Mountbatten Hospice, Hampshire

Your Mountbatten

A bereavement guide

The employees and volunteers at Mountbatten Hospice would like to offer their sympathy and support in your bereavement.

The death of someone close can cause deep personal sadness and distress. Grief is a very individual experience. Decisions and arrangements must be made at a time when you may be experiencing difficult and confusing thoughts and emotions.

This booklet aims to help you through the first few days and weeks of your bereavement.

Practical matters

What happens immediately after your loved one dies?

All deaths, wherever they occur, have to be reported by the doctor to the local Medical Examiner. The Medical Examiner discusses and reviews the cause of death before the doctor can complete the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death.

If your loved one dies at the hospice

Mountbatten will report the death to the Medical Examiner the next working day.

A doctor based at Mountbatten will complete the medical certificate, which is then sent electronically to the Medical Examiner. The Medical Examiner then phones the next of kin to discuss the medical certificate and the person’s experience.

Once this discussion has happened, the Medical Examiner electronically sends the medical certificate to the Registry Office.

Some deaths need to be reported to the Coroner. This will be done by a doctor at Mountbatten. The Coroner may call the next of kin. Once the Coroner has reviewed the information, they notify the doctors at Mountbatten. The doctors are usually able to then issue the medical certificate. Because of additional time needed by the Coroner, this delays the issuing of the medical certificate.

If the cause of death is unclear, it may need to go to an inquest. In this case, the Coroner will decide if a post-mortem is needed, and issue the medical certificate after the inquest. In other cases, reporting to the coroner is a legal requirement. When the cause of death is mesothelioma, a post-mortem is not usually necessary. The coroner will usually issue an interim death certificate to enable the funeral to go ahead.

The coroner will hold an inquest and issue the full medical certificate after this. This may take a few months.

We will ask you which funeral director you will be using and whether you plan for a burial or cremation. The doctor will also complete cremation paperwork if needed and send this to the funeral director.

Any personal belongings left in the hospice will be stored for one month. If they are not collected after this time, they will donated to our charity shops.

If your loved one dies at home

The Medical Examiner service is being gradually introduced to GP practices across Hampshire. If the person dies at home, the next of kin may be phoned by the Medical Examiner. The GP completes the medical certificate. The GP may need to contact the Coroner (see above section).

You can contact your local GP surgery, if the death occurs during surgery opening times, which is usually between 8am and 6.30pm.

Please contact the Mountbatten Hospice at Home Service 24/7 if the death occurs outside GP surgery opening times.

Registering the death

Because of the processes that need to be followed, it is advisable to wait at least two working days following a death before booking an appointment to register the death.

If your loved one dies at home and you have a central Southampton postcode, up to SO19, you need to register the death at the Southampton Register Office (see details on page 6).

If your postcode is anything from SO20, then you register the death at the Hampshire Register Office, which has offices in Winchester, Eastleigh and Romsey (see page 6).

If your loved one dies at Mountbatten Hospice, you should also register the death with Hampshire Register Office, regardless of where you live.

Once the medical certificate has been completed by the Doctor, we will email it to Winchester Registry Office.

The appointment will be in person.

During the registration appointment the registrar will explain how to order death certificates. Once ordered, the death certificates will then be sent to the family in the post.

Your chosen funeral director will receive a scanned copy of the green form they require from the registrar after the appointment; the registrar will then post the funeral director the hard copy.

Who can register the death?

The person registering the death is called ‘the informant’. Only certain people can fulfil this duty:

• A relative of the deceased

• A person who was present at the time of death

• A person who will be arranging the funeral (this does not include the funeral directors)

• The senior official of the care home/hospital where the death took place

• Should the person who has died be an overseas citizen, their embassy must be notified as soon as possible.

What you will need to register the death

• The Medical Certificate of Cause of Death will be emailed by Mountbatten to the registrar.

• The NHS number of deceased

• One form of identification for yourself (the informant) e.g. driving licence, passport, birth certificate, council tax or utility bill.

It is also helpful to take the deceased’s

• Passport

• All marriage/civil partnership certificates

• Birth certificate

• Change of name deed

• Driving licence

• NHS Medical card

• Blue Badge

The registrar will then give you:

• A Death Certificate – This is a certified copy of the death entry in the register and is provided at a cost of around £12. It is advisable to purchase additional copies of the Death Certificate as they will be needed by the deceased’s bank, building society, insurers etc. We normally recommend around six certificates, depending on the number of institutions to be informed as photocopies cannot be used. Extra copies can also be ordered from the Registration Service at any time in the future.

