What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
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OCTOBER 12, 2009 3:18PM
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I had my birth name/maiden name for roughly 24 years. Then I took my first husband’s name. When we divorced and I took my old name back as fast as I could.
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Then I got married again and took my new husband’s name. Then we got separated. But the timing was odd. I was running for a seat on the local town council and had built up lots of name recognition with my married name. I’d been using it for six years at that point. By the time the divorce was final, I was elected and I decided to keep my married name.
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But there was another reason. My two sons from my first marriage have their father’s last name. A name I never really shared with them. And their father was a deadbeat dad, never around. They are stuck with a name they must feel very ambivalent about. I decided I didn’t want to create that same separation with my youngest son. But now I’m in a dilemna. It doesn’t feel right to continue using the name and I don’t want to go back to my maiden name either. I feel very disconnected from it after all this time. I feel like a person without a country. Should I just keep my name as is and avoid alot of hassle? It is my legal name, my professional name and the root of my online identity. Sometimes I wonder how a modern woman like myself even ended up in this situation in the first place? I should have just kept my birth name and avoided all this hassle. But women must always make a difficult choice: retaining their maiden name identity means a lifelong moniker disconnect with the most beloved people in their lives, their children.
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One alternative some women choose, taking a hyphenated name for themselves and then adopting it for the children as well, always seemed like a
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
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New Voices, Better Choices posted by: Sarah
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon January 04, 2010 07:53PM
silly choice. Think of all that extra writing! The kids would have hated me for it.
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January 04, 2010 07:49PM
For now, simply for the reason of avoiding all the work and headache a name change would entail, I’m going with the status quo. But I'm feeling increasingly uneasy about it. Something's gonna give eventually.
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Marrying left your maiden name disused. Its five light sounds no longer mean your face, Your voice, and all your variants of grace;
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For since you were so thankfully confused By law with someone else, you cannot be Semantically the same as that young beauty: It was of her that these two words were used.
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Now it's a phrase applicable to no one, Lying just where you left it, scattered through Old lists, old programmes, a school prize or two Packets of letters tied with tartan ribbon - Then is it scentless, weightless, strengthless, wholly Untruthful? Try whispering it slowly. No, it means you. Or, since you're past and gone, It means what we feel now about you then: How beautiful you were, and near, and young, So vivid, you might still be there among Those first few days, unfingermarked again.
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What a dilemma. When my wife and I got married I remember saying that she should not feel compelled to take my last name. It always seemed to me to be an old fashioned vestige of the days when women were considered property. Anyway I've given this some thought and unfortunately I don't have any serious advice for you, but I do have some unserious advice... What you could do is just drop the last name altogether. You could be like the town council version of Cher or Madonna. No, wait, better yet, have an exclamation point as your last name. You'd be Beth! Think about how that would look on the ballot. There'd be Joe McBoringname and Linda Cantpronouncethename, and then the voter comes to Beth! It just sort of
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
pops, no? The voter will be thinking, "wow, this Beth! is energetic, and young. I want Beth! representing me on the town council!" And here's your slogan: "Beth! in '09!--Excitement Will Ensue! Excitement for Me and You!" MJwycha OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:00 PM
i tell younger male friends never to trust "new women" when they change their name to yours. they don't mean it. Ben Sen OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:05 PM
When I married my third husband, I said to myself - these men are coming and going and changing my name each times sucks. So I paid a lawyer and changed my name to my birth name. I never much liked the name; but once I took it back, I felt more authentically me than I had since I left it behind. Hippies&Heros OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:11 PM
Doncha hate the whole "change your name" thing? It's so much like carrying something around When my husband and I got married, we briefly toyed with the idea of coming up with a third name we could share. Too cowardly to do it and I was too far along to change mine to a name he didn't even love. But the third way - that seemed like fun. Or not... Nikki Stern OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:15 PM
My wife kept her maiden name because she couldn't stand my father. I've decided to change mine to Pitt. R john blumenthal OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:30 PM
