FOGHORN The
The magazine of the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK)
Issue 29
NEWS
FOGHORN The
THE FOGHORN Issue 29 Published in Great Britain by the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK) PCO Patrons Libby Purves Alan Coren CONTACTS AND COMMITTEE: President Andy Davey tel: +44 (0) 1223 517737 email: feco@andydavey.com Vice-President Alex Noel Watson tel: +44 (0) 20 8668 1134 Secretary John Roberts tel: +44 (0) 1565 633995 email: john@mad-badger.com Treasurer Alex Hughes email: alex.hughes @alexhughescartoons.co.uk Foghorn Co-Editor Bill Stott tel: +44 (0) 160 646002 email: billstott@lineone.net Foghorn Co-Editor International Liaison Officer Roger Penwill tel: +44 (0) 1584 711854 email: roger@penwill.com Foghorn Layout/Design Tim Harries tel: + 44 (0) 1633 780293 email: tim@timharries.co.uk Website co-ordinator Noel Ford tel: +44 (0) 7041 310211 email: laugh@noelford.co.uk Blog Editor Matt Buck tel: +44 (0) 1962 840216 email:matt@mattbuck.com Web info PCO (FECO UK) website: www.procartoonists.org FECO Worldwide: http://feco.info
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The magazine of the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK)
Remember “Tomorrow’s World”, the TV programme whereby we were amazed by technology? Velcro attached dentures, disposable dinner suits, and paperless offices? A quick glance at the magazine racks in my local Tesco suggests that its not happened yet. Thin, foldable news monitors are available, they still cost megabucks and they’re no good for lining the budgie’s cage. But new hard copy mags, using acres of rain forest and mostly dealing with the doings of celebs – you know, those utterly banal people who get well known by other banal people for not actually doing much – are there by the truckload. What’s not there is a new humour mag. Until now. This Special Edition Foghorn, by professional UK cartoonists, for profes-
sional UK cartoonists might not make the news stands just yet, but it will grace the desks of those who matter in the media, opening eyes dimmed by Photoshop and exercising uncool belly – laugh muscles. There’s a lot in it; from John Roberts reporting on somebody trying to flog stacks of cartoons without the artists’ permission, Clive Collins’ fear of plagiarism [he’s scared of French beaches] to Roger Penwill’s shock and awe on seeing how they do it Stateside. Nice cover, too. A bit Punch – ish ? Now there’s a thought. Bill Stott, Foghorn Co-Editor.
It fell off the back of a lorry, officer. It was CCGB member, Steve Willis, who brought our attention to it originally. Steve noticed there was to be an auction, by the auctioneers Lyon & Turnbull in Edinburgh, on the 5th September and a large number of cartoons had been included in various lots. Steve immediately made an entry on the CCGB forum to notify the cartoon community and also to ask whether this sale had any copyright issues. The cartoons are the work of Roger Kettle (Beau Peep), Sax, Pete McNeilly, Mark Wood, Adey Bryant, Geoff Whitehead, Terry Fulham, Dave Parker and Bill Ritchie. They were originally published in the Daily Express and Daily Star during the early 1990’s. The PCO committee became aware of
the situation and contacted two of its members, Dave Parker and Bill Ritchie, who confirmed that they were unaware of the sale and that they had not signed away their copyright. Andy Davey and I wrote and emailed the auction house and, after a distinct lack of response, it would seem that they had already contacted the private vendor for an explanation of our concerns. The items were immediately removed from the sale. The vendor whoever that may be, may attempt to sell these cartoons through another auction house (Ebay?) and so Andy wrote to Express Newspapers to ask if they could shed any light as to the identity of the vendor. We await a response…… John Roberts, PCO Secretary.
“Due to technical difficulties, lots 254 to 318 have been produced with invisible ink.” WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
BLOGHORN
So sue me!
Noel Ford puts his legal trousers on. I’ve just had an interesting and, for me, unique experience, complete with ironic twist, that should be of interest to any cartoonists with a grievance concerning the unauthorised use of their cartoons. Earlier this year, a client informed me that three of the cartoon illustrations which I had produced for him, had been spotted in a business magazine, decorating a feature. Consequently, I wrote to the editor of this magazine, informing her that she had published the cartoons without obtaining permission from either my client or myself. I was quite polite, and said that, in this case, the matter could be resolved by her paying me for repro rights, for which I enclosed an invoice. I received no reply. I phoned, explained the situation, and was told the editor would call me. She didn’t. I phoned again, and spoke to the magazine’s business manager, who promised everything would be sorted. It wasn’t - and he didn’t call back.
