I N SIDE O U T:
Zine and Photography: Bethan Smith Assistant Photographer: Oliver Forbes Models: Madeline Rowland and Tristan Harris
This zine explores the true stories of people who have, or are currently suffering from stress and anxiety. Images inspired by Martha Graham’s ballet, ‘Lementation’ and the feelings and emotions of the people in these stories. The images portray the sensation of being trapped and over whelmed. These stories are from people willing to share their experiences in order to help raise awareness about the difficulties and experiences they have gone through. In the stories that speak of a positive outcome they have been resolved by talking to someone and getting help. For more information and advice on dealing with stress and anxiety please visit the following websites or visit your GP. www.nhs.uk www.anxietyuk.org.uk www.mind.org.uk
“When something becomes so hugely overwhelming that you want the world to swallow you whole. �
Stress and anxiety felt like
a
never
ending
cycle that I did not know how to get out of. It left me feeling completely out of control of my own mind. This then led to me feeling alone and stupid because I could not talk to anyone because I did not understand it myself. I remember waking up and worrying so much about getting the feeling that I could not breathe and the sick feeling in my stomach This would then last practically the whole day. I remember I used to sit in class and the only thing I would be thinking about was wether I was going to be sick (despite never being sick) or whether I was going to have a panic attack (which happened frequently). I felt that day in day out I was just trying to keep it under control, getting so stressed about it that I would make it worse.
I’ve had anxiety my whole life but I never knew it was an actually problem utill I got to university and studied mental health. I just thought everyone got really nervous and sick about everything like I did, and even stuff I used to do a million times I’d still get nervous about like walking to work; I always had to walk to get out the nervousness. I remember a few years ago I had a job interview at 11am and I was so nervous I had to drink till I was tipsy so I could actually leave my house to go. When I started uni my anxiety was so bad that I stayed in bed for a lot of the days and my tutor contacted me about it and suggested I saw a councillor which I did for 8 months. The councillor suggested things such as walking new routes and easing myself into new situations with support from my amazing other half and friends, and this really helped a lot. I still get anxious for most things especially going places by myself or wearing something I do not normally wear, but I know ways of dealing with it effectively now to make it a little bit better.
“A big black cloud is over you. It is hell. There is no escape.”
Since coming to university I have experienced sickness, anxiety and lost a lot of weight. I had not had anything like this at all before in my life. I have always been very loud and confident. But I never understood anxiety before uni, I had a friend with anxiety at college but did not really understand it. But I now know it is the incomprehensible fear of nothing. I do not really know what else to say.
When I was young I suffered from physical, mental and emotional abuse. On one particular occasion me and my mother were on the stairs whilst she held my younger sister and she started screaming and shouting at me. She got physical and grabbed my throat and proceeded to strangle me. I could not push her off as she was still holding my sister and I did not want to put her in danger. This was an incredibly distressing situation to be in. I was so scared at the time I did not realise just how much stress and anxiety these experiences would cause me later in life. I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This is an illness caused by stress, anxiety or depression. My anxiety leaves me on edge and I get stressed and anxious leaving my own home for fear that something or anything bad could happen. My mum is still very much a part of my life, despite everything, she is of course still my mum. However, whenever I see her name calling or a text, I feel anxious and feel as if I have done something wrong. I end up moaning and crying towards my partner, who puts up with a lot from me. I feel sad and upset that this is how I feel about my mum. It is hard to talk about and has made me very ill as a result. Stress is such a weird emotion to explain and live know with. I often feel tension in my head and neck. Both the anxiety of both my current life and past, as well as the stress, makes me feel guilty and has seriously effected my confidence. Despite all of this I know I am a strong person and even though I know I will always suffer with difficult emotions and memories I am still here. That is what matters.
My experience was one where a job I loved I then feared, and dreaded. I cried before leaving to go to school I cried during school and I cried after school. My daughter who was four years old used to run to the kitchen to fetch me the tea towel to wipe away my tears, saying mammy don’t cry. As a strong carefree individual I became a paranoid isolated and a withdrawn human being. The stress on my family especially mother, husband and daughter was immense. People would look at you and say sympathetic things but many were thinking just pull yourself together. If anyone had ever said I would suffer with anxiety and depression I would have said never ever but it can happen to anyone in any circumstance. My situation was a result of a colleague who bullied me for over three years. I was a keen, enthusiastic and motivated teacher who had been promoted to Head of Department but the constant mental and emotional abuse wears you down. I went to school one Monday in October standing in assembly began to experience chest pains & palpitations. I ran out got in my car and didn’t return until six months later. I was lucky in that I didn’t need to rely heavily on anti depressants and managed my condition with exercise & the love & support of my family. I still suffer with anxiety but have strategies to deal with it and have r e m o v e d myself from teaching f u l l time.
BETH SMITH