Wigan & Leigh Hospice Emotional Support

We would like to offer our condolences on the death of your loved one. This booklet considers some of the feelings you may have following a bereavement and the support available if you feel you need it.

Wigan & Leigh Hospice has a bereavement team made up of qualified counsellors and volunteers, all of whom have training and experience of supporting people experiencing bereavement.

Our services are available to those affected by the patient’s death including family members, loved ones and friends.

Services available and how to access them

Should you feel you need it, we offer the following sessions:

• Understanding your Grief – a one off session to help you understand grief and your response to it.

• New Connections - a social group for bereaved people to try new social activities. Sessions run once a month and you can access this for up to 12 months.

Additional support

If you feel you would benefit from additional support from the team, we can arrange an assessment after which you may be offered one of the following:

• Bereavement Support Group – This is a 2-hour weekly support group running over six weeks

• One-to-one counselling - six sessions provided with one of our volunteer counsellors at the hospice or remotely.

• One-to-one counselling - 6-12 sessions with a qualified counsellor provided face to face at the hospice or remotely

To arrange access to support or an assessment, please contact our Clinical Admin Team :

• Email : wlhospice.admin@nhs.net Tel: 01942 525566

Remembrance events

Six months after the death of your loved one, you will receive an invitation to our service of remembrance, which provides an opportunity to reflect and remember your loved one and to celebrate their life.

Losing someone we love

The death of a loved one is often a very difficult experience. The feelings we have in response to loss can be unexpected and intense, often affecting our physical as well as mental wellbeing.

Grief is a completely natural process that all of us experience in the course of our lives, although everyone experiences it in their own way.

You may experience unfamiliar, intense and disruptive thoughts and emotions which may impact on your mood and behaviour. This can be unsettling and difficult to deal with.

Healing comes slowly, but it does come

Although it doesn’t feel like it will ever come, there will be a time when your grief starts to ease and you start to feel able to plan and rebuild your life again, remembering your loved one without pain and distress.

There is a need to grieve

There is no right way to grieve, everyone will react in their own way. We experience whatever feelings emerge within us and need to work out how to address them in a way that supports our own wellbeing.

It is important to give yourself time to adjust to the loss of your loved one and the impact of grief on your life. There are no short cuts, grieving is a necessary process of adjustment.

Grieving does not mean forgetting the person you love

Grief is often described as something to get through and get over, however for many people grief is a continued connection to their loved one that they don’t want to lose. Living with grief is not about breaking your bond to your loved one, it’s about continuing the connection without feeling the pain and distress.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

During this difficult time you may need the help of family, friends or professionals to help you deal with the practical, physical, social, emotional and spiritual changes you may experience in bereavement. There is also a lot you can do to help yourself.

Routine can help

At a time when it feels your life has been turned upside down, getting back into a job or regular routine can help. Contact with people or just getting on with something that feels normal, can help you– even if it all feels very different.

Good days and bad days

Some days will be better than others, and initially it may seem that there are more bad days than good, but that will change.

Gradually you will begin to notice what helps to comfort you and get you through difficult times. Often comfort can be found in the simplest of things; spending time with a friends or relatives, going for a walk or wearing/ holding something that belonged to the person who died. Walking or sitting in nature, meditating or doing something practical to help others.

Discovering new activities to enhance your wellbeing or reconnecting with activities that have helped you deal with difficulties in the past is an important step in living with grief. In the sources of further support section at the back of this booklet, we have included a list of websites and resources to offer practical and emotional support with bereavement.

Anniversaries and special times

Initially anniversaries and times of celebration such as Christmas, can make you feel sad as you are reminded of sharing these occasions with your loved one. As time goes on, these occasions become an opportunity to celebrate again, focusing instead on your happy memories.

Taking care of yourself and others

Experiencing grief can be very exhausting and places great physical demands on the body, as well as the more obvious emotional ones. You may feel physically exhausted and tired a lot of the time and consequently, you may have more colds and flu than normal. If any symptom persists, be sure to tell your doctor.

Try to look after yourself. Eat well and regularly, even if you are not particularly hungry. Get plenty of rest, and sleep if you can. If you do have sleep problems, try relaxation techniques- there are lots of online resources or contact our team for more support.

Give yourself lots of time. Don’t rush back to work if you are not feeling up to it, but keep your workplace informed. If necessary, obtain a letter from your doctor to give to your employer. Try to plan things in the future to work towards and look forward to, but try to avoid making any sudden major life decisions, such as moving house.

So often decisions made in grief can be regretted later on. Try to involve friends and family members in your planning. Many people find that a gentle routine is helpful.

Don’t feel you have to hold it all together

Even though we’re going through our own grief, it can feel like we have to hold it all together for others. This is often particularly an issue for people who feel they have a role to be strong and support those around them.

