textual intercourse …everyone's doing it by Francesca Larkin

...everyone's doing it by Beob

Table of Contents 5 12 16 20 24 28 32 36 39 43 49 53 54 57 60 63 67 69 74 77 82 87 89 93 96 100 102 104 108 111 117 119 122 124 129 132 136 139

Introduction Current Affairs Pissed Up Texts Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got their number, now what? Flatmates Textual Chocolate Death & Tragedy Man Love Textcuses & Lies Bunny Boiler The Morning After Short & Sweet Factexts Missing Song Lyrics Health Matters Poetry (of sorts) Friendship Chain Texts Thumb Wrestling Dating Questions Love me texter. Love me do. Textual Healing Films TV Pet Names Public Transport Drugs Textual Intercourse Football Torment Heart Breakers Texercise Funny Texts Sorry Texts Favourites Christmas New Years Eve

Textual Intercourse …everyone's doing it Introduction I’m certainly not one of these people who pushes their chest out and proudly says, “Oh I can’t be arsed with texting, if I’ve got something to say then I’ll just ring ‘em!”, as if they should receive some sort of medal for being so utterly, uncreative. These people (usually men) have seriously missed the point if they think the only thing the text message is to be used for, is practical purposes. These very people could really benefit from discovering the joys of putting thumb to keypad and getting those pent up feelings out in the open airwaves. Their girlfriends would be chuffed. This is the thing that I love about text. We all find it hard to say the things that are closest to our hearts, especially us Brits, which is why letter writing has always been a great way to express your feelings. But writing a letter is an event in itself. With texting, your mobile becomes the pen and paper that you carry around all the time. It has suddenly become easy to pen down those things that you’ve been trying to say for years, in a few simple words. Of course it doesn’t always run as smoothly as that. The text phenonomen has opened up a whole other set of politics to deal with. After receiving about 15 blank text messages from my Mum the other day, I text her to ask why. She said it was because she was trying to put me at the top of her most texted list because something was going wrong with her phone and another man, that she never texts was at the top and she didn’t want her boyfriend to see. I didn’t even

know there was such a thing as “a most texted list”. My Dad is a whole different story. It has taken him 10 years to come round to the idea of predictive text and he still hasn’t figured out how to change “On” to “No” so instead writes “Negative”. Then the other day I received this message from him K.cumt. I’ve no idea what it was meant to say and was almost not the sort of message you want to receive from your Dad. My Dad’s all time greatest text has got to be, Grandma died at 7. Not even a kiss! Please don’t feel sad for me, it actually made me smile. It’s just my Dad’s style. My Dad’s phone once started doing something funny. It started randomly sending messages out of its sent box or maybe even its inbox, I have no idea; I’ve never had the stomach to bring it up. The first few I received were alright but still a bit too intimate for comfort, the next were pretty damn horrible to receive. Urghhh, it wasn’t a good day. That’s probably the worst thing about text messages; the whole texting the wrong person scenario. What about when you’re sending a really bitchy text message about someone and because you’re thinking about that person so much you end up actually sending the message to the person you’re bitching about? A colleague of mine has just fallen victim to this. Our boss was sacked and she was so happy she sent a text saying as much, and went and sent it to the boss. Oops! I’ve got to take this opportunity to mention Shane Warne, who is the class idiot of texting. Geez this guy loves to text! What is he doing? For anyone who hasn’t heard about the Australian

