thoughts about...
forgiveness We all know that we're supposed to forgive those who wrong us and move on. But how many of us actually do so? Many if not most of us have rifts in our families or friendship groups due to unresolved disputes. I think the pain and division this causes is a tremendous shame. We could all benefit from connecting, communicating, and above all loving each other more. That means learning to overcome our differences and yes, forgive. But forgiveness is another of those things that's much easier said than done.
Why should I forgive? I've seen backlash online against the idea that we should always try to forgive. People who have been seriously hurt may think, "Why should I forgive? They don't deserve my forgiveness." It's understandable that people feel this way. But I think this line of thought derives from a misconception about what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is often seen as something we generously do to someone who has hurt us. But I believe it is something we do for ourselves. When we are carrying around anger, bitterness and resentment towards someone else, we can't keep these feelings contained in a little box. They spill over, preventing us from being at peace with the world. Sometimes, we may get caught in repetitive thought loops about how that person has hurt us I've been there! We may badmouth them to others in search of validation, which only serves to spread blame and negativity. Hanging on to these emotions can poison our
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headspace and our interactions with others. So forgiveness is really about letting go of things that don't serve us. It's something we do primarily for ourselves, though it may benefit the other person too.
Does forgiving someone mean allowing them back into your life? Another barrier many people have with regards to forgiveness is that they think forgiving someone means being willing to interact with them. But again, forgiveness is a personal journey. Letting go of your resentment towards someone does not mean condoning what they did. If you know it would not be healthy to have that person in your life, you can still choose to keep your distance. But that decision will be coming from a calm, rational place rather than a place of hurt and anger. Rather than blaming and accusing, you'll be able to accept what happened and move on. Acceptance really is the key to forgiveness. Some years back, a story made the headlines about a woman whose daughter had been murdered. She made the radical statement that she had forgiven her daughter's killer. Did she mean that she was ok with what had happened, or that she was over the loss of her daughter? Of course not. But she realised that no amount of anger would bring her daughter back and chose to let go of it, recognising that this was the only way for her to heal. When religious texts speak about forgiveness, I believe this is what they mean.
