Sean Dietrich is moving to town

PHOTOGRAPH BY ROJAN MAHARJAN ON UNSPLASH

Alabama or Bust

BY SEAN DIETRICH

So, I guess we’re moving. My wife, Jamie, has been looking at houses for several months now, ever since her mother passed away. And it’s getting serious.

This all started one morning when my wife announced that she wanted to leave Florida and move to Birmingham, Alabama, to make a fresh start in life.

My immediate reaction was to kiss her forehead. I told her I was going to miss her dearly.

“You’re coming with me,” she said.

“Me?” I said with a laugh. “Leave Florida?”

Truthfully, I did not think she would follow through. I never thought I’d leave the Alligator State. I’ve never had the desire to leave. During boyhood, when all my friends traipsed off to college to begin their lives far away from home, I was voted most likely to die of mosquito-borne illness.

I grew up in a magical place where 127 square miles of brackish bay water meet the sky. The Choctawhatchee Bay was never less than a mile from my front porch; neither was the Gulf of Mexico. And living within my backyard, according to the Guinness World Records Book, was the world’s largest brown recluse spider. We named him Phil.

But my wife is not someone who makes idle statements. When she declares that she’s going to do something, it’s already half-done. So, if this woman says we’re moving, it’s time to call Mayflower®.

Lately, this woman has been constantly obsessing over houses for sale, daydreaming about them, drawing pictures of three-bedroom, two-baths on legal pads, using pocketknives to carve the initials of her favorite Realtors into our kitchen table.

She frequently uses my computer printer to print explicit photographs of Arts and Crafts-style bungalows, then hangs these photos up in our bathroom like pinups.

My wife frequently drives thousands of miles to attend open houses, wherein she walks thoughtfully through the homes of complete strangers for the sole purpose of criticizing their decor.

And once, late at night, I caught my wife watching HGTV at a low volume. “Oh yeah, baby,” my wife was saying suggestively as the television displayed gratuitous shots of subway tile.

My wife is a big fan of subway tile. She would happily move into the Bates Motel if they had subway tile backsplashes.

So, over the last months, my wife’s home-buying fantasies have gotten worse. Recently, she has been

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taking me on tours of homes within our price range. In my short time looking at houses, I’ve discovered that many people will put anything on the market, no matter what condition it’s in.

We once toured a home, for example, with a large brownish stain on the living room carpet that looked like someone’s dog had not so much as suffered incontinence, but rather rejoiced in it. The house smelled like a chain-smoking billy goat, there was a blue tarp on the roof, and the backyard contained not one, but three rusted water heaters.

After one-point-three minutes inside, I was ready to leave, but my wife was still inspecting the kitchen, uttering cryptic home-decorating phrases like, “I’m thinking we could do shiplap right here.”

We’ve been going through this unique realestate purgatory for months now. But today, I think something pivotal finally happened. Today, at long last, my wife believes she might have found The House.

This afternoon, we walked inside a smallish house with antique windows and oaken floors, built in the 1920s. The little house has been beautifully taken care of. It has all the charm you’d expect from a clapboard home predating the Coolidge Administration.

When we walked through the front door, I halfexpected to hear an Artie Shaw record playing in the background, and maybe even overhear the voice of my granny in the den, screaming at contestants on “Wheel of Fortune.”

My wife was brimming with excitement when she stepped inside the bedrooms. Her eyes danced around the interior like Willy Wonka on amphetamines. Soon, she was touching the walls absentmindedly, using reverent words like “closet space.”

And suddenly, it all became real to me. I realized that we are indeed moving to Birmingham. I don’t know when, and I don’t know where exactly, but it’s going to happen. We might even wind up in this house.

I sat on the sofa and tried to wrap my head around the idea that one day, my home state will be 261 miles behind us, and all my memories will be covered with creeping vines.

No longer will I see the Choctawhatchee Bay water at sunup, the bay where I first kissed my wife. No longer will I find myself in a johnboat at dusk, fishing with my cousin, watching the stars play over the Panhandle.

I will be here, in the Yellowhammer State, snug in the arms of the woman who shares my name. And even though the idea of moving terrifies me, I freely admit, I’d follow this lovably deranged woman anywhere.

As long as we have subway tile backsplashes.

HAVE THE BEST SUMMER EVER!

REGISTRATION OPENS IN FEBRUARY!