cricketer’s texting faux-pas’, I will explain. Married Shane Warne’s lust-induced text messages sent to a variety of women, have been regularly splashed across the papers. So much so that it was a total joke. Anyway, this culminated in the famous cricketer winning his appeal to his wife and convincing her to try again, despite her having seen the filth her husband had been texting other women. However, just to add a perfect tabloid-fairytale ending to it all, only 2 months after their reconciliation, the distracted bowler added a bit of a spin to the proceedings and sent a text to his wife that was meant for yet another woman. His wife then went on to publicly shame the “loser”. Hey beautiful, I’m just talking to my kids, the back door’s open.” She replied with “You loser, you sent the message to the wrong person.” It could have been worse, I suppose. He could have sent his wife one of his legendary, testosterone-fuelled messages yet somehow this is so much worse though. He’s texting from his family home whilst talking to his kids yet arranging his lover to slip in through the backdoor in order to pleasure his sticky wicket. This is probably the same door that his kids run out of everyday to play cricket in the garden, so they can be just like daddy; or the same door his wife goes to hang his over-used scruds, lovingly out to dry. Shane Warne is obviously just incapable of complying with the L.B.W rule; Love Before Willy.

Here are some of my favourite Warne texts; “I want to kick your puppy”. Kiss?

Pussy?

It was amazing? How good was our sex F***ing very hot! My turn to come please tell me how I should think of you! Sex fucking? Is this an Aussie phrase? Also, the lack of punctuation makes things very confusing. Really? Rain? What about i meet you somewhere in the open and you can be standing there in the rain i can come meet you in the rain and then X It is amazing to me that he hasn’t given up on the SMS altogether. Why hasn’t he realised that his love of text is landing him in hot crocodileinfused water? He seems to be somewhat addicted. The University of Queensland in Australia (perhaps in a desperate bid to understand the Nation’s hero’s idiocy) has found that text messaging is the most addictive digital service on mobile or internet, and is equivalent in addictiveness to cigarette smoking. The need to text has even got a name; "Reachability", which is the need to feel connected. If only Shane Warne had known that all he had to do to win his wife back, was to explain his “Reachability” issues! In January 2009, a teenage girl set a record high of 14,528 text messages in a one month period. That’s Warne’s kind of woman. Shane sounds like my kind of man though; he matches my enthusiasm for texting. It’s this enthusiasm that has driven me to spend the last year roaming the country, trying to get into the most intimate of places; The Inbox. I have explored various methods of convincing people to

release their phones to me, usually involving alcohol. I’ve stolen, pleaded, black-mailed and sold myself in part-exchange in order to get the best texts around, and all for your entertainment. I promise every single text message you will see is absolutely genuine, down to the punctuation and amount of kisses. So please enjoy reading in the knowledge of that. During this entertaining year of collecting texts, I’ve also had a good team of pals that have been on the look out for great texts and new texting trends. Whilst out drinking the other night, my friend told me about this new game that’s going around, called the “I love you” game. In this game, each participant takes out their phone and writes a text saying I love you. Everyone then passes their phone to the person on their left and without looking, the message is sent to a person at random. Can you imagine? Which genius/sicko came up with this game? So we decided to play the “I love you” game, only we changed it slightly. Instead, we text There’s always been something between us, don’t you think?. Now I’ve got to warn you, there’s something spooky going on with this game; the message always, always, always seems to get sent to the worst person it possibly could. Mine got sent to an old family friend. The only family friend I have in my phone. Horrible! Another participant sent it to his ex-girlfriend’s Mum. Certainly, not for the faint-hearted! The other week my boyfriend made the mistake of leaving his phone with his friends in the pub. When he got it back he found this message in his sent box; I want to bum dad. It was sent to his Mum.

It’s a dangerous game this text malarkey and the text-dating world is no exception. It really is a minefield. You think you have it all sorted and you know exactly what you’re doing and then wham, suddenly; silence, no beep,beep, no sodding reply. Just over a year ago, before I got with my boyfriend, I met this guy who I quite liked. We’d had a bit of flirt, lingering eye-contact and even did that thing where you purposefully brush your hand against one-another whilst talking to someone else; so I got his number off his mate. It burnt a hole in my phone all the following day but I knew I couldn’t text him straight away. Hey man, I’m no amateur! I did however spend all day geekily figuring out what I was going to write. I thought I was so bloody clever! Hi Aaron, just thought I’d let you know you left without taking your goody bag the other night, so I think you should come around and get it. Love Beob xx I mean it wasn’t a lie. He did leave without taking his goody bag, but then so did everyone else because I was too leathered to give them out. Waiting for a reply, I started to question myself; Did I have the right number? Did I imagine the hand-brushing thing? Was my cute, little impression of the Wizard of Oz munchkins not cute at all and in fact the most cringeable, embarrassing thing I could have ever done? The reply never came. Humiliating or what? My only chance of saving any dignity was not to give in to the temptation of sending a second text. NEVER SEND A SECOND TEXT. Well did I send a told you I was no though. My first wrong. Lazy work

