Advice Column

I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

Where should I dorm on campus next year? Need help deciding.

The sewers beneath campus are quite cozy year-round. Also, the smell isn’t that bad since it dissipates around the engineering building. You know what I’m talking about.

Can I uh get a bugrger with frie?

Excuse me? This is an Ikea. I can get you Swedish Meatballs.

I’m making a quesadilla for lunch?

Is this a question or a statement? Did you ever end up making that quesadilla for lunch? Why have you made me ask the questions?

I’m not racist, but whenever I turn my head more than ten degrees, my neck starts popping as loudly as the Battle of the Bulge. I’m not particularly misogynistic either, but the neck-popping is becoming a real problem for me, and I’m starting to feel insecure about it with my friends. I would appreciate any advice from you, Abby, and hope that you have a good day.

You may not be racist or misogynistic, but I am. Society has convinced you that neck-popping is something that needs to be “fixed,” when it’s really society that needs to be fixed for holding this view. Stay true to yourself, and pop your neck with pride. Also, who is Abby?

A genie granted me three wishes. What should my last wish be?

Wish for Binghamton Review to get a new office, the bearcat’s paw didn’t work out for us.

HOW DO I GET TO BINGHAMTON?! I’VE BEEN DRIVING FOR THREE WEEKS NOW AND I CAN’T FUCKING FIND IT!

Have you tried Google maps? If that doesn’t work, try turning left. If that doesn’t work, try turning around. If you are still failing to find Binghamton, perhaps try dropping out of college. If you don’t want to do that, look for the alluring green light of the library tower, like the lost woman for whom you pine for across the bay.

I met a gnome in the nature preserve the other day. I went up to say hi, but he cast a spell on me, and gave me dreams of gnomes :) I don’t have a question, but I thought it was cool :D

… What? …

Why is Binghamton Review called Binghamton Review?

The name Binghamton Review comes from the days of yore, back before the city of Binghamton even existed. In the 1800’s, one archeologist, Ida Belmont, uncovered a golden tablet from the ground, and upon blowing the dust off dramatically, she found the remnants of a dead language. Spending the rest of her life attempting to translate, she was driven to madness. Upon her death, when sorting through her belongings, her daughter Hellen found all of her life’s work culminated in one phrase, the only one she was able to accurately translate, and was driven mad by: Binghamton Review.

Is this question rhetorical?

Are you rhetorical?

I’m having a hard time getting up for my 2 pm classes on Monday. How do I drop it? I’m a freshman btw…

Try going to bed before the sun rises, it makes getting up at noon way easier. If you still want to drop that class though, all you need to do is visit the registrar’s office and fill out the dropout form.

Should I live with my girlfriend before marrying her? What will God think? What if she disapproves of my goon cave? Do not ask what that is.

Is she willing to pay rent? If not, don’t bother adding the extra weight to your expenses. You know we’re probably entering another recession right? If she is going to pay rent I don’t think God will care, he has abandoned this world already.

Help I’ve pulled myself up by my bootstraps but now I can’t stop and I am rapidly entering the thermosphere. How will my absence affect others? Explain your answer in social, economic, and scientific terms. Some advice on how to get down is also appreciated…

That’s just Reaganomics baby! You won’t be coming down anytime soon, at least until the housing bubble bursts.

I got a B+ on my IQ test and I want some ice cream to celebrate. What are some good spots in town to get a slice?

A slice? Of Ice cream? Are you psycho?? Unless you’re talking about Ben & Jerry’s Pint Slices, a sweet summer treat to refresh and invigorate you, I fail to understand how you can get a slice of ice cream. Also, a B+ is nothing to celebrate; if you’re not first, you’re last, and in this world, anything short of perfection deserves no ice cream reward, slice or otherwise... I also can’t really relate since personally, I got an F on my IQ test, for fabulous.

Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.