Coping with grief

Grief is a normal reaction to any major loss in our lives. When someone dies there will be many practical things that need to be attended to. This may mean that you start to grieve once these things are completed and the people around you begin to return to their everyday lives. It can be hard to accept the death of a loved one. We all grieve in our own way, and it may take many forms. How you are feeling will depend upon your relationship with the person who has died and what they meant to you. This death may trigger memories and feelings of previous losses. The following feelings are common in grief, although some people may feel nothing at all; this is also a sign of grief. Anxiety – you may feel restless, panicky and develop physical signs such as headaches, stomach upset or a dry mouth. Anger – this may be directed against yourself, other people, or the person who has died. You may feel anger or regret for things that could have been done differently. Guilt – you may feel you or other people did not do enough for the person who has died. The question “if only” may occupy your thinking. You may feel initial relief that the person who has died is not suffering. Helpless and afraid – you may be fearful of how you are going to manage without the person who has died and what the future holds. Unwell – grief is exhausting and stressful and this may weaken your body’s defences and could make you feel unwell. Grief may catch you by surprise and you might suddenly be overwhelmed by emotions. Low mood: you may have decreased appetite, tiredness without being able to sleep, and an inability to concentrate. Small tasks or problems may seem insurmountable and cause you to feel panicky.

You may think that you hear or see the person, even though you know that they have died. You may feel numb and unable to cry, or experience a sense of relief. These are all normal reactions in bereavement.

If you have been caring for the person who has died, you may also feel the loss of your caring role. You may feel bereft and alone because the relationships that you have built up with different health care professionals have ended. You may have lost contact with friends while caring for the person who has died and meeting new people or re-establishing old friendships can seem daunting and tiring.

Things that may help

• Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve –everyone is different • Try not to feel pressurised by the expectations of others • Do what feels right and comfortable for you • Allow yourself to laugh, cry or feel angry – someone you love has died and that is painful • Take care of yourself and pay attention to your health • Talking about the person who has died and about your experiences can help you to begin to make sense of what is happening for you • If you feel able, let family and friends know how best they can help you • Do not be afraid to seek professional help If after several weeks you find that you are not coping with your emotions or your grief is overwhelming, it would be appropriate to seek help either from your GP or from the Wisdom Hospice Bereavement Service (further information on this service is on page 21).

Services for bereaved adults and children provided by the Wisdom Hospice

It is sometimes helpful to talk to someone about your loss, the feelings being experienced and the changes that bereavement brings. Trained bereavement counsellors are available to meet with you at the Wisdom Hospice or Goodyer House (also on High Bank) by appointment. Please contact the Bereavement Services Co-ordinator (01634 830456) and an assessment meeting will be arranged. For family members living out of area, the Wisdom Hospice can make contact with a palliative care service in the locality in which you are living to enable bereavement support. Please contact the Bereavement Services Coordinator (as above) for further information.

Support for children and young people

Grief is normal and necessary. Grief is not an illness or something to “get over”. Every child’s bereavement journey will be unique and most children will need support not therapy to understand death and the range of feelings and emotions that come as part of bereavement.

Supporting children at this time can often feel daunting, particularly if you are experiencing your own grief. However, there are some useful ways of supporting a grieving child or young person. • It is important for children and young people to be able to continue with routine activities in order to help them to feel secure • Children and young people may see-saw in and out of grief, needing time to play and have fun as well as time to be sad • Children should be told the facts in a simple way, using appropriate words,e.g. dead rather than lost or asleep. • Give your child as much information as he/she asks for • Answer your child’s questions about death as honestly as you can • Encourage your child to talk about how he/she feels • Children often need help retaining their memories – share memories and stories with them • It is helpful for adults to share their feelings, such as sadness, with children. By doing so, children learn that it is natural to feel sad when someone dies. Young children often like to draw pictures, write stories or play as part of their way of saying goodbye. • The child or young person should be given the opportunity to be involved in the funeral, if they so wish. 22

Children’s understanding of illness and death will vary according to their age, experience and development. With support and information, children and young people can be helped to understand what has happened and can slowly learn to live with their loss.