17 minute read
How to Give Head Like a Pink Haired Girl by Sara Traynor
How To Give Head Like A
By Sara Traynor
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Love is in the air this Valentine’s season. But after the roses are purchased and the chocolate is eaten, it all comes down to this: can you give head like a pink-haired girl? If you want to up your blowjob game, these five special tips will definitely help.
1). Eye Contact
Rule Number One of giving great blowjobs is making eye contact. Men love it when you blankly stare into their eyes while going down on them; it tells them that you gazed into the face of the void, and that the void unabashedly stared back. Never break eye contact. Never back down. You can’t blink. You can’t look away. Show him the bleak future of our universe through your eyes’ cold expression. He will see the brutal yet beautiful darkness of space in your pupils, and through his terror, he will reach understanding. political statement! Men love a powerful woman that knows how to shake things up. Chomp on the tip of his penis 100 times, as revenge for women only gaining the right to vote in America 100 years ago. He’ll never forget you! he screams and tries to run away, force him to sit back down, and start chanting in Latin as a way to comfort him. Once he hears you hoarsely whisper the words tuum gladium Veneri sacrificābo in nominē amōris in his ear, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you.
5). Use Your Hands
Any seasoned Blowjob Giver knows that using your hands - all of your hands - makes a world of difference. And no, I’m not just referring to your right and your left. I mean the secret hands. You know what I mean. The extra appendages you were gifted by Martians that fateful night? Beautiful. The custom-made severed hands you keep in the basement for special occasions? Perfect. When giving a blowjob, all hands need to be on deck (pun intended). When your boyfriend sees a green hand emerging from your chest, ready to grab his penis and tear it in half, he’ll know just how dedicated you are to giving him the best head of his life!
Now that you’ve got these skills under your belt, you’re sure to impress your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and beyond. Giving head like a pink-haired girl has never been easier!
2). Get Freaky With It!
If you want to give an unforgettable, life-changing blowjob, you’ve got to get freaky with it. Don’t be shy: bite it! Bite down on his dick as hard as you possibly can. Treat his penis like banana Laffy Taffy, and don’t stop until you’ve chewed every last bit. You know you’re doing something right when his penis is a bloody pulp by the time you’re finished.
Pink Haired Girl
3). Take Off Your Clothes
By clothes, I mean the uncomfortable suit of fake human flesh you’ve been wearing since you were born. Bare all. Show him that you’re a genetically engineered, superintelligent lizard, and that lizards can do anything humans can do, like give great sloppy toppy and run the government. And, if he tries any funny business, lick your scaly lips and show him that you will bite off his head and tear apart his scrumptious human meat with your brethren.
4). Surprise Him
Nothing gets a man going like a sexy surprise. You could take the basic route and go down on him while wearing a sexy maid outfit, but unpredictability is key. Instead, try something new and exciting! Pour the bucket of warm blood you keep in your closet for special occasions on his head. If and when
Sexy-Spy-Times
By Julius Apostata
Picture this scenario: you’re a political candidate for the United States House of Representatives in 2014. Maybe you were elected back in 2012 and you’re running a reelection campaign. And, for the sake of argument, you need money. Naturally, your campaign needs to raise funds so you can get back in office and grow your powerbase. So you do just that; holding fundraising events and telling everyone that they should donate to your political cause. During one of these events, while you are going about your business, you meet her: a gorgeous bombshell with beautiful eyes and a wonderful smile. Not only do you hit it off with her, but she tells you that she’d love to help you and that she’s been active in other political campaigns before. You look at her amazing figure, her experience working in other political campaigns, and raised a very sexy question: what is the history of “honey traps’’, as they are called? And what role do US adversaries such as China play in these operations?
