ellenor Hospice Bereavement Booklet by bereavementadvice

Information and Support for the bereaved Following the loss of your loved one

Contact Details: ellenor Hospice Coldharbour Road Northfleet Gravesend Kent DA11 7HQ Tel: 01474 320007 Email: TELH.Clinical-Admin@nhs.net

What is bereavement? Bereavement is the experience of losing someone important to us through death. Although the words ‘grief’ and ‘bereavement’ are often used interchangeably, ‘grief’ describes the different emotional and psychological reactions we may feel in response to any loss, not only limited to loss by way of death. Grief encompasses the process and the range of emotions we go through as we gradually adjust to the loss. Remember, grieving is a normal and natural process. It may involve you needing to express your deepest feelings. It may also help you to eventually come to live with the reality that your relative, loved one, friend, or someone you knew has died. It could help you to find ways to adapt to your changed circumstances and life. Grief is sometimes described as a journey. There are some feelings that are frequently experienced by many people who are bereaved, although not everyone experiences all of them. Grieving can take many different forms and there is no time limit on grief, nor is there a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve. Some people experience deep emotions, and others work through their grief in more practical ways. You may experience all or some of the following: • • • • •

Shock, disbelief and denial Sadness and depression Anger and guilt Acceptance Relief

Bereavement support at ellenor Our Family Support Team are here to offer emotional and psychological support to you and your family, whether through face-to-face meetings or supportive phone-calls to talk through anything which may be troubling you. They can also help to point you in the direction of other services which may be able to assist you. We also offer a range of different groups which can help people to meet others who may be experiencing similar emotions, including our: • • •

Carer’s Cuppa Bereavement Cuppa Walk & Talk Group

Our Counselling Service enables you to access 12 sessions of bereavement counselling, completely free of charge. These sessions may take place face-to-face, via telephone or via a remote video-call. Counselling enables people to explore and express difficult thoughts, feelings and experiences, in order to process them and find ways of coping and managing. It is your safe space to explore what is important to you. Our Family Support Service differs from our Counselling Service in that you can call in to speak to one of our Family Support Workers outside of predetermined appointment times. You can also agree between you the frequency of the contact you feel you need on a regular basis. Counselling, on the other hand, involves scheduled appointments which take place on the same day and same time each week for 12 weeks, with your allocated counsellor. We also offer support to children by way of Creative Therapies including Play Therapy, Music Therapy and Art Therapy for children predominantly aged 4-12 years, although we can offer these services to all ages, and adults often find them greatly beneficial. Creative therapies bridge the gap where words falter, offering solace and support when traditional counselling might not suffice.

Living with Grief Grief relates to five life areas that we all live in, to one degree or another: • • •

Emotional Physical Mental/Cognitive

• •

Social Spiritual

Emotional responses can include: Sadness, anger, guilt and relief. Physical reponses can include: Fatigue, headaches, change in appetite and disturbed sleep patterns. Mental/Cognitive responses can include: Memory loss, poor concentration and indecision. Social responses can include: Feeling withdrawn, loneliness and difficulty mixing with others. Spiritual responses can include: Loss of faith and being unable to ‘make sense’ of things. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms and you feel they are worsening, becoming more persistent or impacting on your day-to-day life, we would advise that you speak with your GP to explore additional support they may be able to offer you. As time goes on, your experience of grief may change. Grief may come over you in waves, with some days feeling better than others. There are no timescales to grief. Don’t be rushed by the expectations of others. There are no rules. Do try to look after yourself. Try spending a little time with others. Do talk about the person who has died to people who understand. 4

Below are some examples of advice that people who have accessed our Counselling Service previously have wanted us to share with you, to help you in making your decision on whether or not to access the service. For people who aren’t always used to talking openly about their thoughts and feelings, counselling can feel daunting. Many people who have accessed the service were originally sceptical about how it might help, but in the end, found it invaluable and in some ways, life-changing. We asked them the question: “What advice would you give to other people who might access the counselling service, if any?” and they replied: “I would tell them how much it helped me and not to look on it as a shameful thing to accept.” “To achieve the best outcome from counselling one has to approach the process with an open and receptive mind and seek to build a bond of trust and understanding with your counsellor.” “Trusting the ellenor to find the right counsellor to match your needs was the most important part for me and from session 1, I felt I could express my true feelings without fear of judgement.” “Don’t hesitate to accept counselling. You may think you are ok, but once the counselling starts, you will find a weight lifting off your shoulders and you will gain a sense of your own well being.” “In the beginning it will feel like nothing will help, and no one will understand. Take it slow, a pace that feels comfortable and you’ll find as you go about your journey it will get better.”