I phoned again. Neither the editor or the business manager was available, so I asked for a call back, adding that I would not call again and that should they not contact me, I would commence legal proceedings. They didn’t call back. I wrote a final formal letter, informing them they were in breach of my copyright, and confirmed that unless I heard from them forthwith, I would take the matter to the courts. They didn’t reply. So, having made the threat, I was obliged to follow through, and I went to the website of Her Majesty’s Courts Service. (www.moneyclaim.gov.uk) Submitting my claim, on line, was both easy and quick. I had to pay £30, which would be added to my claim. The court served my claim on the 8th of August. Whether the editor was happy to concede my claim or she just didn’t fancy the trip from SE England
to Aberystwyth to defend her magazine, I don’t know, but I received a cheque from them this morning for the full amount of my invoice, plus my court costs. So, the moral is, don’t stand by and do nothing but moan if your work is used without consent. The law is there, and HMCS and the Internet make it easy to claim. And the ironic twist? The magazine had used my cartoons to illustrate a feature on how to avoid being sued.
Pete Dredge sold his first cartoon to Punch in 1976 and has been going strong ever since. He has been a regular contributor of gag cartoons and cartoon strips to Private Eye for many years - as well as working for many other publications and businesses. In between all the work, Pete also managed to set up and run the highly successful ‘Big Grin’ cartoon festival in his hometown of Nottingham. Sadly, this eventually became a victim of its own success and got too big for Pete and his volunteer team to maintain without the help a funded, full or part-time, organiser. At this point, the Arts Council failed its audition for the role of hero. Talking to Radio Nottingham, Pete listed his proudest moments in cartooning “First Punch cartoon sold, first Punch cover commission, being involved with Private Eye for 20 odd years, writing for Not The Nine O’clock News in the 80’s and, of course, helping get the Big Grin off the ground ” Matt Buck, Bloghorn Editor
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The Life of Brian.
Bill Stott makes the case for cartoons as art. Brian Sewell, the really quite grown up enfant terrible of the whacky, zany world of art criticism, when asked if cartooning was an art, replied “Oh no. It’s a facility.“ A polysyllabic reply, if nothing else. But more than that, he and others in his profession or trade or art or facility are regularly put on the spot by a label-hungry media and public, and asked to bestow names; to make things tidy. Therefore we get; that’s art, that’s not, that’s Jack Vettriano. (I suspect Mr Sewell wouldn’t be so kind). I also suspect that he doesn’t know much about cartooning. He’s not alone in that. Has he really looked at Mike Williams, Ray Lowry, Martin Honeysett, Heath Robinson, Ralph Steadman... (that’s enough - Ed) because good cartooning is so obviously an art. It shoots itself in the foot because it is also funny. Mr Sewell and his friends say that real art is, and must be, serious. We are not all in the class of the cartoonists mentioned above, I’ll bet that whilst Peter Paul Rubens was whacking out paintings of his big ladies being harassed by variously-hued male abusers, down the street and around the corner, were many other lesser
lights striving towards the exactly the same end. And yet, when one “In the School of Titian” turns up at Sotheby’s, it is still “art”.
“Wonderful handling, sublime skill, consummate vision, but not a lot else, I’m afraid...”
Are you trying to be funny?