• Certificate for burial or cremation – often called the ‘green form’. This is normally passed to the funeral director by the registrar but can sometimes be sent to you instead. This form is required by the burial authority or crematorium before the funeral can take place. The form is free of charge.

• Certificate of Registration of Death (form BD8) – often called the ‘white form’. This may need to be completed and returned to the office from which any pension or benefit has been issued or to the local Jobcentre Plus office. This form is free of charge.

Tell us once

Tell Us Once is a service that reports a death to most government organisations in one go. The Registrar will explain the Tell Us Once service when you register the death. They will do the Tell Us Once service for you and give you a unique reference number. This reference number will be sent to you by email or put in with the certificates.

The departments contacted in one go include:

• Local services such as electoral services, housing benefit and council tax services

• HM Passport Office

• The Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA)

• The Department for Work and Pensions

• HMRC for tax purposes

• The Blue Badge Scheme

You can find more about Tell Us Once on the www.gov.uk website.

Contact details of our local Register Offices:

You will need to make an appointment to register

either by phone or online.

Southampton Register Office (for postcodes up to SO19)

Golden Jubilee Room, 6A Bugle Street, Southampton SO14 2LX

Telephone: 023 8091 5327

Opening times are as follows:

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday 09.00-16.30

Tuesday 10.00-16.30

Friday 09.00-16.00

southampton.gov.uk/births-deathsceremonies/registrations-andcertificates/register-a-death

Hampshire Register Office

(Eastleigh, Romsey, Winchester) (for postcodes from SO20)

Eastleigh Office

First Floor Library, The Swan Centre, Eastleigh SO50 5SF

Telephone: 0300 555 1392

Opening times are as follows: Monday - Friday 8:30-17.00 registrars.hants.gov.uk/ deaths/

How to get to Mountbatten Hospice

Mountbatten Hampshire

Botley Road

West End

Southampton SO30 3JB

a death,

Romsey Office

Station Road, Romsey SO51 8DN

Telephone: 0300 555 1392

Opening times are as follows:

Monday - Friday 8:30-17.00 registrars.hants.gov.uk/deaths/

Winchester Office

6 Castle Hill, High Street, Winchester SO23 8UH

Telephone: 0300 555 1392

Opening times are as follows:

Monday - Friday 8:30-17.00 registrars.hants.gov.uk/deaths/

Arranging a funeral

A funeral is an opportunity to reflect on the life of the person who has died and say goodbye in a way that is right for them, their family and friends.

Before making plans, it is advisable to check whether the deceased left any specific instructions or wishes. Also, if any funeral arrangements were made and paid for in advance. However, you or your loved one may have chosen not to have a funeral.

Some people prefer to arrange the funeral, burial or cremation without the use of the services of a funeral director. These are known as independent or family-organised funerals. This can only be achieved if the person arranging the funeral can provide the following for the processes involved:

• Documentation for application for cremation or burial

• Required specifications for the type of coffin chosen

• Inscription on the coffin lid for identification

• Provision of others to perform duties i.e. Celebrant, Pallbearing

• Need to use the services of a funeral director to care for the body as most cremations take place 10-14 days after the death

• Awareness that the cremation authority is unable to assist with planning family-organised funerals but may be able to provide advice.

Things to think about

Do you want to spend time with your loved one at the funeral directors’ chapel of rest, or perhaps bring them home before the funeral? Is the coffin to be open or closed? This may affect decisions about how the body is cared for.

What style of funeral is required – traditional religious, a civil funeral (which may include some religious elements) or a funeral with no religious content? Do you want a private burial or cremation followed by a thanksgiving/memorial event. Or you may wish to have no service at all.

The major decision is whether to have a burial or cremation if this is not predetermined by your religion, culture or the expressed wishes of the deceased. This will help you decide where the funeral is to take place.

The style of funeral will influence the content. You may like to include a photo display, video tribute, music and readings. Think about who to ask to give the readings. You may want to note here any specific anecdotes about the person that you would like included in any tribute (sometimes called the eulogy):

What are your preferences?

There is a wide range available made from solid or veneered wood, wicker, laminated cardboard or woollen felt.

Do you want a funeral cortege (e.g. the hearse and any following cars) to leave from a family home or will people assemble at the place of the ceremony?