“Speak out to someone, whether that’s your parents, friends etc. Never think it’s silly to feel the way you do. If you hold all your emotions in and never speak about them, they will only double or triple in strength and do more damage.” “Go into this with an open mind and most importantly be honest. Honest with your counsellor and honest with your self. Once you can do that things will and do get better.” “Give it a try, it may be hard to share personal stuff at first but matched with the right person you will benefit in so many ways.” “It is nice knowing that you can talk, cry, laugh or work through your feelings freely and without judgement. I am so glad I was offered the counselling because, even though I wasn’t sure what to expect at first or even if I would benefit from it, I feel as though it has been extremely helpful and I am so glad this service is here to help people.” “Do not feel that you should be able to manage bereavement on your own. Don’t feel that you are weak. It takes strength to seek support and it’s there for you. Don’t hold back, you are not judged, they are there as your support network. You are not alone.” “To persevere with them through to the end as it gets easier to accept things and really helps to talk to someone else.” “There are other people going through similar experiences to you and counselling helps you understand why you feel the way you do.”

“Do not hold back. The therapy room is a safe space to allow you to speak freely and honestly about whatever you need to.” “You are not alone. You are not weak. You are important.” “I would strongly recommend others to use your counselling service. I didn’t think I would need help but when I realised that I did, I was so pleased to receive the offer from ellenor. Your counselling has helped me to cope.” “I was put forward by my sister. I would have never sought counselling for myself as I always perceived it to be too self indulgent, and didn’t see the point in dwelling on the past. My attitude was “it couldn’t change anything so what’s the point?”. However, I soon realised without these sessions, these feelings would have spilt out into my everyday life. If things started to get to much, and I felt myself getting upset or angry I would say to myself “save it until my session” which allowed me to have a safe space to get things off my chest without negatively effecting those around me. I’m sure there are lot of people who have the same prejudgement about counselling I did. My advice is to give it a go, it’s could be the safety valve that you need.”

Grief is experienced differently by everyone, although common themes are often shared within different experiences of grief. Below are two different models which seek to explain what different thoughts and feelings may be experienced by a person who is grieving, at different stages of their grieving process. Stages of grief - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

The Tonkins model

Growing Around Grief PEOPLE THINK THAT GRIEF

SLOWLY GETS SMALLER

IN REALITY, GRIEF STAYS

THE SAME SIZE

WITH

BUT SLOWLY LIFE BEGINS

TIME

TO GROW BIGGER AROUND IT

Practical Arrangements following a death If a person close to you has died as an inpatient in the Hospice, one of our doctors will write a medical summary and this will be sent to the medical examiner. Once they have reviewed this and emailed us back confirming they are happy with this summary, our doctor will complete a medical certificate and email it to the registrars office. The persons’ next of kin will then receive a phone call from us infoming them of this. The ward team will contact you (next of kin) to arrange a bereavement tea at which you can collect any personal belongings. If you are present on the ward at the time of death one of the team will give you a card with details about the bereavement tea. Occasionally, there may be an unavoidable delay in the issuing of the medical certificate of cause of death. Sometimes, for legal reasons, the death has to be reported to the Coroner. The Hospice staff will advise you and keep you informed if this has to happen. Following a death at home with Hospice@Home involvement If the person close to you has died at home, you will need to contact the GP and then you will be guided through what to do next.

How to register a death The death must be registered within five working days. You will need to make an appointment with Kent County Council Registration Office. Some people appreciate the support of a friend or relative. There is no charge to register a death unless a certified copy of the death certificate is purchased. You may need several copies for banks, building societies, solicitors and other official institutions that require proof that death has occurred. You can register the death if you are: • • •

A relative of the person who has died Not related to the person who has died, but you were present at their death The person instructing the funeral director

There are many Register Offices in Kent and you will be advised of their opening hours when making the appointment. There is an out of hours service to meet cultural and faith needs for an immediate funeral. It operates on an appointment only basis. Telephone 03000 415151 or visit www.kent.gov.uk Please only make an appointment once we have confirmed the medical certificate has been sent to the registrars office.