To minimize confusion in this article, “honey trap” or sexual espionage refers to using sexual intercourse or charm to achieve a political goal, often done subversively. Many of us may assume that sexual espionage is a relatively recent phenomenon, yet in reality, the practice of using intimacy as a means of achieving personal or political goals is as ancient as history itself. In fact, examples of this can even be found in religious texts; in Judges 16, a form of sexual espionage is performed, with the “spy” Delilah using her charm to find out the secret of Samson’s great strength for the Philistines. Another biblical example can be found in the downfall of the Canaanite commander Sisera. Under the Prophetess Deborah, the Israelites smashed the Canaanites in battle, forcing Sisera to flee. However, Deborah predicts that the honor of killing the oppressive commander will go to a woman; upon fleeing the battle, Sisera seeks refuge from a woman named Yael. Yael, secretly working for the Israelites, gives Sisera milk and, according to the Talmud, has sexual intercourse with Sisera seven times to tire him out. Afterwards, Yael drives a peg straight through Sisera’s head while he sleeps, killing him and fulfilling Deborah’s prophecy. Perhaps one of the most famous examples of an ancient “honey trap” not written into the Bible can be found in the tale of Cleopatra. The final Ptolemaic dynasty member to rule Egypt, Cleopatra was well-aware that her position on the throne was precarious; early into her rule, she was in a power dispute with her brother (and husband, ew!) Ptolemy XIII and had to deal with the ever-encroaching threat of Rome under its new dictator, Julius Caesar. Thus, in both a stroke of brilliance and political cunning, Cleopatra smuggles herself to Caesar’s quarters, supposedly in a rug, to seduce him. Upon doing just that, the pair overthrew Ptolemy XIII, installed Cleopatra as the de-facto ruler of Egypt, and later had a son named Caesarion. This seduction scheme by Cleopatra was a highly calculated political move for multiple reasons. Firstly, it secured Cleopatra’s position of power within Egypt as the sole queen of the region. Secondly, it allowed her to momentarily contain the expansionist Romans by charming Caesar. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, the son she had with Caesar gave Cleopatra a legitimate claim for succession from Caesar to Caesarion. In fact, that’s exactly what happened following Caesar’s assassination! After charming one of Caesar’s closest associates,
your campaign finances and agree. For a while, she works as a “bundler”, making sure to tell rich donors that you have their interests at heart. And, after a long-fought campaign, you win! But that apple of your eye isn’t going anywhere; she sticks around for a bit, recommending an intern to work in your office. Perhaps you got to see a little more of that body she has through a...private meeting, although we don’t know for sure. What can be confirmed is that she suddenly leaves you in 2015, and five years later you learn that she was likely a Chinese spy. Needless to say, you may have been thinking with the wrong head, and now you are in a world of trouble. Although hot and steamy political sex scandals like this seem far-fetched, this scenario has Marc Anthony, Cleopatra issued a declaration called The Donations of Alexandria, essentially granting Roman lands to Cleopatra’s children and naming Caesarion as the heir to Caesar’s will. Of course, Caesar already had an heir, his grand-nephew Octavian, and a civil war would foil her plan, yet this also shows how Cleopatra was able to use her charm and beauty to achieve practical political objectives.
In contemporary history, female spies have been a source of valuable intel for their benefactors, and have thus been extremely influential in
determining the course of events in wartime. For example, during the Civil War, both the Union and Confederacy employed the use of women who would go behind enemy lines and would charm their way into getting information out of high-ranking officers. A famous example of this was the Confederate spy Rose O’Neal Greenhow, who operated right in Washington D.C. Not only did she operate a vast spy network, but her seduction of figures like Senator Henry D. Wilson resulted in the Confederacy gaining early insight into the battle plans of the Union, resulting in their victory in the First Battle of Bull Run. Likewise, the intel brought about by the spy and abolitionist Elizabeth Van Lew was invaluable for the Union to eventually defeat the Confederacy. While many sexy-spy-times occurred later on during the First and Second World War, it would be during the Cold War that the United States and the Soviet Union would step up their sexual espionage game. Considering the fact that an actual war between the two superpowers would likely result in the complete annihilation of mankind, the USSR and USA doubled their efforts in espionage, meaning, of course, more sexpionage. The Soviets had the upper hand in this, to some extent; according to both former CIA officer Jason Matthews and former KGB senior officer Oleg Kalugin, the USSR would persuade potential sexpionage recruits with greater luxuries as well as training these recruits at schools such as the creatively named Lenin Technical School or State School 4. Here, “swallows” (or “ravens”, for the male counterparts) would learn how to ensnare American tourists, soldiers, politicians, and even intelligence operatives into a lust-fueled passion. With the target being caught with their pants between their ankles, the jig would be up, and the target would be offered a chance to either work as an informant for the KGB or risk public disgrace. An example of this would be how the KGB recruited Edward Ellis Smith, a CIA operative working in Moscow. A reckless agent, the KGB had a “maid” seduce Smith, which resulted in his termination by the CIA and recruitment by the Soviets to root out spies within its ranks. Another example of a honey trap was when the KGB tried to blackmail French Colonel Louis Guibaud regarding his affair with a Soviet swallow, leading to his suicide in 1962. It wasn’t like the CIA was clueless about these tactics; under the amazingly sexy program “Operation Midnight Climax” (yes, that was the real name), the CIA used the allure of brothels to recruit unwitting participants into
testing LSD and other mind-altering drugs.