Processing your own grief is just as important as supporting those around you. If you do not feel there is anyone around you who can offer support, please contact our bereavement team at the hospice.

Getting support for yourself and taking care of your own wellbeing will mean you’re in a better position to be there for others in your family who also need support. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Talking to children about death

We understand how difficult it is when a child experiences bereavement. Their experience of grief is influenced by their stage of development.

Grief is a natural process; however, it can be a bewildering and upsetting time, bringing up emotions and feelings that can be frightening and difficult to manage. This is particularly so for children.

As adults we feel the need to protect our children from things that we might find difficult. It is easy to assume children will not understand death and bereavement, or that it will be too upsetting for them.

However, we can often underestimate a child’s ability to cope. Like adults, children find it harder to cope if they are not told what is happening and can be more frightened by their own imagination.

Children should be told facts in a simple manner, using appropriate words. For example, dead, rather than lost or asleep.

Give them plenty of time to ask questions, and offer plenty of love and reassurance. It is helpful for adults to share feelings with children, such as feelings of sadness. By doing so they learn that it is natural to feel sad when someone dies. Children often like to draw pictures or write stories as part of their way of saying goodbye.

In the sources of further support section at the back of this booklet, we have included a list of websites and resources to offer practical and emotional support to support children with bereavement.

We also advise speaking to the child’s school to ensure they are fully aware of the bereavement and can offer their own support.

Wigan & Leigh Hospice can also provide family support sessions if you feel these are needed and they can signpost you to Child Bereavement UK and Ruth Strauss Foundation. If you feel that you or your child would benefit from more support, please contact the Hospice to arrange for an assessment on 01942 525566 or wlhospice.admin@nhs.net

How grief can make you feel

No two people will experience grief in the same way and the way we react to the feelings we experience will also be different, but these are some of the common feelings you may experience.

Shock and disbelief

To feel shocked at the news of the death of someone close to you is a natural reaction.

You may be feeling numb and unable to believe that it’s true. Some people become quiet and withdrawn, while others quickly become agitated and anxious.

You may be feeling very lost in the world, and simple daily chores may involve painful recollections of tasks previously done together.

Going to bed at night or waking in the morning may feel particularly lonely and upsetting. Some people can have difficulty falling asleep and/or feel constantly tired, exhausted by the variety of emotions being felt.

Whatever you are feeling try to express it. Don’t try to put on a brave face to protect yourself or others.

Anxiety and depression

It is quite common for people to feel anxiety in the early stages of grief when they are facing an unclear and unknown future.

This can involve worrying a lot more than usual, or can be a physical sensation such as a pounding heart-beat, muscle tension, increased perspiration and breathing.

Learning relaxation techniques can help you to manage your anxiety but if your symptoms persist, you should contact your GP for support.

Acute anxiety and anger often gradually give way to more constant feelings of depression and apathy (a feeling that you don’t want to do anything).

Asking friends and family for help in these situations can feel hard, but try to remember that if a friend had turned to you for support in their grief, there is a good chance you would feel honoured that you had been asked to help them.

If you are feeling particularly low, you may wish to contact the hospice’s bereavement support service, one of the bereavement counselling organisations at the back of this booklet, or your GP.

Anger

Life can feel very unjust when someone close to us dies. So it is natural to feel some anger in grief. For some people, however, feeling angry is the only way they know how to grieve.

You may be feeling angry at the unfairness of the fact that your relative or friend has died. Or you may be feeling that medical services could have done more or should have reacted differently.

Mostly we feel anger about the death itself and our feeling of helplessness.

A part of you may be feeling some anger towards the person who has died (for example, “How could they leave me like this?” or “Why didn’t they look after themselves properly when they were alive?”).

You may feel awkward about sharing these feelings of anger with others. Try to talk to someone you trust and who is a good listener.

Avoid bottling up your feelings as they will only catch up with you later.

Guilt

Another universal feeling in grief is guilt, which is anger directed towards yourself.

You may be feeling that there was more that you could have done. You may feel you have been responsible for your relative who has died and now that they are gone you blame yourself for not having taken better care of them. It is worth remembering that for every action we take in life there are always many other actions we could have taken - we usually end up simply taking the action which seems to be the right one at the time.

If you have been caring for your relative for a long time before they died, your feelings of loss may be complicated by some milder feelings of relief (that both you and the deceased are released from a long painful illness, for example). This is quite understandable and does not make you a bad person for feeling it.

If the death was more sudden, it may have left you feeling guilty about things left unsaid. There is often a great deal of unfinished emotional ‘business’.