Andy Davey agrees with Bill. That just gave away the ending, sorry. Ah, yes...defining art. This is a treacherous hole down which many a smart commentator has fallen. Any definition is fairly redundant under scrutiny but, personally, I’m with the very wonderful Scott McCloud who has written extensively on the “theory” of cartoon art (although he describes them as, “comics”). McCloud defines pure art as “any human activity which doesn’t grow out of either of our species’ two basic instincts; survival and reproduction”. The muse is not important – high art has been hijacked variously to depict both the sacred and the profane. The compulsion to make stuff for its own sake and the joy of it is the defining criterion. This allows you to walk rather smugly around the hole, although the hole is a pretty huge, all-encompassing one. It then simply reduces to a quantitative difference rather than a qualitative one; i.e. how much “art” does this work or activity or performance contain? Of course, we cartoonists – like all “artists” - fail, by varying degrees, to meet the demanding criterion mentioned above, but it doesn’t mean that the whole genre should be filed under “not art”. Elements of the cartoonist’s art exist to varying levels across the spectrum of drawing and painting, from “Sun Fun” through Gerald Scarfe and probably even to Picasso or Magritte’s work. There are as many vacuous paintings as there are meaning-laden, thought-provoking cartoons. 4 THE FOGHORN
Unfortunately, the real world is a bit different. Art is what the art establishment – people like Brian Sewell – says it is. As McCloud argues, the “comics” format (and by extension, cartoons) would be seen as art if you made it so...by physical form (put it in a gilt frame), context (put it in a gallery in a glass case) or authorship (anything by Warhol or Hirst is art...isn’t it?). But the critical view is that it isn’t art. And that’s that. I guess, as Bill says above, we shoot ourselves in the foot because we try to be funny. It’s probably a bit wider than that; not all cartoons are funny – some make painfully serious points with the point of a stiletto. The foot-shooting is as old as the format itself due to occasional association with non-serious content and sensationalism (saucy postcards, horror-comics and childrens’comic books). Cartoon art is the mongrel born of a bit of guilt-laden inter-species rumpy-pumpy between pictures and words. Rejected by both parents, it’s had to make its own way in the treacherous worlds of art and commerce. With such a poor upbringing, it’s no surprise it lacks self-confidence. Poor genes, no schooling... there was no other logical outcome. It is compelled to start shouting and making a nuisance of itself down at Job Centre Plus. So, I agree with you, Bill. Mr Sewell is wrong to dismiss a whole art form. His only legitimate function is to tell us what he likes and what he doesn’t. WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
FEATURE ROGER PENWILL
Roger and US Rabbits
It’s when you’re standing on the sill of the rear passenger door of a Jeep Cherokee in a foreign land, leaning out, being propped up by your host’s wife to stop you falling into the poison ivy, grasping the wobbly metal post of a street sign, whilst stretching to your limit trying to hook a bunny-themed piece of bunting over the sign, keeping half an eye out for inquisitive cops and wondering if your trousers are going to fall down, that you think to yourself what an interesting life it is being a cartoonist.
I was in Lloyd Neck, an area by the southern end of Long Island Sound, at the invitation of the local branch of the National Cartoonists Society. Every year
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Bunny Hoest, the writer of a long-running and widely syndicated strip called The Lockhorns, has an outdoor party at her shore-side property for the local branch and those members of the New York NCS who fancy a trip out from the city. The invite came thanks to Adrian Sinnott who has attended the last couple of Shrewsbury Festivals. Adrian and his wife Pat were our real hosts for the visit, although Hazel and I were staying at Bunny’s. The bunny bunting was one of several visual aids to assist those driving to the bash, who might be confused by the labyrinth of similar narrow leafy roads threading between impressive colonial style mansions set in equally impressive grounds. That the bunting succeeded in obscuring the road names didn’t seem to matter, as most people expected actually
arrived. Bunny’s home was built by her late husband Bill Hoest twenty-six years ago. The grand baronial style suggests it is much older. Some of the materials certainly are - the stones for the external walls came to New York as ship’s ballast and were then used for the city roads. They were later dug up to be replaced by new roads. Cleaned of asphalt, Bill used them for his house. After Bill’s death, Bunny remarried and lives nearby, using the Hoest house as family and guest accommodation as and when needed. Bill’s successor at drawing the strip, John Reiner, inhabits the studio at night, leaving around five in the morning. The turreted studio has a splendid view of the Sound but, only being there in the dark, he never sees it. He does
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FEATURE ROGER PENWILL look rather pale. It’s a sad thought that if Bunny sold the place, the new owners would most likely flatten it to build something grander. The historic well-travelled stones might have a final resting place in some overpaid celeb’s foundations. The afternoon bash itself was pretty much what you would imagine a party of 60 or so US cartoonists would be like. Graced by such luminaries as Mort Drucker, the company was lively and very entertaining. I was pitching to encourage them to put together an exhibition for Shrewsbury and to persuade some to attend next year. Adrian introduced me to the reporter from the local TV who was dapperly dressed like he’d just compered a 1940’s Big Band gig in Chicago. Adrian explained why I had come over especially, from England. The guy’s eyes glazed over. “From England?” he repeated with feined interest and a distinctly vague expression. Realising it probably wasn’t anywhere local, he continued interviewing the other guests.