second text? Of course not. I amateur. I have seen him since mistake was spelling his name Beob! He has also told me

since that he had never received such a suggestive text message and didn’t really know how to respond. I definitely misjudged the situation. Then again, if this really was the most suggestive text he’d ever received then he certainly wasn’t the one for me! I should have known when he got his guitar out for a sing-song. He probably rolls his own sushi. Oh no, that was someone else. My new text/dating rule is, ‘If in doubt, don’t text!’ It’s a goodie, take it on board. But it’s all in the name of fun, isn’t it? In fact my only criticism of text is that you get so many great texts that you can’t possibly keep them all. Maybe it was the desire to keep all my favourites in a collection that spurred me on to writing, oh wait sorry no, compiling this book. This book has a hundred different authors and that’s what’s great about text; everyone’s a writer, and I have them all to thank for letting me snoop through their most intimate messages. Incidentally, writing this book was a great excuse when I was caught, red-handed, going through my boyfriend’s inbox! Beob

Flatmates I would like to take this opportunity to thank one of the strong influences I had when putting together this book. Oonagh O’Hagan wrote and compiled “I lick my cheese, and other notes from the frontline of flatsharing” which gave me the confidence to move forward with my idea; although I wouldn’t dream of comparing my book to her truly original, brilliant idea. Her book is a collection of notes housemates have left each other over the years. If you haven’t read it, read it. It’s ace and extremely funny. There’s a key under the mat for whoever gets home first. Safe as fuck. I know this guy and he always says ‘safe as fuck’, so I don’t know whether he was being sarcastic, clever or what. I kinda don’t want to know either. I also like it because it sounds like a bit of challenge where the winner is whoever gets home first and gets the prize under the mat, and the loser has to sleep outside for the night. *********************************** This is a beads up. Just remembered. I didnt flush the loo. Was in a rush. Seats down though, but my apologies! Ha I love this. Even though it doesn’t make sense, the ‘beads up’ seems to fit the message perfectly. It gives you all sorts of images. Obviously the writer intended to give his flatmates a ‘heads up’, rather than remind them of the beads of sweat on his forehead as he was trying to force out his shit in such a rush that he forgot to flush the toilet. I also like the positive point of the message that the seat was

down, however I don’t understand how someone can remember to put the seat down but not flush. I also wonder if the receiver was tempted to have a quick look. *********************************** Hmmm not only did you fall into my bedroom door at 2 this morning, sending adrenalin pumping through my body, keeping me awake for hours but also forced me to wipe your chunks of sick not only off the toilet seat but also off my arse. Nice! Xx The unfortunate one also found out later that the towel she had used to dry herself with, after washing “the chunks” off her arse, had also been covered in sick. Nice! *********************************** Hi. We’ve had council tax, electric, phone and we’re due gas and water.it has been worked out comparatively but we’re moving end of xmas so there’ll be final ones from when you were here too.i’ll text you the total amount asap tho.that ok?x What a text message to get. What an evil way to ruin someone’s day. The good nature of the SMS shouldn’t be dirtied with such filth. Shame on you! That ok? No, of course it’s not ok. *********************************** Erghh just went in toilet after Darren and it smelt and there was bits floating that looked like onions. How’s your nice clean hotel? Xx That is, quite frankly, one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard.

