging decisions become obvious.

Jacqueline Rose

www.theyogaroom120.com/

Dr. Elaine Mele PT, PYT, FNCP Physical Therapist Yoga Therapist Functional Nutrition Provider

WHY IS LASTING CHANGE SO ELUSIVE?

“Change begins at the end of your comfort zone” - Roy T. Bennett

We have all, at one time or another, set out with the best intentions to make positive changes in our life. New Year’s resolutions to get fit, eat better, and learn to meditate abound. We spend time dreaming, planning, and even mentally committing to this proposed change. However, how many times have we started and failed? How many times have we broken this promise to ourselves? We then stand back and watch ourselves deflate, feeling hopeless and defeated for not setting out to do what we had planned and hoped for, something that could have bettered our lives. How do we let that happen?

It can be perplexing and frustrating, even resulting in feelings of shame. In order to understand how we fail to initiate and maintain positive change in our lives, we must take a deep look at all the barriers within ourselves that can sprout up consciously or unconsciously to divert us off our path. There are likely influences that you may not have even considered, ones not so obvious yet still very powerful in affecting our behaviors and future success. In this article, I will discuss some barriers to change to help better understand why we are often unsuccessful in achieving our goals and then discuss some remedies to help minimize their effect.

How does this tie into Perimenopause you ask? Well, Perimenopause is a time when we experience great changes, some good, some not so good. I have spoken about this being a period of opportunity to take control of our health and well-being. While I speak of it and promote it, I know making a sustainable lifestyle change is HARD and it can be especially hard for women in this age group because, for one, we have not been encouraged by the media or frankly educated by the medical field to know that we can make changes that have a positive effect. We are also bombarded with messages (that’s you again, social media) that we are to expend most of our energy on caring for others, suggesting that we are being selfish for focusing our energy on ourselves. We must learn to see beyond the outside influences and come to terms with knowing we are in charge of our minds, bodies, and actions. We face challenges, for sure, but ultimately, no one else is responsible for our behavior but ourselves. If you are struggling to make a change I invite you to read ahead with an open and curious mind and see what comes up for you.

“Behavior is a product of social, physical and environmental challenges such as emotions, selfappraisals, beliefs about behavioral consequences and confidence in ability” -Albert Bandura 1997

Your Attitude

Your ability to enact a behavior change is directly related to your attitude about that change (ie) Is it very important? Will it make a significant difference? Is the work worth the payout? What do you perceive others' reactions towards you will be if you make that change? This can be both a positive or negative reaction.

Consider how important your wellness and your vitality are to you. There is no right or wrong answer, just maybe delve into the why…why is this change so important to you or why is it not so important? Be truthful and real with yourself.

What is your belief that you actually have the power and the right to make that change? This brings up issues of worthiness, self-esteem, and confidence. Heavy stuff… I know…but yet it is so important to explore where these beliefs came from.

Acknowledgment and awareness can perhaps make it not so heavy after all.

Your Circle

Research has shown that our social circle can have a significant impact (positive and negative) on all aspects of one's health including behavioral, psychosocial, and physiological. These impacts are cumulative and can affect us for a lifetime. There is even some research showing that your friends’ friends behavior can also have an effect on your health and happiness through what's called emotional contagion, the phenomenon that we can “catch '' the emotions of others just like a cold(1).

Will you be supported by those closest to you? How much support do you think you will receive... Just an “oh yeah that’s great, good luck with that” or is there someone for whom you could be accountable to? True support is someone who is going to lovingly call you out when needed and also show empathy when you slip up. Can you identify those in your circle who will be less than supportive? Those who have a hard time seeing you change or make improvements to your life. How do you feel about that scenario? Do you fear being judged or ostracized? The people who criticize your success in making a positive change are, by the way, most often projecting their own issues of unworthiness onto you. Don't let their projections stick to you.

Your Time Management Skills

We are ALL “too busy” . This is the unfortunate perceived reality of the modern world. However, we all have control over it. It starts with taking a hard look at the root source of our “busy-ness” and I don't mean the obvious responsibilities of work or parenting. Consider instead, what within you is drivi www ng th.e e lainemelebusyness .c? om elaine@elainemele.com

Is it a hard-wired expectation established in our formative years? Is it an act of distraction so we don't have to feel our feelings or accept certain realities? Is it a way to make you feel more worthy, more useful? Ladies, believe me, I have been ALL of these so, please know this is not meant to shame, it is only meant to encourage self-awareness and acceptance.

Your Readiness

I have brought up some heavy stuff in this list. Not everyone is ready to face some of these realities. Some will never be ready and that is OK. But it is important to consider why you may or may not be ready. Sometimes it is just fear of the unknown, fear of actually being successful, or fear of actually becoming the best version of yourself.

Tips to Institute Change that Sticks

Start with deciding what you want to change and exactly why Example: “I want to be in better shape” Follow that up with answering 2 or 3 more why questions:

Why? “Because I feel tired all the time”

Why? “Because I have been prioritizing my career or spending too much time on Netflix,

Facebook, etc reducing my free time to exercise”

Why? “Because it has been easier to stay distracted than to face the reality that my health is suffering.

Investigate your barriers

Consider some of the questions that came up in the list above. Let the questions percolate a little bit and then find some time when you can be still and undistracted to allow the answers to speak. You may want to journal about it, and speak to a trusted friend, family member, or professional to delve a little deeper.

Start small. Pick one or two achievable goals.

This may mean breaking a larger goal into smaller more achievable parts. Write the goal(s) down somewhere where you will see it often. Tell a few people about your goal(s) ( see #5). This will help make your goals “real” and provide accountability.

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Anticipate what roadblocks will come up and have a solution or workaround ready when they do.

Roadblock EX: When I get home from work I am often stressed so I immediately reach for a glass of wine, thwarting any chance of productive exercise.

Workaround ideas: Exercise before you go home, reach out instead for the phone and call a friend to go for a walk, don’t go into the room where the wine is kept instead go straight to a designated workout area.

You can come up with your own creative and personal ideas that work for you. The key is to expect opportunities for failure to present themselves, because they will, and to be armed and ready with your defense strategies.

Use a calendar and schedule your wellness “bites”

It doesn't have to be large swaths of time. You can set a timer to take 10 deep breaths, stand up and stretch or walk around the block. Again, start with small achievable goals and then build on your success.

Find someone who holds you accountable, an “accountabilibuddy”

I cannot take credit for this term (I actually think it came from the TV show, South Park, of all places!) but I like it. An accountabilibuddy is not just someone you reach out to when you need help or someone who just enables you. It is someone who can check in on you, (gently) point out when you are making excuses, and help problem-solve with you how to get back on track. If you have those people in your life, they are gold, consider yourself very lucky.

Reward yourself when you succeed, and be compassionate and not critical towards yourself when you miss.

The importance of this cannot be stressed enough. We are all human and we will all fail at some time or another. Failing is not an occasion to self-shame, self-criticize, or give up. It is a time to accept that we have weaknesses while also acknowledging that we have some power to make the right changes and move forward. Instituting a healthy reward system encourages you to celebrate your wins. When we reward ourselves positively we neurologically set ourselves up to seek an activity that fosters more reward. Win. Win.

I am here to help you along your wellness journey. I provide a space that is safe, supportive, and accountable. You can reach out to me at elaine@elainemele.com for a free 20-minute consultation to discuss your needs.

Disclaimer: the recommendations in this article are not intended to substitute for direct and individualized medical care. Please consult a trusted health care provider before making any significant changes to your diet.

References:

Dr. Elaine Mele

www.elainemele.com elaine@elainemele.com