Letters from Number 10

Lance Goodman January 2020

22nd August 2015

Dear United Kingdom,

Yesterday, George stood up in the House of Commons to deliver ‘my’ budget speech. I cannot tell you the joy it gave me to do so without that annoying little freckled oik from the Libs Dems, Danny Alexander I think his name was, hovering and farting in the background grinning like a cat who has just won the cream lottery. The first Tory budget for ages, well I say the first 'Tory' budget but I actually mean my budget, all mine, no one else's ...just me. I have to thank, of course, Tony for following on from the Sainted Margaret in not actually changing anything fundamental from Conservative policies in his own 'New Labour' budgets.

I delivered a speech to the nation yesterday to appeal to the Sun and Daily Mail reading, hard working families, although I admit they are a weird bunch who are a bit hard on poofters, darkies and the ecofeminists. Nonetheless without them we would not have a benchmark for bigotry, misogyny and ignorance. I blathered on a bit about the low tax, high wage, low welfare economy and nicked the phrase 'living wage' just to get few headlines of course. Yesterday's speech was for public consumption. However, today, I'd like to make it clear what my thinking is behind the budget speech.

First of all, let's deal with 'United Kingdom'. I know there is a long history of the Tory Party being a party of the 'Union', of all 4 countries. You and I know of course that is complete bollocks. Northern Ireland: well its not even a full country is it? The last useful thing that province did was to build the Titanic and look what happened, the bloody thing sank. Wales: they have their assembly what more do they want? Any economy based on sheep, singing and whinging frankly ought to be cut loose and drift off into the North Atlantic. Scotland: Look, you had your chance during the Scottish Enlightenment when the likes of Adam Smith raised you from the darkest mires of Celtic medievalism and clan envy. Now you've blown it asking for oil money and democracy. Just give us your whisky and we'll leave you to your whining, drinking and incest. Good God, it's like having three irritating, indigent neighbours always coming around asking to borrow a 'cup of sugar' to take back to their obese kids' porridge.