“Marquee? That’s the guesthouse” Only having a couple of days available after the Bunny Bash, we were selective in our sampling of the city. Actually driving and walking around Park Avenue, Fifth Avenue, Madison and Lexington, those names from the movies, does give you a certain frisson of excitement. Bronx Zoo, MoMA , Central Park, under the elevated highway in Queens where the car chase in The French Connection was filmed ... we even drove over the underground steam pipe near Grand Central that exploded so spectacularly a short while after we got home. Had it gone up three weeks earlier
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it would have given our visit frisson overload. My first impression of New York was bricks. It was my first visit and I was totally surprised by this. The Americans clad many of their towers with brick, something that architects avoid doing in the UK. The problem is that bricks and steel frames expand and contract very differently and if you don’t cater properly for this differential movement the bricks drop off, which can be inconvenient, especially from great heights. The result of all this brickwork is to give the city a friendly human scale, particularly at street level, which is quite devoid of falling bricks. Freed of the threat of descending masonry, the odd nacent entrepreneur was able to stand boldly at the kerb waving his cardboard “Buy my iPhone” sign at passing motorists, cashing in on the demand for the thing he’d bought at the Apple Store launch thirty minutes earlier after queing for a day and a half. I didn’t think I would like New York, but I loved it. It was far less intimidating to walk around than London is these days. Perhaps it’s the bricks. Adrian and family treated us to a lunch at the Society of Illustrators, where a new exhibition of mem-
bers’ work was stunning in its quality. The restaurant opened onto a roof top terrace where a barbecue was served. It was difficult to believe we were in the heart of Manhattan. On display was an original Norman Rockwell, which was rumoured to be worth more than the building. I’m a fan of Rockwell and its so difficult to understand why he is still pooh-poohed by the art establishment. “It’s illustration, not art, dearie”. What planet are they on? The permanent exhibits at the Society included a pair of Norman’s trainers, somewhat worse for plenty of wear. A few years back you could not only see the great man’s original work but smell his original feet as well. The last day we spent on the deserted private beach at Bunny’s, the only company being the scarey Prehistoric-looking shells of deceased horseshoe crabs. Being Sunday there were many boats and yachts on the Sound, some parked near the shore for fishing. We were on an empty beach looking out at a crowded sea. Surreal and with sunshine, too. A memorable visit, one which we hope to repeat. Maybe other PCO members also will be able to make the trip to Bunny’s in the future. Roger Penwill
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FEATURE IAN BAKER
Smoke
&
Mirrors
Cartoonist and amateur magician Ian Baker reveals a few trade secrets to Bill Stott. Wands at the ready... How has the electronic age affected “doing magic”? Technology has always been an important part of magic. Like in the cartoon business, there is a temptation by some to use technology as a way of getting past lack of actual skill. I see this in cartooning, graphic design, and certainly magic. Recent advancement of technology in magic has been extraordinary, and in the right hands, miracles can happen. A skilled magician will always combine technology with skilful sleight of hand, and present it with great personality and narrative. ‘Magic’ is what the spectators see – ‘tricks’ are what we do to make it happen You practice and practice until its perfect. How do you feel about going public? [I’m talking about magic here] I don’t perform publicly for money. For me, it has to be in intimate settings, close up, for friends. I do take magic very seriously as an art, and I study as much as possible, for my own personal goals. I love possessing the knowledge I have learned – As magicians we feel we are all part of a club and we know secrets that no-one else does. It’s wonderful to have magic as an important part of my life without the pressure of having to make a living from it. My living is as a cartoonist/illustrator and writer, which I enjoy immensely. I’ve been offered work as a professional magician but I want to keep it as a fun pursuit. Maybe one day I’ll start performing professionally…..we’ll see. I don’t like “teach yourself cartooning books” How do you feel about similar magic books and why? Cartooning is something you can do naturally or you can’t. You need a natural ability to draw, observe, and certainly a healthy sense of humour. If you aren’t 100% dedicated, you’re not really a professional cartoonist. Magic is very different. There are magic books that anyone can buy in a book shop that will teach you very simple effects with cards, coins etc, - magic that is in the public domain. ‘Real’ magic books are only available through magic suppliers, tend to be expensive, and are full of secrets and teachings. All the best magicians have learned from the writings of past greats. Today DVDs WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
are also a good resource. I co-produce a quarterly magic DVD called, ‘Prestidigital’. It’s the world’s first magic DVD magazine, and we have interviewed many star magicians. Who is the worst magician you’ve ever seen? Why? No names needed obviously. It was a guy performing the famous ‘smash and stab’ effect on a lady from the audience. Three wooden discs are on the table, one of them has a massive metal spike on it and they are all covered with plastic cups. The magician then, in turn, slams the lady’s hand down on the cups until the final cup is left – The one with the spike. This magician wasn’t paying enough attention to his technique and smashed the woman’s hand down onto the spike and impaled her. No standing ovation, just stunned silence and the poor woman whisked off to hospital.