It's all in the "who" the person needs to be. ~R~ Chuck A. Stetson OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:52 PM
You should come up with a whole new name that's a conglomerate of your favorite people. Strive to be what you then name yourself. Of course, don't blame me if you wind up as OcuBlevNaScan or something. Andy Heizeler OCTOBER 12, 2009 04:57 PM
That is a dilemma. I didn't take my husband's name when I got married... frankly I didn't see the point. I'm from the school that thinks that my accomplishments in life belong to my family, not his. When I am famous and fabulous and everyone says my name in a reverent hush, it will be my family's name that is uttered, not my in-laws. My last name, however, is not my father's last name. My father was a horse's ass, and my step-father was a psycho. So for my 18th birthday my mother's divorce lawyer gave me the gift of legally changing my last name to that of my maternal grandparents, my mother's maiden name. Can't tell you what to do... maybe make up a new last name you like... :) iamsurly OCTOBER 12, 2009 05:39 PM
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
Take a stage name like Elizabeth Taler. Since the name is in the public domain, you won't forget it and it carries no obligation. mary gravitt OCTOBER 12, 2009 05:56 PM
I have spent a lot of time pondering the name issue. (Another thing that guys don't have to deal with!) I've been marrying for over three years and deciding what to do with my name was the most difficult decision. We made a sort of compromise because if we do have kids, I want the same last name as them. So, David & I both have my maiden name Glover as our middle names and I took his as my last name. But! For publishing purposes, I will be known as Gwendolyn Glover. It's still complicated. Gwendolyn Glover OCTOBER 12, 2009 06:06 PM
You've inspired me. From now on, call me Sheldon the Wonderhorse Clooney. Personally, I would keep it, if I were you. As some guy named Will once said, "What's in a name?" Sheldon The Wonderhorse OCTOBER 12, 2009 06:07 PM
Linking my last names together makes for a great password. I've decided to keep my maiden name for the rest of the journey... scupper OCTOBER 12, 2009 06:49 PM
These comments are all awesome because each one of them represents a thought I've had about this issue..all except the one about new women who don't mean it. Still utterly perplexed but feeling like I'm not alone! Thanks all! Beth Ingalls OCTOBER 12, 2009 06:52 PM
I know a woman who's been married to her second husband for years, who still uses her first husband's last name. It's your identity. The great and terrifying thing is, you can be whomever you want. Frank Indiana OCTOBER 12, 2009 07:02 PM
Another reason not to get married. Love is all we need, people. Formalities fuck it up. Jon Harris OCTOBER 12, 2009 07:17 PM
I have the solution! Get married several more times, then take the first letter of each last name and see what name you can come up with and use that. See Problem solved. If you have any other problems, let me know. I'm a real good problem solver. No need to thank me. Michael Rodgers OCTOBER 12, 2009 07:26 PM
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
paraphrasing from memory "TS Garp? What kind of a name is that?" "It's his OWN name," said Jenny. I envied Garp so much for having such a prescient mom b/c I am facing the exact same issue as you - I am still going professionally by the name of my exhusband, and switching to a *new* married name just exhausts me w/ the implications. Sandra Stephens OCTOBER 12, 2009 07:36 PM
everyone does things differently....but I don't really like my birth name that much and my family had a domestic violence issue a few years ago that pretty much made me feel divorced from the family that I grew up in. I still love them, but legally we're living apart. So, I choose to use my grandfather's name because I don't like the idea of not knowing what name I'm going to have for the rest of my life. And because my grandfather's name is unusual and strange and I sort of like that. And I was close to him, and I miss him, and I like the reminder. It also gives me the same name as his wife (he had remarried), my (step) grandmother, who I'm also close to. It's a good question though because I wondered that too about how when a family is put together how do you feel a part of it if you don't change your name....since I don't have children or a husband, at the moment, these aren't pressing concerns. But you have my sympathy, in a big way. doloresflores_d OCTOBER 12, 2009 07:52 PM
I have had three different last names and have neither been adopted nor married. I understand this completely. And, by the way, I was here. cartouche OCTOBER 12, 2009 08:32 PM
I appreciate this, Beth. It's a dilemma many women face. I loved my maiden name, and love my married name just as much. It's who I am. If I ever married again, it would be difficult for me to give up my current name. I don't believe a name has to become attached to the person who brought it to you; it's a much larger issue than that. If you have an identity or a reputation with your current name, you have every right to hang onto it. You've certainly given compelling arguments for doing this. Note to cartouche--Smith isn't Hungarian? Kathy Riordan OCTOBER 12, 2009 08:43 PM
I've given this issue some thought and I don't believe there is a universal perfect solution. In just this group of comments, there is a range of attitudes and personal solutions to the dilemma. When I divorced I kept my married name because I wanted to continue to share my daughter's last name and because it was a simple name compared to my much misspelled/mispronounced maiden name. Sounds easy and definitive, but I often feel the tug of my maiden name. It has history and roots that are mine. SuznMaree OCTOBER 12, 2009 09:07 PM
