4 minute read
Advice Column by Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
Advice Column
By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
Advertisement
Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“How do I stop being so horny all the time? (I am horny ALL THE TIME)”
I think you should try a little thing I invented called “pavlovian conditioning.” Attach yourself with electrodes, and every time you see something arousing or feel this “horny” you speak of (couldn’t be me), you’re going to have to have someone shock you. By the time you’re done, you’ll have effectively replaced “horny” with “fear,” which will probably put you in some dangerous situations later on. Also, don’t watch A Clockwork Orange. That won’t help you with this.
“What should I do if I’m in love with the managing editor?”
If you’re in love with me, you should probably buy me chai tea. We can play UNO until you realize I am REALLY not the right person to be in love with. Suddenly, in the throes of disappointment, we will develop an unsuspecting friendship, which will be nice for around 3 months, as over time you will come to resent me. By the time you come to terms with these hateful feelings, I will have already prepared to dispose of you. Goodbye, old friend. Goodbye.
“Am I a sex addict?”
If you have to ask, you definitely are. But don’t fret! You can either embrace your addiction and delve further down that rabbit hole, or you can seek treatment. Writing for the Bing Review should cure that problem right away!
“About two times I have been denied access to the union bathroom due to the “refilling of the condoms.” Why does this happen? “
This happens because I’ve been compulsively stealing the condoms out of those bathrooms. Then I sell them at market price to the gullible freshmen who actually believe they’ll be losing their virginity before the condoms expire. “Remember me as you pass by, as you are now, so once was I.”
“Is it worth it to just marry an old, lonely, rich person and collect the inheritance money when they die?”
Absolutely! Despite the obvious downsides (i.e. the fact that they are old) there are actually benefits to pursuing old, lonely, rich people. One, since they are old, you will be able to spend nights partying and gobbling glizzies galore because they will be going to bed early. They’re also really forgetful, so they won’t even remember that is was you that slowly poisoned them over the course of a year. At that point, you can go about your now richer life or you could pursue more old, lonely people to increase your wealth status. Happy hunting of those cougars or silver foxes, sport.
“I only have one way to relieve stress, sadness, and help my headaches, which is by ‘jerkin-it,’ which I do multiple times a day. Do I masturbate too much and, if so, what are other ways to help these ailments?”
First of all, there is no such thing as “too much masturbating,” unless you fuck up and pull a Louis C.K. Either way, you should probably have some backup stress-relief strategies in case you ever lose your hands in some freak explosion. Maybe try lighting a candle, taking a bath, and drinking a Danimal’s yogurt drink. Alternatively, you could enjoy a different type of good nut, such as a “pistachio.” For your headaches, you could try opiates. I hear they have ensnared the nation with their effectiveness. And lastly, for sadness… if I knew I probably wouldn’t be running this advice column right now.
“What’s the best way to spend Valentine’s Day if you aren’t in a relationship? Asking for a friend.”
Well, I’d tell “your friend,” that they sound like a lonely mfer. They should probably spend Valentine’s Day planning the best route to leave their sad, sad, lonely life and find a farm upstate to relocate to.
“I kinda blew it with my crush (pun intended). How do I stop missing them?”
Did you blow it hard (see what I did there)? If yes, and if you did fuck it up beyond repair, I would try and focus on something else to distract you. Personally, my favorite distraction is watching the movie Aladdin and laughing hysterically at everything Iago says. “If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers. Bam! Whack!” Holy shit. I lose my mind.
“I have been feeling very insecure about my penis lately but my friends say I have nothing to worry about… So I ask you this; What is the ideal penis size?”
