Advice Column by Our Staff

Advice Column

Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

Egads, my Thanksgiving roast is ruined! What am I to do?

What if you were to purchase cat food and disguise it as your own cooking? Probably better than Nana’s pot roast, I’ll tell you that.

Let’s say, completely hypothetically, that I just so happened to discover a cult in the basement of the Newing dining hall, performing some grody human sacrifices. Should I stop them? How would I? What if someone in Binghamton Review was there, pulling the lever that lowered some poor Harpur freshman into the lava?

We assure you, dear reader, that these advice column questions are completely fabricated for comedic purposes. There are not, and have never been, true questions in the advice column.

I’m going home to a politically divided family for Thanksgiving. My dad and I are republicans; my mom and sister are democrats. My grandpa browses the weird hard-right catholic part of the internet, and my grandma reads Glenn Greenwald. What should I expect? How do I cope? This is not a joke.

Well, if your family loves each other, there realistically won’t be a problem. That’s where you come in. You should start as many pointless arguments as possible—make it so your family never wants to be near each other again. Then you never have to worry about what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner in the future, giving you more time for that deranged shit in the Homework Folder you’ve been meaning to try.

Ok so last Thanksgiving, I decided to bring my anthropomorphic My-Little-Pony-inspired furry-fleshy animatronic sex doll 3000 with extra hyper-realistic moans built-in to dinner. My family’s pretty chill, so I was expecting her to be an interesting conversation piece, but to my surprise, nobody talked much. I don’t have much of a question here. I just want to know, do you think that I should buy the upgraded 4000 model this year?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving-themed flick?

Madeline: Freebirds Dillon: Groundhog’s Day Shayne: ThanksKilling Arthur: Halloween Sid: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Written by our Staff

It’s November and I haven’t heard Mary Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You nearly enough. How do I get into the Christmas spirit before it’s too late?

I hope you burn in hell.

What are some good Thanksgiving pick-up lines for when I’m going to Sizzler that night?

What the fuck is a sizzler? Is that some special type of grill? Just cook the turkey in the oven like a normal person. If you need pickup lines while cooking Thanksgiving dinner, here are some suggestions. “These mashed potatoes aren’t the only thing I’ll be sticking my dick in tonight.” “Out of all of this food on the table, you’re the only thing I’m interested in eating.” “You look taller, cousin!”

Do you ever just… drink the ethanol they use to sanitize stuff?

Are you saying you don’t drink it? I can’t help but down the stuff whenever I see it. Like the artificial sugar of a diet Pepsi, it just burns so good. Although, since I went blind I can’t pursue this pastime any more. I can only locate it by smell which has proven much more difficult.

My wife has been yelling at me ever since I left my kid at the Rat on Court Street, but in my defense, the kid had bad vibes tbh. How do I get her to see this?

Show your wife all the ways your child is better off at the Rat. Constant food, drink, and shelter, education opportunities with all the college students around, plenty of work opportunities… Plus he’ll be cool af after railing all that coke.

How do I keep Donald Trump distracted for the next two months while the Georgia Runoffs happen?

Carrot and stick.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

No. I’m a person, not a day. Also, I would be an autumn day, because I’m falling for you. ;)

I keep hearing my name in crowds, but nobody’s there to say it. I keep seeing shadows move, but there’s nothing there to cast it. How do I answer the call of my psyche?

Clearly, you need to lay off the meds for a few days. You can’t answer your psyche if you’re inhibiting your own abilities.

Should Everyone Vote?

By Arthur O’Sullivan

Much like that time when I slept with my girlfriend’s twin, I have two important questions:

1. Should everyone have the right to vote? 2. Should each person with the right to vote do so?

As confused as the Smith sisters were when I asked them last March, I am nevertheless confident that these questions are essential to the proper functioning of our American democracy.

