Because We Care Petersfield Community Hospital Swan Street, Petersfield, Hants, GU32 3LB Tel: 02382 319000 NHS
Contents Living with bereavement 2 PracticalRegisteringinformationthedeath 3 When you speak with the Registrar 3 Who may register the death 4 The Registrar will provide you 4 Certification of death and the Coroner 5 Solicitors 5 The funeral 5 The property of your relative 6 Things that may need returning 6 People to inform 7-8 Stopping junk mail to the recently deceased 8 Counselling and advice 9 GrievingTasks of grieving 10-13 Grief in children and adolescents 13 Friends and relatives can help 14 Grief that is never resolved 15 Some do’s and don’ts of grief 16-17 Organisations offering to help the bereaved 18
Because We Care This booklet has been produced to help you live through this time of sadness. A trusted friend or relative may be able to help you as you use the information. 1
When someone close to dies, that person’s
Living with bereavement
you are faced with both practical things to do and with having to come to terms emotionally with
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death. This booklet gives you some practical information about what to do now, and some guidelines about how you and others may feel in the next few months. It also gives you some useful addresses where you can obtain further help. In the first few days after the death you need to: 1. Contact the hospital who will provide you on obtaining the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD) and any property or valuables held by the Hospital. 2. Register the death. 3. Arrange the funeral. 4. Begin to make arrangements for dealing with the property of your relative. Petersfield Community Hospital - 02382 319000 2
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The deceased’s medical card if possible (or number if known). The deceased’s full name, surname, and the maiden name (if applicable). The deceased’s date and place of birth. If the deceased was married, the date of birth of the surviving widow or widower.
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Practical Information Registering the Death An appointment is required for the registration of a death. You can contact the Hampshire Registration Service between 8.00am - 8.00pm Monday to Friday. Please call 0300 5551392. When you speak with the Registrar In addition to the Medical Certificate of Death which will be sent to the Registrar, the following will be required by the Registrar. •
• A Certificate for Burial or Cremation (known as the green form), this will be needed by the funeral director so that the funeral can be held.
Who may register the death
Where the death occurs in a private residence, hospital, nursing home, rest home, etc. it may be registered by the following people:
• A person present at the time of death.
• A relative of the deceased who was present at the time of death.
• A relative of the deceased, in attendance during the last illness.
• A relative of the deceased residing in the same local district.
• A Certificate of Registration of Death, this is for Social Security purposes only. You will be able to purchase any certificates, which may be required, for any banking, building society, or insurance purposes.
• The occupier, i.e. the matron or officer in charge of a nursing home or rest home, provided they knew of the illness before the death.
• The person arranging the disposal of the body, i.e. an executor, solicitor or similar. The Registrar will provide you
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The price of the funeral can vary considerably, depending on the amount of special requirements that are needed. It is sensible to ask more than one funeral director about the cost and to ask for the charges to be set out in writing. You may be eligible for help from the Social Fund. To find out more information contact your local Social Security Office.
In some cases the doctor may be unsure of the cause of death. In such cases the Coroner will be informed. This may also be the case in other circumstances. Should this be the case, the Medical Certificate of Death is issued by the Coroner and can be collected from the Registry Office. The Coroner’s Officer will contact the next of kin to advise them when the certificate will be available. The Coroner’s Officer can be contacted on 023 9268 8326, should you require further information. Solicitors
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You should ascertain if the deceased made a Will and consult the solicitors if they hold it, to see what the deceased’s wishes were regarding the funeral. The Will also discloses the names of the executors or the persons legally entitled to deal with the deceased’s estate. The solicitor will assist you with the administration of the estate and any questions relating to taxation that may arise, if the executors do not wish to deal with it themselves. The funeral
Certification of death and the Coroner
The property of your relative
b) If there is no Will:- The next of kin should apply to the Probate Registry for a “Grant of Letters of Administration” which will allow them to deal with the property. If your relative died in hospital and you have any problems or queries, please contact by telephone or in person, the wards on: Cedar Ward Ext: 310550 Rowan Ward Ext: 310605 Things may need returning Items such as order books and giro cheques will have to be returned to the appropriate DSS or Social Security Office. Make a note of any pension book or order book numbers before you send them back. The deceased’s passport, driving licence, car registration documents, membership cards and National Insurance papers must all be returned to the relevant offices. Check for any library books that might need returning, also if there was any NHS equipment being used it will need to be returned to either the hospital or health centre from where it came. It can be difficult enough dealing with bereavement without having to deal with the deceased’s property, possessions and personal matters. For this reason it is helpful to contact a solicitor or trusted relative or friend to help with such matters.
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a) If there is a Will:- The executor named in it can apply to the Probate Registry for a “Grant of Probate” which will allow them to dispose of any property as your relative wished. National Helpline: 0300 123 1072 or visit www.gov.uk
• Local Social Services if meals on wheels, home help, day centre transport was used.
• The local Social Security office to cancel pensions, allowances, benefits etc.
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• Local offices of Gas, Electricity, Water and Telephone suppliers, also Royal Mail.
• The local Inland Revenue office.
