3 minute read
Advice Column by Madeline Perez
Advice Column
By Madeline Perez
Advertisement
Ioffered to give you all life advice, these were your questions.
“I have been breaking out in hives for almost a month. I don’t want to go to the doctor because it’s not that bad. What do I do?”
It seems simple enough to me. Just stop keeping bees and surely there will be no more hives. You’re welcome.
“Hello, recently my ex-boyfriend’s best friend has been hitting on me over snapchat. I have ghosted him, roasted him, and told him off multiple times and he has still not gotten the hint. The other day he sent me a selfie in the tub, very casually. What should I do?”
If he sends a photo in a bathtub, simply send him a picture of a toaster. Hopefully, he’ll get the hint!
“Today in my class, my professor told me that E-books were unacceptable to use and that I must purchase physical copies. I have already spent so much on textbooks, including digital versions of these same texts. Should I try to make do, or just suck it up and buy them again?”
Your teacher sounds like a real penis–and that means you should NOT suck it up. If he really needs some physical textbook action I would print out some pages of your digital textbook pages and use them for ransom note explaining how you’re holding their family hostage. But let’s be real here, are you even going to read the textbooks in the first place?
“Yo. For several years I was in an abusive relationship with what was my best friend. It took away a lot of who I thought I was, and I don’t know who I am anymore. Due to this reason, I suffer from a number of mental problems. I am currently receiving treatment but it’s hard sometimes. So I come to you with the sole question: what should I have for dinner?”
I think pizza is always a great choice! Cheesy, saucy, and full of happy feelings.
“The other day I farted in class. I don’t wanna go into too much detail, but it was loud, and certainly disruptive. The professor stopped talking, and everybody looked at me. I feel so terrible. How can I fix my academic career after this devastating blow?”
There is no way to quickly recover from an incident as severe as this. At best, you will have to drop out, take a gap year or two, and then, just maybe, you could return to college at a different university. Also, I’ll show you a devastating blow.
“Should I wait until the semester is over to ask out my TA? Asking for a friend.”
No, ask them out now. Embrace the alpha mindset and not only will you get an A, but you’ll get the D as well.
“I have been so swamped with schoolwork that I have not had any opportunity to relax or pursue any of my hobbies. It’s only day 2 of the semester. I wish this was a joke. What do you recommend?”
Oh you silly student, do you not see: schoolwork IS your hobby!
“I have BPD and I lost a Mario Kart match with my roommate. How do I not explode on them?”
By explode, do you mean violently or sexually? The DSM-5 isn’t clarifying.
“Hello there, I recently discovered fungus growing in my dorm refrigerator. One of my roommates left tomato sauce in here all over winter break. How do I handle this?”
Since your roommate was the culprit who left the sauce out, I think you should surprise them with a special spaghetti snack! If you’d rather not go the poison route, embrace it: nature is healing and has reclaimed your fridge.
“My friend really wants to make me watch Euphoria but I really have no interest. What should I say to her? I really can’t stand Zendaya.”
Just explain to her how Euphoria portrays kids in highschool as naked adults. There are so many titties, peepees, and unsatifying sex that I normally get confused whether I’m watching an HBO show or your mom.
“I was playing Among Us, and I met someone really cool. They got booted from the game and I really miss them. How do you suggest finding them again?”