Consider whether to choose people to be pallbearers. The funeral director will provide this service if preferred. Most funerals include a gathering of mourners after the ceremony with refreshments served. The venue might be your own home, a church hall, pub or a more formal venue such as a hotel.

Think about your budget and how many people may attend. Legally, most of the expenses connected with the funeral can be claimed from the money left by the deceased. However, a gathering of mourners is not considered an essential funeral cost.

Many mourners appreciate guidance about: What to wear. Traditionally this was always black. Except for very formal funerals, grey, navy and other sombre colours are generally acceptable. Some families request that mourners wear a brighter or specific colour.

Any specific funeral customs or rituals. In respect of the deceased’s faith/culture, will there be mourners from faith/ cultural traditions different from your own?

Requests for memorial tributes. Many people prefer to give donations to charity instead of floral tributes. Your funeral director can pass on any donations received to the chosen charity/charities if preferred.

If the person is to be buried, you can take your time to decide on the design of a headstone for a grave, as you will generally be advised to allow one year after the burial before installation. A temporary grave marker can be arranged with your funeral director.

If you are arranging a cremation, the ashes (cremated remains) can be stored at the crematorium for up to 6 months. They can also be looked after at the funeral directors. Ashes may be scattered, interred (buried), kept at home or turned into jewellery and fireworks. Your funeral director can support you with this.

Paying for the funeral

Funeral costs are normally recoverable from the deceased’s estate, but the person organising the funeral will be responsible for paying the bill. It is advisable to check where the money will come from before you make arrangements. Many people now purchase their funeral in advance through a pre-purchased funeral plan. You may need to check if this has been arranged.

Some funeral directors require a deposit, therefore ensure you discuss payment from an early stage.

How can I find an existing funeral plan?

It is recommended that those close to and/or executors of the Will are informed when a funeral plan is purchased, who it is with and what it covers. Check if a plan was stored with the Will.

There is no central database of funeral plans. The majority of funeral plan providers are registered with the Funeral Planning Authority (FPA). Providers can be contacted via the FPA to search for an active plan.

For more information contact: www.funeralplanningauthority.co.uk

Help with funeral costs

You may be eligible for a Funeral Expenses Payment if you:

• Receive one of the qualifying benefits

• Were the partner of the deceased when they died

• Are a close relative or friend of the deceased

• Arranged the funeral to take place in the UK where the deceased was resident when they died.

A funeral expenses payment amount will depend upon your circumstances. Where possible, a Funeral Expenses Payment will have to be paid back from the deceased’s estate. Claims must be made within 5 months of the funeral taking place.

For more information contact: www.gov.uk/funeral-payments

Public Health funerals

Sometimes, there is not enough money in the estate and no one is willing or able to pay for the funeral. The local authority has a statutory duty to organise and pay for a funeral where it appears that no other suitable arrangements have been or are being made.

The council will also take full responsibility for any property or finances which belonged to the deceased. Any items of value may be sold to recover the cost of the funeral. Councils will not accept part payment, contribute to the cost of funerals organised by other persons, or administer estates on behalf of others.

Funeral Directors in Hampshire

A directory of funeral directors from our region is listed at the end of this booklet. You can also consult your local telephone directory or websites.

Will and Legal Matters

First, you need to establish whether the deceased made a Will. This may be found at their bank, solicitors, home, with family or a friend.

Conducting a Will search demonstrates that reasonable steps have been taken to ascertain if a Will or later Will or codicil (a formal written amendment to a Will), exists before applying for probate and distributing the estate.

Certainty is the National Will Register provider endorsed by the Law Society and National Associations of Funeral Directors. The cost of the search can be reclaimed from the estate.

For more information and search options contact: www.nationalwillregister.co.uk

The Will may include wishes for the funeral, possessions and name(s) of the executor(s) or the person(s) legally entitled to deal with the estate. Executors are legally responsible for administering the estate according to the wishes in the Will. If the person did not leave a Will, an administrator deals with the estate. You can apply to become the administrator if you were the spouse, civil partner or child, aged 18 or over, of the deceased.

Probate is the legal process for the distribution of the estate (money, property and possessions) which belonged to a person who has died.

For information on Wills, Probate and inheritance contact: www.gov.uk/applying-for-probate

How are you feeling?

Mountbatten Psychology and Bereavement Services

Bereavement affects individuals and families in different ways. Each person has a unique relationship with the person who has died so their feelings of loss and grief will be unique. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and everyone will process their feelings at a different pace.

What might I feel?