PS get into bed with me when you get in. Your bedroom is in dire straights x Well! Never has getting your flatmate into your bed, been so easy.

My flatmate had hung his washing out to dry on the roof-garden but whilst it was drying someone had come and padlocked the door to the roof. He tried to go through the right channels to acquire his washing back but in the end his need for clean kegs was too strong. The key that came was the wrong one. So I kicked the fuckin door in. The roof remains our. X *********************************** Bat dead iron on! X It took me about 5 minutes to de-code this message but then I realised what was happening. The sender’s phone is about to lose battery, but she’s left the iron on at home. Have you ever tried to live without your mobile for any length of time? It’s a bloody nightmare. The amount of times I’ve had to go in a mobile shop to ask them if I can plug my phone in to give it some juice! *********************************** This is from the same naughty boys on page 36 who keep on texting each other while they’re on their separate toilets in their same flat. Apparently another game they like to play is 'hide the white thong', which mysteriously turned up on their balcony one day. This particular time, one of them had hid the mysterious thong in the other’s washing; washing which he then took home for his

Mum. It serves him right really for taking his washing home in the first place. You Big Baby! And yes my mum found the pants you fuck! ***********************************

Death and Tragedy Even death isn’t too big a subject for text. Sorry 2 miss u & quiz. Traumatic week. Roys sis in law died. Funeral sat in conway. Tinas boyfriend tim hit by car while walking along pavement. Other guy was hit & killed. We r on r way 2 n wales. Is ur bday this w/e? Be-Jesus! Would I be wrong in saying that it is only Mums that send these kind of messages? I mean, this isn’t my Mum but I can imagine her sending it. I’m sure in this situation I would ring about such tragedy. It’s like they need to get everything in one text because they’re so busy, so they condense everything into a few sentences but the result is one intense, impacting text. Now I don’t know it for a fact but I’m willing to bet my life that this next text is also from a Mum. *********************************** Ben died of heart attack due to clogged arteries. Just so you know, funeral on Tuesday am. Hope you’re having some fun. xx Well I was before getting this text. *********************************** Grandma died at 7 ***********************************

I’ve finally opened you card, and your right. I did shed a tear. Thank you for those kind words. I’m coming back to Leeds today but so scared of leaving the energy that mum has left in the house. Hope I see you soon Beet. Your are a great friend x x My friend has recently just lost his Mum and this was a message sent from him. It was obviously a very difficult time for him and he received many messages of sympathy which really helped him through. We all know there is nothing to really say when someone is grieving and so just passing on our sympathy and letting them know you are there to talk is all you can really do. However there are phrases that you should perhaps avoid and my friend’s cousin might just have found such a phrase, when he e-mailed to give his sympathies; “Bad luck about your Mum”.

Bad Luck?

*********************************** This next one is hard. I have been told but have no personal experience of it, that when a parent dies it is really common for the siblings to argue and this is precisely what is happening in this next collection I have. I considered not putting it in because it is obviously something that is so personal. All I can say is that I can only imagine the pain of losing a parent and I think you can be forgiven anything when coping with such pain. Thanks but there’s no need for u to come up that wknd. We’re be back 14th Feb and here with dad. After last wknd I think you’re better off taking time off coming til u got all stresses ur end sorted out. You could do without worrying about

coming up to help for a while. But thanks for the offer Reply…. If u dont want the help that’s fine but I’ll stil b coming 2 c dad anyway once a month. Reply… That’s totally fine. But the idea was to give u a break from having to worry about it all. I didn’t feel u enjoyed being here at all this wknd Reply… Your rite, I don’t enjoy coming there anymore. I find it very sad and depressing and hav dun 4 a long time, not just since mum died, although much worse since she has obviously. I would visit 2 c dad though no matter how much I disliked going. Its never been a case of going cause I enjoy it Reply… That’s quite evident that u feel that way. Its not nice that u bring all that negative energy here. It effects everyone here. And not for the best Reply… Ur very lucky if u dont feel that way, dads stroke and mums death hav torn me apart and house is just a v sad reminder of the past. Reply… Im shocked n upset that you think that mums death has no impact on my life. All I was trying to say was it would b nice if we all could b a little