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
I'm too used to my last name now. I would not change it if I got married. I think it's fine to do that, of course, but not something I could do. It does seem a little antiquated, although I do think everyone should do what seems comfortable. Maybe you should talk to your son and see what he thinks. That way, you can do what is best for you both. Um, what's a "new woman?" I don't get it. odetteroulette OCTOBER 12, 2009 09:21 PM
I've more than seriously toyed with the idea of choosing a permanent last name for myself. One I really like. One that's easy to spell and pronounce. I'm in the same boat as you right now and for the time being am opting to keep the name I'm currently known by, but at some point in the future I'll probably do that. Hate the maiden name. Liked the first husband's name. Not terribly wedded (no pun intended) to the current one. Just don't know what the ultimate choice will be. I understand this completely! Denise Montgomery OCTOBER 12, 2009 09:24 PM
The way I see it, you can have any name you like. It's not that hard to list your achievements, no matter what your name was/will be. As far as online goes, you can have a redirect or tags that tie your old name to your new, that way, if anyone googles it, they get you. - ttfn OCTOBER 12, 2009 10:11 PM
Flabbergasted by all the comments here - almost every one I read and say, yeah, that's right...or yes, that's exactly how I feel. It's nice to know there are other women out there caught in a similar dilemna. I wonder why, after quite a few years going along without even thinking about the name, I've suddenly come to be so concerned. I guess the time has come. But no matter what I do, it seems like I'm hurting someone by my choice. Beth Ingalls OCTOBER 12, 2009 10:35 PM
Beth, I will only share my experience with the name change thing. I got divorced after a 21 year marriage that had four kids. There was never a question in my mind about whether or not I would keep my married name. There was no way. I think there is power in words, and the names we call ourselves. It just didn't make logical sense to me to keep the name of a man I was no longer married to. Nor did it make sense to me to take back my maiden name as I never felt close to my father. So I looked at the family names and chose my grandmother's maiden name. This felt perfect to me. However, it must mess with those ancestral charts. For you, I can see where this is a difficult decision since your name is tied in with your profession...that makes it tough. marytkelly OCTOBER 12, 2009 11:10 PM
Thanks Mary - it's come up her several times in comments and I have been thinking about going with my mom's maiden name/my grandfather's. Makes sense and I can see I'm not alone. Beth Ingalls OCTOBER 12, 2009 11:15 PM
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
Of the five girls in my family, four of us got married. My three sisters all kept our maiden name, and they're all still married. I was the only one who took my husband's last name because he was adopting my daughter and it seemed odd to change her name and not mine. But I dropped my middle name and made my maiden name my middle name. I attempted to take back my maiden name when I got divorced, but it didn't happen (that's another story -- trial, inept lawyer...) and I haven't had a spare $250 to change it since then, so I just quit using the third name and go by my maiden name. When I have to use my legal signature, it's Mary G...... and then a "J' with a scrawled line behind it. One of these days I'll legally fix it, but for now I mostly feel like I've reclaimed who I am. mginmn OCTOBER 12, 2009 11:46 PM
Oh yes, such a common complaint of us modern women. Thanks for the exposure of it. My friend Lissa solved it by only shacking up, not marrying her man of 20 years and legally changed her name to her maternal grandmothers name also. Problem solved for her. Some people are just smart. :) Deborah Young OCTOBER 12, 2009 11:52 PM
I'd just go with "Beth" like Cher, Madonna, and Prince:) Roger Fallihee OCTOBER 13, 2009 12:04 AM
With my first marriage I took his name because, well, it's what was done; it didn't occur to me that I had options. The day the divorce was finalized I shot straight from the courthouse to the Social Security office to reclaim my maiden name. With my second marriage I took my husband's name for a number of reasons, not least because it was one way of honoring the man I love so much. And I adored his father. But I also love my maiden name; my full name rolls off the tongue very nicely and I wanted to honor my father, whom I also adored. Hyphenated last name? It's always struck me as pretentious and more than a little indecisive (no offense to anyone here with a hyphenated last name). Solution? Bump my given middle name and replace it with my maiden name. Problem solved! (Plus I have a nice symmetrical monogram now.) NotWhoYou'dExpect OCTOBER 13, 2009 12:13 AM
There's a Russian saying that the person beautifies the name. If you've made your name your name, it's your name now. The same for your kids. It's their last name, not the name of their dead beat dad. Anyone who has a common last name will be sharing it will a whole assortment of losers and jerks. Kathy- Smith can be translated. It's a common last name in many languages since most villages had only one smith. It identified a person in a way that farmer or peasant didn't. Kuznetsov is Russian for Smith. It's a very common last name. Malusinka OCTOBER 13, 2009 12:41 AM
What a good question.