• A child’s or young person’s teacher, employer or college, should be informed if a parent, brother, sister, grandparent or close family friend has died.
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• Any hospital the person was attending. The Family Doctor.
• Local deliveries, i.e. newsagent.
• Bank, store card and credit and debit card issuers.
• Any employer or trade union.
People to inform There are various people, companies and other interested parties who need to be informed of the death, and others who ought to be informed.
• Car insurance company. People driving a car insured in the deceased’s name are not legally insured.
By registering with the free service www.stopmail.co.uk the names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks. If you cannot access the internet you can call 0808 168 9607, where you will be asked for very simple information that will take only a few minutes to complete. Alternatively, ask the bereavement team for a leaflet that can be returned in the post. This free of charge service provided by the Bereavement Support Network will actively reduce the unwanted marketing mail but also can help reduce the likelihood of identity theft following the death of someone close. The information is not used for any other purpose and you only have to complete this once. Additionally to Stop Mail a comparable service can also be accessed from the Bereavement Register or Deceased Preference Service if you would prefer to use them. 8
• Stopping Junk Mail - this can be done by visiting stopmail.co.uk, calling 0808 168 9607 or asking a member of staff for a leaflet. Stopping junk mail to the recently deceased If someone you know has died, the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them can be greatly reduced which helps to stop painful daily reminders.
• If the deceased was receiving Housing Benefit/Council Tax Benefit, the local housing department; also if the deceased was living in property rented from the Council or any landlord if the deceased lived in rented accommodation.
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People react to death in many different ways. Some people find it very hard to talk about the person who has died. Others find it helps to share their sadness, some work through their grief quickly, but for most people it is a long slow process. It is quite normal to find yourself crying a lot, in the weeks after the death, and to feel sad for a long time afterwards. People can often feel angry about what has happened. Although no one can take away your sadness, you can find help and support from a number of organisations if you wish. Some people find the Minister of their particular faith or doctor Pleasehelpful. remember that the Chaplains or other members of staff at Hospital will be pleased to help if you need it. If you wish to make contact, please telephone: 02382 319000.
Counselling and advice
Bereavement is a distressing experience that all of us encounter at sometime in our lives. Yet it is something that is talked about very little in our everyday life. This being the case we have very little opportunity to learn about living with loss rather than just coping.
2. Adjusting to being without the dead person and building on memories.
3. Eventually beginning to put time and energy into new interests and people. The following may help you in working through these:
Different people react to bereavement in different ways, some people get stuck in the grieving process. The information contained in this publication is designed to help with such eventualities as well as suggesting certain associations and businesses that can help you to plan for the future.
Grieving is a natural process that can take place after any kind of loss. When a loved one dies this can be a very overpowering emotion that has to run its course. There are a number of different feelings that can take some time to go through and must not be hurried. Although people are all individuals, the way in which they work through these feelings can be very similar.
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1. These include accepting the reality of the loss you have suffered and expressing the emotions involved in this.
Tasks of grieving
Grieving
For some hours or days following the death of someone who is close, most people feel totally stunned. A feeling of disbelief is common, even if the death has been expected, (say after a long period of illness), however this feeling of emotional numbness can actually be a help in dealing with the various practical arrangements that have to be made. However this detachment from reality can become a problem if it goes on for too long. To overcome this it can help to see the person who has died. Sometimes it’s not until the actual funeral that the reality of what has happened finally sinks in. Although it may be distressing to attend the funeral or to see the body, it is important to say goodbye to the ones we love. It is often the case that people who do not do this experience a great feeling of regret for some time. Ask someone that you trust to be with you when you see the person who has died. After the feeling of numbness has gone it is often replaced by a sense of agitation and a yearning for the person who has died. This can affect people in the everyday life, it may be difficult to relax, concentrate or even sleep properly.
Some people experience extremely disturbing dreams, others say that they actually see their loved one everywhere they go, more commonly in the places that they used to spend time together. It is also quite usual to feel angry at this timetowards doctors and medical staff for not preventing the death, towards the people around, such as friends and relatives, or even towards the person who has died and left them.
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It is best to return to a normal life as soon as possible, and to resume normal activities. The phrase “time is a great healer” is in most cases certainly true; however the pain of losing a loved one never entirely disappears, nor should it be expected.
Guilt is often experienced if a sense of relief is felt when someone has died, particularly after a distressing illness. This feeling of relief is perfectly natural and very common. These strong, confusing emotions are generally felt for a few weeks after the death and may be followed by periods of sadness and depression.
Grief can be sparked off many months after the death by things that bring back memories.
It can be difficult for other people to understand or cope with someone who bursts into tears for no apparent reason. Some people who can’t deal with this tend to stay away at the time when they are needed most of all.
For the bereaved partner there are constant reminders of their singleness. Seeing other couples and families can make it difficult to adjust to a new, single lifestyle.
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Another very common feeling is guilt. It is likely that the bereaved will go over in their mind all the things they wished that they had said or done, in some cases they may even consider what they could have done to have prevented the death. Of course, dying is usually beyond the control of anyone, and they must be reminded of this.