Of course, with the USSR no longer being a thing, new rivals have sprung up to fill that sexy-spy-time void: China! As one of the fastest growing economic and political powers in the world, China’s rise on the world stage has led to another “Cold War”, per say. More specifically, both the United States and China have increased surveillance on one another, with tensions being inflamed in the early 2010s over the discovery of CIA assets within the Chinese Communist Party, military, and government, according to Foreign Policy. One way that China has done this was through the use of swallows. Remember how in the opening paragraph of this article I began with a hypothetical scenario? Turns out this actually happened! Enter: Christine Fang, an officer in China’s Ministry of State Security. Starting in 2011 as a political operative, Fang first started small, working on multiple fundraising campaigns and networking opportunities to get herself into contact with several officials. From here, she is confirmed to have charmed her way to eventually sleeping with two Midwestern mayors, according to Axios. Fang then met House Representative Eric Swalwell (D-Calif.) at a fundraising campaign for his reelection. An up-and-coming politician, Swalwell would later go on to be on the House Intelligence Committee. Needless to say, the two may have been close, although it hasn’t been confirmed that they have had sexual intercourse or that Swalwell gave up any classified information. What is guaranteed, however, is that the FBI has opened up an investigation into the matter, and is resulting in some representatives calling for Swalwell’s removal from the House Intelligence Committee. Of course, using swallows isn’t the only tool that China has in its arsenal; the authoritarian state has made many ways of committing espionage within the United States and elsewhere. However, it should be noted that Fang is likely not the only Chinese agent embedded within the United States, as current intelligence officials estimate that there are many more.
Sex, as it turns out, is a shockingly powerful tool for retrieving intel from a target. It also seems in line with human nature; the wanton desire created by lust has allowed “honey traps” to proliferate throughout history. Nowadays, the threat of a swallow may come from China, but in reality sexpionage has been a consistent tool in every spy’s arsenal. Whether this leads to the collapse of Eric Swalwell’s political career is uncertain. What is certain is the fact that China is already here. Maybe that one you’re seeing is secretly working for a hostile foreign power. Who knows? I know one thing, though: there’s definitely gonna be more sexy-spy-times, for sure.
Sex Survey Results
By Our Staff
Every February, every publication releases a sex survey for the month of love. Unfortunately, both Pipe Dream and Free Press have not released any sort of survey at the time of writing this. But never fear! Binghamton Review has conducted its own survey amongst its staff, and is going to share it publically! Now, your curiousity or preconcieved notions about us can be satisfied. The results are as follows:
Have Anal Sex, Bigot!
By Patrick McAuliffe
Straight men of the world, have you ever wished that your girlfriend or friend with benefits would attach a silicone penis to their pelvis and introduce you to the wide world of pegging? Have you ever wanted to introduce the concept of a prostate orgasm to your partner of any sex, but don’t know how to go about it? Have you ever, for once in your life, thought about how your participation in heterosexual sex upholds the oppressive partiarchy? Look no further, because Vice News is your source for all things butt stuff, with a healthy dose of preaching the virtue behind it.
