Advice Column

I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

Why is everyone drunk and wearing green?

Because people insist on appropriating Irish culture to justify their binge drinking and debauchery. I should know, I am an Irish American and thus totally 100% Irish and in no way also appropriating actual Irish culture.

How do I do my taxes this season?

I’ll give you a quick and easy way to finish your taxes this season. First, get all the necessary tax forms that apply to you. Second, start making up any and all information those forms ask for. Third, make sure you never open your door to a stranger again (it could be an IRS agent coming to get you!!!). Fourth (and finally), escape the country on your boat where you will have an “unfortunate accident.” Congrats, now you never need to pay taxes again.

What time is it?

Time to get a watch! In all seriousness, it’s 25:60 AM.

I’d like to tell you a little story and I need you to tell me what you think of it. The other day, I wanted to go to Endicott, but the bus to Endicott was closed down—electrical interfetterence or something like that—so I resolved to walk to old Endicott, the city of future dreams. Now, I don’t know if you know what I know, but Endicott is a little more than a stone’s throw away from Binghamton University, so this walk was going to take me a while, especially with my bum leg from the war (Korean). So I’m sorry, but I just can’t walk as fast as some of these crazy kids these days can. But anyway, I walk to Endicott and it started getting really dark (it was like, 4 pm), and I started to get scared because some intimidating looking people were walking up to me. Now, the reason I needed to go to Endicott was because there was something I needed to get: and that thing was cookies. I really like cookies; I eat them every day. Endicott has good cookies. So anyway, this gang of people was walking up to me, and I yelled, “Step into the light!” And they did, and they were girl scouts… selling cookies. So I bought some cookies and walked home because they had my favorites: Trefoils. So my question was, where’s another good place to get cookies?

Target

How many tabs do you have open rn (right now)?

Eight google docs, a Gmail email account, a google drive, Apple Music, a crossword maker, my twitter account, and my GroupMe.

Why do we have to suffer in life?

Written by our Staff

To please our Lord and Savior Harvey Stenger.

Would you consider life to be fair?

No, but I also don’t consider much of anything to be fair. If life didn’t have any hardships there would be no reason to ever seek improving oneself. Don’t think about life as unfair, instead look at life as a challenge to improve oneself. If the glass is half full instead of half empty, you can find joy in almost anything. Oh wait, this is supposed to be funny. Yeah, life is fair for everyone but you. I’m rigging the cards of life against you specifically.

A woman pulled me aside in that corner of Bartle Library where everybody smokes and told me to “Beware the Ides of March!” What did she mean by this?

Much like the classic Caesar Salad, you are about to be stabbed.

How do I get my creative juices flowing again?

I don’t know but if you find out please tell me. I’m desperate to regain my creative edge.

I was doing a project with two women and while making conversation with them I had to repress my intrusive thoughts about bringing up esoteric topics like 4chan chudjaks and FNAF remnant theories or using the word “based” in every reply. Help?

The first step would be to establish contact with the human-sunlight-grass trifecta on a daily basis, as you are clearly terminally online. The next step would be to actually develop a personality, any would do, to be honest. Maybe take up knitting? The final step is to realize women aren’t real so there is nothing to be worried about.

I keep losing arguments in my head. How do I start winning them?

You need more confidence. If you don’t believe you will win an argument, you will never make up enough evidence to convince other people you are correct. Make sure your splintered personalities know who is the boss in your head, otherwise everything will just get stuck in committee.

I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. What should I ask for?

Probably a haircut. Alternatively you can ask for their hand in marriage, but I’m not sure how well that will be received on such a sudden basis.

Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.