In case you haven’t noticed, we had an election last week, where DEMOCRACY IS AT STAKE, if democratic (the party, not the eternal concept) messaging is to be believed. Exciting stuff, ain’t it? The one problem is that, although this issue comes out after the election, I have to write this baby before then. So I don’t know whether republicunts will retake Congress, destroying the democraps’ peaceful and prosperous paradise which they created over these past two years under glorious chairman Biden, who makes the sun shine and the rain fall upon our amber waves of grain. I don’t know whether the tyrant femfash pansy Hochul will be ousted by Ayatollah Zeldin, who will spend all of January purging New York of the concept of women, restoring this august state to the homosexual-Sharia-pilled paradise it once was. I don’t know that anything will happen, and if you think that I’m going to write multiple drafts—or worse, edit this logorrheic mess of an article—on or just before production night to account for whatever happens, well, you can go join Binghamton Review getting an office and a Harpur Student entering the Kingdom of Heaven in the “things that will never happen” corner…

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, voting. Again, if you haven’t noticed, there was an election last week, and you may have been told somewhere between ten and ten quadrillion times to “register to vote guyssss!” or “remember to apply for an absentee ballot folx!” or some variation on the theme that no matter how little you know about politics, it is not only your right but your moral imperative to vote (for democrats). Well, that parenthetical jab isn’t entirely fair: Republicans are plenty enthusiastic about “energizing the base” in demographics with lower voter turnout on average. Although the old people of the greatest and the silent generation have long been loyal to the right (and have nothing else to do in their senescence other than get angry about stuff they read on weird right-wing internet sites), they’re beginning to die and get replaced by the baby boomers, who somewhere in their LSD-from-thesixties-addled mind are still able to form the thought “It’s election day. I better vote for Hubert Humphrey or else that crook Nixon will win!” Thus, republicans are forced to play the game of getting stupid and ideological young people to vote for them, too!

Which brings me to the crux of this article (ok it doesn’t, but I’ve already gone on two incoherent tangents and I’m running out of space): if we want to maintain a functional democratic system in this country, we need to iron out a few wrinkles in our present attitudes towards voting. Hence, I ask the two questions which began this article; hence, I shall end this article with their answers.

The first question “Should everyone have the right to vote?” is easy enough. Yes.* Next question. (*Assuming you are a citizen of this country. I don’t see why Bashar Al-Assad should be allowed to vote for our politicians. One could also argue about edge cases such as incarcerated felons and non-naturalized children of illegal immigrants, but still, our “representative democracy” by definition will not be representative without at least near-universal suffrage.)

The second question, “Should everyone with the right to vote do so?” is a little more interesting. I’ve already described the present dogma preached from the pulpits of Instagram by the priestly “influencers” to their youthful parishioners, which reprove the refusal to vote as “supporting one’s opponents” (coincidentally, the same as the influencer’s). Third-party voting is similarly out of the question, since everyone knows that a major party never tries to regain potential voters (he said, sarcasm dripping from his pen like blood from his lips). But should we take these dogmas as, well, dogma? Will DEMOCRACYTM perish without Joe Fratboy skipping his Tuesday morning Sociology class to vote for “the one that gets me the most bitches lmao”? I vote nay.

The idea that everyone, especially young people, needs to vote is a convenient fiction spun up by desperate partisan hacks to win short-term political victories at the expense of long-term political sanity. When every election since Adams becomes the EXISTENTIAL BATTLE FOR DEMOCRACY, those without the historical knowledge to see through the derangement (i.e. young people and baby boomers) will themselves become deranged. To

“It’s election day. I better vote for Hubert Humphrey or else that crook Nixon will win!”

force everyone to vote, regardless of their political or practical knowledge, dilutes the votes of those with practical and concrete interests (say, the carpenter who votes for a Democratic congressman to expand Medicaid, but a Republican mayor to curb crime) with those of half-baked ideological motives (say, the B.U. freshman who took an anthropology class). Unmooring politics from practicality likewise unmoors the polis from sanity. This may allow for short-term political victories for ideologues. Still, to those I say, “but for Biden?” Happy Thanksgiving, and go Jets!