When you speak to the Register Office It would be helpful to have the following information to hand. Do not worry if not all the documents are available: • • • • • • •

Birth certificate of the person who has died Driving licence Council Tax bill Marriage or civil partnership certificate NHS medical card Passport Proof of address (e.g. utility bill)

The Registrar will ask about • • • • • •

The date and place of death The full name of the person who has died and any previous names Their date and place of birth Their home address Their last occupation and whether they were retired The full name, date of birth and occupation of surviving or late spouse or civil partner

The Registrar will register the death and give you a Certificate for Burial or Cremation (or ‘green form’) to give to the funeral director, and a Certificate of Registration of Death (form BD8).

‘Tell Us Once’ service When someone has died there are lots of things that need to be done, at a time when you probably least feel like doing them. One of these is contacting government departments and local council services that need to be told. The Register Office may provide a service called ‘Tell Us Once’. If so, they will give you a unique reference code, as well as instruction on how to use it and who will be informed. You can use this service to tell the following organisations about the death: Local councils: • Housing Benefit Office • Council Tax Benefit/Support Office • Council Tax • Collection of payment for council services • Electoral Services • Blue Badges • Adult Services • Children’s Services • Council Housing Department for Work and Pensions: • Pension, Disability and Carers Service • Jobcentre Plus • Overseas Health Team HM Revenue & Customs: • Child Benefit • Tax Credits • Personal Taxation Identity and Passport Service: • To cancel a passport 12

Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency: • To cancel a driving licence War Pensions Scheme: • To cancel a war pension You will still need to contact these organisations to make any claims but you will not need to send them the death certificate. Information you will need to use the ‘Tell us Once’ service: To make sure the right information is given to any organisations that the Registrar contacts for you, and so that you get the most out of this service, it will help if you can bring along with you the following information about the person who has died: • • • • • • •

Their National Insurance number and date of birth Their driving licence or driving licence number Their passport or passport number Name and address of next of kin Name address and contact details of the person or company dealing with their estate Details of any benefits or services they were receiving, e.g. Pension Details of any local council services they were receiving, e.g. Blue Badge

Arranging a funeral A funeral can be an important event to bring family and friends together, to celebrate and to share memories. It is usual to contact a funeral director soon after the death or once the death has been registered. You can contact them 24 hours a day, including weekends. Most funeral directors belong to their National Association, which has regulations and standards that must be followed. Other funeral directors may not be, however all should be insured and follow codes of good practice. More information can be found online at: www.gov.uk/after-a-death If you use a funeral director you will need to give them the Certificate for Burial or Cremation (‘green form’) from the Register Office. They will discuss your wishes and can make all the arrangements for the funeral and burial or cremation, according to your own particular philosophy, faith and beliefs. If you have a minister or faith leader of your own, you may prefer to contact them yourself. There are a growing number of funeral celebrants as an alternative to a minister of religion or faith leader, should you require this. Alongside a range of funeral celebrants, there are also Humanist celebrants who are not religious and do not hold beliefs about an afterlife. There can be a bewildering array of choices to explore, but a funeral director will usually be able to recommend a minister of religion, Humanist, or one of the many other civil celebrants with varying backgrounds, who will provide a ceremony to suit your needs. The British Humanist Association offers advice on non-religious ceremonies and the Registrars may be able to provide a civil funeral. 14

If you do not wish to use a funeral director you can contact the Cemeteries and Crematorium Department of the Council to arrange a funeral yourself. In planning the funeral service, it is important to honour the wishes of the person who has died where possible, as well as thinking of your own feelings and those of others. The person who arranges the funeral is usually responsible for meeting the costs. These can be met from the estate of the person who has died or any funeral scheme they may have subscribed to. Funerals can be expensive and although basic costs tend to be similar, the final cost can vary considerably. Do not be afraid to mention your budget or obtain estimates from several funeral directors. Financial help may be available if you receive certain benefits. Contact the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) before making any arrangements.

