RESTRAINING DISAGREEMENTS

Arguments – who has not encountered them? They happen all the time, we call them by different names – quarrels, debatesspirited discussions, conflicts. Bottomline is - differences of opinion happen all the time.

Everyone has opinions on almost all topics, some of them are based on logic, emotions, preferences, life experiences. People are bound to have differences of opinion which doesn’t necessarily mean one person is

A. Disagree

B. Agree to Disagree

C. Agree to disagree with respect D. Disagree but commit

Lets’ dive deep into it –

A. Disagree – A rigid state of mind where conflicting parties have difference of opinion but none of them is ready to understand other’s perspective, a total roadblock. It’s my way or highway!

However, there's a big difference between just agree to disagree and disagreeing respectfully. Disagreements will cause hurt and add fuel to an already tense environment. But, the other approach? Disagreeing respectfully –can lead to new ideas, perspectives and a much more productive discussion. Another step to it is disagreeing but committing at the same time too. This one talks about our commitment even if our view point is not taken forward, termed as professional maturity.

Let’s explore them one by one –

B. Agree To Disagree – is a situation where both conflicting parties recognise that further arguments on a particular topic would be futile and ineffective. This does not mean we have to give up our opinion, we simply recognise other’s right to hold a different thought, we just agree not to argue about it and move on. It is about accepting that others would not be changing their mind and we show them respect by allowing them to hold a different opinion/perspective than ours. When we agree to disagree, we build peaceful and respectful relationships.

Tips while Agreeing to Disagree –

1. Show Respect For The Idea – To effectively disagree, we must be able to view the situation from the other’s point of view too. We must be open to new ideas and different ways of approaching problems and show them respect for their perspective even when we don’t agree to them. Making them feel seen and heard and validate their arguments is the key.

2. Delivery Matters – How to go about challenging a perspective is crucial. Having right perspective but coming across as being argumentative or too harsh in our approach can make us lose the battle. Delivery of our perspective matters. Endeavour should be protect the dignity, emotional safety and respect of others. Taking a pause and realigning our intentions to our goals can change the when, how and where we engage others.

3. Seek Opinion – It’s important to invite other’s opinion after introducing our perspective/argument. Others will feel heard and respected when we acknowledge and valuetheir perspective. Time should be spent to ask questions to understand others’ logics and perspective. Chances are that we will be heard better if we listen to others.

4. Responsible Advocacy – Advocating our perspective and challenges is as much necessary as is understanding others’ perspective. We must find a healthy balance between the two which in turn will allow collaboration and healthy dialogue and will make it easy for us to share our challenges too.

C. Agree to Disagree with Respect – Point to ponder on is how do we agree to disagree so that neither we lose the battle nor we give up our opinion. When we feel strongly about our stand, it's difficult to swallow our pride and walk away. But, it's the best thing we must do, sometimes. Disagreements are inevitable,but, there's definitely a wrong and a right way to present our own arguments and to counter the argument as well. So, here are some key tips for disagreeing with someone respectfully–

1. Make It Impersonal – Understanding that disagreement is not with an individual but is about a perspective which can be based on facts, experiences, prior successes or failures or purely on intuitions is crucial to make the disagreements respectful. It’s in our interest to focus on behaviour rather than personalities. Personal attacks, putting down someone is neither productive nor helpful. Successful argument depends upon how impersonal and focused they are.

2. Value Other’s Ideas And Beliefs – Respectful language, body gestures and behaviour goes a long way winning an argument. We must control our emotions and resists our temptation to yell, use sarcasm, make derogatory comments. It would help us winning a chance to put our point across. Respect begets respect and goes a long way towards finding a common ground.

3. "I" statements – Most effective ingredient in a disagreement is “I” statement. It’s a subtle attempt to prove that disagreement is not personal. Respectful language can positively convey our message making a huge difference in winning an argument.

4. Stay Calm – Most challenging in an argument always is to keep our emotions in check, stay calm and rational in an argument. When the other person gets charged up or when are too passionate about the topic, things can derail. Thinking through the conversation in advance helps. It releases some of the charge around the emotions and provides us control.

5. Intent Matters – Our intent as to what do we hope to get out of a disagreement should be clear. Clarity about our stand helps the conversations stays positive and productive.

6. Focus On Facts – Prioritising logic over emotions is a must for a respectful and compelling disagreement/argument. To support our argument careful emphasis on reasoning, facts, logics and information is important. This will help us appear more convincing and impersonal.

7. Rephrase For Understanding – Rephrasing is a good idea to better understand what others are saying in an argument. There may be a possibility that both sides are on the same page but misunderstanding each other. Asking questions is a useful

first step in opening a discussion. It helps building a foundation for us to challenge others’ point of view and keep the conversation solution-oriented.

8. Recognize the Good – Hardly is a suggestion that bad that we can't find a single nugget of wisdom there. Before launching our argument, if we preface it with something that we like about others’ suggestion, chances are that we win the confidence of the other party. This would help us in sharing our ideas in a friendly and collaborative way without coming across as accusatory.

