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was the draw for you? I had always been the one who was in control in my relationships. From a young age, I felt like the emotional guardian of my parents. I didn’t really trust someone to steer, and that’s exhausting. Part of the reason submission is so seductive, especially for people who are anxious, is that they get to not make the choices. Consensually doing that can feel like a big relief. Maybe you feel like you’re escaping your own mind. At the same time, that there was always this sense of, I need to keep pushing myself. I need to be advanced or evolved, by his definition. In some ways, that was [natural for me] as an overachiever. I later found out, as I talked to psychologists, that that’s pretty common: Ambitious women will find themselves in that dynamic because they’re so determined to prove themselves to this one person who they can’t seem to convince of their aptitude.
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