3 minute read
Advice Column by Madeline Perez
Advice Column
By Madeline Perez
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Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“I’ve received this email from this Ponzi company. They’re saying that I have infringed on their copyright even though I have no recollection of such an act. In the email, they demand that I pay $690, else they will sue me for the big bucks. I am frightened by the email, but I know I am in the right. What do I do?”
Emails from Ponzi companies should be treated exactly like spam emails. Most people just delete them, but if you want to be as awesome as me, you should reply to them with an even better Ponzi scheme. By doing this, you can steal money from those thieves, and in the process get rich yourself. Then you can buy Binghamton a new Baseball stadium. At least, that’s what I did.
“How do I get Matt to put something better as the front/back cover?”
You don’t. What you see on the covers is factually the most comical and statistically the most entertaining thing possible. If you have an issue with a front or back cover I’d recommend going to therapy, because this is definitely you-problem.
“Can you tell me something to write about? I haven’t been able to write recently and I know that I gotta.”
HMM. Quite thought-provoking. If it were me, I would probably write about your experiences living next to a psycho killer. If that doesn’t cut it, you can always talk about how echidnas have four penises. I know you’ll come up with something, roomie! :)
“Raaa?”
“Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma, Roma-ma Gaga, “Ooh la-la” Want your bad romance” -Lady Gaga
“I like my suitemate but he won’t leave me alone. We have a lot of the same friends, so whenever I’m going to see someone, he always tags along. Everytime I leave the suite he’s basically waiting to come along. Any advice besides moving to Mexico and changing my name?”
You see, the problem is that you keep leaving your suite. If you never leave your room, he can never tag along! This will leave him waiting, staring, whimpering at your door like a puppy waiting for the return of its owner. And return you won’t. Defeated, he we probably pee and cry.
“What the dog doin’?”
THERE IS NO DOG. HE’S NOT DOING ANYTHING. THIS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOUR OWN LIFE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT HAS YOUR LIFE COME TO? JESUS. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Also, they always ask what the dog doing, never how the dog doing.
“Why do I always feel like I have to apologize for everything, even if I didn’t do anything?”
Wow. I’ve been there. What you’re suffering from is lowself esteem combined with a hyperactive perception of the feelings of those around you. You always feel you’ve done something wrong, or that you are wrong somehow, so you are quick to accept blame for things you can’t control. There is only one solution. You need to begin your chad-arc. Step 1: Stop caring what people think about you. They don’t matter, king. Step 2: Be healthy and hygienic so that you can take pride in yourself. Step 3: Write for the Binghamton Review!
“My RA says my room smells like weed and she’s been threatening to take action. What do I do?”
Firstly, why does your room smell like weed? Weed should be smoked in the nature preserve, as is tradition. Or, if you want to stay in your dorm, you could try sharing with the RA. If that doesn’t work, to cover up the smell, aggressively shit your pants.
“I would love to see the inside of the Binghamton Review office. Do you give tours?”
I would love to show you the inside of our office, except there’s one tiny little problem. There is no office. Hey, SA, can you hook us up?
“What makes you qualified to give advice?”