Emotional feelings can be ones of hopelessness, anger, shock, guilt, disbelief, anxiousness and depression. Some of these are described in more detail below.

Shock – it can be hard to believe that someone has died. Shock can leave you feeling numb and confused. It may take some time to be able to make sense of a person’s death and to realise that they are not coming back.

Physical feelings – people can experience changes to their appetite or sleep routine and can experience physical illness and pain.

Sadness – sadness and, at times, a depressed mood are common experiences. The meaning previously found in life can be lost for a time and people can even feel like they want to die too.

Loneliness – people can feel completely alone, partly because of the loss of the person and the role they had in their life, but also because they feel others do not understand or are expecting them to recover and carry on with living.

Guilt – at times, people may wish they had spent more time with the person who has died or wish they could have done something to alleviate their pain or suffering. Guilt can also be experienced if someone has had a difficult or confusing relationship with the person who has died.

Anger – anger can be experienced when it is hard to make sense of the circumstances of someone’s death, or when the death seems unjustified or unfair. People can feel angry with themselves, other people, the person who has died, or the world in general.

Longing – longing to have the person back is a common experience. At times, people may think they have seen or heard the person who has died. These experiences can be comforting, frightening or confusing, but they are a way in which the brain is trying to process and make sense of the death.

Relief – sometimes people feel relieved that the person who has died is no longer suffering.

What support is available?

Sometimes it can help to talk to someone independent who is trained to listen to and support you through your grief. We can offer individual sessions and support groups delivered by a varied team of expert Clinical Psychologists, qualified Counsellors, trainee Counsellors, and a team of volunteers who are trained, supported and supervised by these experts.

How much support will I need?

Some people will need only one or two sessions, others require longer-term support. For bereavement support we usually offer up to six sessions of up to one hour. You will be invited to attend a bereavement group for up to a year.

All support given is confidential.

A bereavement group is held at the hospice every fortnight. It provides the opportunity to meet other people who have suffered a similar loss.

Memorial services are held throughout the year. You will usually be invited to attend one about six months after your loss.

Can I use this service?

Anyone who is being or has been cared for by Mountbatten can access this service. Family members and friends are welcome too.

We offer bereavement support even when your relative or friend was cared for outside the hospice. You can ask your GP to refer you, or you can contact the service yourself on 02382 548 848.

Talking to children about death and dying

Children are egocentric and use magical thinking. This means children believe their own thoughts, wishes, feelings and actions influence the external world.

For example, a child may believe it is raining because they are sad or if they wish for something it will happen in the real world.

Because of this, children often feel responsible for what happens in their lives. As children develop they begin to learn more about logic and cause and effect but still may occasionally go back to magical thinking.

If we do not talk to children about death and dying they may develop misunderstandings and may believe they are to blame for what is happening.

We provide a specific bereavement group for children. Please speak to a member of our team about the service.

Not talking to children may also give them the message that what is happening is too awful to cope with. Children rely on the adults around them to help them make sense of the world and to bring order and security to their lives.

The pain of the death of a loved one is likely to be worse if children are not prepared and they may develop feelings of guilt, anger, confusion, and fear.

Knowing how to support children when someone is dying can help them cope after the death.

For a copy of our leaflet, Talking to children about death and dying, please ask a member of our Mountbatten team.

Ways to remember

There are many ways in which people who have died can be remembered. Here are some suggestions which may be meaningful to you:

• Share stories with family and friends about the person

• Light a candle

• Listen to favourite pieces of music you enjoyed together or sing a favourite song

• Wear their favourite perfume or cologne

• Read their favourite book

• Cook their favourite meal

• Finish any projects they were working on

• Plant something which may be significant to them

• Visit special places

• Watch films which you both enjoy

• Keep something of theirs with you

• Start a new tradition for remembering them

• Write your memories, thoughts, and feelings in a journal

• Make a documentary of their life. This could include special places and memories of family and friends.

• Live your life as they would wish you to.

Mountbatten also offers the following ways to remember:

Light up a Life

The festive season can be a poignant time of year, so take the opportunity to remember and celebrate the life of someone you loved and still love so dearly.

Light up a Life is for our communities across Southampton and Hampshire – not just for patients and families Mountbatten has supported.

Remember Together

Remember a loved one by creating a free tribute page to share your memories.

