Advice Column by Madeline Perez

Advice Column

By Madeline Perez

Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

“I suffer from 8:30 AM class syndrome and I stay up too late to get up at a reasonable time. How do I make breakfast in 5 minutes or less?”

Easy. This question is so easy that I’m actually going to take it one step further. I will teach you how to prepare and eat breakfast in less than 5 seconds. Firstly, invest in a lot of apples. Fill your fridge. Or your pantry. I don’t know where you keep your apples and I’m not here to judge. Anyway, what you’re going to want to do is, over the course of a few weeks, train your jaw to open as wide as it can; enough so that you can easily fit your first inside your mouth. Now, start with the smallest apples. Slow and steady. You are entirely capable of eating an entire apple in one bite. If you need to oil them first, quickly dip them and then swallow them whole. Your stomach will take care of the rest. Bam. Now you can get to class and shave 4 minutes and 55 seconds off your morning routine.

“I broke up with my boyfriend recently and I have a lot of free time on my hands that I don’t know what to do with. Do you have any suggestions that could fill the void? “

Hey girl, good question! I often find myself in similar predicaments, eager to ease my boredom and empty feelings when nothing seems good enough to satiate my emotional appetite. If you want my true and honest answer, listen carefully. In 2010, Hasbro games released a “new spin” on their much beloved “Sorry!” board game. “Sorry! Spin” is a simple yet enthralling game designed to capture your attention and hold it captive indefinitely. Just kidnap one to three of your closest friends, choose a color, and let the neverending excitement begin. Just make sure not to draw a “spin card,”-- I heard those can be a doozy.

“What is the correct way to fold a slice of pizza?”

At first, I thought this was a personal jab at me since I have often been made fun of for “eating pizza weird.” Then I had to think about whether or not you’ve ever seen me eat pizza in person, if you would remember it if you did, and if you were cruel enough to try to publicly shame me. I don’t care, I know the way I eat pizza is correct. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Wait, so how do you fold your pizza, Madeline? Also, I love you.” Well, I love you too, random person--and it’s simple really. I don’t necessarily enjoy pizza crust, but I don’t want to waste my food. So, after I eat some of the good part of the pizza, I fold it over horizontally so that the crust is folded over into the cheesy, tomatoey, flavorful part. Then I eat it like a hot dog. No, I will not be taking criticism.

“I live in a suite with 5 other people, and one of my roommates keeps cumming on the bathroom floor. I’m too embarrassed to address the entire group, but I stepped in it yesterday barefoot, and I’m going to lose my shit. How do I discover which one of my roommates is the culprit and how should I confront them once I find out!”

You see, this sounds a lot like the hit game “Among Us,” in which the person cumming on the bathroom floor is the “impostor.” The best way to deal with this is to take intermittent votes about which roommate seems the most “sus” (suspicious, for all you non-gamers), and then eject them into the cold vacuum of space to freeze, alone. Since you stepped in the baby goo yourself, it only seems fair that whoever gets deemed guilty must also step in your spooge. Unless they’re into that. Then you squirt them with the spray bottle.

“If I was walking down the street drinking some form of Dr. Pepper, which would get me more ladies, diet or regular?”

Hmmm. Now that’s a hard one. After much deliberation and mathematical operations, I am confident that I have come to a conclusion. You see, when drinking Diet Dr. Peppie, you are signaling to the ladies that you care about calories, but not about the harmful aspartame residing within. This gives off an “I’d rather get cancer than be fat,” mentality, which the ladies may not vibe with. However, when you drink regular Dr. Peppie, you are signaling that you are not only aware that you’re drinking liquid calories and are too based to care, but that you know that those sweet sweet peppie calories are going directly to increasing the girth of your penis. The ladies can sense this, and so drinking regular (Chad) Dr. Peppie is correlated with a significant increase in sex-having with women. You’re welcome.

Do you have life problems? Email Manager@binghamtonreview.com your question for consideration, and it might be featured in the next issue of Binghamton Review to help you, and people like you, with your fucked up lives and equally fucked up questions.