Are people easier to fool if they’re pissed? No. In my experience people who are pissed tend to have no respect for the performance and may try to make the trick fail. Drunk people will question everything, rather than just enjoy the entertainment and they have trouble understanding what just occurred. Surprisingly, intelligent people are the best subjects to perform for. It’s easier to baffle an intelligent person than it is a stupid person, or a child. Children can be very difficult to fool THE FOGHORN
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FEATURE IAN BAKER
Random acts of humour
because they look for the obvious. Clever people look for explanations that just aren’t there. I love intelligent spectators! What do you think about the fairly gory acts doing the rounds? I like them. There is a huge audience for people who want to be shocked or even scared by magic, which is healthy. We all know the blood isn’t real on stage, but we get that thrill and shiver down the spine anyway. I have personally perfomed close up effects that involve blood and knives, spiders and electric shocks and I always get strong reactions. It’s a different kind of reaction than a gambling routine with cards. Shocks and gore are always going to be a universal thrill and will always have a part to play in magic.
“I don’t know much about art, but I know what I pretend to like. ”
What are the three commonest questions you’re asked about magic? “How did you do that?!?”….. “Where do you learn to do that?!?”…… “How the HELL did you do that?!?!?”
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FEATURE CLIVE COLLINS
Clive Collins
What’s that prick? Ah, a conscience!
I’m too old to be worrying like this, tossing and turning at night, tearing up roughs, and generally becoming more and more morose, but I have to pull myself up to my full height and gingerly ask: does anyone else out there suffer shafts of agony over whether or not they’ve unconsciously plagiarised someone else’s work? I’m talking here, at the moment, about contest work specifically. I used to submit work for a multitude of festivals abroad (and a few in the UK) and the flow only really became a trickle when bread and butter work increased and time just wasn’t available any more. Well I’m still busy, but I thought I might dive once more into those bottomless depths from whence work is rarely returned, and little is ever heard of again, and after some one-man brainstorming sessions, I came up with (what I thought were) little gems. That was the trouble. The ideas I came up with seemed to me to be (and there is no conceit involved in this) so perfect for the subject of the contest that somewhere within me I felt it must already have been done. I’d never seen them before – and as I’m typing this, I’m resting on a stack of bibles – but it worried me for quite some time while the ideas were in the sketch stage. Sleepless nights, would you believe? But in the end I figured that I was going to drive myself stark staring learning difficulties if I didn’t just sit down and draw the bloody things up as finishes, scan ‘em in, colour ‘em, mail them and quit panicking. As it happens they weren’t quite as brilliant as I’d led myself to believe because I came nowhere in the two contests that I had entered. Then I got paranoid. Maybe the reason I didn’t win anything was because the committee of judges recognised WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
them, and in their disgust decided to ignore the entry altogether. I’d seen this happen to a cartoonist’s work in Knokke-Heist one year when I was judging so it does happen. I spent a miserable few months, and then reasoned, since no-one had written to me quietly from the judging panel telling me never to darken their doormat again, that I was in the process of converting a small molehill into a Carpathian mountain range. Am I alone in this paranoia? I didn’t used to be, until there was a great hoo-hah in FECOnews, naming the guilty cartoonists who had - sometimes inadvertently - strayed across that line where ‘original’ becomes ‘barefaced copy’. It actually happened to me once in my day-today job when I was sending a batch of roughs to a client, and over a generous drink at the drawing board, an idea had come to me, so breathtaking in its scope, so sharp and dry in its wording, so…so…large cheque-worthy that I felt it couldn’t have come from my own brain. Whilst I freely admit to having come up with some sharp ideas in my time, brilliance was never linked with my name. The only person who might have drawn it, I reckoned, was Mike Williams. It had his mark all over it, yet I knew that I’d never seen it actually drawn by him. So I decided to not only bite the bullet, but grind it up small in the corner of my mouth and attempt to swallow it. I rang Mike. I described the idea and asked him point-blank if it was one of his. He said it wasn’t, and gave me his blessing to go ahead and draw it. Which I did, and it’s still sitting in my Unsold pile. I think I may offer it to Mike anyway and let him draw it. At least that way one of us would benefit.