Grief in children & adolescents
The different feelings associated with mourning tend to overlap and can show themselves in various ways. There is no “standard” way of grieving because, being individuals, we have our own way of dealing with all of life’s trials not least the loss of someone we love.
Children can understand the meaning of death by the time they are three or four years old. With this being the case they feel the loss of a close friend or relative in much the same way as adults. Even in infancy it is clear that children grieve and feel great distress.
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Children experience the passage of time differently to adults and can therefore appear to overcome grief quite quickly.
However children in their early school years may need reassuring that they are not responsible for the death of a close relative as they often blame themselves for one reason or another. It is important that the grief of a young person is not overlooked as they will often not want to burden parents by talking about their feelings. For this reason they should usually be included in the funeral arrangements.
It is important that a bereaved person is able to talk and cry with someone without being told to pull themselves together.
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Friends and relatives can help By spending time with the person who has been bereaved.
It can also be difficult for people to understand why the bereaved person keeps covering the same ground, talking and apparently becoming distressed about the same things over again, this is an important part of the healing process and should really be encouraged.
Not mentioning the name of the person who has died for fear of upsetting someone can indeed lead to a sense of isolation and can add to the grief of the bereaved.
Being close to others can be a great source of comfort. It is not always necessary to say anything, just being there is enough.
Practical help with domestic chores and looking after children can all lead to easing the difficulties facing the bereaved.
Elderly bereaved partners may need more practical help than most, particularly with financial arrangements paying bills etc.
Another difficult time when friends and relatives can be of help is festive occasions and anniversaries, which can be particularly painful for years to come.
Some people hardly seem to grieve at all. They can avoid any mention of their loss, do not cry at the funeral and appear to return to their normal life remarkably quickly. For some people this is just their normal way of dealing with their loss and no harm However,occurs.others may suffer physical illness and periods of depression for some time to come. Sometimes people get stuck in the grieving pattern. The sense of disbelief and shock can just continue and never seem to Bothend. of these instances are damaging and there is a list of care associations who can help with this within this publication.
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Grief that is never resolved
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Don’t hide your feelings, try to bring out into the open whatever you are feeling.
Some do’s and don’ts of grief
Do express your feelings as much as possible. Do talk through what has happened with someone you trust (e.g. your family, a priest or minister, or an appropriate support group). Do contact one of the voluntary or hospital organisations (telephone numbers of which are contained within this brochure) if you would like someone to talk to - they are there to help you.
Don’t let others rush you into anything before you are ready, but remember that sometimes you may not know whether you are ready for something unless you give it a try.
Don’t make any major life changes while you are still grieving. Give yourself lots of time to think about changes you may wish to make and discuss these plans with others.
Don’t hurry yourself to overcome your grief. There is no fixed time that it takes to come to terms with the death of someone.
Don’t turn to drugs, smoking or alcohol to stop yourself feeling the pain of grief.
Don’t enter into any financial or legal arrangement unless you fully understand it.
Don’t rush into having the funeral right away unless it is the practice of your culture and don’t be persuaded to have an expensive funeral unless you really want it and can afford it.
Do keep in touch with friends and family - remember that most people feel honoured to be asked to help. However, many people are embarrassed about offering their help, so it may be left up to you to ask for it, even though this may be difficult for you.
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Do begin to make longer term plans for the future so that you will always have something to look forward to but rememberDon’t rush into any big life changes.
Do choose a funeral director you like and trust.
Do take good care of yourself; get lots of rest, eat well and give yourself lots of time to grieve.
Do contact your doctor if you feel unwell or would like the doctor to refer you to someone to talk to.
Organisations offering to help the bereaved Cruse 0808 808 1677 PO Box 800, Richmond, Surrey TW9 1RG Samaritans 116 123 296 London Road, Portsmouth Stop Mail 0808 168 9607 This service helps to reduce unwanted mail following a bereavement. Please visit the following website to use this free of charge service: www.stopmail.co.uk 18 Ref: Petersfield Community Hospital Bereavement Book Review Date: July 2024 Publication Date: July 2022
The Hospital would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from local services o ering their help at this time. Whilst the Hospital is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.
�\\ bereavement ,�port network stopping mail JUNKSTOPPINGMAIL It is distressing to deal with a bereavement and unsolicited mail can be insensitive and destructive during a grieving process. By scanning the below QR code on your phone or visiting www.stopmail.co.uk, we are able to securely share this information with mailing organisations and under the Data Protection Act the information will not be used for any other purpose. Other benefits reduce the possibility of identity fraud, such as assumed identity and you will only have to supply the information once. www.stopmail.co.uk 0808 168 9607 from a landline 0333 006 8114 from a mobile © Bereavement Support Network Ltd 2022
The moments you shared – they won’t be forgotten. Memory Space lets you connect and share memories of your loved one with friends and family, while giving you a place to honour them by raising money for Mind in their name. Each photo posted, message written and donation made creates a ripple, meaning the love they brought to the world reaches further. That way, more people will get the mental health support they need. Visit mind.org.uk/memoryspace Registered Charity No. 219830 Your own place to rememberNeedsupport? Call our Infoline on 0300 123 3393, email info@mind.org.uk or text 86463.
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