HOOVERMETCOMPLEX.COM/CAMPS

camps@hoovermetcomplex.com (205) 739-7364

MEDICAL SPOTLIGHT ASK A PHYSICIAN

Q: Why is chiropractic family care important?

A: Chiropractic care is essential for people of all ages, and critical for optimal health. Research has shown that often the birth process—even when delivery is natural and smooth—can cause misalignments in the spinal column, which houses and protects the delicate spinal cord and nerves that communicate information to and from the brain in order to maintain optimal health and function. Subtle misalignments, called vertebral subluxations, can quietly reduce communication to immune system function, sensory processing, hormone regulation, and general health. The best time to address these— often asymptomatic—subluxations is before they turn into larger health concerns. Chiropractic care is very specific and designed for each individual based on careful examination and evaluation.

Q: In what ways can chiropractor visits play a role in overall health?

A: Research shows that wear and tear, known as degeneration or arthritis, can be found in much younger people than we originally thought years ago. Studies indicate that within two weeks of a misalignment in the spine, wear and tear begins, and altered function can follow quickly. Usually, we don’t feel the effects of this until months or even years later, which is why it is so important to incorporate chiropractic care as a regular part of your health regimen.

Q: What specific conditions are best treated with chiropractic care?

A: We often explain that chiropractic care cannot “treat” conditions; chiropractic care is designed to allow the body to heal more effectively in all people as quickly as the body will allow. However, many people come to us with ailments such as migraines, seizures, digestive issues, asthma, fertility challenges, sleep issues, immune system dysfunction, and more. Many of these conditions

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PHOTOGRAPHS COURTESY OF GREYSTONE CHIROPRACTIC

Dr. Lee Goldenberg, D.C., is a Research Honors graduate of Palmer College of Chiropractic in Davenport, Iowa. He opened Greystone Chiropractic in 2014, where he offers a comprehensive approach to pain relief through gentle and effective chiropractic care.

are positively affected by chiropractic care, which allows the body to restore and heal if given enough time and regular care.

Q: For what reasons should a baby or child be seen by a chiropractor?

A: Children of all ages come to our practice to have their spines checked for subluxation and adjusted when necessary. This can be for known conditions, such as ear infections, colic, sleep and digestive problems, immune system regulation, growing pains, and more. However, chiropractic care is most beneficial when no symptoms are present, to enhance and optimize the nervous system and brain-body connection.

Q: What is different about a visit for an adult versus a baby or child?

A: Adults typically have much more wear and tear, adhesions, scar tissue, previous injuries, and—often—spinal neglect, so it takes more time and consistency to see results and optimal healing; children often require less frequent care and lighter touch. They are typically adjusted in a parent’s arms or where they are most comfortable and at ease. There is much less pressure and movement in pediatric adjustments, which are tailored specifically to each person in our office.

Q: What are some benefits of regular visits versus as-needed?

A: We typically don’t recommend “as-needed” care, because once you feel a symptom, you have between 60% and 70% reduction of nerve function in an area. Optimally, regular care to prevent this yo-yo style of care will help the body stay well and prevent the unknown from developing into bigger issues.

Q: Is visiting the chiropractor safe? What type of training is required?

A: Every chiropractor is different, as any lawyer or accountant differs, however the training required to become licensed in chiropractic care is extensive. Doctors of Chiropractic must complete an undergraduate degree, usually in biology or some science, and then 300plus post-graduate credits from an accredited chiropractic college, including gross anatomy, spinal anatomy, neurology, neuroanatomy, physiology, cardiovascular/pulmonary studies, extensive radiology, physical diagnosis, and many chiropractic technique and evaluation classes. They must pass four parts of National Board Exams, and possibly a state exam. (Alabama requires a specific state exam.) Every year, chiropractors are required to complete 18 hours of continuing education to stay trained on the latest information in healthcare.

Chiropractic is most effective when the doctor is precise and specific and studies the patient’s history, examination findings, and X-rays extensively. In our office, we perform all the investigation measures on your first day, and then I study that information to understand exactly how to take care of the person in the most efficient and effective manner on a subsequent visit. Then, we set up a separate appointment to go over the X-rays and findings in great detail, so every patient knows exactly where the concerns are and what we plan to do about it.

Greystone Chiropractic is located at 6600 Tattersall Lane. For more information, visit greystonechiropractor.com.