Perhaps it is worth remembering the good things that you were able to give them when they were alive; if you think of what they would be feeling about you right now, if you had died and they had lived, you may have a clearer idea of what you actually meant to them.

It is important to express these painful thoughts and feelings in both tears and words since it is only through expressing our grief that we are able to get through it effectively.

Living with grief

When you are newly bereaved, it is hard to imagine that eventually you will find a way to live without your loved one.

Somehow, with time, you will be able to take up the threads of your

life and begin to weave a new future. It may be a different future from what you expected but it will not necessarily be any less positive than the past; there will almost certainly be good things waiting for you in the future.

There may be many new hurdles to face, things to learn and challenges to meet. In facing these challenges, friends and relatives are an important means of support. Therefore, do your best to maintain your contact with people who have been important to you in the past. Try to avoid becoming isolated or withdrawn.

Living with grief is not a smooth process. There are many ups and downs. Pangs of grief can sometimes occur years after a death, when you thought you had adjusted to your loss. This is to be expected since you will never forget the person you have lost; their life, however long or brief it was, will have changed the course of your own forever.

You may find it comforting to realise that, even though someone close to you has died, their influence on you and others lives on. The person you are today is probably very different from what you would have been like had you never known your loved one. In some ways therefore their spirit lives on through you.

In time you may find you have not thought about your grief for a few minutes, and later this may stretch to hours at a time. At first you may feel guilty that you are not actively grieving, particularly if you have managed to enjoy yourself for a change. Gradually you will feel more comfortable about enjoying the company of other people and new relationships.

But, whatever happens, you need not fear that you will ever forget what your loved one meant to you. The aim is to find a place and time in your life where you can continue to focus your feelings for the person you have lost, without letting your grief become an obstacle in your own life.

The dos and don’ts of grief

Do

• Express your feelings as much as possible.

• Talk through what has happened and what you are feeling with someone you trust (your family, a close friend or an appropriate support group).

• Contact one of the services listed in this booklet if you would like someone to talk to. They are there to help you.

• Take good care of yourself; get lots of rest, eat well and give yourself lots of time to grieve.

• Begin to make longer term plans for the future so that you always have something to look forward to but remember: don’t rush into any big life changes.

• Contact your doctor if you feel unwell or would like the doctor to refer you to someone to talk to.

• Keep in touch with friends and family. Remember that most people feel honoured to be asked to help. However, many people feel awkward and embarrassed about offering their help, so it may be left up to you to ask for it, even though this may be difficult for you.

• Hide your feelings: try to bring out into the open whatever you are feeling. This is central to the living with grief.

• Make any major life changes while you are still grieving. Give yourself lots of time to think about changes you may wish to make and discuss these plans with others.

• Enter into any financial or legal arrangement unless you fully understand it.

• Hurry yourself to overcome your grief. There is no fixed time that it takes to get over bereavement.

•

Let others rush you into anything before you are ready. But remember that sometimes you may not know whether you are ready for something unless you give it a try.

• Turn to drugs, smoking or alcohol to stop yourself feeling the pain of grief.

Sources of further support

For further information on the practical aspects of death, refer to the Social Security booklet (D49), entitled ‘What to do after a death’. It is a useful source of more detailed information.

If you have any questions about the care received by the person who has died, the opportunity is available for you to meet with a hospice nurse or doctor who was involved in that care.

Many people manage to live with grief with the help of their friends and family, and without any professional help. However, sometimes it can be helpful to talk through your feelings with someone who is caring and interested but not directly involved with your life.

Sometimes it is only clear that someone needs professional help some weeks or months after a bereavement. If you are worried that you are having problems with your grief, you might find it reassuring to talk to your GP, contact the hospice bereavement services, or one of the services from the following pages.

Please seek help if you think you need it.

Sources of further support

NHS bereavement support - advice and support for coping with bereavement and grief, including help with bereavement in children and young people.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/ bereavement/

Untanglegrief.com - a one stop shop for personalised information, advice, services and support to navigate life after a death. Their companion app helps you with everything from getting therapy and meeting people who relate, through to investing inheritance and administering an estate.

Ataloss.org – Signposting and information website for bereaved people.

