How to Win People and Influence Friends

Written by Doug Breen, Superintendent, Golf North Properties.

In the dark ages before the internet gave us access to all the information in the world, while simultaneously creating an algorithm to ensure that we only saw the same ten things over and over again – we used to learn things from books. And if you learned something particularly interesting, you couldn’t tell people about it on Facebook, because Facebook was still being used by frat boys to rate the relative attractiveness of their classmates. For half of my life, there was no social media at all! (If a tree falls at the Masters, and no one posts a video, can the spectators nearby still sue?)

Instead, we actually told another human being that we had learned something. Often one person at a time - sometimes to their actual face! We had things called “book clubs”, which were much like an online chat group, except that everyone was in the same room, and we had to use our real names.

When I was in school, our English class (which is basically a book club where they give you a credit at the end), studied the 1930’s classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. This book could just as easily have been called, Stop Being Such a Tool to Everyone and Your Life Will be Easier. The book, which is still massively popular, could be summarized in the following three sentences: 1) Smile at people. 2) Let others talk about themselves.

3) Put people in a position where they can say “yes” to you.

What were they doing before this earthshattering work was published? Was everyone walking around scowling, ranting exclusively about their own interests, and asking people negative questions?

These things seem self evident to me - but apparently, they’re not.

I embarked on a two week, extremely unscientific poll, where I asked relatively random people the same question: “What techniques do you use to influence other people’s ideas and actions”? Most were colleagues from the world of golf or municipal government (which is where I spend 99% of my time). In both cases, the communication of ideas is integral to our existence, and I was expecting something more insightful than Dale Carnegie’s, “Don’t yell at people with your face” - I was wrong. Sadly, the most common responses were variations on the themes of intimidation and lying. What follows, is a summary of their responses: Many depend on good old-fashioned nagging. Featuring a combination of verbal assaults, passive aggressive emails, texts, and the like. If one says the same thing often enough, on enough platforms (IN ALL CAPS), people will eventually start to believe it. After 30 years of marriage, I have convinced my wife that she’s the luckiest woman in Canada. Gaslighting, is just nagging with the illusion of positivity.

There are ways to make yourself seem more informed than you really are. Make references to obscure publications, and then seem shocked that others aren’t familiar with them. Using exclusive language can really elevate one’s position while simultaneously implying disdain. Buzzwords, jargon, and acronyms are extremely effective - use Latin terms whenever possible. Instead of saying, “I traded some work on the deck for a bag of grass seed”, say, “I was able to negotiate a quid pro quo with the GC using packaged poa pratensis genetics”.

There is remarkable influence in pointing to one’s credentials. You can claim degrees, diplomas, or certificates from impressive sounding institutions – even if they don’t exist. No one will ever check to see if the Rockwood Centre for Turfgrass Propagation and Research is a real thing. Holding memberships in a professional association is no less impressive to the masses - even if The International Fellowship of Reel Maintenance Technicians isn’t a real organization. Remember the power of acronyms? Call it the IBRMT and claim to be a charter member.

If you lack your own credentials, or the creativity to make them up – one can always claim the authority of someone else. President Teddy Roosevelt confessed on his deathbed, that NASA never really went to the moon. No, he didn’t, he died 40 years before NASA was founded. See how that works? In truth, according to a Harvard University study, over 96% of facts on the internet are simply dreamed up by the Chinese Government. Also, not true – but see how easy that was?

Apparently, none of my friends and associates have read Dale Carnegie’s book, and rather than behaving in a positive way to win friends and influence people, they primarily use the techniques listed above. Spend five minutes reading online comments, and it’s clear that they aren’t alone. Most online discourse also includes a healthy dose of insults and beratement. This makes me sad – as I remember a time when healthy disagreement, and a lively debate were seen as the engine which drove democracy.

We could learn a lot about how to influence others’ ideas and actions from Dale Carnegie’s work, in spite of the book being nearly 100 years old, but unfortunately lies and intimidation seem to be the dominant style these days. As Ghandi said, “The internet should be the single greatest venue for public debate in the history of the world, yet I fear that it is the opposite.” No, he didn’t – it was me. ■