Back in December of 2018, Vice published an article by Zing Tsjeng titled, “How to Give the Gift of a Perfect Orgasm”, just in time for Christmas. One might think the author would just desperately implore men to give a little back during the horizontal mambo, instead of blindly thrusting for 3 minutes before asking, “How many times did you cum, babe?”. Instead, it is a complete guide to achieving a prostate orgasm, better known as anal sex. “Experts” on the topic, such as sex toy inventor Adam Lewis and sex/relationships advisor Lianne Young, share their tips with Vice on where and how to position one’s fingers or sex toys in their partner’s anus to achieve this orgasm. Much like the G-spot on the top wall of a vagina, the prostate acts as the G-spot in the neighboring hole, specifically for men (female “prostates” are known as Skene’s glands and are in the urethra, not the anus). Stimulating female G-spots and male prostates are similar in the hand motions needed for orgasm, but when taking the dirt road, one must travel cautiously and with lots of lube and communication. Chronologically, the next Vice article taking a stab at the topic came a year and a half later in May 2020, with “Straight Guys, Here’s Why You Should Give Pegging a Chance”. Cheeky, sarcastic, and full of slang like “shagging”, the disclaimer that it was first published on Vice UK hardly felt necessary. While 2018’s article may have taught the ins and outs (*chuckle*) of actually doing butt stuff, Vice UK’s Gina Tonic speaks more to broaching the topic with one’s partner, along with testimonials from male and female participants. Gillian Myhill, sex therapist and founder of the UK dating app BARE, grieves at the very end of the article that many men’s preconceived notions about sexuality and “embarrassment attached to cleanliness and shame” are the main reasons why they never even explore pegging, much less general anal play. Still, Myhill and Tonic aren’t as aggressive to convert heterosexuals to the butt life as the article’s title may suggest; the piece is merely a guide to navigating one’s urges with their partner should they have them. The suggestions that doing so will radicalize one’s sex life are frequent and in plain view, but there is very little non-kinkshaming.
July 2020 brought a tag team of articles on pegging just 11 days from each other: “How to Get into Pegging, According to Queer Women” and “Pegging Is the Newest TikTok Trend”. The first is much like 2018’s article, with relatively unbiased advice on pegging and its benefits polled from women performing the deed on other women. The #pegallmen2020 TikTok trend and the reporting about it, however, make for a major turn-off and worrisome dialogue around the topic. The best context for the paragraph I take issue with is simply the paragraph itself: “Videos range from genuine desire to tongue-in-cheek jests that lightly take the piss out of straight guys who find it emasculating. “Tough talk for someone within pegging distance” is just one of the popular “sounds” used by women and non-binary people on pegging TikTok, and normally accompanies a text description of something problematic a cis-het guy has said or done. Is it a threat? Quite possibly. But is it hilarious? Absolutely.”
Hilarious, right? Say or do something I find offensive, and I’ll shove a dildo in your ass. The rest of the article contains testimonials from three members of “pegging TikTok”, none of whom, I should mention, are over 20 years old at the time of publishing. Their support for the hashtag comes from a variety of places, whether to express their own sexual preferences, encourage curious members of their audience, and, of my highest concern, to destigmatize what sexual dynamics should be in a heterosexual relationship. James, 19, begins his testimony with the header “It’s very easy to make fun of toxic masculinity while also empowering women!” If not wanting to be pegged is a part of some higher toxic masculinity, call me Chernobyl.
Opening the cheeks of pegging discourse can be valuable for those that have questions about it, and a person that values liberty shouldn’t care what goes on in a bedroom that isn’t theirs. Where I draw the line is when people like James non-kinkshame, saying that if a man isn’t willing to try anal play, it makes them complicit in putting all women down. Find out what you and your partner want out of your sexual relationship, and make it work for you. Just because I personally don’t prefer to be like the wooden triangles at Cracker Barrel doesn’t mean that you can call me, or straight men like me, terrible people.