Good Grief - Online festival with a programme of over 40 free events and 70+ speakers. Exploring the themes associated with loss, grief and bereavement. It can be watched on the Grief Channel with a packed programme of talks, interviews and webinars. The aim is to provide a space where people can talk, think and learn about grief and perhaps find some support and healing in the process. https:// goodgrieffest.com/

Podcasts which may help you with your grief

Griefcast - Describes itself as ‘funny people talking about death’. Hosted by Cariad Lloyd, it is a highly engaging and often funny podcast series in which Cariad talks to her fellow comedians and performers about loss.

https://cariadlloyd.com/griefcast

Terrible, thanks for asking - Host Nora McIrney’s husband died in 2014. His obituary went viral and Nora received lots of messages from strangers going through something hard. Nora decided to use these messages to create the first season of ‘Terrible, Thanks For Asking’. The intention is to get past the “how are you?” “I’m fine!” small talk and get right into the heart of the hard things in life. https://ttfa.org/about

Grief encounters - A weekly podcast that hopes to open up the conversation around loss and create a modern platform for people to share their own experiences. https://podtail.com/podcast/griefencounters/

NPR Grief for beginners - 5 Things to know about processing loss

Terri Daniel, whose 16 year old son died in 2006, talks through five strategies to help you cultivate a healthy relationship with grief.

https://www.npr.org/2020/05/12/854905033/grief-for-beginners-5things-to-know-about-processing-loss

Grief works - Hosted by grief psychotherapist Julia Samuel, this podcast has stories from those who have experienced great love and loss – and survived. play.acast.com/s/griefworks

The art of dying well - Aims to make death and dying something we can talk about openly without discomfort or fear. www.artofdyingwell.org/podcasts/

Bereavement room - A safe space for people of colour to tell their stories of grief and loss. Guests discuss how grief affects us culturally, the discrimination that happens, inequality and the lack of understanding about how grief might manifest itself within the diaspora.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/bereavement-room/id1488982564

On the Marie Curie couch - Features well-known guests who open up and share their experiences of grief and death in a therapeutic conversation with Marie Curie bereavement expert, Jason Davidson. play.acast.com/s/onthemariecuriecouch

My Grief Angels - a smartphone grief app with the objective of creating a global community, for people to be there for one another during their difficult times.

Headspace - An app aimed at promoting wellbeing through meditation and mindfulness techniques. Coping with grief is one area of mental wellbeing that you can sign up to receive helpful meditations for.

Supporting Children and Young People

The following resources are specifically aimed at children and young people and can be useful tools for families to use when dealing with a bereavement.

These resources are to give you ideas of what you can do to support a child or young person during bereavement but we understand that every child is different and will need different support.

If you think your child needs urgent support, please speak to your GP.

Child Bereavement UK - A national charity which offers support and help for families to rebuild their lives when a child is grieving. They offer a wide variety of resources for professionals and families for children aged 4 – 11 Short guidance films are also available online. Childbereavementuk.org

Winston’s Wish - This organisation primarily provides support to bereaved children but also has some useful resources: winstonswish. org

Place 2 Be - A children’s mental health charity with over 25 years’ experience working with pupils, families and staff in UK schools. Offers a good selection of online resources for parents / professionals to use with bereaved children: placetobe.org.uk

RipRap - This site is developed especially for teenagers who have a parent with cancer. In riprap, they can learn more about cancer and its treatment and through real stories can read the experiences of other young people and if desired, share their own story.

http://www.riprap.org.uk/support/support_in_my_area/north_west/

Young Minds - Mental health charity for children and young people youngminds.org.uk

Child Bereavement Network - Can provide advice and guidance for children, young people, their families and communities. childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk/

Lilies - user-friendly mobile grief app for young people which gives virtual hugs. Developed by six schoolgirls, the app provides a safe community to share thoughts and memories, as well as grief tips. https://liliesgriefsupport.weebly.com/

Apart of Me - a mobile gaming app developed to provide children with strength and resilience when someone is dying or has died. Set in a colourful virtual world, the bereavement app was developed by Bounce Works, and allows children to curate memories of their loved ones in a beautiful and engaging way. Upon opening the app, its users are introduced to a peaceful island that is theirs to explore. As they discover the various different parts of the island, they can undertake quests and puzzles. These have been especially created to help children process their emotions and also help adult carers to begin and support difficult conversations with them. https://www. apartofme.app/

Nino’s Mourning Toolbox - Targeted at children aged four to 12 years old, Nino’s Mourning Toolbox tells the story of a dinosaur whose sister has died. The interactive story journeys through steps in the grieving process to help children overcome their loss and help families to support each other. This mobile app invites children to answer death-related questions in a friendly and creative way. The activities encourage singing, drawing, inventing, speaking, thinking and listening as a means to better understand the death of a family member. The app is available for download on Android and iPhone. YouTube film available from: https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=KUT1goUJcs4

HOPE again - the youth website of Cruse Bereavement Support. It is a safe place where you can learn from other young people, how to cope with grief, and feel less alone. Here you will find information about our services, a listening ear from other young people and advice for any young person dealing with the loss of a loved one. www.hopeagain.org.uk

A Monster Calls (2016) – This film explores grief from the perspective of a young person. Watching films that explore grief can be a good way of opening conversations about grief with children and young people.