Grieving

Grieving

Death is usually beyond the control of anyone.

Bereavement is a distressing experience that all of us encounter at sometime in our lives. Yet it is something that is talked about very little. Different people react to bereavement in different ways. Some people get stuck in the grieving process. The information contained in this publication is designed to help with such eventualities as well as suggesting certain associations and businesses that can help with the practicalities and also help you to plan for the future.

Grieving is a natural process that can take place after any kind of loss. When a loved one dies our feelings of grief have to run their course. There are a whole succession of different feelings that can take time to go through and must not be hurried. Although people are all individuals, the order in which they go through these feelings is very similar.

For some hours or days following the death of someone who is close, most people feel stunned. A feeling of disbelief is common, even if the death has been expected. This feeling of emotional numbness can help in dealing with the various practical arrangements that have to be made. However this detachment from reality can become a problem if it goes on for too long.

To overcome this it can help to see the person who has died. Sometimes it’s not until the funeral that the reality of what has happened finally sinks in. Although it may be distressing to attend the funeral or to see the body, it is important to say goodbye to the one we loved. It is often the case for people who did not do this to experience a great feeling of regret for years to come.

After the feeling of numbness has gone it is often replaced by a sense of agitation and a yearning for the person who has died. This can affect the bereaved in their everyday life. It may be difficult to relax, concentrate or sleep properly. Some people experience extremely disturbing dreams, others say that they see their loved one everywhere they go, more commonly in the places that they used to spend time together.

It is also quite usual to feel angry at this time - towards doctors and medical staff for not preventing the death, towards people around such as friends and relatives, even towards the person who has died.

Another common feeling is guilt. It is possible that people who are bereaved will go over in their mind all the things that they wished that they had said or done. In some cases they may even consider what they could have done to have prevented the death. Guilt is sometimes experienced if a sense of relief is felt when someone has died, particularly after a distressing illness. This feeling is perfectly natural and very common.

These strong, confusing emotions can be felt for quite a while after the death and are generally followed by periods of sadness and lethargy. Grief can be sparked off many months after the death.

It is important to remember that some people cannot deal with other people's emotions and tend to stay away at the time when they are needed most of all. You may have to encourage these people to talk to you. Try not to be upset if they can't.

It is best to resume a normal life as soon as possible.

The pain caused by the death of a loved one never entirely disappears. For the bereaved person there are constant reminders of their loss - seeing other families together and from the images seen on television of happy families. All of this can make it difficult to adjust to a new lifestyle.

The different stages of mourning tend to overlap and can show themselves in various ways. There is no "standard" way of grieving. Time helps us to adjust.

Some people hardly seem to grieve at all. They avoid any mention of their loss, do not cry at the funeral and appear to return to their normal life quickly. For some people this is just their way of dealing with their loss and no harm occurs.

Others however may suffer physical illness and periods of deep sadness for some time to come. Some people get stuck in the grieving pattern. The sense of disbelief and shock continues and never seems to end, they cannot think about anything else but the death of their loved one.

If this happens there is a list of care associations who can help at the end of this booklet.