Are you wondering what that first day (and night) at home with your little one will be like? Tiffany Brown offers a glimpse into your future…

You nested. You cleaned. You tidied. You spent those last days flip-flopping from impatient to joyful. Then labour began. And as those contractions grew stronger, you headed out to meet your future, with a tender look behind you at your cosy haven, thinking, Next time I walk through this door I’ll have a tiny bundle in my arms. OUCH! Man, that hurt!

And then you return. Like a proud lioness, cradling Bundle, sailing on a cloud of oxytocin, buzzed out in your precious baby bubble, fearful and exhilarated by the knowledge your life has changed forever.

You settle onto the couch, gazing admiringly at your precious new charge. “Cup of tea?” New Dad calls from the kitchen. “Oh, yes, please!” you respond. But New Dad, feeling bewildered by these new developments, brings you coffee instead. Sigh. “I can’t drink coffee any more, honey.” The reality of it sets in. I can’t drink coffee anymore!? Quelling your panic, you gaze lovingly at the reason you can’t drink coffee anymore. Ahhh. That’s better.

Then the precious little face starts to twitch, the delicate new skin begins to pinch, the little rosebud mouth starts to gape, and a new sound emerges. It’s a sound you’ve never before heard the in the sanctity of your peaceful home. It’s the squalling, mewling cat-cry of the newly-born.

Right. No problem. What? Oh, you’re hungry! Oh, dear, what sort of mother am I to be thinking of myself instead of you? (And so begins a lifetime of maternal guilt.)

New Dad is jumping to attention, but you swat his hands away as his lumbering giant...BUY BUMP&baby ISSUE 9 FOR THE FULL STORY