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PCO ABROAD
PCO Abroad
Roger Penwill, the PCO’s International Liasion Officer, reports on our members latest cartoon activities around the world
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Earlier this year, Ross Thomson attended the opening of Rudy Gheysens’ European Cartoon Centre in Kruishoutem, Belgium. A new book, Le Rugby et sa Musique, featuring cartoons by Clive Collins and two French cartoonists, was published in September. Clive attended the opening in Paris which coincided with the start of the Rugby World Cup. The accompanying exhibition was subsequently shown in a hotel in Limoges under the auspices
of the St.Just-Le-Martel Cartoon Salon. (Clive’s full report of this event will feature in the next Foghorn) Talking of St.Just, the Brits are represented there this year in person by Alex Noel Watson and Ross Thomson. Alex, PCO Vice Chairman, was also in Pisek in the Czech Republic in September for the bi-annual cartoon event held there. Cartoons by PCO members will be part of exhibitions held this autumn in Montreal (organised by Canadian cartoonist Andre Pijet) and Long Island (organised by US/Irish cartoonist Adrian Sinnott). I was a member of the Greekartoon contest jury, held at the end of September in Athens.
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LETTERS
Letters to the Editor Snail Mail: The Editor, Foghorn Magazine, 7 Birch Grove, Lostock Green, Northwich. CW9 7SS E-mail: billstott@lineone.net
Please do air your views here. We absolutely guarantee to edit your letters to make us look good. Unlike the one below which sneaked through... Dear Sir, Whilst searching the Internet with a view to commissioning a humorous drawing to celebrate my village’s latest erection – a much needed outdoor shelter at the Itching Donkey Sanctuary – I happened across your PCO website, and was quite frankly, appalled. I noticed that in almost every so – called joke published thereon some individual was being made fun of. Do you not realise that this is a form of bullying – abuse, even? Many of the characters depicted had large noses and/or disproportionately big feet. This is callous in the extreme. My near neighbour, a retired gentleman of advanced years suffers from Proboscis Giganticus, commonly
known as Fenwick’s Hooter, a painful and very inconvenient condition which necessitates the use of a small trolley. Another dear friend, who has given generously of her time to Donkey Erections all over the county battles daily with congenitally huge feet, a distressing and financially draining condition involving as it does the services of a local boatbuilder in the construction of her handmade footwear. I urge you, therefore to spare a thought for the feelings of those you mock and turn your talents to producing pictures which do not hurt others, and warm the heart, like for example, the outstanding “Love Is...” series. I am, Yours sincerely Rev. Jolyon Scrote–Grabber [retd] 27, The Hassock, Marlebury Lane, Itching, Herts.