more supportive and positive when been surprised u can’t see it otherwise. Ps last wknd that I’d sooner u call me to whats on ur mind aposed to texting me. I say seems to be misunderstood

here. Im Ive told u chat about Everything

Reply… I hav just reread message I sent u 2 try 2 understand how u misread it, I didnt mean atall that mums death n dads stoke hadnt had an impact on u ofcourse it has, but unlike me it dosnt upset u 2 be there that’s all. I didn’t call 2 say this as I think we all need to calm down. In future I will ring rather than txt as words do get misread,p.s sorry I hung up tx

Man Love Ever wondered what men are texting each other. Here’s a little insight into their dirty, little world. By the way, these were not easy to get, so please feel privileged. Lots of gash out I nearly didn’t include this, but I thought it was just too disgusting and outrageous to be left out. Actually I’m lying, I just thought I should pretend to be outraged as a woman but it’s too funny. However you should be ashamed of yourself, but I know you’re not. This wasn’t given to me but my best friend’s hawk eyes saw it over a shoulder of a friend. Scandalous! The purpose of the text was to get the receiver to go out on the lash. And it worked as well. He left the party after about 15 minutes of getting this text. Must have been the promise of all that gash! Ha I don’t know if this will be funny to you but my spell check wanted to change that last sentence to the promise of that entire gash. *********************************** Love you you big fucking tit xxxx Rule 69 in Male to Male conduct: A declaration of love between two heterosexual men must always coincide with a derogatory term of phrase, in order to reaffirm masculinity. *********************************** These are the two boys from page 27 and have got into the habit of going for a shit at the same time as each other. Presumably these are sent

from the toilet seat. Despite the disgusting images that these conjure, I can’t help but applaud their writing skills. Despite not commencing nor coinciding their departure from the same starting line, I feel that both of our deposits will soon meet on their travels, as the forceful and viscous waters from colon to sea batter and bruise the multiple companions as the quest for the retrieval of the golden duck begins… Reply… Yet again, like the brave warriors of old, jack and ben combine colonic forces in the ongoing war with the armitage shanks warlords. While previous battles have been fought, won and lost, the war continues. However, tonight spells the end to water closet domination as a combined arsenal of jerk chicken and the sweetcorn holocaust is unleashed upon white fortresses. Goodbye noble soldier. *********************************** Where the hell did you go? Come back I feel naked without you. You see boys do love as deeply as we do; it’s just that they’re shallow bastards when it comes to us. *********************************** I like this message because it’s really honest and straight forward. There’s no pretence or ego. It’s nice to see to such unabashed love between two boys. It’s lovely!

-Hey buddy how r u?whats happening in ur life? Dont hear from u anymore.Why? please stay in touch manny miss u here bro. Email me or something.Hope 2hear frm u soon

textual intercourse ...everyone's doing it ‘Cool, me and Daniel can watch porn and shag in the front room now’. Whether it’s to plan our love life, skive off work or say those things that we just can’t say face to face, we’re all doing it. Texting has become a way of life for us all, with millions of texts being sent each day. Writer and text enthusiast, Beob has got her hands on some of the nations best texts, ranging from up-close and personal to the down-right dirty, and all compiled in a book for your enjoyment. Textual Intercourse is a celebration of all things text and aims to get to the bottom of what we are so thumb-happy about. Beob also touches on text politics, divulging her embarrassing text-dating tales, giving her opinion on bunny-boiler texters and admitting the real reason for writing the book; an excuse to snoop through her boyfriend’s inbox. Whether you’re young or old this fascinating insight into the nation's inbox, will have you hooked and will make you look at your own inbox in a whole new light. www.textualintercourse.co.uk