Bereavement benefits You may be eligible for some bereavement benefits, depending on your circumstances. Further information is available from the DWP online at www.gov.uk. Probate and legal advice If you have difficulty in dealing with the property of the person who has died, or with matters such as the guardianship of their children, it is advisable to get advice from a solicitor or the Citizens Advice Bureau as soon as possible. If there is no Will, speaking with a solicitor may be helpful. Some solicitors are prepared to offer up to half an hour of legal advice free. Further information is available at: www.gov.uk/wills-probate-inheritance/if-theres-a-will www.gov.uk/wills-probate-inheritance/if-theres-not-a-will www.citizensadvice.org.uk

Who needs to be told about the death? You will probably want to let the family, friends, and neighbours know of the death right away. If the person who died was living alone, you may need to ensure that their home is secure and remove all signs that indicate that the house is empty. You may wish to collect spare keys from other relatives, friends and neighbours. You may also wish to inform the following: Priest, Vicar, Minister of Religion or Faith Leader Library Service Inland Revenue Family Doctor Department of Work and Pensions (pensions, benefits etc) Residential or Nursing Home Landlord or Housing Department Council Tax office Bank, Giro, Credit Cards, Building Society Social Services (home helps, home care) Electricity, Gas, Telephone, Water Companies Schools, College or University attended Post Office (redirect mail) 17

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Place of work Driving Licence Centre (D.V.L.A.) Careline/Warden Call Executors of the Estate (Will) Cancel any appointments Solicitor Arrange the return of any equipment Insurance Companies

Stopping Junk Mail to the recently deceased If someone you know has died, the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them can be greatly reduced which helps to stop painful daily reminders. By registering with the free service www.stopmail.co.uk, the names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks. If you cannot access the internet, you can call 0808 168 9607, where you will be asked for very simple information that will take only a few minutes to complete. Alternatively, ask the bereavement team for a leaflet that can be returned in the post. This free of charge service provided by the Bereavement Support Network will actively reduce the unwanted marketing mail but also can help reduce the likelihood of identity theft following the death of someone close. The information is not used for any other purpose and you only have to complete this once. Additionally to Stop Mail, a comparable service can also be accessed from the Bereavement Register or Deceased Preference Service if you would prefer to use them.

The Funeral You do not have to use a Funeral Director, but most people are reassured by the wealth of experience that they have. The organising of a funeral can be done as soon after death as you feel comfortable. The deceased may have left instructions regarding their wishes for the funeral arrangements; you do not need to wait until you have registered the death before contacting a Funeral Director. However, do not feel you have to rush, take time to think about what you want. You may wish to approach more than one Funeral Director to get an estimate of their costs before making your choice; you will find that your chosen Funeral Director will be able to guide you in every detail in making the funeral arrangements. The Hospice will be able to advise you of names of Funeral Directors in your area (and many have advertisements in the bereavement leaflet) if required, but they are not allowed to make any personal recommendation as this is against our policy. Your chosen Funeral Director will be able to act on your behalf with regard to collecting the body and any necessary documentation. If you do not wish to use a Funeral Director you might find the following website useful: www.naturaldeath.org.uk

ellenor Hospice Bereavement Booklet Review date: December 2025 Print date: December 2023 21

The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services offering their help at this time. Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.

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,�port network stopping mail

STOPPING JUNK MAIL It is distressing to deal with a bereavement and unsolicited mail can be

insensitive and destructive during a grieving process.

By scanning the below QR code on your phone or visiting

www.stopmail.co.uk, we are able to securely share this information

with mailing organisations and under the Data Protection Act the information will not be used for any other purpose.

Other benefits reduce the possibility of identity fraud, such as assumed

identity and you will only have to supply the information once.

A trading style of Turnside Marketing Ltd

This publication has been jointly developed between ourselves and the hospice. We hope that it has been or will be of help at this time and we welcome any comments or suggestions that you may have. Please contact us either by phone, email or by post. RNS Publications, Trium House, Unit 15, Broughton Way, Whitehills, Blackpool FY4 5QN

01253 832400 enquiries@rns.co.uk

Do you need help with

Probate Matters? You may need help, support or advice on what to do when someone dies in relation to probate.

Freephone: 0808 168 5181 Mobiles: 0333 240 0360 We offer free guidance and advice on the legal and financial aspects of bereavement including your responsibilities and whether probate is required. Calls are free from most land lines, some calls may be monitored for training purposes and all calls are confidential. This service is provided by the Bereavement Support Network Ltd.