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
When I was a kid, I decided I would definitely want to change my last name when I got married, because I hated my last name. No one could pronounce it and everyone made fun of it. I imagined marrying some guy with an awesome last name, like "Danger" or something. But in recent years I've come to like my last name. It has meaning and it is unusual. In fact, it is so unusual that if I happen across the name someplace and it is spelled the same way as mine, it probably means that the person in question is related to me in some way. So now I think I'd like to keep it. Until I have kids, anyway. That'll complicate things. No idea what I'll do then. :) As for you, I hope you find a solution that you like. I think if I were in that situation I'd make a up a cool last name. littleboxofspoons OCTOBER 13, 2009 01:28 AM
I think you should just do whatever makes you happy. You're the one that has to put it on every morning, and has to go to bed with it every night. (How your kids are going to feel about it doesn't really matter. They're going to blame you for everything anyway.) Rocket Boy OCTOBER 13, 2009 02:13 AM
My feeling is that once you've built up a reputation with your name, you've made the name belong to you (and no longer to your ex-husband) - and once you've created a significant, positive web presence, it makes very little sense to change your name. Rachel Inbar OCTOBER 13, 2009 02:55 AM
I can relate. but not for the reasons you have... Some time ago, I decided - if I had to choose - to use my Mother's maiden name. It's as far back as I want to go... Just a thought. mynameise OCTOBER 13, 2009 03:53 AM
I loved this poem, its so beautiful and apt. Its funny after years of using my husband's name professionally, I am now writing under an abbreviation of my maiden name here on OS and likewise using my maiden name again. I just got tired of some things I worked on so hard not having MY name on them. Good luck, Beth. rita shibr OCTOBER 13, 2009 05:38 AM
I didn't take my husband's last name, because we were both (very) young and feminist and had that whole "ownership" issue going. Then we moved to a series of rural places where everyone assumed we shared a name. People whose primary relationship is with him think I have his name. People whose primary relationship is with me think he is called by my last name. We adopted some kids whose last name doesn't match either of ours. And there are a whole bunch of people who don't know we're married. It makes no logical sense, but over the years the issue just went away. Now I make sure my income is reported to Social Security correctly and don't pay much attention to the rest. High Lonesome OCTOBER 13, 2009 09:06 AM
http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]
What's In A Name? Not Much, Just My Whole Identity - Beth Ingalls - Open Salon
Keeping your maiden name does not mean you lack the same name as your kids. Give them your maiden name. Nothing today requires they have to take the father's name. How about girls get mother's name and boys get father's name? It has worked in this family for 34 years. And for legal purposes, a woman keeping the same name throughout her life is really helpful. mountainscout OCTOBER 13, 2009 09:29 AM
In UK we can take any name we like to use no lawyers needed back in 1960 I encouraged my first wife Judith Thomas, oboe, to keep her name as a musician at work she was Mrs Watkins at home and on paper and at parties I was occasionally Mr Hugh Thomas :-) For my third marriage I added my wife's danish surname Hugh Watkins Kristoffersen (no hyphen) and dropped it on divorce Hugh Watkins OCTOBER 13, 2009 10:48 AM
Beth, this is a tough decision. I knew a woman who had a hyphenated last name name and when she got divorced, I joked she got de-hyphenated. Rated for your thoughtfulness about your children and their identity as well as your own. OEsheepdog OCTOBER 13, 2009 11:02 AM
This is the nice thing about being a man. You don't have to worry about these questions. Now, having said that, if you don't like your current name and you don't like your maiden name, what would you do? Do you want to be like the former Chad Johnson and get your last name changed to Ochocinco? In other words, do you want to make up a name from scratch? Or maybe, if you lived in a town that has a cool name, you could adopt that one. I wouldn't advise adopting the town's name for where you live now. But maybe there was some place you lived where you really loved the place. Or, maybe you could go with the last name of your porn name. You know, where your first name is that of your first pet and your last name is the street where you first lived? Tony Wang OCTOBER 14, 2009 12:16 PM
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http://open.salon.com/blog/formermayor/2009/10/12/whats_in_a_name_not_much_just_my_whole_identity[8/17/2010 11:28:34 AM]