“Can’t stop, I’ve got Doris on the paraglider. ”
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The Gallery
Martin Honeysett was Bloghorn’s first PCO Artist of the Month in August. Martin’s work has appeared in many magazines and newspapers, including Punch, Private Eye, The Spectator, Readers Digest, The Sunday Telegraph, and The Observer. He has written and illustrated books for both children and adults and illustrated books by various authors such as Sue Townsend, Dick King Smith and Ivor Cutler. He has exhibited and won awards at several international competitions. The Cartoon Art Trust nominated him as Gag Cartoonist Of The Year in 2004. He has also been a visiting professor at Kyoto Seika University in Japan 2005-07. Check out Martin’s cartoons and illustrations at www.procartoonists.org Matt Buck, Bloghorn Editor
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CURMUDGEON
Follow that Lorry
So much to moan about, so little time………….. Like you, I am a very good driver, capable not only of wonderful anticipation, based on the assumption that 90% of all other drivers are complete twerps, but possessed also of the ability to control a high powered car in all conditions. Except for the time I accelerated into the back of my partner’s horsebox, this embarrassing and expensive incident being the fault of others. Naturally. I like driving, and because I’m so good at it, I get very brassed off with the ever tighter rules and regulations made by people who probably think a Smart car is “cute”. Like the people whose job it is to press a button in a “traffic control centre”, causing a 40mph sign to light up above the bit of the M6 I’ve been stationary on for an hour. I saw a documentary a while ago about some scientists in America who are developing a guidance system for cars, all based on
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wires buried in the road which communicate with an on- board computer. The wonder of such a system is that in years to come, we’ll simply sit in our motors, enter a destination, and the car will take us there. No overtaking, no steering, no speeding, no brain, but probably lots of nose picking – an activity which presently can only safely be enjoyed at traffic lights. Yes, yes, I know, Frank Hampson was drawing things like that in The EAGLE, 50 years ago – sans bogies, of course, and it all seemed safely impractical, a thing of the future, like a cure for baldness, or a diet that isn’t boring. However, as a motorway regular, I have to report that whilst the M6 doesn’t boast a sub – tarmac guidance system, it does sport lots of drivers who might as well be on one. HGVs, huge and slow, piloted by blokes [usually] whose eyesight doesn’t register anything under 10 feet by 30 quite often have a following car; a beige one [Desert Blush, actually], carrying beige people, with a beige driver whose windscreen is filled with “Bostock’s Logistics. Dunstable” all the way from Stafford to Carlisle. Lorry followers are like those little parasitic fish that look in sharks’ navels for aquatic fluff. I’ve never seen a Lorry Follower actually try to CLEAN the back of a truck, but with only a moderately long handled squeegee, the driver could do one half, and the passenger the other. Well, perhaps not the driver, as his hands have been glued on to the steering wheel, top dead centre, from the instant the motorway was joined. And you don’t need to steer in the inside lane anyway. You just follow the HGV grooves. My mother used to say much the same half a century ago, when my father – like me, a driver of outstanding ability [although I don’t recall him ever whacking a horsebox] – cursed the dawdling Morris 8 operator in front for being what was quaintly called in those days, a “Sunday Driver” WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
THE LAST WORD
We will fight them on the Piazza.
The PCO’s war correspondent Tim Harries reports from the frontline at last year’s ‘Battle of the Cartoonists’ and looks forward to this year’s event in Covent Garden. Chaaarge! Only an hour in and there were already casualties. The Guardian sustained heavy cadmium yellow losses attempting to paint the Sun to scale, Private Eye (who he? - Ed) were suffering extensive nib rot in the trenches, and The Independent spent most of the time searching out a ladder for their shorter recruits. Yes, the 2006 ‘Battle of the Cartoonists’ was in full swing and they had the scars to prove it. Having gained access to the frontline by pushing aside some old women and a small child, I found myself in the danger zone and feeling nervous. All around me, civilians were equally jittery - there were reports that a live caricature had gone off earlier in the day. I barely had time to move before a loaded sable brush streaked past. I instinctively ducked. Luckily I landed on some old women and a small child. Despite these distractions the valiant cartoonists battled on, occasionally agreeing with each other about what they were drawing. As impartial onlookers we were eventually asked to
WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
judge the winning banner, and by the fair and democratic process of who can shout the loudest, top honours went to The Guardian (though even they agreed The Independent was robbed) But what of this year’s ‘Battle of the Cartoonists’? Good question! It’s taking place at Covent Garden’s Big Draw event on the 13th and 14th of October, and you’ll be pleased to hear that the PCO’s team will be there; Alex Hughes, Neil Dishington and Roger Penwill - a crack squad organised and led by Field Marshall Bill “Tally-ho” Stott. (That’s enough military cliches - Ed) They shall take no prisoners, take no quarter, but shall probably take the bespoke
PCO T-shirts that are presently with the Organisation’s tailor. There’s no truth in the rumour that the event will subsequently be called the Battle of the Bulge. (Please note, dear reader, that Mr Neil “Snakehips” Dishington will be wearing special midriff padding for this event). The PCO is also pleased to announce the introduction of our double agents, Andy Davey and Matt Buck. Having infiltrated the opposing teams, they’ve heroically agreed to white-out their team-mates artwork upon hearing the code word “Operation Tippex”. Well done lads - you’ll be remembered in dispatches.
The Guardian’s winning banner. Never mind the quality, feel the width.
THE FOGHORN 13