Your tribute page will remain on our website indefinitely, meaning family and friends have a constant place to visit, reminisce and donate in memory. Your love can be shared together, year on year. Wherever you are in the world, remember together. Use your loved one's tribute page to share pictures, stories, and poems that are meaningful to you. Celebrate your life with them, through storytelling. You can visit your page throughout the year, on birthdays, special dates, or on moments you miss them. For more details, visit www.mountbatten-hampshire.org.uk/ Pages/InMemoryOf

Remembering with Ribbons

Each summer, our garden at Mountbatten Hospice comes alive with hundreds of colourful ribbons dedicated to the memory of those we love who have died.

We invite you to add your ribbon to this beautiful, moving tribute to remember someone close to you. The ribbons will be on display until September, and you are welcome to visit the garden at any time during August.

Speak to a member of our fundraising team for more information.

Donations in lieu of flowers

Some families wish to leave the donations from funerals and memorial services to the hospice in memory of their loved ones. Your funeral director may be able to arrange collections on your behalf.

Donate in memory

Many people would like to donate or fundraise in memory of a loved one and here at Mountbatten, we want to support you by providing the advice and information materials you might need. Raising funds for Mountbatten can be a way to commemorate someone’s life and add to their legacy that also raises essential funds needed to continue to provide expert care and support offered to all local people facing death, dying and bereavement.

If you choose to raise funds to remember your loved one, friend or work colleague our teams are available to support you. We have collection boxes, donation envelopes and other information materials to help and these can be arranged by calling our office on 02382 548801 or sending us an email to fundraisinghampshire@mountbatten.org.uk.

How to donate:

• Via the website page www.mountbatten-hampshire.org.uk/ Appeal/donate. You can tell us who you are remembering in the ‘Leave a comment with your donation’ box.

• Please make cheques payable to ‘Mountbatten Hampshire’ and send them to our hospice address c/o Fundraising. Write your name and address details on the back of the cheque, along with the name of the person you are remembering.

• To donate via bank transfer / BACS, please use the following details:

Account name: Countess Mountbatten Hospice Charity Ltd

Account number: 53725824

Sort code: 53-50-36

Reference: ‘INMEM [INITIAL] [SURNAME]’

Please let us know your postal address so we can send you a letter acknowledging your gift. You can write this on the back of a cheque or call or email us if donating via BACS. Email us at fundraisingiow@mountbatten.org.uk

Volunteering

We simply couldn’t exist without the amazing support of our volunteers, and we are always looking for new people to join our team!

As the need for our services continues to rise, so does the need to recruit more supporters.

There are so many benefits to volunteering, including meeting new people, giving something back to your community and gaining valuable work experience.

For more information, please call our Volunteer Co-ordinator on 02382 548801 for an informal chat.

We advise waiting one year after someone dies before volunteering with Mountbatten.

Donating to a Mountbatten Shop

Donate to one of Mountbatten’s charity shops and help patients and families make the most of tomorrow. By donating you can help patients and families make precious memories. Your good quality unwanted clothes, furniture, books, bric-a-brac, toys, CDs and DVDs all help us to provide hospice care to those who need it.

You can find locations of all our shops at www.mountbatten-hampshire.org.uk/about-our-shops

Gifts in Wills

Gifts in Wills help us care for 1 in 5 people who need our support.

No one should go through the stress of coping alone through a serious illness. Remembering Mountbatten in your Will gives you the power to ensure we will be there for future generations, providing specialist care for patients, family, friends, carers and children for years to come.

After you have looked after your family and friends, please consider supporting Mountbatten by leaving a gift in your Will. It will cost you nothing now, and even the smallest gift makes a huge difference to the care local people will receive when they need it the most.

To leave a gift to Mountbatten in your Will you’ll need to include our name, address and registered charity number.

• Name: Mountbatten Hampshire

• Address: Botley Road, West End, Southampton, SO30 3JB

• Registered charity number: 1123304

Any gifts left to other charities will not support the work of Mountbatten or directly benefit local people accessing our end-of-life care services.

Hampshire funeral directors

We wish to thank the advertisers and sponsors, without whom this publication would not have been possible.

However, Mountbatten Hospice does not endorse any of the products or services offered.

Ref: Mountbatten Hospice Hampshire

Publication Date: February 2024

The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services o ering their help at this time.

Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.

It is distressing to deal with a bereavement and unsolicited mail can be insensitive and destructive during a grieving process.

By scanning the below QR code on your phone or visiting www.stopmail.co.uk, we are able to securely share this information with mailing organisations and under the Data Protection Act the information will not be used for any other purpose.

Other benefits reduce the possibility of identity fraud, such as assumed identity and you will only have to supply the information once.