9. Remember to Listen – Tuning the other person out in a conversation is never productive. Thus it is important to listen to others’ view points patiently. Chances are we end up finding a better solution that way. Asking curious questions will help us manage our assumption and perceived notions. Remaining calm and listening patiently can be difficult when emotion are high and arguments get tough. The more objective we are, smoother the communication would be.

10. Pick Your Battles – Disagreeing about everything, will project us as negative and difficult. We will end up developing reputation of being always argumentative and will lose worth of our arguments. Hence, it is important that we carefully pick areas that are meaningful and important for arguments/disagreement and leave a substantial impact on others.

When in disagreement, we have an opportunity to learn a new way to do things, which may be better and more efficient. Disagreements also help us think creatively. It’s not always possible to have an answer to everything straight away. Discussions in detail about the situation, intent listening helps us to think critically and challenge our own assumptions and perspectives that helps us learn and grow tremendously. We tend to push our own limits and think creatively when in disagreement.

And now the third one –

D. Disagree and Commit – Agree to disagree is fine when we’re debating topics which are not crucial but if we share the ownership of a decision, agree to disagree doesn’t work often. That’s when you might need to disagree and commit.

Here’s how:

1. Acknowledge & Announce The Situation – Its helpful we tell your teammates and the other side that we disagree with the situation/decision but prepared to commit to making it work. This way others’ would understand our stand point and would be prepared to a bit extra to get us on board. This would also help we not taking the ownership

of the decision but same time express our commitment for collaboration and cooperation.

2. Paraphrase – Ensuring that everyone understand what we are agreeing or committing to do is essential so that there are no gaps in expectations and later more misunderstanding because of these gaps. Spelling out clearly what we are committing to help people to understand what to expect as well.

3. Spelling Out Requirements – We don’t have to surrender totally just because we have agreed to the highway. It’s important for us to spell out clearly what our requirements are going to be like if we need to be fully committed to the decision taken. All road blocks or expected concerns need to be made known to others and should be put forward explicitly for own won comfort.

4. Highlight The Implications – Ensuring that our concerns have been heard by others, all perceived risks have been mitigated, is crucial. If its not possible to eliminate the risks, we must ensure that negative consequences at a later stage will not be thrown at us. Validation that we have been heard clearly be it risk involved or negative consequences is important to avoid blame game later.

We all live in ‘go along to get along’ culture which is a conflict avoidant culture. In such spaces, our willingness to disagree despite our discomfort makes us incredibly valuable because not many people would have the courage to stand against the winds. And if we pair that with a willingness to commit fully to the decision that we initially disagreed with, we will sure earn the respect of being the most reliable, valuable and indispensable individual.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Clearly state that there is a different view point ad substantiate it with logics, facts and figures.

• Rephrase and voice out the opposing point of view/decision so that we understand it clearly.

• Paraphrase your stand clearly, voice out risk involved and consequences attached and so that other understand it clearly.

• When committing for others decision, spell out clearly your expectations. Be open for a healthy dialogue.

• All this in a softer and respectful tone to calm down both parties involved.

Don’t:

• Assume that disagreement leads to damaging relationships or career, it does not happen if expressed properly.

• State your opinion or facts, and never attack someone personally to prove your point.

• Avoid passing judgments by using words like –wrong, foolish, stupid, hurried, hasty etc. This might incite the other party unnecessarily.

Bottom Line

Disagreement is not conflict and should not be treated that way. It is a normal part of any healthy relationship. Learning how to disagree respectfully makes us a better individual, teammate and a leader.

Disagreement upfront may be nerve-wracking, but if we have a clear view point based on logics and make it totally impersonal, in longer run it becomes our second nature. We then automatically know when and

how to speak up. Out team and colleagues too will know they can trust us to do the right thing in a righteous way.

Key Takeaways

• Disagree in a respectful manner helps maintain a positive working relationship and also earns us respect and credibility.

• When in disagreement, we must be professional, polite, respectful, impersonal and in-charge of our emotions.

• Reflection skills, listening skills, paraphrasing etc. are all put to test while in disagreement and win us the battle.

• Reaching a shared outcome or ground which suits both the parties will make the disagreement less contentious.

• Compromise but commit if necessary, this way we can still achieve a general agreement on a solution.

Disagreements lead us to negotiate and successful negotiations are all about reaching a probable, mutually beneficial outcome. We are trying to influence others to understand our point of view while trying to understand theirs. Arguments then helpus to understand others’ style of working, thinking and their priorities in life better. It also helps us to learn how to respect different viewpoints and perspectives.

Disagreement is not about getting into a fight or about unkindness or pulling someone down. It’s all about respecting perspective that are different from ours and learning how difference of opinions can lead to better outcomes. Assumption that disagreements lead to damaged relations is not correct. If we respect the other person, while safeguarding our self-respect, disagreements can fuel better work relations and performance even in disagreements.

Author Dr. Neeta Pant PhD in Clinical Psychology Honorary PhD in Social Work Senior HR Professional, Clinical Psychologist, Executive Life Coach, POSH & POCSO Trainer